Star Bright, Star Light - Part 1

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Synopsis:

"This is fan fiction for the Whateley Academy series. It may or may not match the timeline, characters, and continuity, but since it's fan fiction, who cares? To see the canon Whateley Stories, check out either Sapphire's Place (http://www.sapphireplace.com/stories/whateley.html) or the Big Closet (http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/taxonomy/term/117)."

Plus this is still a work in progress, I have tried to get the spelling and grammar correct, or as correct as MS Word thinks ;) However if you spot a glaring error please shout out.

Story:

Part 1

I could see it on the faces of my parents and older brothers as they left the meeting place, we were going to run. The Eaters that had been the topic of conversation for the last several tendays were less than a revolution away and coming closer.

“Spark can you find your siblings we need to talk?”

“Yes Alpha, in here or in the well?”

“Bring them to the well, we’ll talk there.”

“Children as you know we have just come from the meeting hall, the decision was to flee!” I could see from their faces that all but the youngest understood our million year old civilization was to come to an end here with no-where else to flee. My parents had decided to take the ultimate step and flee through reality in the hope that they could find a safer ‘now’, I quite looked forward to it. Alpha’s next words took me by surprise however. “The elders, the primes, and the offspring younger than 5 will be going through the portal in about a tenday. The rest we are going to hide in this place and they can follow us when they are ready or remain until the Eaters have gone.

“Now will those of you who are not yet adult wait with Spark I will come and explain in a moment.”

~@~

I sat in my own space thinking about what my parent had said, myself and two alfemale siblings were to be hidden in host bodies that we would wear as a complicated disguise until we came of age, then we could either follow our parents or start anew. Our hosts would hide our energy signatures from the Eaters. My parent had said that none of the adults were sure that the portal would be safe and would prefer that someone was left to tell our story should it be truly unsafe.

The next tendays were fraught, saying farewell to my parents and elder siblings, saying good bye to the babies. Talking to my friends, we had been told that we would be spread as far apart as possible to keep us safer but that also meant that I was unlikely to see either of my alfemale siblings until I reached adult hood. Luckily I knew that once out of our hosts I would be able to find them.

Finally the day arrived I approached the chamber where I would soon start my journey my almale parent was waiting by the door, “Spark I want you to be good while your gone, no silly tricks.” He smiled at me in gentle reproof for all the silly things I had done over the years. “Now my own sibling is remaining and he will be near enough to keep an eye on you, and some of the others plus there is a local entity who will also keep an eye on you.”

“Where is this place I’m going father?”

“It’s a physical world, the locals call it Earth.”

“Physical? You mean matter?”

“Yep, and yes you have to.” He smiled again, I hoped it wouldn’t be too long before our family was reunited. “Don’t worry Spark it won’t be long, and hey we’ve got you a superb host, dominant species dominant gender just like you asked for.” I looked into the chamber marveling at the slender body that soon would be me.

“How many genders do they have?”

“Just two. Now are you ready?”

“I suppose.”

“Well you know what to do, good bye and good luck son.” He gave me one final hug and a kiss on the forehead before turning and leaving the antechamber.

I took another long look at the faintly transparent body, knowing that the transparent part was somewhere at my destination and that as soon as I had merged I would be there too. Dominant gender, well it could be fun, though how they manage with only two? The merging was quick and painless, it wasn’t like I hadn’t done it before, I had done it only a tenday or so ago with school.

The body was fairly soft the skin covered in a fine down, no visible sexual organs, something I for one was glad about, unless these two lumps here are sexual. The host was a biped and two limbs were without doubt for locomotion. The other two were manipulators tactile and quite pleasant, not as good as my own fields of course. After some moments of becoming used to the various parts I became aware again of my surroundings, the spherical chamber now hid the outer void a space inimical to my new host, however I was comfortable within the sphere.

I must have slept, hosts always need a period of adjustment, I hoped that the stored memories that I had requested be placed in the host would soon be accessible but I knew that it wasn’t a precise art and maybe would never have access to them.

~@~

“I just found her officer, she was just lying there in my back yard, naked, at first I thought she was a druggie, but she’s so pretty and naked. I couldn’t wake her, so I got Hank to carry her in here.”

“Its okay ma’am I’m sure she’ll be okay, I called an ambulance, they’ll take her into Jonesboro Medical Center.”

“Thank you officer.”

~@~

“Female juvenile, found naked in the back yard of a farm out on I302.”

“Taking her to the medical center now sir.”

“Okay see you in a few, out.”

~@~

“So what do we have here doctor?”

“Hm the girl, well she’s not human, nor alien, nor really there.”

“I take it you can clarify that statement?”

“Well she is too perfect to be human, she could be an anatomical model, every part of her is perfect, and there’s no wear, a girl of that age would have some form of scarring somewhere even if its were she fell out of a tree when she was a kid.

“She’s not an alien, at least as far as we can make out, we used various techniques to check her chemical and isotope origin. And further she didn’t grow to that age you can follow the various changes in a normal human each stage of development leaves signs.”

“And you say she’s not really there?”

“Bright visible light passes straight through her though non light sources like x-rays effect her as you would expect.”

“So what is she?”

“Unconscious 13-14 year old female. Or off the record the staff here call her an Angel”

“Angel?”

“She glows with a bright pure light, not all the time though but sometimes she looks like an angel in some of those paintings.”

“So why is she asleep?”

“No brain activity, if you looked just at the scans she shouldn’t be even alive, her body seems to be functioning perfectly with no input from the brain.”
”Well I will pass this on to relevant authorities, thank you for your time Doctor.”

~@~

“…and I say repent, for we have an angel in our midst sent by the almighty Lord to make us repent!” The beautiful teenager lay sleeping on a low couch in front of the altar her white robes luminescent from hidden spotlights. The rapt congregation stealing looks of awe at the much publicized teen, there attention riveted to the minister as he harangued them once again on the mutant problem.

“A good service Reverend Englund, what of the girl?”

“She is useful, a tool but no more than that, if we could get her to wake maybe then we could use her for better ends as for now leave her there she’ll come to no harm.”

“Very good reverend if you’ll follow me my wife has prepared a meal and a room for you.”

~@~

When I awoke I decided that I had better press the button, and get this over with. I moved one of the manipulation appendages out in front of me and with surprising precision pressed the blue button. Moments later the button and the sphere around it had vanished, I was now lying in a new well and not a big one, my body was now covered in a strange slightly coarse material. One side of my host was gaining low amplitude energy from somewhere the rest was losing the same type of energy, the exchange not quite balanced leading to a net loss.

I moved the upper part of the host so I could see around better, only being able to see from the sense organs could become annoying I realized, I quickly let my essence settle back into the host and begin work changing it so I could see from where I wanted. My father had made it clear that I shouldn’t make any gross changes to my host until I knew I was safe, something that my last field trip had really made clear to me. The organs to detect light where poor and the organs for sound and touch were not much better, I improved them as much as I could without making external changes.

The host soon complained that more energy or matter were needed so I added that to the list of tasks. The space I was sitting in was large and dimly lit, rows of metallic objects covered the main area, then there was a small area where I was sitting then on a raised area I could see a large solid and several more of the metallic objects. In amongst all this there were more sources of energy some very basic and others more advanced.

I swung my legs off the surface I was sitting on and placed them on the floor, hardening the soles quickly to prevent more energy loss, at this point I realized that some of my implanted memories were beginning to work. I stood with a wobble, I had of course been into various wells in my life though this was gentle it felt right for the host. I made my way to a large solid set off to one side, I could sense that it was a source of matter and energy.

The various substances in the solid hit the spot and stilled the protestations from the host, I quickly made more changes to the body still keeping away from the radical changes my father had warned me about. I wandered around the room looking at the various solids, some were pleasing to the eye others to the touch or hearing. I could sense more life forms outside of this room both by their life force and by sounds made by them. Eventually feeling tired once again I returned to the surface I had woken up on and drifted back into sleep.

I was woken ten or more time periods later by noises, they were deep and rumbling and when I opened my eyes coming from two agitated humans like my self only larger and less well made. Like me there were clothed in woven fabric though theirs looked even less comfortable than mine they were making angry sounding noises standing by the low metal contraption that held my previous meal. I couldn’t really understand what they said though I could make out individual words. After a moment the larger of the two said something about an angel and turned to look directly at me. After a brief moment of surprise he grabbed the arm of the other human and turned him to face me too.

“Charlie, she’s awake get the reverend quick.”

“Wha… Shit so she is, don’t do anything I’ll run and get him.”

One of the humans ran from the room through a aperture to one side, the other stayed where it stood and stared at me, my host felt like it was on fire and the skin became reddened. However before I could worry at the reaction it faded, the human continued to stare so I stared right back. After a small time period the organic surface that blocked the opening through which the smaller human had left swung open again, this time the human was followed by a third person, I could feel its energies from where I was, they were tangled but very bright, it moved rapidly toward me before collapsing before me on the floor at my feet. It spoke its voice was more pleasant than either of the other two, again I couldn’t understand the sentence though this time I could pick out words, one was repeated several times, ‘Angel’ “Angel a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Zoroastrianism.” He looked at me his eyes at first widening then narrowing I wondered where heaven was I was I understood on earth. The human in front of me after a long silence turned to the humans behind him.

“After all this time she’s an idiot, couldn’t be better,” then looking up he spoke again. “thank you lord for sending this simpleton for me to use, I will use her well.”

“Simpleton a person who is felt to be deficient in judgment, good sense, or intelligence or a fool.” Its eyes widened again and it looked sharply at me.

“Well Angel I guess you’re not a fool, but don’t worry I’ll look after you, is that okay?”

“Okay, Approval or agreement.” It stood and after holding an arm out appeared to be waiting for something. I racked my mind and the hosts brain for information, ah a dismissal. “You may go.”

“I know that you would be more comfortable in the house of your father but the choral society is due to meet in here shortly, I’m sure you would be more comfortable in the manse.” I was I realized beginning to understand sentences, a choir was going to come in here and this human thought I would be better off elsewhere, I did wonder why he thought this was my father’s house.

Eventually it managed to lead me into a corridor and then a smaller room, the room had several other humans two were like me though smaller and one was like me but bigger and there was another of the blocky ones. The two who had first found me carried on walking but I was shown to a organic structure similar to the metal objects in the other room, I sat on the chair. Wow these implanted memories were really starting to work.

The human who called me angel bossed the others like me round and soon there was a ceramic disc in front of me containing various organic substances, soon the humans around me all had similar substances on discs too. One of the blocky ones said a few words about being thankful to its father for the food. And proceeded to consume the ‘food’ by putting it in its vocal organ I watched carefully I assumed it was a joke but as all the others proceeded to do the same. Metal implements were used to pick up the hot ‘food’. I cautiously picked up an implement with many spikes and used it to push a section of pinky grey rod into my vocal apparatus. Luckily it seemed the host knew what to do then as I had no idea.

The meal lasted for several small time periods the two smaller versions of myself spent a lot of time looking at me even with several outbursts from both the older one and the blocky one whose father had provided the food. It suddenly occurred to me the blocky ones were males and the better made ones, the dominant gender like myself were female. I must have smiled then because once again the surface capillaries of my host became flooded with blood when I realized they were all staring at me. As the plates were cleared away the male who I was beginning to think of as the father of the group told the two small females to play in their room quietly, he then turned to the man who called me angel. “Now she is awake reverend some more dignified clothing would be sensible don’t you think?”

“Donald of course what would you suggest?”

“Well Marjorie could lend her some I suppose but I’m sure she would be more comfortable in something of Jenna’s.”

“Yes Donald I’m sure there is something suitable in Jenna’s closets, if you’ll excuse me Reverend I’ll go look.”

“Thank you Marjorie,” then turning back to the man called Donald, “so what do you suppose happened to that TV?”

Marjorie led me out of the room and up some stairs before halting in front of another organic wall. Taking a metal implement she pushed it into a hole and the door swung open. “This was my daughter Jenna’s room till she left, silly girl. Her clothes are in that closet, if you need any help give me a shout.” She turned and quickly left. The room was fairly small with a light source at one side and several surfaces some looked and felt softer than others. I made my way to the light source and peered at it. A layer of weird liquid silica let light from an outside in, and through it I could see several interesting organic structure, some of which I could see the blaze of life in.

I heard the door open behind me so turned to see what had caused it, the two smaller females were peering round the door they giggled when they realized that I was looking at them, then one after the other they tumbled into the room. “Are you really an Angel?” I suddenly understood these people thought I was an angel a mythical messenger to their god, this place was a temple. I wondered if the children for such I assumed they were, were hand maidens.

“My name is Starspark, but you may call me Spark. Are you hand maidens?”

“But are you an angel? Mom says you must be but daddy doesn’t think you are. I’m Helen, this is Amy. Are you going to put some proper clothes on.” I stared at the girl curiously I knew from talking that it took air, this girl didn’t seem to need any.

“I don’t think I’m an angel, why do they think I am?”

“’Cos you were found in a field out east and you’re not really human, daddy says you’re too perfect, the reverend says you are an angel sent to teach us the error of our ways. Mom thinks so too, but daddy just says that if the lord had sent a messenger he would have sent an adult. How old are you? I’m 12 Amy’s six. We’re on vacation, do angels go on vacation?” This time I had watched closely but still couldn’t see how she was doing it, the smaller girl still hadn’t spoken and seemed to be sucking her thumb. Suddenly she reminded me of my sibling Pol she would in real terms be about the same age as this little girl. I realized I wouldn’t see her for a long time.

Suddenly I realized that my host was leaking a salty water based fluid from its eyes, and a lump was building in the throat area, I did an internal check but could find nothing wrong, as my senses looked out again I felt the older of the two girls put her arms round me. “Its okay Spark you don’t need to cry god will look after you even if you’re not an angel.”

“I… I just realized I’m not going to see my family for a long time, why are my eyes leaking I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry girls can cry, haven’t you cried before?”

“No, no never and this happens a lot?”

“Well only when you’re sad or sometimes when your really happy. Are you going to put some of Jenna’s clothes on, mom said we could help you pick something out.”

“Why do you wear clothes?”

“Well to keep warm silly, or because its rude not to. And they can make you look better, but you’re pretty.”

“So what should I put on?”

“Well you need to have a shower first, then mom said something simple.” She began to rummage in the closets pulling out various items, I of course just stood there not understanding. “Well come on then take that off you can’t wear it in the shower, mom said she’d wash them and then they’d be dry by the time you leave after lunch.”

“I don’t understand how do I take it off and what is shower?” She turned and looked at me, she bared her teeth in what I hoped was a friendly gesture, the noise she made was sort of from the chest but lighter.

“Have you never worn clothes before?”

“Um no.”

“Really? Where did you live? Did no-one wear clothes? Was it warm there?”

“Um yes, it was home no-one wore clothes we didn’t need any.”

“Are you an Alien?” She dropped her voice and asked this in a whisper.

“Yes, that’s it I’m an alien, A person from another and very different family, people or place!” She looked shocked then the smaller girl, Amy, said something to her in a quiet voice, damn hearing organs still weren’t up to scratch, both girls looked at me and then looking white Amy rushed from the room with the implicit instruction to get daddy.

After a few moments with Helen’s assistance I had removed the uncomfortable outer garments Helen folded them and placed them on a chair by the door, next she led me through another door that led into a small pink room, the walls and floors were covered in ceramic and it contained two pink things one that looked to be the right height to sit on the other facing it looked rather like an over sized plate similar to the ones the girls had been eating out of at the earlier meal. “Do you need to go?”

“Go?”

“You know the toilet?” I must have looked how I felt she pointed to the low seat like item, “you know have a wee or…” she stumbled to a halt her skin exhibiting all the signs I was becoming used to in mine… my hosts.

“Urinate, expel fluid?”

“Oh yeah that, do you?”

“No, I make efficient usage of consumed matter.”

“Oh, oh. Well if you do that’s the toilet. How do you like your water? In your shower I mean.”

“Water? I don’t understand.”
”Let me guess you’ve never had a shower before?”

“No.”

“Okay well climb in here,” she opened a door into a small room much like the place used to store clothes, I climbed in she reached past me and turned a knob. Suddenly mildly adulterated H20 began falling on my head from a silvery device that was suspended from an arm attached to the wall above me. I must have made a sound because Helen gave me a funny look. Next she passed me a pale bar of an organic substance. “Now use the soap in the water and rub it all over you, then rinse it off with water. Use the green bottle there on your hair, can you read?”

“I think so.” Another funny look.

“Well if you read the bottle it’ll tell you how to use the shampoo. The conditioner is in that bottle there.” She pointed at a pink bottle. Then turning rapidly at the sound of her father from the main room shut the door on me and left.

To say the shower was a novel experience was an understatement, living in water or even playing in it wasn’t I had of course done that whilst on field trips with school. But this washing was different, of course now I could see the advantages of it, my human host it seemed would shed dead skin cells, I wondered if it was possible to stop it, but I could barely understand the process yet I would have to wait until I understood the biology a little better. My host was finding the process of washing enjoyable, the soap tasted fairly nice and smelt better. The skin once rinsed was better feeling, my host felt better I mean.

I could read, though much of the text on the two bottles were meaningless to me, I used both the products as directed and I did find that my… I mean the hosts hair became a lot softer. I also found that the heat of the water helped my muscles relax and especially when applied to the bumps at the front felt good.

~@~

“Daddy Helen wants you.”

“Hush honey can’t you see daddy is busy now?”

“But daddy Helen says its important, please come.”

“No Amy, daddy is busy, can’t mommy help?”

“No Helen says she wants you!”

“Okay Donald, I think we can take a hint, I’m sure it’s a matter of life and death and I think we have covered about as much as we can here.”

“Well if you’re sure Reverend?”

“Sure, perhaps Amy will show me where her mommy is I want to thank her for making my stay here so pleasant.”

“Okay and thanks, Amy show the reverend Englund where mommy is. Is Helen in her room?”

“No daddy she’s with the angel getting her dressed.”

~@~

“Hello Marion.”

“Reverend you did startle me there, Amy run and play now.”

“Yes mommy.”

“So how is Donald holding up?”

“He isn’t to keen on some of the anti freak stuff, but I’m making sure he doesn’t waver.”

“Anything specific?”

“Well Jenna of course, he won’t let me clear her stuff out even though she won’t be coming back. I don’t think he’s to keen on you using that girl either.”

“What my Angel?”

“Yeah, well you know his feelings on that he said right from the start he would prefer to think she’s a mutant or alien than a messenger from God.”

“Yes, I do know how he feels I just wish he would be amenable to being moved to a better location. I have several more useful priests who could be of great use here.”

“I’ll try but he likes the area too much I think.”

“I’m glad I can count on you Marion, I’ve know Donald for a long time I just wish he could understand the danger those, those freaks put us in

~@~

“Helen are you, oh there you are, what’s so important Honey?”

“Daddy we were talking me and the Angel.”

“The Angel and I, go on.”

“She says shes from space, an alien, she’s never had a shower before and she talks real funny.”

“I see, tell you what get her dressed and bring her down to my study, I’ll see what I can do for her. And Helen you needn’t tell your mother about this.”

“Yes daddy.”

~@~

I had just finished absorbing the water, another re-remembered word, into my skin having noticed the convection cooling of my uh, the hosts skin. There was a knock on the door and Helen appeared through it. In her hands was a bundle of organic and inorganic substances that I was coming to recognize as clothing. “Spark I need you to put these on, I’ll show you how don’t worry.” I didn’t like to tell her I wasn’t worried, the shower had left me feeling relaxed.

The first item she handed me was an organic sheet in pale pink, I held it up trying to work out how it was worn. “That’s a towel Spark you use it to dry yourself,” she paused, “hey you’re dry already, how’d you do that?”

“I facilitated the absorption of excess water to reduce cooling.” She looked blank but shrugged it off, she took the towel back from me and put it on the counter by the sink.

“Okay I found these, mom must have bought them for Jenna before she left but she never wore them,” she handed me a small piece of white cloth mainly organic, it didn’t take me long to work out how to put them on, as the holes were obviously for my legs, I quickly stepped into them and pulled them up, weirdly felt much more comfortable one they were on. “Okay, I couldn’t find a proper bra for you Jenna was bigger than you, but I found this sports bra that should do.” This next item was a largely inorganic garment, again the item could only be worn one way. “Um other way round.” Or perhaps not, I quickly got it on, it rather mashed my sexual bumps together but again felt rather pleasant, certainly more secure.

“Okay these are jeans you wear them on your legs, like the panties, but over the top the closure goes at the front. And this is a t-shirt, see the little label here that goes at the back. Got that?” I nodded, this clothing thing was really easy if a little unnecessary the final item for the ensemble were two things called pairs of shoes, that I put on my feet.

~@~

“Daddy, we’re here.”

“Come in Honey. Ah you lookmore comfortable.” This addressed to me summed up how I was feeling. I did the toothy thing that was either a smile or a grimace but seemed to be what was called for. “Helen do you think you could run an errand for me?”

“Sure daddy.”

“I need you to take this to Mr. Phelps out on West Ride, he’ll have a reply for you, then come straight back, okay.”

“Yes daddy.” Her father handed her a creamy rectangle of mainly organics and she ran from the room, the male reached past me and shut the door. He turnedand sat down behind a organic table, on a chair. He rested his hands on the table in front of him.

“Please sit child,” I sat, “what should I call you?”

“My name is Sunspark but my family call me Spark.”

“You have family then?”

“Yes they have gone, well most of them, I was left with some others to carry on when we become adult.”

“You told Helen that you’re an alien.”

“Yes by your definition part of me is alien.”

“How much do you know of earth?”

“Here?” The man nodded. “My father told me a little, but we don’t normally notice wells, I’ve been to some with school.”

“Spark I need to tell you some things, if you don’t understand any of it you must ask me to clarify, this is important.

“The man I was with earlier is very important, he is called Reverend Englund, he believes that you are an angel and will use you to further his aims.”

“I am not an angel, I do not know heaven.”

“No, no I understand, the Reverend doesn’t like people who are different.”

“I am not different I am perfect, what is wrong with this body?”

“Oh dear, Spark the reverend knows you are perfect he wants to use you against those who are not quite human, other aliens and mutated humans.”

“And these others should be protected?”

“Yes of course, god loves all things, from the deadly scorpion to the largest whale. God cares not whether someone has different genes or an extra arm, why Jenna is…”

“Jenna whose clothes I wear, is one of these others?”

“Yes, Jenna is my eldest daughter, the reverend would have me denounce her. Jenna’s mother died when she was young, look you don’t need to know this, if I can help you go somewhere safe will you go?”

“I do not understand, why am I not safe here.”

“The reverend is crazy about this, I’ve known him for a long time, he will use you until he no longer needs you, if he is around you for long he will realize that you are also more than human, I dread to think what he would do to you then.”

“Where will I be safe?”

“I have friends, they helped get Jenna somewhere safe, I can send you to them and eventually to Jenna.”

~@~

I, my host that is jumped when a high pitched noise came from an arrangement of plastic solids and metals on the mans table, he picked up part of it pressing it to his face, more noise issued from it and he answered “John, Helen caught you, good, yes I have another passenger for you, but I need her gone right now. I’m going to send her with Helen as soon as she gets back. Look after her this one is special I think.” After a few more noises from the device, he reassembled it on his table and looked up at me. “Spark I wish we could talk for longer, but the reverend expects you to leave with him in a little under an hour, we need to get you to Mr. Phelps, quickly. I know its a lot to ask of you but please trust me, Helen will introduce you to Mr. Phelps who you can also trust. I hope that the next time I see you, you are with my daughter and safe.

He ushered me out of the room and along a passageway, as he opened the door at the end we met Helen who was aboard a metallic construction, “Helen take Spark to Mr. Phelps, use the lane, be quick then go to Stephanie’s house. Mrs. Peters will explain what is happening when you get there.” The man briefly put his arms round me, “good luck Spark, God bless.”

~@~

The journey to Mr. Phelps’ house was along a path covered in a mixture of hydrocarbons and calcium carbonate, both sides of the path were made of organic matter again bound together by a hydrocarbon based substance, there was no roof and periodically I saw living creatures fly past.

“The flying organisms up there what are they?” I asked.

“Those are birds, don’t they have birds where you come from?”

“Our race is more than a million years old, the well we came from had many life forms other than ourselves very few creatures have survived to this time, and none like those.”

“That’s a shame. Here we are, be careful when you go in Mr. Phelps is a bit ornery. When you see Jenna, tell her that me and Amy miss her lots and that we love her, bye Spark.” With that she climbed back aboard the bicycle and rode off along the path, only looking back once.

Notes:

Plus this is still a work in progress, I have tried to get the spelling and grammar correct, or as correct as MS Word thinks ;) However if you spot a glaring error please shout out.
That said it should be fine :D However as I'm british and am trying to write about or more correctly write off the US I may have made mistakes that way too.

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Comments

Very likable

I liked the name mix up, I mean to them wouldn't a star and a sun be the same thing? I liked the bit about the soap.

Bailey Summers

Constructive criticism

Well, since you asked... :D

Punctuation needs a lot of work. Here's a revision of your first section. The changes are mostly punctuation.

I could see it on the faces of my parents and older brothers as they left the meeting place. We were going to run. The Eaters that had been the topic of conversation for the last several tendays were less than a revolution away and coming closer.

“Spark, can you find your siblings? We need to talk.”

“Yes, Alpha. In here or in the well?”

“Bring them to the well. We’ll talk there.”

“Children, as you know we have just come from the meeting hall. The decision was to flee!” I could see from their faces that all but the youngest understood. Our million-year-old civilization was to come to an end here with nowhere else to flee. My parents had decided to take the ultimate step and flee through reality in the hope that they could find a safer ‘now’. I quite looked forward to it. Alpha’s next words took me by surprise, however. “The elders, the primes, and the offspring younger than 5 will be going through the portal in about a tenday. The rest we are going to hide in this place. They can follow us when they are ready or remain until the Eaters have gone."

“Now will those of you who are not yet adult wait with Spark? I will come and explain in a moment.”

Isn't that easier to read and understand?

there was a name change in yo

there was a name change in your story, first you introduced the main caractor as starspark the you changed it to sunspark.

re:“My name is Starspark, but you may call me Spark. Are you hand maidens?”

“My name is Sunspark but my family call me Spark.”

i hope this will help you look for other changes like this.

i like the story so far and do hope you continue

Andy R

Thanks

It is easier to read, its something I try and watch out for, sadly though I would like to copy your version across the first part is up for a rewrite as some of the structure is changing, so that specific story idea is coming out. Spark is a arrogant character, I haven't made this clear enough so I'm going to chnage the story so that aspect of his personality is clear.

The names yep noted!

JC

The Legendary Lost Ninja