If you have been following my blog for any length of time and got around all the episodes of drama, you would've seen that I had started gender counseling about 6 weeks ago. The reason for this was quite simple, I want to know if I am really Transgender, or if it was just some flight of fantasy that let me write some interesting story and gave me masturbatory fodder.
Though I have dressed on occasion, it really didn't answer my questions. Sometimes when I would dress I would get aroused, but that was rare and for the most part I was just comfortable. I certainly wasn't a knock out, but I think the weight has a lot to do with that. I do have a miniscule wardrobe for Katie, but certainly not enough to be full time. But I have spent more and more time looking at female clothing.
Lately I have been doing things to bring me closer to being fem. I have grown my hair longer (it's just past the neck line and I really want it over the shoulder). I got my ears pierced and though I just have the original pair of studs, I have looked at getting other earrings. Right now it is just cost prohibitive until the fraud claim goes through. I was looking at getting female shoes, but stores don't carry my size (I am 12 men and think it comes to 13.5 female when I measured.)
On with the point. Today at counseling I got the okay to set up an appointment with the doctor that does the HRT. I was told the waiting list can be as long as 2 months. Though the impulsive side told me to call right away, I wanted time to think a little more and give my mind time to catch up with my heart. This situation is exactly what I wanted though, a turning point. The ball is now in my court. If I want to be fem, I can start hormones and now is my time to decide "Do I really want to be a girl?" It's quite exciting actually. I harken it to a boy who played soldier all his life and winds up standing outside the Marine recruitment office. Playing is one thing, but when the bullets and lace are flying at you at breakneck speeds... that's when you learn about your dedication to things.
Comments
There are online shoe stores that cater to women
... with bigger feet.
You have about 6 months on HRT before one becomes infertile. Maybe a blocker that effectively blocks testosterone might be a good first step for you to see if your gender issues has a sexual component.
www.designershoes.com came up by a simple google of 'design shoes bigger feet.' There are other sites too. I know I hate to shop online for shoes and oversizes can be expensive and IIRC you are not swimming in money so I would suggest you just get the basic shoes you need.
Kim
Lol. I wonder if they do this on purpose.
I was in a similar position. I wanted a diagnosis. Me gender specialist therapist said I was transgendered but I wanted a second opinion so I asked for a referral to my city's gender clinic. I contacted them. Since here most costs are covered by the government what I got back was a set of forms, requests for photographs and written essays that was (or seemed to be) a way of creating a personalized step by step process and schedule for transition.
Cue Monty Python, "Run Away, Run Away...".
I guess they taught me how I really felt by saying "Just fill out the boxes and sign ma'am". Which is incidentally, that it is far, far too late for me and that I shall just have be satisfied with understanding *why* my life has been such a fuckup.
When dreams turn to reality they sometimes become nightmares. What a giggle.
I just wanted to point out...
I just wanted to point out - that SOME therapists/hormone docs have been known to use HRT as a "check" to make sure... Apparently some of those who "just aren't sure" are convinced when the libido disappears and the Willie no longer salutes... (And, yes, this can/does happen.) From what I understand, a month or two of HRT is totally reversible...
So, is jumping to HRT a point of no return? No. Nor is deciding against HRT an indicator that a person isn't TS.
That aside - there are more variations under the sun than M2F and F2M Trans-sexuality. I have a friend who considers herself polygender (Mostly female, sometimes male, occasionally neither), and that's just one example.
For the most part, it seems they've got a decent handle on what makes a person TS... and Cross Dressers seem to know who they are... But, as I said, there appears to be more varieties under the sun than that! And, to a large extent, you need to figure out who/what you are. A good therapist can help you. A not so good one (or one with an agenda)... Can drive you in a direction (perhaps without intention) that is not necessarily best for you.
Also keep in mind, even the best therapists can't read your mind (okay, maybe some can)... They are trying to help YOU (not anyone else)...
Good Luck. it IS a big decision - not one to be taken lightly. That your therapist is giving you the option for HRT after only six (6) sessions (I'm assuming you've had weekly sessions.) is aggressive by most I've talked with. My understanding was that twelve (12) was the more common point. (Don't ask me how many sessions it took for my therapist to believe that I was TS...)
Annette
The truth about gender counselors.
My conscious gender issues started around the late 80's or so. I'd been depressed and wound up in a group for sexual assault survivors. Before that, I did not know anything about GID or sexual assault. Then I began to remember things.
Later we went to counsel with a lesbian women who said that I should read "co-dependent no more". Out of the 12 traits in the front of the book I had 10 or 11. I was co-dependent with my wife.
All this bullshit eventually led to a GID diagnosis. Looking back, all along the way I can now see that some of the counselors had a vested interest in getting me on hormones, psych drugs and generally fucking up my life, the motive is still unclear to me.
I also masturbated a hell of a lot, and felt realy guilty about it. Years later I would feel so guilty that I asked for and got a castration. This is a side of me that no one knows about.
However, I also have a very strong feminine nature and once I got rid of the hated drug Testosterone, she really came out. It is all as confusing as hell.
I'll live out my life as a woman, and a nice life it is, but there were years of pain and rejection and attempts at suicide. I'll always wonder if I could have finished up my life as a very mild, effeminate man if I had found a decent woman, not a man hating control freak.
G
I also.
Used to always feel extremely guilty about masturbation. It wasn't so much the masturbation itself that disturbed me, but the type of fantasies I'd have doing it. I've always fantasized about being a woman or being turned into a woman, or... I just don't let it disturb me anymore. I realize now why I've always had those sorts of fantasies, and I know it's nothing I can do anything about. I can only accept and let myself free to be the woman I am.
I honestly don't know how things were for you, but, getting my testosterone levels down lower has really mellowed me out a lot. I used to get angry at just about everything, I don't now.
Abigail Drew.
Big Shoes (not for fetishists)
This is a link to a company I've ordered from before. I'm only a 10WW but this site stocks up to 15WWW
www.DesignerShoes.com For Women who leave a larger footprint! The best thing about this site is you don't have to sort through 100s of images to find which ones are available in your size. Set your size and width, heel height, style..etc and it shows you only those matching.
Enjoy.
Dayna.
Counseling for me starts tomorrow
For a long time I thought it was a tomorrow that would never come. I don't think it will be a silver bullet
I would rather be able to honestly talk with those important to me, find people close by struggling with issues one day, girl talk another, dive into questions. I could feel guilty most of the time, but I have had open heart surgery, gone down to where I couldn't do my job. feel my body shake to where I cannot walk across a room, not drugs nor alcohol; it was the feeling of hopelessness.
I will do what I can, I like sisters and brothers honest about their journeys and who show compassion. I am glad you are here.
Counseling may help, but it more likely will be knowing people like you who see me through
Hugs, even on a day I may not feel so hug-able or love-able.
JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
Some home truths
There are people who suddenly decide, an Angharad's words, "I'm a transsexual, it's what Tiggers do". The docs shoulr weed them out before the thing goes too far, and the intake of girl goo is indeed a measure of that.
My own life was odd. I had a very high libido, but what the hell was I supposed to do? Confused doesn't even begin to describe me. I am now single and comfortable with it. A few people here know what I look like, and their hard drives have still not recovered (pun intended). My attitude is one that truly shows the split between LGB and T: sex is not that important. I am 54 on Friday, so it would normally have been on the way out anyway!
Hugs, now, they are important.