I'm a big fan of Dan Savage's sex advice column. Dan himself is gay, but he does a great job, in my humble opinion, of giving good advice to straight people, too. I find him to be witty, worldy, and well-centered and generally enjoy his sensible and insightful answers to even the kinkiest letters.
This week, he handles a letter from the aunt of a 5-year-old boy. The aunt worries that the boy, displaying a feminine orientation with regard to play, and clothing, and makeup, who she assumes is gay, is getting a bad deal from his father, the aunt's brother, and asks for advice. Dan answers the question without ever suggesting that the boy might be anything other than gay, which I found disappointing, as he usually takes a broader perspective.
Maybe the "signs" of gayness are all too familiar to a gay man who went through a similar phase, but I don't know. I at least wish he would have raised the issue of the possibility that the boy is transgendered.
I'm curious what others think. Here is what should be a permalink to this weeks column. The letter about the boy tops the column. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=424590
In a related posting on The Stranger's group blog, Dan posted a link to this YouTube of a SNL ad parody of an anti-anxiety drug for parents of gay children, whose tag line is "Because it's your problem, not theirs." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-Ly54AvTGI
Comments
That leads to an interesting question in this day and age
Hey Pippa,
Would a "modern" parent RATHER have a gay child vs a transgendered child? Is that easier to accept?
Huggles!!
Alexis
A child is a child is a child
All that I would prefer is a healthy child - and transgender, gay, or whatever is NOT unhealthy.
From a purely practical point of view I suspect gay would be easier to handle than transgender - or at least major problems could be deferred for a while.
Frankly, I'm just thankful that it was not a problem I had to face.
What ifs are great until it actually happens.
Gay, Transgendered
I have been getting emails regarding the apparent withdrawal of support from the gay community for Transgendered people. On one hand, I can see that larger groups get more support. On the other hand, I am a woman and I am not gay. I am not very interested in activist groups because they make me feel like the volume is turned up too much. I really dislike the flamboyant way that the parades and rallies pin this image on us that I just do not identify with.
Gwenellen
It's because...
... by and large, it's the same people that hate us, the same people that would really rather not share a world with us, and the same people who occasionally do their bit towards that end.
It's because it's about the transgression of boundaries of gender.
One might just as well get annoyed at those transsexuals who, because they can pass perfectly, choose to disappear, to live their normal lives and tell themselves that all the shit that comes down on the rest is nothing to do with them, because they're done and they're normal, not like those freaks you see on TV.
If a black person could avoid discrimination by passing perfectly as a white person, does that mean racism no longer exists?
LGBT
I recently joined a LGBT (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender) issues working group. As near as I can tell, I'm the only person, out of more than 30, directly interested in the "T" part. This is a very serious group, pushing practice and policy for both the local Quaker Meetinghouse, and for the regional body to which it belongs. And, they practice what they seek -- acceptance and mutual support. I have been nearly overwhelmed by their positive interest as well as a strong desire on their part to learn more about the transgendered and to incorporate issues of gender identity into their work for social justice and equality.
Perhaps there are some larger gay/lesbian groups who feel they need to represent primarily issues of sexual preference and marital rights, I don't know. However, GLSEN, one of the largest gay rights and education organizations, which does a lot of work with student groups in the schools, is certainly very inclusive of the transgendered and quite active in organizing for the Transgender Day of Remembrance (Nov. 20). I'll be getting lapel stickers and armbands from them for our memorial service at the Quakers.
Gender Identity discrimination is one of the last equality and human rights battles to be fought and won. We need all the allies we can get.
Let me guess...
Those letters are regarding the ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act).
What's actually happening is the politicians are the ones sending out those letters blatantly implying that the GLB community is backing away from the T* community, so they can split the GLBT vote! Let me explain. The Non-Transgender inclusive version of ENDA has the support to pass. The version that included Transgender did NOT. The HRC (Human Rights Campaign) rallied over 500 GLBT groups nationwide to support the inclusive version, and the politicians panicked that if they didn't split the GLB from the T* they'd lose ALL the votes! Oh noes! Thing is, due to the admirable actions of the HRC, the GLBT groups are hanging tough... and there's now an amendment on the non-inclusive version of ENDA that re-includes the Transgender protection.
Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
Wasn't it Jim Henson who said, "Without faith, I am nothing," after all? Wait, no, that was God. Sorry, common mistake...
Well it doesn't seem too off to me...
Dan's gay. He takes things from a gay prospective. If the corespondent had written to a TG advice columnist, they'd had said differently. Most non-TG people see TG-ish activity as a sign of being gay. Transgender is simply out of the ballpark for most people, and not the first thought. I wouldn't blame Dan or think him insensitive. I would contact him, and give him a different prospective on his article, though.
Does it matter?
I don't think it makes any difference in this particular case. The advice Dan gives (provide the kid with a safe place to let him be himself, even if you have to lie to the parent) is just as useful for dealing with a transgendered child as for a homosexual one.
(Also, the illustration for this column at The Onion AV Club is more fun.)
Follow-up
That piece generated so many comments that he ran an extra with the mail he got, including one from a reader named "TGIRL" who shares your opinion that the kid could be transgender:
Savage Love Extra
Parental advise
There are (IM-very-HO) only five pieces of advise to ever give parents:
1:Hug the kid!
2:If they ride at night, make them wear white.
3:Smile - Then hug the kid!!
4:Never, never let on that it's possible to buy ice cream from those trucks with bells.
5:Sigh - Grin - Then HUG THE KID!!!