I was sitting here at the computer getting some things done for work, and while I was pondering things, some old memories hit me. Flashes from late toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, middle school, and I realized something I had not noticed before. I always had a girl my age that was a friend and role model for me. I had boys that I was friends with. At times I hung out with them a lot more, but growing up I always had that one girl that I looked to when I was unsure about how to act, or that I looked to when the boys I played with confused me or just got too rough.

When I was real little it was a girl named Brianna. I always called her Nan. She was my next door neighbor until my family moved the summer before first grade. When I was 4, she must have been all of 6. Real rough and tumble little kid. Always barefoot, running around the field behind our houses. The two things that stick out in my mind about her was that she always got into the faces of the older boys in the neighborhood who would try to tease me. By older I mean like 8 or 9. Then when she was done facing off on the elementary school version of the cold war, at home or when it was just us, she only ever drink out of a baby bottle. She'd use a cup or glass when there were other kids around, but if it was just us, or her family, she'd only drink from a bottle.

Then in preschool, it was a little girl named Amy. I don't remember hardly anything about her actually. I remember her name and her face. That's about it. My mom told me over the years that I played with her pretty much exclusively, but for some reason the memories never stuck. I have this one image in my mind of her on the swings, long blonde hair flying behind her, wearing a yellow sun dress. Whenever I think about that, I get this feeling of both love, and extreme jealously. I think I wanted to both be with her and be her so badly.

In elementary school it was Amanda. I was in the same class with her all the way from first to fifth grade. I was in a special program for kids with physical disabilities then. She had spina bifida, and was wheelchair bound, but as far as I'm concerned she was, and still is, the most adorable girl I've ever met. Whenever I was lost, either physically or emotionally, the first thing I would do is look around for Amanda. We didn't hang out much during free times. My best friend then was a boy named Teddy, but Amanda and I knew how to keep each other in line. The slight mental problems that our different disabilities caused like my sense of direction, or her rigid thinking were a perfect match. One glance or quick word was usually enough to get the other back on track. She was my first crush. I remember our teachers called us an old married couple quite a bit. We ended up in the same project groups all the time because we knew how to handle each other better then anyone else did. We traded phone numbers the last day of fifth grade, but lost touch pretty quickly. I am so very sorry about that. I know we'd still be friends today if it was the age of e-mail and Facebook back then. Perhaps not all that close, but I know we would still be keeping in touch.

In middle school it was a girl named Desiree. She was an absolute bitch actually. As a person I couldn't stand her, but to watch her move was art. She was a dancer, did all the classes and performances and the like. As mean as she was, watching her walk screamed 'this is girl!' to me. Middle school for me was one of the loneliest times of my life. Very few friends. None of them particularly close. Where I moved to before 6th grade was very small. The schools didn't have accommodation for physical disabilities, but I still needed the extra help then. I got myself out of the programs completely in high school, but in middle school I ended up in a lot of the small classes for the behavioral problem kids. I kind of shut myself down to the world for those three years and did a lot of observing. I developed habits then that I am still trying to break. So I guess it does make sense that the girl I remember from that time is one I could watch rather then talk to.

This cycle finally broke in high school. Partially just growing up, and partially becoming more comfortable with myself I think. I discovered information on transgender issues online around 9th grade and started to realize who I was rather then looking at other girls and wishing for something I thought I could never have. I learned so much from each of those girls though. Two of them were true friends, and two I'm not sure. Crushes, role models, whatever. One thing is for sure, each of them added something to who I am, both in boy mode, but especially to myself as Gwendolyn.