I know that what I'm about to relate will seem like a very minor problem to those of you who have much more serious problems in your lives, but blogs are all about what bothers us, or what makes us happy, no?
I have to start by saying how much this group has meant to me over the last several years. I couldn't have made it as far as I have, without your support and help. There are many of you who were here when I first began my transition, and I hope I haven't disappointed any of you with my progress. There are also many here who joined after I did, and I hope that I have provided you with the help you needed, just as I received what I desperately needed from the others here.
I should preface further by saying that I believe I have gone as far as I can go with my own transition, without expensive and, for me unobtainable, surgical intervention. I'm reasonably happy with where I am and who I am at this point in my life, although I would love to complete, via surgery, my transition, since there has been a “glitch” if you will, in my thought patterns recently.
When I go to sleep at night, I have to take off my wig, my makeup and my breast forms, since it isn't good to sleep, or try to, wearing those things. We all know what sleeping in makeup does to your skin, the wig gets tangled and it's uncomfortable to sleep while wearing it. The forms shouldn't be slept in, since they are a bit fragile and can lose their shape eventually.
My problem, my “glitch” as it were, is that once I remove those things, I appear to myself as less than the woman I know myself to be. For those few moments before leaving the mirror, and when I first see myself again in the morning, I feel like that “other” person I was before I began down the “transition trail.”
I know that, given the financial wherewithal, I could correct my appearance problems and wouldn't see “him” again, but since I lack the funds to accomplish that task, I have to deal with it as best I can. Sometimes it's fairly easy to do... other times... well, let's just say it's one of the hardest things to deal with that I've ever attempted.
I'm not going to tell you that it's led me to consider going back! That is the furthest thing from my mind. I've never been so happy, so self assured, so pleased at who and what I've become as I am right now. Life as a woman has been so very sweet and fulfilling that to return to that taciturn, unhappy grouch I used to be is absolutely unthinkable for me.
I've talked to my therapist and to our support group leader about this, and there doesn't seem to be any answer for me other than surgery. Those of you who know me, know that I was a miserable person to try to deal with 'before' and I thought I had banished that sorry excuse for a human being when I began my transition, yet there 'he' is... every night, and every morning, greeting me with a sour expression on his face, in my mirror.
I might add that shaving that face is one of the most revolting, dewomanizing things I have to do, other than 'tucking.' Since electrolysis is also beyond my financial abilities, it's a necessary thing, but one more thing that frustrates the hell out of me. Yes, I know there are women who also have to shave their faces, but somehow that knowledge doesn't seem to help all that much.
The hormones have softened my face somewhat, at least enough that, when I finish my makeup, I appear, at least to myself, to be mostly feminine enough, and when topped by my wig, my appearance is sufficiently female enough to 'pass' without too much of a problem. Certainly I don't seem to be 'read' very often, which is a blessing all in itself.
My voice? Well, if you compare it to most women's it's deep, sort of like Bea Aurther's was... when I try. I have gotten much better, I think, with my inflections and word choices, as well as phrasing, but those things are improvable without spending a lot of money I don't have, so they don't worry me much at all.
No, it's that face that greets me before bed and after waking up that gets me down. That hated, MALE looking, unshaven face! It's most of the reason I haven't formed or even tried to form any relationship with anyone that would require me to stay overnight. I dread waking up next to someone who would see those whiskers, those lines, all the male flaws that still make me look like a guy. I began my transition, via hormones, WAY too late in life for me to expect anything tangible in the way of body changes.
Yes, I know there are those out there who would understand and who wouldn't care about that, but I care! I feel so much less like the woman I know I am, when I see that face. I don't know if all T-women feel this way, but I do, and it just makes me feel so disheartened and unworthy and unattractive.
I don't know what to do about it and I've gotten no real help from therapy or from friends, no matter how hard they've tried, and they have tried, believe me. I've exhausted all the resources available to me to find some solution for my feelings and so I've decided to bring you all into my problem, in the hope that one of you might be able to offer me some kind of solution... something, anything that might help me deal with, or change, the way I feel about this.
You've all proven how supportive and helpful you really are and words cannot express my gratitude for all the help you've all provided to me in the past. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away. I've tried that. There's an old limerick that ends with: “My face I don't mind it, because I'm behind it. It's the folks up in front that I jar.” and I so wish that could be my mindset.
Well, I've taken up more than my share of time, unloading this on all of you. I thank all of you for listening/reading and I hope I haven't burdened you with this semi-rant/complaint. If you have a solution, I welcome it. If you have flames, please keep them to yourself? Thanks.
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
preaching to the choir here sister.
I'm pretty much where you are, hon. When I take my wig and stuff off, I want to avoid mirrors, but of course thanks to needing to shave, I cant. I dont have any answers for you, just the loving support of a sister who knows of which you speak.
Hugs.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Identity is more than physical
Shouldn't this be about the inner person, who happens to reside in your body, rather than just looking the part, especially as you're not interacting with others at the time you feel unhappy. I can appreciate what you're feeling, been there done that etc., but does it matter what you look like in bed unless you're with someone else?
Can you not see it like the rise of a new dawn each day when you rise and become the outward expression of the inner woman, adorned in wig and other improvers, and each night you rest like the sun appears to do.
As you said, you've come such a long way, and if money were no object, you could go further in your transformation - but where would it stop? I've grown my own organic breasts, I've had surgery down below but I could have more, liposuction to create a better waist, breast enhancement to make me more interesting, facial surgery to make me prettier or get rid of wrinkles or crease lines. It's never ending, if you have the money, there'll be some clever surgeon who will be able to offer you some form of improvement, and eventually you'll end up completely different to who you started as - but will you be any happier? I doubt it because there'll be something else you'll want.
Happiness is usually something you feel with others or looking back on things. Contentment is feeling happy with how things are. We need to count our blessings, we've been able to get as far as we can, which is as far as is practicable, many others don't even get that chance.
Change those things you can change, accept those you can't and learn the difference between the two - it brings some contentment.
Angharad
Angharad
I agree with Sister Angharad.
In my own mind; my inner soul, I feel like Katherine Jenkins; even knowing that I sometimes more closely resemble a reptile. LOL
When I look into the mirror, it does not break, so that is something. Hah! So, to those who know me and have met me, I have often been told I have this facial expression that is somewhat like, "The cat that ate the canary". However, I must be clear that it is a cultivated look, and was as hard to get the first time as when Robin Williams was trying to get back his "Happy Thought".
I try to look like and imagine that I have just played a great joke on the world and have gotten away with it.
Also friendliness and "outgoingness" (Is that a word?) will smooth over a multitude of makeup sins. I do my best to encourage everyone I meet and have found that no matter how heavy my burden is, others carry one that is often worse.
I still have to shave every day, except Laser took care of the rest of my body quite nicely. I may not look like a model, but I tell myself I do.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
I began to read your comment with a bit of trepidation...
But I did a complete 180 after reading through, since as you say, it really isn't about how we 'look,' so much as the inner person. This reached me at a time when I was feeling very sorry about myself; feeling stuck in a long line of cars stuck in traffic on my own journey. Then I read this:
Happiness is usually something you feel with others or looking back on things. Contentment is feeling happy with how things are. We need to count our blessings, we've been able to get as far as we can, which is as far as is practicable, many others don't even get that chance.
Counting my blessings over and over since I read that passage, I realize just how fortunate I am and how blessed my life has become, irrespective of my 'appearance." Many thanks for helping me keep things in perspective, Ang!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Thoughts...
Angharad has said a lot that I agree with there, especially about the inner person. I have unfortunate genetics, but while my hands are "XL" in bike glove sizes (very odd) they are actually quite small. The rest of me, though...I tend to body hair, and male=pattern baldness, and life can indeed be a bitch. What is on my chest is mine, what there is of it, though.
I suppose there are two thoughts in my mind about this. Firstly, as Ang has said, that inner person is who you really are. Secondly...what exactly do you think other women do, apart from worry about their appearance?
Inside
We can adjust the picture and way we want to, but if we keep the original wiring we will see the picture we have tried to change. With that said...
In my heart and head I know I am a female. I am about six months away from finishing electrolysis. My vascular system is diseased, I can't do hormones nor will I be able to have SRS. One thing that I have learned we can accept us for us. If you let the picture give you doubts then make the picture fuzzy. "There are no wrong answers."
Knowing I can not have surgery I decided that I've alread been living as I feel comfortable. Ergo I will remain my feminine self in all that I do.
Remind yourself that under every beauty is a dreg waiting to put her down a peg. If you ignore the dreg the beauty of who you are will remain.
I know you as Catherine Linda, I've never met your male persona and am very satisfied that you who are you say you are.
We can be our own worst critics. You know what you do to present to others, thats who they know, ignore the mirror image its only going to go away while you are asleep and again when you are up for the day. Katherine Linda Michel is a person that derserves love from herself.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Little Reminders
Maybe you just need some little elements of femininity that you don't have to take off at bedtime. Paint your finger and toenails a pretty color; I know it always helps me to look down in the shower to see my pink toes. Maybe you could wear a couple pieces of jewelry to sleep in like a nice necklace, or sleepable earrings. And then when the rest of it gets you down, you can focus on the feminine things.