I know that what I'm about to relate will seem like a very minor problem to those of you who have much more serious problems in your lives, but blogs are all about what bothers us, or what makes us happy, no?

I have to start by saying how much this group has meant to me over the last several years. I couldn't have made it as far as I have, without your support and help. There are many of you who were here when I first began my transition, and I hope I haven't disappointed any of you with my progress. There are also many here who joined after I did, and I hope that I have provided you with the help you needed, just as I received what I desperately needed from the others here.

I should preface further by saying that I believe I have gone as far as I can go with my own transition, without expensive and, for me unobtainable, surgical intervention. I'm reasonably happy with where I am and who I am at this point in my life, although I would love to complete, via surgery, my transition, since there has been a “glitch” if you will, in my thought patterns recently.

When I go to sleep at night, I have to take off my wig, my makeup and my breast forms, since it isn't good to sleep, or try to, wearing those things. We all know what sleeping in makeup does to your skin, the wig gets tangled and it's uncomfortable to sleep while wearing it. The forms shouldn't be slept in, since they are a bit fragile and can lose their shape eventually.

My problem, my “glitch” as it were, is that once I remove those things, I appear to myself as less than the woman I know myself to be. For those few moments before leaving the mirror, and when I first see myself again in the morning, I feel like that “other” person I was before I began down the “transition trail.”

I know that, given the financial wherewithal, I could correct my appearance problems and wouldn't see “him” again, but since I lack the funds to accomplish that task, I have to deal with it as best I can. Sometimes it's fairly easy to do... other times... well, let's just say it's one of the hardest things to deal with that I've ever attempted.

I'm not going to tell you that it's led me to consider going back! That is the furthest thing from my mind. I've never been so happy, so self assured, so pleased at who and what I've become as I am right now. Life as a woman has been so very sweet and fulfilling that to return to that taciturn, unhappy grouch I used to be is absolutely unthinkable for me.

I've talked to my therapist and to our support group leader about this, and there doesn't seem to be any answer for me other than surgery. Those of you who know me, know that I was a miserable person to try to deal with 'before' and I thought I had banished that sorry excuse for a human being when I began my transition, yet there 'he' is... every night, and every morning, greeting me with a sour expression on his face, in my mirror.

I might add that shaving that face is one of the most revolting, dewomanizing things I have to do, other than 'tucking.' Since electrolysis is also beyond my financial abilities, it's a necessary thing, but one more thing that frustrates the hell out of me. Yes, I know there are women who also have to shave their faces, but somehow that knowledge doesn't seem to help all that much.

The hormones have softened my face somewhat, at least enough that, when I finish my makeup, I appear, at least to myself, to be mostly feminine enough, and when topped by my wig, my appearance is sufficiently female enough to 'pass' without too much of a problem. Certainly I don't seem to be 'read' very often, which is a blessing all in itself.

My voice? Well, if you compare it to most women's it's deep, sort of like Bea Aurther's was... when I try. I have gotten much better, I think, with my inflections and word choices, as well as phrasing, but those things are improvable without spending a lot of money I don't have, so they don't worry me much at all.

No, it's that face that greets me before bed and after waking up that gets me down. That hated, MALE looking, unshaven face! It's most of the reason I haven't formed or even tried to form any relationship with anyone that would require me to stay overnight. I dread waking up next to someone who would see those whiskers, those lines, all the male flaws that still make me look like a guy. I began my transition, via hormones, WAY too late in life for me to expect anything tangible in the way of body changes.

Yes, I know there are those out there who would understand and who wouldn't care about that, but I care! I feel so much less like the woman I know I am, when I see that face. I don't know if all T-women feel this way, but I do, and it just makes me feel so disheartened and unworthy and unattractive.

I don't know what to do about it and I've gotten no real help from therapy or from friends, no matter how hard they've tried, and they have tried, believe me. I've exhausted all the resources available to me to find some solution for my feelings and so I've decided to bring you all into my problem, in the hope that one of you might be able to offer me some kind of solution... something, anything that might help me deal with, or change, the way I feel about this.

You've all proven how supportive and helpful you really are and words cannot express my gratitude for all the help you've all provided to me in the past. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away. I've tried that. There's an old limerick that ends with: “My face I don't mind it, because I'm behind it. It's the folks up in front that I jar.” and I so wish that could be my mindset.

Well, I've taken up more than my share of time, unloading this on all of you. I thank all of you for listening/reading and I hope I haven't burdened you with this semi-rant/complaint. If you have a solution, I welcome it. If you have flames, please keep them to yourself? Thanks.

Catherine Linda Michel