Well, this has been a right strange Christmas, to say the least, what with Jen being gone, and the kid’s lack of enthusiasm for the holiday…I never thought I’d see the day when my children weren’t up at the crack of dawn to open presents. No, this year, I even slept in a bit and was still first up. I guess it’s safe to say Jen’s absence has been the main reason for the strangeness. Thank God she’s finally coming home. I can only hope she’s going to drop this charade and tell me what’s really going on. I have to say I hope I’m not correct, frankly, but I think I have a fair idea what’s coming. We shall see…

 

Lost in Thought, Part 5
By Jillian

 
Well, this has been a right strange Christmas, to say the least, what with Jen being gone, and the kid’s lack of enthusiasm for the holiday…I never thought I’d see the day when my children weren’t up at the crack of dawn to open presents. No, this year, I even slept in a bit and was still first up. I guess it’s safe to say Jen’s absence has been the main reason for the strangeness. Thank God she’s finally coming home. I can only hope she’s going to drop this charade and tell me what’s really going on. I have to say I hope I’m not correct, frankly, but I think I have a fair idea what’s coming. We shall see…

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Dave was sitting in the waiting area at the arrival gate, and didn’t even notice Jen’s arrival until she spoke, “Dave?”

“Jen, are you okay?” he asked as he jumped out of his seat and moved in for what he had planned as a gentle hug. As she melted into his arms, he knew his thoughts were correct. He still didn’t know the specifics, but he knew without her even speaking that the lie she had been telling these past couple of months was just that…a lie, intended to “protect” the family.

As she sniffed back a tear, he looked into her eyes and asked, “So tell me what’s really going on. I’m guessing there isn’t really a boyfriend, is that correct?”

She started to speak, but instead broke down in tears, clinging to his body as hers was wracked with an outpouring of emotion that had been held inside for far too long. When she was finally able to speak, she said, “I’m sorry luv. I’m so very sorry.” He handed her a tissue, and they sat down for a moment to allow her the chance to collect her thoughts.

As Jen still hadn’t regained her composure enough to speak, Dave took the opportunity to float the idea he had been harboring these past few days. “I’ve had the thought that you’ve not really been telling us what’s going on. I can tell that you’ve been ill…seriously, from what I can tell. So are you ready to drop the pretense and let us know what’s really going on?”

“Yes, I’d like that very much. I’ve missed you so. I hope I haven’t ruined everything forever.”

“I’ll not lie…the kids and I have all had a hard time through all of this. At first, I took what you said at face value, and was devastated. But as the weeks have passed, and we’ve had the chance to see a little bit of you here and there, I started wondering if that wasn’t just a smokescreen, as I could see you looking less like your old self. In a way, I’m glad to know that my suspicions were correct, although I’m not thrilled that you might be ill. What’s important is that you’re here, and planning to let us know what’s really going on. Whatever else may have gone on, we can deal with. For right now, we’ll wait until you’re ready to tell us the truth.”

“Yes, I’m rather sick.”

“How bad?”

“There was a problem on my pap smear a while back…Cancer”

With the utterance of that one word, they found themselves once again wrapped tightly around each other in an attempt to seal out any influences that might wish to inflict themselves upon them at that moment. When once again they had both regained some control of their respective tear ducts, Dave ventured, “So how long have you known?”

“Since the Worlds. It showed up in my monthly physical. Dieter, he’s the team doctor, has been keeping it from George and the rest of the team while arranging my treatments. I would have asked if I were welcome home sooner, but I had to stay for a chemo treatment this week.”

“You never needed even ask. Your place has always been with me, and that will never change. Chemo…that usually means it’s pretty bad. Just how bad?”

“Well, it’s difficult to know for sure. They’re saying worst case is about six weeks.”

“So what’s next? More chemo? Radiation? Surgery?”

“Well, in order, that’s yes, no, and maybe. When I go back in for my next follow-up, they should have a fair idea whether the chemo is doing the trick, and if not they say there is surgery as a last ditch effort. Please promise me you won’t tell the kids about that part.”

“I won’t, but you’ve got to tell them you’re sick. It’s only fair. I can’t guarantee they’ll understand your reasons for the subterfuge of a boyfriend…frankly I’m not sure I understand that either…but…”

“I don’t deserve you, do you know that? I’m afraid the kids may have other thoughts on the subject, because I know they’re feeling hurt over all of this, but I hope they’ll be willing to give me a chance to make it up to them.”

“Well, you may have a point there. Our firstborn has been, how shall I say, rather difficult these last weeks. Hopefully she can manage to get past all that so we can get back to the business of being a family.”

“What about Drew?”

“Oh, he won’t be nearly as difficult to turn around as his sister.”

“And Gaby?”

“You really do see them as different people?”

“Well, sometimes, yes. And since in the last year I’ve seen a lot more of her than I have of him…” she let the thought fade away and smiled softly.

“Since you put it that way, I suppose I can see your point. Anyway, Gaby hasn’t really made a lot of appearances of late. A few here and there, but mostly it’s just been Drew.” Dave made a point of not mentioning the night he came home to find Drew in his mum’s clothes, as he was afraid it might be a bit much for her to deal with in her current condition. “The important thing is, once they know the truth, I’m guessing you’ll be welcomed home with open arms.”

And so after a few more minutes of gently hugging each other, Dave helped Jen up and after retrieving her luggage, took her to the car and helped her into the passenger seat, then climbed in behind the wheel. “You look like you could use some rest. Why don’t you close your eyes and try to get a little nap on the drive home?”

“That’s a grand idea,” Jen nearly whispered as she closed her eyes and laid her head back against the seat’s headrest. She was asleep before he had even made it out of the car park.
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I don’t know quite how to feel at the moment. I mean, in a way I’m glad that the whole affair thing was just a farce. But at the same time, I can barely keep myself from falling apart over the news of just exactly what the real problem is. And just look at her. A few months ago, this woman was the embodiment of fitness, and now…she’s looks thin, weak…I get the feeling there’s more she’s trying to hold back even now, like it’s worse than she’s let on. God, I hope not.

I hope she’s up to the inquisition when we get home. I’m pretty sure I know how Drew will react, but Juliette? That one’s still up in the air. I just hope she’ll come around quickly. I don’t think Jen is up to much in the way of confrontations right now.

What am I going to do if she doesn’t get better? Even when I believed she was leaving me for someone else, there was always the possibility that she might decide to come back to me, but this? I can’t imagine my life without her. I certainly can’t see myself loving another woman the way I love Jen.

Okay, just stop this line of thinking right now. This is neither the time nor place for that kind of thing. I have to remain as positive as possible, for Jen and the kids. Just remember, in their eyes, I’m the rock, and I can’t let them down, no matter what.
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About halfway home, Jen opened her eyes and looked over at Dave. He was on the verge of tears, so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed that she’d awakened.

“Are you all right?”

Shocked by the sound of her voice breaking the silence in the car, Dave jumped and nearly lost control of the vehicle, recovering quickly before addressing her. “What was that? Sorry, you surprised me. I wasn’t expecting you to wake so soon.”

Smiling, somehow an alien gesture given the recently shared information, Jen repeated, “Are you all right? You know with all that’s going on?”

“I think so. A little stunned, to tell the truth, but I’ll be fine. My main concern is you.”

The rest of the journey was made mostly in silence, as Jen rested in the passenger seat while Dave tried to keep his mind on the task of bringing his beloved home. As they arrived, he helped her out of the car and lovingly held her arm as he escorted her toward the front door. As the approached, they could hear the sounds of their scurrying offspring preparing for their mother’s arrival.

“Come on son, let your mother inside” Dave said as they stepped into the house. There were the usual greeting hugs, though still somewhat tentative at least on Jules’ part. It was clear to anyone who saw the exchange that there was some ground to cover before this family would be able to return to anything remotely resembling normal.
Ten minutes later and the family Bond were gathered in the lounge, there was obviously more to this than just a visit from their estranged mother. Dave had his arm around Jen; sat on the sofa with a look the kids couldn’t remember seeing on his face before.

“So what's this all about?” Jules asked, “Come to rub Dieter in our faces?”

Jen flinched at Jules barb and then Drew realized that she most certainly wasn't the bubbly Mum of old, not by a long way.

“I guess I deserve that,” she allowed.

“You coming home then?” Drew asked.

“Not if Dad's got any sense” Jules spat.

“Jules!” Dave almost shouted, “don't speak to your mother like that!”

“Well she deserves it.”

“It's alright Dave, she's right. After the way I've treated you all I do deserve it.”

“But…” Dave started.

“Dave.” Jen patted Dave's arm and he lost some of the tension that he was holding in.

“To answer Drew's question, yes I am here because I want to come home…”

“Brill!” Drew nearly shouted.

“Drew!” Dave admonished, “let you mother finish.”

“Whether I can is another matter.” Jen went on. “I've already explained things to your Dad and we're agreed that the final decision should be yours. I've mucked up your lives for my own selfish reasons.”

“So its over with lover boy is what you're saying,” Jules, blunt as ever stated.

“Jules!”

“Sorry Dad.”

“You could say that Juliette, you could say that.” Jen looked pretty down.

“You want me to tell them?” Dave asked

“Thanks Dave but I really need to do this myself.”

“So?” Jules insisted.

Jen seemed to gather herself up before starting.
“I've been a very silly woman. Selfish and silly. You must understand that I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.”

“Running off with Dieter?” Jules was in there again.

“I won't tell you again young lady” Dave told her

“Sorry” she allowed

“Go on Mum” Drew encouraged

“Well it started back in the summer. The team doctor gives us a physical once a month, no problem but in July he called me back, not usual — one of the tests had turned something up”

“I knew it, you were pregnant!” Jules exclaimed

“What did I tell you?” Dave intoned

“No more interruptions, promise”

“No Jules, I wasn't pregnant but you're not a million miles off the truth. It was the smear test, it showed up some abnormalities.”

“What's a smear?” Drew asked

“Women's stuff” a suddenly less flippant Jules replied. That one sentence from her Mum seemed to have flicked a switch in the rebellious teen.

“Well I had some more tests and convinced the doc not to tell anyone.”

“He shouldn't anyway,” Jules mentioned

“Well yes and no. As team doctor he's supposed to tell George if there's anything wrong, I agreed to that in the contract. But anyway he agreed to keep quiet for the time being.”

“Quiet about what?” Drew, as the youngest and least knowledgeable about such things, asked.

“I've got cancer Drew.”

Drew sat there in stunned silence. Jules got up and joined the rents on the sofa, giving her Mum a determined hug. Cancer. The word hung there like a wasp's nest, taunting them all with questions but knowing that one poke will start Armageddon.

“But you can't have, the World Championships?”

“I only recently started getting sick” Jen allowed.

“But why?” Jules managed between sobs.

“Why didn't I say anything? The doc gave a good prognosis, I didn't want to worry anyone.”

“Well that didn't work,” Drew mentioned joining the family hug.

Jen stroked his hair as she went on. “The treatment was going well or so we thought then right before the Worlds Dieter, yes there is a Dieter, he's my doctor, well he told me that the cancer was spreading. I couldn't believe it; here I was at the top of my form but with this, this thing inside of me. In some perverse way it probably pushed me to the medals, I was determined to beat it.”

“Like Lance did?” thoughts of the miracle man of cycle sport buoyed Drew’s thoughts.

“Well yes,” Jen allowed, “although I've got a different sort”

“So what was the Australia thing all about?” Jules enquired

“Well Dieter couldn't keep it from George any longer. George is really a big softy, he wanted me to come home straight away, I should've listened to him. Instead I made him agree to secrecy and I know it was misguided now but I thought I could protect you all if I left, invented a boyfriend and went through the treatment on my own.”

“You never told anyone did you?” Jules mentioned

“Not until today. Only George, Dieter and the people at the clinic. I've been so selfish.”

“So what changed your mind?” Her youngest got out between sobs.

“Well you did actually Drew.”

“Me?”

“Last week at the BBC. I realized just how much I missed you all”

“You could have come home then” Drew accused.

“No I couldn't Drew, I had my first chemo session on Monday, that's when I decided that the charade had to end. I couldn't bear it if I didn't see you all again. It took me until Christmas Day to muster the courage, I had to go to the clinic on Boxing Day otherwise I would have come sooner.”

“So…?” Jules hugged her Mum closer.

“How long?” Jen said those words. It was the question you never want to ask or know the answer to. “Well hopefully years,” Jen tried on a smile but it didn't fit, “The chemo will hopefully get it, if not there's surgery.”

She was covering up again, they both could tell, but even Jules didn't pursue it.

“We'll cancel America,” Drew stated.

“I'll ring Mr. Wood” Jules agreed.

“No you won't.” their Mum was emphatic. “No cancellation and no one else knows right? I'll be here when you get back, cured and ready to give you both hell!”

There was just something in her voice that told another story, that she was even now trying to protect us.

“You must ring your mother and Maria, she was frantic
with worry you know?” Dave told Jen.

“I've probably lost a few friends over this haven't I?” she looked like a lost little girl.

“I'm sure when you explain they'll understand,” her loving husband suggested. “Now kids, your mother needs to rest.”

“Daa-aad!” Jules complained.

“Your Dad's right, I'm really tired, I left home at six this morning. But before I go up, I need to know kids, I'll understand if the answers no but can I come home?”

By way of answer they both just hugged her closer.
“Course” Jules told her, the tears starting again.
They held each other a while longer before Dave shooed the kids off and carried a now sleeping Jen upstairs.
___________________

If will has anything to do with recovering from something like this, you’ll be back up and riding by summer. I’d give just about anything if I could ensure that were to be the case, luv. For now, just focus on resting up so you can get better. That’s all I care about…that you get better.
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“She's not telling us everything is she Dad?” Jules asked when her dad returned.

“I'm sworn to secrecy Jules but yes you're right.”

“Its really bad isn't it?” Drew managed.

“Not good” he agreed.

“Its weeks isn't it?” Jules stated.

Dave hesitated before answering. “You don't say a word to your mother right?” They nodded.

“Promise me now, she might be ill but she's still got a vicious tongue!” he tried to joke.

“We promise” Jules agreed.

“The chemo is a last ditch attempt to halt it's spread. Like your Mum said, there is surgery but it might be too late for that already. They've given her six weeks.”

“Six weeks!” Drew nearly screamed.

“We can't go to America Dad, we should be here with you for her” Jules stated with calm she didn't feel.

“It's what she wants Jules. I promise you both, if it comes to it, I'll get you back home in time to say goodbye.”

“Daad!” Drew sobbed flinging my arms round him.
The three of them hugged for who knows how long.

“She will stay now won't she?” Drew asked.

“Of course she will son.”

“I couldn't bear it if she went away again.”

“Now then you two,” Dave started, extricating himself from the hug, “your mother doesn't want either of you broadcasting this all over the place.”

“But?”

“No buts Drew. She'll tell people in her own time. So please, for your Mum?”

“Yes Dad” Drew agreed.

“Jules?”

“Okay”

There were more questions to ask but now wasn't the time.

“I'm just popping out for a few minutes, we're out of milk. You two okay? I won't be long.”

“Sure Dad” Drew replied.

Dave picked up his keys and went out to the car, climbed in and started the engine, then backed out of the driveway and started navigating his way to the grocers. He made the entire trip on auto pilot, not really being aware of anyone or anything around him. In fact, he wasn’t sure he remembered how exactly he had arrived there. Once he was pulled into a parking space out some distance from the store, he put the vehicle in park, turned off the engine, and almost immediately slumped over the wheel heaving great sobs, welling up from his very soul. After a while, he started to regain some small bit of composure, and started running over his thoughts.
__________________

It’s almost as if she had held back telling me the full extent of what’s going on before when we were talking at the airport, and during the car ride home. Maybe she couldn’t face saying those things more than once today? Whatever the reason, I’m glad she’s home. I don’t ever want to feel the way I have since she’s been gone again.

I was so glad when the kids were hugging their mum. I was afraid that, even after the truth was out, Jules might still be hard to bring around. I think she felt even more abandoned by her mum than Drew did…he after all still had cycling in common, while she really doesn’t share any common ground with her mum. Not the same activities, or tastes…I think she felt as if Jen was choosing something else over her, and didn’t care for the feeling one bit. Now, who knows? She seemed willing to accept her mum back into the house, but is she past all her hurt feelings? Of course not. I hope she can find her way past all that. I’d hate to think that she left for America still harboring negative feelings toward her mum.

I suppose I won’t have to worry about what will be keeping me busy while the kids are away. I’m going to have to focus everything I can on the effort to help her get better. I’m sure she’s going to need a lot of attention during her recovery…she’ll probably be too weak to do much on her own for quite a while, so I’m going to have to make sure she doesn’t overdo things. Like that’s an easy task. Easy or not, I’m going to have to do it. Now that she’s back home, I don’t want to chance her leaving us permanently again. If she’s ever able to return to racing, fine, but she’s going to know just how important she is to us…to me. Just please always come home. I know now more than ever that I couldn’t withstand that kind of torture, if she were to leave us.

Poor Drew. I’m sure he felt a bit left out of things today. Jules was so vocal during our family meeting, sometimes I worry that he tries to just bottle things up, rather than letting them out just in case it might hurt someone else’s feelings. He’s like that. I hope it doesn’t come back to bite him sometime, when all that comes bubbling out, like it did that one night. I do wonder sometimes if he reacts to things the way he does because in so many ways, he’s really more Gaby. When she’s with us, she’s more relaxed, self confident, less of a wallflower…in many ways Gaby’s a more vibrant person than Drew. I just worry that eventually, she’s going to become so much more the dominant part of him that she’ll overtake his entire life, and that would be such a rough life, having to deal with the discrimination and hatred that seems to be heaped onto those who are different. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but specially my Drew.

I realize I’m rather biased, but he deserves better than that. He’s always been such a caring, loving, helpful child. While objectively, I could say that it’s usually the gentler ones who find themselves on the receiving end most often, I still wish with every fiber of my being that I could prevent him from experiencing all of that.

I had probably best get myself pulled back together and head back home. Jen may be waking up soon, and I need to be there in case she needs anything.
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After drying the tears from his cheeks, Dave wiped his eyes, started the car’s engine, and drove back home so he could take care of his true love.