"I am become death," I said softly, "On a pale horse I ride..."
I raised the gun one last time, this time to my own head.
I couldn't live with what I had become."

 
by Lisa Caitlin Grey

 

---

 
This story is dedicated to my beloved friend and soul mate who passed away in November of 2002. Dana, I will always miss you terribly.
 
Part 12: The Dying Of The Light...
 
Chapter 38
 
 
When I came to I was on a shuttle. The commandos were sitting on benches on either side and I was dumped on the floor like so much refuse. I was bound hand-and-foot and could do very little but lie there and cry about the treacherous death of my friend. We soon docked with a large freighter where I was carried on board and taken to a room where my hands and feet were cut loose before being tossed inside.

"Valerie?" I heard someone say. I looked around me. It was worse than I had imagined. It was Dan that had spoken. They had gotten him too. They also had gotten Captain Edmunds. He lay on a bunk unconscious. It looked like he had sustained a bad hit in the upper chest area, judging from the bandages.

"Valerie," Dan said again in a strangely quavering voice, "Brian is dead. They killed him." Worse and worse. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut and I sat down hard on a nearby bench with my face in my hands.

"We had just brought Miri and Brock over to the house for dinner," Dan began. "We were planning on talking to her about the two of you. It was just so obvious how much you were both hurting. We got in the house and they were there, Valerie. They were in our house, OUR house. Well, Brian and I always carry, ever since that time we were almost mugged. We started to lay down covering fire, and got Miri and your son out of the house. We held them pinned down while Miri got Brock to the car and took off, but one of them had a laser rifle. He was about to hit the car, so Brian stood up to get a shot at him. He took the guy out but he had left himself open to return fire. That’s when they got him. I kept firing and firing until my weapon charge was depleted. They knocked me out and I woke up here."

"They were using slug throwers, Valerie," Dan said in a dazed sort of shock.

"Stop it," I said. "I can't listen to this."

"There was so much blood," Dan continued as if not hearing me.

"I said stop it, Dan," I said again.

"He took a round in the face, Valerie," Dan continued, lost in his own world of grief. "His beautiful face...I couldn't even recognize him. It was just a mass of blood and shredded meat."

"STOP IT!" I screamed hysterically, and then collapsed weeping in anguish. This snapped Dan back to reality. He collected me in his arms and I held on to him tightly as we both wept on each other's shoulders.

Sometime later, when we were both cried out, I told Dan how they had got me. Dan radiated anger when I related how they had outright executed Cheryl. She was closer to me than to him, but she was a friend and didn't deserve to die like that. Dan told me he didn't know how they had captured Darius. They had brought him in about two hours after Dan, and about six hours before me. He had been unconscious all that time. Dan was certain Miri had gotten away with Brock and that meant they wouldn't get her now. They couldn't afford to be too high profile and she was certainly well protected by now.

A little while later we felt the familiar double jolts that marked a transition through hyperspace. That hopefully meant there wouldn't be any more of our friends joining us. I was relieved about that. Darius finally came around and had told us how he was returning from a debriefing with the military brass when his car was hit with an EMP blast and disabled. He said commandos had pulled him out of the car, and he fought them. He managed to get one of their side arms as they pulled him out of the car and in the ensuing firefight he had been shot. This was the first thing he remembered since then. I could tell he was in a lot of pain. He was pale and drawn and probably needed medical attention.

Darius had just finished telling us about how they got him when the door opened and we had a visitor who made my blood run cold. It seemed that one Olaf Johansson was masterminding this whole operation. We were in deep trouble.

"Well, fancy meeting you here, Broccoli," Olaf said. "Gee, you look like crap, and why the long face? You would think someone had killed your best friend." He smiled sadistically. "Oh wait, someone did kill your best friend."

Dan started to get up and charge the brute but I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as hard as I could. He sat back down and fumed.

"What no glib come backs?" Olaf jeered. "No pearls of wisdom?"

"You have the upper hand, Olaf," I said, bowing my head in defeat. "Why are you here?"

"Well, it seems that the brass has finally gotten curious about what's going on in the Restricted Zone," Olaf said grinning. "Nice little set up you queers got here. Too bad when I bring you back and report, it will be wiped out. Of course, I won't lose any sleep over it."

"No, I didn't expect you would," I said tiredly. "So, did you come all this way for me? I should be flattered."

"In fact I did," Olaf said. "When I heard about this mission, I just had to volunteer. Just think, it's a ways before we get back to non-queer space and we can use all that time to catch up." Something about the cruel smile and the tone of his voice said that he wasn't talking about sitting around chatting about the old days. "And I have a special surprise for you, sissy boy."

He held up a translucent amber pill. I could tell it was the same kind of pill that I had taken to finally feel right with my body. I didn't even want to think what this one would do.

"Not even curious about what it's going to do, Broccoli?" Olaf taunted. I didn't say anything because as I suspected, "I'll tell you anyway. It's a body-tailoring virus. Damn, these things are expensive. This one I had special ordered, just for you. It's gonna make you a bald hideously fat guy. Too bad we failed to get your Amazon bitch of a girl friend. I would have loved to have seen the look of disgust on her face when she saw you after I forced this down your throat." I shuddered in spite of myself.

"Don't worry though, sissy boy," Olaf jeered some more. "I'm not going to give it to you just yet. I'm going to let that Salazar freak play with you some first." Olaf started laughing at the look of horror on my face and he turned and left.

And play they did. Olaf and Salazar came in once a day for four days. They took me out to their special torture chamber and--well, I won't go into disturbing details, but suffice it to say I'm going to carry those scars for the rest of my life. I was never a vindictive person. I never had any desire to kill someone that wasn't trying to kill me, but I promised myself, the first chance I got, those bastards were history, and I was going to take great pleasure in killing them.

I was changing, not because of the pill, which Olaf never missed a chance to taunt me with, but inside. The love and compassion I had were slowly being burned away by a white-hot fury. Each session, each taunt, each time they told me about how much they had enjoyed killing my friends, the fury grew, burning away more and more of the good. I was beginning to live for only one purpose...Vengeance.
 
 
Chapter 39
 
 
After the fourth session with Olaf and Salazar, I could barely stand. Walking was out of the question. So after we jumped through hyperspace on the fifth day, when the guards came instead of Olaf, I was relieved. They were moving us. I didn't know where and really, I didn't care anymore. There was only one thing keeping me breathing in the dark place I was in...Vengeance.

So it was, when the guard dragged me up off the bunk I was lying on and shoved me toward the door, I fell on the ground and didn't try to get up. I didn't even flinch when the guard viciously kicked me in the ribs. I felt at least two ribs break, but it was meaningless. It was just one more pain in a sea of pain. Dan picked me up and carried me, to prevent the guard from doing any further damage.

The guards brought us to the main airlock of the ship. Olaf and Salazar were there, waiting, along with the TSN Commando squad. Olaf leered when he saw me. Salazar gave me a predatory look.

"Won't be long now, sissy-boy," Olaf said to me. "Soon we will be back on my ship and headed home, and you will be having another change." He laughed evilly. I glared pure hatred at him, willing his flesh to blacken and begin to melt off his bones. He just laughed harder.

We all stepped into the airlock after we heard a clunk, indicating the ship had docked with something. The inner door closed and the outer door opened, revealing another airlock belonging to whatever we had docked with. We moved into that one and the outer doors closed. This time, though the inner door didn't begin to open when the outer door closed. Instead, a mist began to fill the room. I saw men begin to cough and then drop to the floor before my own awareness fled me.

When I came to, there was a doctor standing over me. He had injected me with something and his face looked very grim. Then the face of a red-haired angle appeared in my view. I thought I must have finally lost it. The pain had driven me mad.

"How is she, Doc?" Admiral Shehane asked the doctor.

"Not good, I'm afraid," the doctor shook his head. "She has been tortured physically and sexually." How did he know that? "She is bleeding from her rectum and her genital area." Oh, that's how he knew. "She has at least two broken ribs and possibly some fractures in her legs and arms. Her body appears to be 60% covered with bruises. These psychos really did a number on her. She needs a hospital very soon." I groaned and they realized I was coming around.

"It's okay, sugar," the Admiral said in her southern drawl. "You're safe now. We have the slime that did this to you in custody."

"Help me up," I croaked. The doctor started to protest but the Admiral gently moved him out of the way while Yolanda and Erika carefully picked me up and set me on my feet. Lined up on the other side of the room with the TSN commandos were my two tormentors. I displayed a predatory grin and they flinched. I reached down and pulled Erika's side arm. It was the reduced power space combat laser. It wouldn't penetrate the bulkhead, but it would burn a hole right through flesh. By force of sheer will, I slowly and painfully walked across the room until I stood before the objects of my hatred. Salazar was first. I slowly raised the handgun and aimed it at Salazar's groin. He began to whimper. Some of the people in the room moved as if to stop me, but Dan was on one side of me and the Admiral was on the other. The motioned everyone to stand down.

"Valerie, Honey," the Admiral said, "are you sure this is what you want?"

Beads of sweat popped out on Salazar's head as I considered the Admiral's words. As an answer, I pulled the trigger and vaporized Salazar's genitals. A collective gasp echoed through the room. Salazar screamed in agony and collapsed to his knees on the deck, but still the Admiral and Dan kept anybody from interfering. I moved to stand before Olaf next. As I raised the gun and pointed it at his genitals, he began to tremble visibly.

"So, Olaf, are you scared?" I taunted him. "You are about to lose the thing that makes you believe you are a man. How does that make you feel? You're going to look awfully stupid running around wearing dresses."

"Please, Broc...Valerie, no," Olaf began to plead like the worm he was. "Kill me if you want, but please don't take my manhood. Please, don't make me wear a dress." I pulled the trigger and he screamed and fell to his knees like Salazar. I stood there for a moment, taking pleasure in the agony my tormentors were now in. Olaf looked up at me, his eyes filled with shock and fear. I smiled cruelly at him and raised the gun once more. This time before anyone could stop me I executed both of them with a shot to the head in quick succession. Everybody stood frozen at the surreal scene that had just played out before them. As the lifeless bodies hit the deck heavily, I searched my soul for any hint of remorse. I came up empty. That's it then--they won in the end because I had just killed two living beings and I felt no pain, no regret, and no guilt. I only felt satisfaction.

"I am become death," I said softly, "On a pale horse I ride..." I raised the gun one last time, this time to my own head. I couldn't live with what I had become. As I placed the barrel to the side of my head and began to pull the trigger, Jessica snatched it from my hand as easily as if I were a child. She had prevented me from killing myself, but she was too late. My light had died, my fire had gone out. I just stood there staring at the bulkhead; my words playing over and over in my head, "I am become death. On a pale horse I ride..."
 
 
Chapter 40
 
 
Over the next few months, I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings. I spent a while in the hospital as the Doctors nursed my body back to health. They removed many of the scars my tormentors left on my physical body, but they couldn't do anything for my mental wounds, not that they didn't try; a whole corps of shrinks was brought in to try to break through my catatonia. None of it helped. The only thing that provoked a response was when Dan brought me my laptop and I began working on my ship designs again.

I vaguely remember going to both Brian and Cheryl's memorial service. Dan made me go; he dressed me and guided me around like I was a blind woman, but I didn't respond at all. I just stared straight ahead and exhibited no reaction, never saying a word. Miri was there, but she kept her distance, even kept Brock away from me. I didn't care. I felt nothing. I was nothing. I was the living dead. "I am become death. On a pale horse I ride..."

I should say that most of my recollection of this time wasn't at all as complete as I am making it sound. I'm largely going by what my friends told me later of that period. I remained in this mostly dead state for weeks. All I did was design ships. They were the only things that could reach me, perhaps because they were warships, therefore instruments of Death. The weeks stretched into months, in which my first designs started to float out of the shipyards in massive numbers, and finally, after nearly a year, something unexpected happened.

One afternoon there was a great stir on the planet Diversity. Strangers had come, in peculiar looking ships that seemed to materialize out of empty space. They were the Drandians, Pack Commander Talia and her crew, to be precise. A delegation was sent to treat with her. However, there was much consternation when she informed them she was not interested in diplomacy. She informed them that she had to see one Valerie Nicole Callaway, without delay.

Well, governments being what they are, they harrumphed, and did delay as they figured out how to slip a Drandian down to the planet surface without causing a huge public disturbance. In the end they decided on a simple hooded cloak and a limo with privacy glass. Masters of disguise, huh?

Dan was with me, as he most always was these days, when Talia entered the room. He took care of my every need, all except one that is. He simply refused to let me die.

"Look Valerie, Talia is here," Dan said gently, not really expecting a response. He wasn't disappointed. I just stared at my laptop screen, busily designing.

Talia removed her hood and looked intently at me. She recoiled, wincing.

"She is unaware of us, Dan Chestnut," Talia told him, sadly. "Her light has died and she is dead."

"She's not dead," Dan protested. "Look, she's breathing and moving, and since she's designing ships, her mind must be functioning. How could she be dead?"

"Because she feels nothing, Dan Chestnut," Talia explained. "Nothing but the pain and horror of the things she has seen and experienced. She is able to design ships, well, because she perceives them as instruments of death."

"So that's it?" Dan asked incredulously. "You came all this way to pronounce her dead? Why did you come all this way, anyhow?"

"I felt her suffering," Talia explained, "as did many of my people who touched her mind, particularly the one who owes her his life. He is mad with rage and violence over what has happened to her and has had to be restrained. His connection was deeper than mine, so he feels her pain more acutely than even I do."

"So, there is nothing that we can do for her, Talia?" Dan asked "Surely, that's not true."

"You are correct, Dan Chestnut, there is one thing we can try," Talia said. "We can try to re-light her flame and restore the warmth and glow of her inner light."

"Okay, this sounds way more metaphysical than I know anything about. How do we do it," asked Dan.

"We must gather together all those that love her and I will try to channel the love into her," Talia explained.

"Well, that's just it," Dan told her sadly as he stroked my hair. "Valerie is running a bit short on friends these days. They keep dying or quitting on her."

"Ah, that would explain some of the torment she is in," Talia said. "Where is her mate? And her little one?"

"Miri is not willing to see her," Dan said bitterly. "I have tried, hoping she could bring Val around, but she refuses. She even refuses to let their child see Val. She says that she wants the child to remember the vibrant person his other mother was, not the vegetable she is now. Honestly, I don't know what to think. Miri is acting so cold. That's not like her, especially since it's all out of proportion to what caused their breakup. I mean, Val did kinda do her dirty, but it was for the right reasons."

"What happened?" Talia asked.

Dan told her about the whole sordid affair that happened just outside the Zone. Talia smiled a bit when Dan got to the part about Darius changing sides.

"Yes, that does seem to be an odd overreaction," Talia said. "I need to talk to her. I am glad that Captain Edmunds decided to join you. I sensed he really wanted to. Is he still around?"

"Yeah, he's with the Zone military now," Dan said.

"Good because he loves Valerie Callaway as well. In the same way that Valerie loves the little one, I believe he loves her like a father would love a daughter, in your terms," Talia explained.

"Talia, we simply have to do something to bring her out of this," Dan said with raw emotion, "She is all I have left, and she was Brian's best..." Dan got too choked up to continue. Talia came and laid a softly furred hand on his arm.

"Do not worry, Dan Chestnut. We will find some way to re-light her fire," Talia comforted. She could feel the raw pain all of these people felt, and she silently grieved for them. They were good people, too good to have to feel this way.

"Thank you, Talia," Dan said, once he pulled himself together. "I'll go call Miri and see if she will meet you here. Please keep an eye on Val in case she needs anything."

Talia nodded and sat down beside the bed as Dan went out of the room to call Miri.

-=^=-

"Greetings, Miri Flowers," Talia said to Miri as she walked in the house.

"Hi, Talia, how have you been?" Miri asked.

Talia noticed immediately that Miri had lost the glow she had had before. She looked haggard, a shadow of the vivid personality she had been. "Miri Flowers, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Talia, why do you ask?" Miri said defensively.

"Miri Flowers, you cannot hide your pain from me. I am an empath, remember?" Talia chided her.

"Yeah so," Miri said irritably. "I fail to see how it's any of your business what's going on in my head."

"You would be correct, Miri Flowers, except for one thing," Talia pointed out. "The forgiveness ceremony you performed with me. That created a life bond and what you feel, I also feel. Miri Flowers, this is important. You have been denying your heart for long enough. It's time to open up to someone. Why not someone who really knows what you are feeling? Shall I tell you what you are feeling, or would you like to start?"

"Piss off, Talia," Miri said getting up. "I don't need this shit. I have enough to worry about without being psycho-analyzed be an alien busy-body." She made for the door.

"You are afraid," Talia said. It was a statement of fact, not a challenge, but it made Miri stop dead in her tracks. "You are not just afraid, you are petrified, beyond anything you have ever faced in your life."

"Okay," Miri said, "What am I afraid of then if you know so much?"

"I am an empath, not a telepath," Talia told her. "I know what you feel, but I can't read your mind. I could guess, but you tell me what you are afraid of."

"I'm not afraid of anything," Miri said, as if trying to convince herself.

"You know, Miri Flowers," Talia said gently and showing far more insight than Miri had expected, "when we give our hearts to someone as completely as you have, there is always the fear that that person might not be around as long as we would like. Would you like me to tell you what you are feeling?"

"Please do," Miri said, then added sarcastically, "Lord knows, you seem intent on doing so anyway."

"Okay, Miri Flowers, I can sense your sarcasm is covering a genuine confusion," Talia said. "You really don't know what you are feeling because the emotions are so objectionable to you, you have repressed them. You are terrified. I have said that already. You feel helpless. You feel guilty. These are the main things you are feeling, but I sense you have tried to bury them with anger and betrayal. The anger and betrayal are what's keeping you from resolving the others. Beneath it all, is the root cause of all these emotions, and the thing that you have lost sight of because of them--love. Your boundless love for one person is what's causing you this turmoil." Miri popped. She started talking for the first time since Valerie had negotiated her life away for her.

"I love her so much," Miri said collapsing in to a chair. "I just can't face losing her. I feel so helpless because I know I can't always be there to protect her and I just can't bear to lose her. I damn sure can't deal with her dying for me. When I thought she was surrendering to the TSN to save my life, I just couldn't deal with the guilt that caused, to know that I was the reason she was going to die. I want to protect HER. I don't want her protecting me, not with her life anyway."

"Miri Flowers, you are losing her now," Talia pointed out.

"I know," Miri said sadly. "But at least it's my choice."

At that moment Dan walked in the room. He had been passing by to get Valerie some juice when he heard that last exchange. It so filled him with anger after so recently losing his own lover that he couldn't help but speak his mind.

"That's the fucking stupidest thing I have ever heard, Miri," he said, seething. "I am dealing with the very thing you are so afraid of. I lost Brian, and let me tell you, I wouldn't have traded one moment of our time together in spite of how empty I feel now, or how much pain it has caused me. At least we made each other happy while we were both here. At least we made each other more than what we would have been if we hadn't had each other. You know what? There are hundreds of people out there that will NEVER have what you have, or what I had. I think you're a COWARD, Miri. That's right, I said you are a coward! It's perfectly natural to experience fear. It takes courage to love someone in spite of that fear.

"And another thing," Dan was in her face at this point, and as each telling blow hit squarely on the mark, she cringed away from him, "you are about the most selfish bitch I know. There's a stricken girl upstairs who’s in the shape she's in because you withheld the love and support she needed. Maybe she wouldn't have let go like she did if she knew you were there to love her through the horror she experienced. I was there, Miri, I saw what they had done to her each day they brought her back to the cell. I saw her as she died a little more each day. I saw her beautiful loving personality implode, squashed by the horror of what those animals did to her, until she was little more than a broken and bleeding shell. It could have been different, Miri. Yes, she could have had your love to cling to, to give her warmth and light in the darkness that gripped her soul as they broke her. Yeah, she would have had the scars, but at least she wouldn't have given up. But you took from her that one piece those bastards could never have taken, your love.

"Yet in the face of everything she has had thrown at her, all the loss she has had crash down on her small shoulders, you have the gall to sit here and say you are afraid. It's your fear, Miri, that has caused that beautiful, tragic girl up there to give up on life. You make me sick, Miri. You're pathetic," Dan said, winding down as a stray tear slid down his face. He spun on his heel and left the room, leaving Miri reeling from his verbal assault.

As Miri sat stunned by Dan's onslaught of recrimination, she realized the truth in what he had said. Another of her fears was brought about. She'd deprived Valerie of the one thing that could have allowed her to hang on, to have hope. She had let Valerie down because she was too afraid to deal with her own feelings.

"What have I done?" Miri asked nobody in particular as she put her face in her hands and wept.

"It's not too late," Talia said to her. "You can still redress the weakness that has betrayed you."

"How?" Miri asked disconsolately.

-=^=-
 
 

-=^=-