A somewhat mild one, to be sure, but panic nonetheless. Reality has just come crashing down around my ears, what with the name change now being in the hands of the court and everything else. I've spent the last few days, surrounded by workmen who are doing stuff around the house thats needed done forever, and either none of them have twigged to the fact that I'm not a GG, or they just don't give a damn about it. Additionally, I'm about to begin my third year post RLT and, with the exception of a couple of incidents, one minor, the other I've blogged about, much more serious, the intervening time has been a non event, actually.

Nevertheless, my mind is stuck in an ever decreasing loop and I'm edgy and worried for some reason. Am I doing the right thing? Is this REALLY what I want? Can I stop all this if I HAVE to? SHOULD I stop this? What if I do? Has this transition passed it's "sell by" date and if so, will I be hurting myself if I DO put on the brakes? Do I really WANT to be a post menopausal woman without ever having experienced all the things that lead to being in that category?

In point of fact, I AM scared... and for the life of me, I don't know why! Financially, SRS is completely out of the question for me. I will never, even with continued HRT, develop any more secondary sexual characteristics than I already have... mostly nothing substantial at all, yet I seem to "pass" with little trouble. Padding and stuffing suffice, but I always feel "fake" and uncomfortable under all the stuff required to make me even passable as having a female shape. MPB (male pattern baldness) has rendered me incapable of wearing my own hair in any sort of female style, so my head is shaved and I use wigs ALL the time, save when sleeping. Having to "make do" is frustrating, especially knowing that with the proper funding, I could have facial hair removal and replacement on my head, bust enhancement, and other non surgical help in my femme presentation.

All my health care is covered by the Veteran's Administration, but they only do, surgically, those things that THEY deem medically necessary. Implants and the like are not covered by them, nor is an orchiectomy or SRS. If I'm sick, they'll try to heal me. If I'm injured, they'll try to heal me, but none of what I truly NEED is covered by them.

I keep picturing myself in some old age home somewhere, still wearing my fake boobs and hair, trying to remember if the lipstick goes on my lips or my chin or forehead, and THAT picture frightens me more than I can tell you! Although, if I reach THAT point, I probably won't CARE what goes where.

Yes, I know that I'm not so different from so many others in the same financial quagmire of having to "make do" and I should be grateful for the level of acceptance I have received from so many. It's just... oh well. Blogging about this stuff DOES help a bit, and I know i'll probably receive words of support and encouragement from all of you, and that'll help some too, but in the end, it's just me out here, desperately trying to fully understand why I needed to do this to myself and how to live with the results which have been nothing like what I pictured or hoped for, body-wise.

I mean, I should be pleased at the amount of help and acceptance I HAVE experienced, right?... and my financial situation is my own stupid fault for not ever having developed a penchant of saving for my "golden years, right?

Someday I WILL learn that life DOES, in fact, suck... and the best one can do is try to avoid the suckiest parts of it and suffer along with the millions of others who have it as bad, if not worse, than I do.

Well, thanks for reading if in fact, you have. I feel the need to attend a pity party that I seem to be throwing for myself. Tears anyone? Join me if you want. Chastise me if you must. Don't hold back. I probably deserve it anyway.

Waiting for the court to declare me legal, I am,
Catherine Linda Michel