i experienced profound abuse from parents and peers and as a 4ft 6in 80 lb 8th grader was an easy target, not to mention my less than macho mannerisms and attitudes. i repeated the 8th grade and experienced a growth spurt in the summer between the two eighths, ending up at five six and about 115 lbs. by the time i was a sophomore i was 5'11" and a 120 lbs. i never did really fill out. at 28 i was five eleven and a half inches and 135 lbs and starting my first year of recovery from alcoholism and addiction. i always thought that the failure to reach six foot tall was one of god's little jokes. for me to continue to blame my substance abuse on my parents and the bullies in my life, at this late stage of my life would be ludicrous, but it sure had a part in my starting to use. low self esteem, and a sense of just not belonging or being a part of was the hallmark of my existence. at this date and time i have long passed the stage of victim or survival and am now an advocate for anyone who's self esteem has been sabotaged at the hands of others. i ultimately turned my life's misfortune into a thirty five year career in substance abuse treatment.
the saddest part of my life has been dealing with the high percentage of men and women, straight, lesbian, gay and transgendered who have had to deal with the absolute devastation to their spirit and self esteem at the hands of others, and most especially at the hands of the very people who should be providing their protection. having worked with and for some of the best, and worst psychiatrists in the field, i can assure people that sexually identity is rarely if ever a choice. what i do know is that physical and sexual abuse of children destroys more than the innocence of a child, and that he recovery from the post traumatic stress brought on by this most profound betrayal is a difficult life long task. the percentage of men and women i have worked with who have experienced child abuse in its many forms is astronomical. my heroes are all the decent people who teach their children to love and respect themselves and to embrace their possibilities. i am amazed at my own survival, not just my physical survival, but the survival of my soul. with my umpteenth cup of coffee, i toast the survival of all of you who have the courage to put your souls to paper, and to live your lives as you choose to live them in dignity and love. all my ancestors. redman