Hello.

I read your post and though I have minimized my presence here, I felt a need to break my own rules, and try and respond.

I would like to say, "Yes, I know," but, going by my own experiences, it is not really helpful to say that - for example, I knew that saying that to someone I knew who just lost a beloved relative wouldn't really have helped her, for such words, repeated too often, become cheap and meaningless, especially if it came from a stranger, and I have not earned the right to call myself your friend.  I have now come to know that at such moments, the correct thing to do is the girl thing - to be there, lend a comforting presence, be there with a tissue or something, and allow the other person to unburden herself.  I know I am grateful for those women in my life who have been there for me when I didn't really need them to "fix" anything (to fix things is the guy perspective), but just to be there for me, and allow me to unburden.

I have, in the past, used BCTS, and my BCTS friends, in that way.  You and I are lucky to have such a community where we can find that kind of support.

But if there is still a bit of that guy in you, that is looking for someone to fix things, well, the bitter truth is that no one can do that except you.

One time, a BCTS friend once said that he/she rarely left his/her place anymore, and usually only had the dust bunnies under his/her bed as his/her only companions.  We had ended up talking about trying to make plans for her to be more active, even to do such simple things as get up from the bed everyday, get showered and dressed, and go out. We started making a simple plan of doing basic, daily things.  It was premised on what my therapist said to me - that inaction causes one to feel depressed, and if that remains the norm for too long, it can be detrimental to the person in a very fundamental and permanent way.

Therefore, one must find ways to keep herself active, even if it is just with daily, mundane things.

Anyway, we had drawn up a basic schedule of things to do, but I don't know what became of that plan - slowly that BCTS friend and I chatted less and less.  Oh, we haven't given up being friends, but we don't chat much anymore.

I guess I pushed too hard.  I hope she's better now - at least I heard she's still around and still giving as good as she ever got here in BCTS.

Anyway, this therefore led me to the conclusion that, regardless of whatever someone does to try and "fix" things for someone, ultimately, the solution lies only with the person that has the problem.

One other time, I tried to "fix" another BCTS friend's problem (I guess the man in me hasn't been fully laid to rest, yet). This was a feisty, opinionated and irascible friend (and I mean all that in a good way :)) ) who went through a dip in her own emotions, and had to endure an operation that severely hampered her mobility besides, plus other things that I will not get into now.  I don't know how it happened but our chats ended up with me suggesting a similar thing - to make a plan of the necessary things she needs to do, and stick to the plan.  She said that she didn't really believe 90% of my crap, but she went along.  Though she didn't adopt my idea completely, she did try portions of it and I think it helped: she is now actively trying to change her condition, with a schedule of goals even, and she's trying to change her situation for the better instead of doing self-destructive and self-sabotaging thing, and not just railing against how life and people have put her down.  It remains to be seen how this will eventually turn out but we both have high hopes - there are a few mild successes now, and as my therapist said, "nothing succeeds like success."  (My friend once said to me that she was already leaning that way (i.e. the way we were planning), but she just needed a kick in the behind to get her started, which was what I did for her. Good thing she didn't kick back otherwise I'd have ended flat on my face. Figuratively speaking, that is... heehee )

But, anyway, what I am trying to say, in my usual, long-winded manner, is that it is up to you to change your circumstances.  Yes, you have physical limitations now, and, yes, your current financial situation doesn't leave you many options, but that is all beside the point - you must remain active.  Regardless.  Do the normal daily routine you used to do in the house.  Perhaps do some chores, or take a turn around the neighborhood and get some exercise.  I know that that sounds so stupidly simple, shallow, et cetera.  Well, have you done it?  Or does it have to be bowling or fishing, otherwise you won't get out of bed?

I know it sounds so heartless and so unfeeling, but the point is that it isn't the circumstances you find yourself in, for all of us, one way or another, have our crosses to bear:  the toughest part is to get the motivation to try and change things; the toughest part is to actually will yourself out of bed. What follows after that can be anything - walk the dog, do the laundry, whatever.  Someone will probably say, well that's stupid.  All I can say is that, if you have to wait until everything's perfect and ideal before you're willing to try, I think THAT is stupid.  Reasons why not to do things are just excuses for not doing them.

Trying to get the courage to do the thing that is difficult, to do the thing that you don't want to, is the key.  Whether it will eventually lead to happiness - no one can guess.  Can walking the dog lead to happiness?  Don't know.  But the fact that you have to get out of bed remains unarguable, and everything else is beside the point.  No one will give you a prize if you get out of the house and do something active, but the fact that you have to is unarguable.

If one wants assurances that what you do today will lead to better things - well, remember that really old truism from the nineties?  "If you want a guarantee, get a toaster?"  Nothing comes with guarantees except toasters.  No one is guaranteed a happy ending.  We are only guaranteed the right to pursue happiness, not achieving it.  Whether we achieve it is a different thing.  I transitioned over five years ago, and it was ony late last year that I thought that the end of my road was within sight.  But before then, I had no guarantees, and faced my day-to-day with that eternal question of whether the struggle was worth it, of whether there was a point to it.  There was none that I could see, and it was lonely and scary.  But if you don't force yourself to go on, you won't be able to move forward and hope to see the end of the journey.  I suppose one needs faith that there is a point in all of this. I have looked around and saw that there were others, in circumstances more dire than mine, who made it and achieved what I wanted to achieve. So I knew it was possible.  But in the meantime, I had to have faith.  I will not say that it was a religious thing, but the fact that others went though what I was going through and emerged on the other side... Part of what sustained me was what my therapist said: it is not a dream if it is possible, and it is therefore worth it to pursue.  I had nothing to look to, except those words of hers, and, as paltry as it was, it helped sustain me.

Others have gone through what you are going through and emerged on the other side, successful and happy.  So don't lose heart - hold on to that hope and continue to struggle.  Force yourself to get up and do the mundane, day-to-day thing, with a hope that it will turn out well.  Plan on doing things to get better: go to therapy, perhaps, look at want ads for things you might be able to do, exercise, talk to your spouse and try and reconnect (as one of the responders said). No guarantees, but there is hope.  Sometimes that hope is all we have so we mustn't let it die. Others made it. You can, too. But only if you continue on and hope.

- Bobbie

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To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot 
To see Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs  
To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c