I’m awake . . . OH NO!
Nooo, how could this have happen?
What horrors await me now?

I would like to thank my dear friends,
Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly Hart
for their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC
Chapter 12

By Penny Reed Cardon

"Oh Matilda, thank heavens, you're awake," Mom cried. She was holding me so close her tears were mixing with mine. "Oh, I love you, I love you my dear, dear daughter." She kissed my cheeks again, and again.

After hugging me for several minutes and crying with joy, Mom put me gently, back into my bed.

I continued to cry my heart out, knowing that I'd failed to save the ones I love.

"Matilda, Dear, why are you still crying?" Mom asked.

"Because this isn’t where I'm supposed be. Now Dad will hate me even more, and he’ll hit you again. Everyone’s problems would be gone, if I was gone." It was hard for me to speak; each word was intermixed with my crying.

Mom sat on my bed and held me tight, softly stroking my hair. I’d almost stopped crying before I could hear her soft voice speaking, "Hush dear, it's all right. Nobody is mad at you, and nobody's going to hit anyone. Right now, your Father has bigger problems to worry about than what clothes you're wearing."

"Yeah, your Dad's biggest problem is going to be his new bunkmate, Big John," I heard a voice from somewhere close by, which seemed to be laughing and moaning at the same time.

Still sniffling, I asked, "Is that Mary Beth?"

"Yes, Dear, she's in the next bed," Mom answered gently.

I opened my eyes for the first time since waking up, and looked around. "Mom, where are we?"

"This is Primary Children's Hospital. It's where the paramedics brought you after ... After Rachael and I found you this morning," Mom said, as she fought back more tears, I wasn’t so successful.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I cried, hugging Mom tightly.

“Well you should be! Do you have any idea what we’ve been through today? You don't know the pain I went through this morning when Rachael and I found you lying on your bed, your life slowly slipping away. Then as I read the note you left ... it tore my heart out. I didn't know if you were going to live or die. I had no idea what had been happening to you at school. At first, I wanted to tear apart the animals that would do such a thing to my precious child. Then I wanted to join you in death, because I'd, ... I'd failed, failed you as your mother.

"Then imagine how I felt, calling Jill and Ellen, telling them what you’d done? I can’t even begin to count the number of people who would be deeply saddened by your death. Just the idea that you would do something like that to yourself, it’s so … so horrible, and so selfish.” She went on and listed them, one by one.

I hadn’t realized how many people care about me. How could I have been so wrong in my thinking? I don’t know how long I cried while hugging Mom.

After I stopped crying, again, I turned to see Mary Beth in the other bed and sadly asked, "Well, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just had a little accident. I ran into Black Bart's fist, repeatedly," giggled Mary Beth, then she winced in pain. "I've got a bunch of cracked ribs and a lot of bruises, but I'm OK. The worst part is the tape from my armpits to my belly button. It's starting to itch, and is going to drive me crazy."

"Yes, well, we'll take care of Bart terrorizing the school when the time is right," said Ellen, from behind Mom. "As for the itching, young lady, that will pass."

"Oh ... Hello Ellen, I didn't know you were here too," I said softly.

"Don't make it sound like a bad thing Matilda," retorted Ellen. "Most people would consider having friends that care enough about you to drop what they’re doing to come to your aid to be a good thing. I'm sure that Beca and Liz, not to mention Charles, Karen and Rachael will all be delighted to know that you're awake."

"They’re all here?" I asked sadly.

“Of course they’re here! They’re here because they care about you. At the moment, they're all downstairs in the cafeteria," Mom replied.

After I thought about what Mom had told me a few moments I asked, "Wait a minute, Mom, how long has Rachael been here?"

"She's been here most of the afternoon and evening, why?"

"That explains my nightmare," I explained, "I remember hearing a little voice. I thought I'd died ... Only I didn't get to go to heaven. I was cursed to live my life over, and over. Only it wasn't my life, I was Jane and my brother was Michael."

"Mary Poppins," Mom and Ellen said together.

"That was it," I agreed. "Only now I know that it was Rachael's voice, narrating the same day from Mary Poppins over, and over, and over. I may have to tear those pages from the book."

Everyone in the room chuckled about that, except me.

"Mom, what did Mary Beth mean? She said something about Dad and someone named Big John.”

"Matilda," Mom said softly, "After the ambulance left this morning to bring you here, I called Ellen. I needed to find a way, legally find a way to prevent David from ever hurting you ever again. After Ellen learned about everything your father had done to you, she called some people that she knows." Mom's voice was even quieter than before, "Matilda, your father was arrested this afternoon. With all the evidence against him, it's likely that he will be spending a long time at the state prison."

"Oh Mom, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault," I said, as I hung my head in shame, crying once again.

“No Matilda, it wasn’t your fault,” Mom reassured me, once again sitting on my bed and holding me close. “Your father didn’t have to react the way he did. He made his own decisions, and now he’s paying the consequences for those decisions. The only thing you’re responsible for is trying to be the person that you know you should be. … Of course, there is the little matter of some sleeping pills that I’m not very happy about.”

“Sorry Mom, I just thought that things would be better for everyone else if I wasn’t around.”

“Well,” Mom continued, “Before you start thinking that things would be better if you weren’t around, I think you should spend some time thinking about how many people love you, and how many lives you’ve touched during your life. Then try to think of those who you could help in the future. One caring person, during their life touches the lives of thousands of others.”

The room was quiet once again, except for my crying. ‘What’s in this stuff they’re pumping into me? I’ve been crying so much I wouldn’t think I’d have any tears left, but they just keep coming. Oh, I had no idea that my single life was so important, what is so special about me?’

“Well that’s the first time I can honestly say that your thinking was flawed,” Ellen finally broke the silence. “Edith, could I persuade you to take Mary Beth for a little walk? I think it’s time for her exercise, and I’d like to talk with Matilda alone for a couple of minutes.”

“Um sure, I guess so,” Mom answered, wondering what was going on. “Come on, Mary Beth. Let’s see if we can find that cafeteria.”

After they left, with Mom trying to hold the back of Mary Beth’s hospital gown closed, Ellen sat in the chair, next to my bed. “Matilda, I'll get right to the point. Do you remember the tests you took while you were at the Manor?”

“Yes, you said that no one had ever finished them.”

“That’s right; you must have read and answered each question very quickly. Knowing those questions the way I do, and the speed with which you must have answered them tells me how very sure of yourself you were at that time. Are you still that sure of yourself?”

“Honestly Ellen, right now I’m not sure of anything.”

“I understand. Be that as it may, do you remember what I said about you taking the tests?”

“Um, you said that you didn’t think it was necessary, but it was a formality. I guess that meant that you knew about how I would do on the test, right?”

“That’s pretty close, Matilda. It also means that I was sure the review board would approve of offering you a position at the school.”

“Do you mean that I can go back to the Manor as a full time student?”

“Yes, Matilda, that’s what it means, if you still want to go?”

“If I still want to go? Now that’s a silly question! I was only there for a few days, but for those few days I felt like the Manor was my home. Of course I want to go.”

“Matilda, there a few things I need to tell you before you make your final decision. First, you know that the students live at the school?”

“Yes, Beca and Lizy told us when we were on tour that first day. They said that only the students that are from around here get to leave, and that was very seldom.”

“Matilda, that’s what we tell guests. The truth is that the only time you will leave the school grounds is when the whole school goes somewhere. Remember, the existence of the school is a secret. If someone saw you and recognized you, they would know something strange was going on.”

“But, Beca and Lizy were helping at Mary Beth’s birthday party?” I questioned.

“That's true Matilda. First, understand, that was an unusual circumstance. They weren't there to help with the party; they were only there to help you. Second, neither of them are from around here, so there was no risk of them being recognized. Do you understand?”

“I think so; it means that I will not see Karen, Chuck or Rachael again, or any of my friends, not that I have that many friends,” I said a little sadly.

“Well Matilda. Now that you know the facts, the decision is yours. Do you still want to be a full-time student at the Manor?”

“Well, ... after thinking about this for almost an eternity, zero point six two seconds as Data would put it, yes, absolutely, yes. The person I’m going to miss the most is Rachael, because we’ve become so close over the last six months. Of course, I’ll miss Molly, Julie and the others, but I’ll make new friends. There are about one hundred and forty students that I don’t know yet.”

“Very well, Matilda, I’ll make the arrangements."

"Um, Ellen, … You've already made the arrangements, ... haven't you!" I grinned.

"Why, Matilda, what do you mean?"

"Those two weeks that I was at the Manor, the clothes fit me, the shoes fit me. You knew that I would one day be a full-time student. That's the only reason you would have spent so much time and money teaching me to be a girl. That's also why you arranged for my room to be in the dormitory, instead of one of the guest rooms in the administration building that Miss Adams mentioned."

"Well, it seems that Beca's right about you. You do know how to solve a mystery, even if you don't have all the facts. Yes, I knew that you would say yes. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. There’s something else I need to tell you … we’ve selected a study partner for you. I can’t tell you who it is, but I think you will be happy ...”

“It’s Mary Beth, isn’t it?”

“All right Miss Holmes! Just how did you figure ‘that’ one out?”

“Well, First, Mary Beth has some cracked ribs and a black eye and some bruises. They don’t normally put you in the hospital for injuries that are so minor.

"Secondly, I know that she's taken both tests. Knowing her as I do, I know how she would have answered those questions. She took longer, and she didn't finish them, but she pretty much answered them the same as me with a few exceptions.

"Third, she is much more bubbly and giggly than she has been in weeks, which means that she has something exciting that she wants to tell me. My guess is that you've already talked to both her and her parents, and they've agreed to let her attend.

"Fourth, you arranged for me to be in this room. I know from what Beca's told me, that you consider me one of your students. The only way someone else would be put in this room is if they were also one of your students.”

“Logical, flawlessly logical,” Ellen said, while keeping a straight face and trying to raise a single eyebrow.

I looked directly at Ellen and started giggling.

“Well if you can quote Data then I can quote Mr. Spock.” We both giggled at Ellen’s comeback.

"Ellen, how many trekkies are there at the Manor?"

"Honestly Matilda, I've lost count." We both giggled again.

“Matilda, there is something I'd like you to do for me. I need you to keep this a secret. Mary Beth doesn’t know that you are going to the Manor. In fact, Mary Beth doesn’t know the school’s name, or where it’s located. I know it will be difficult for you, but please do this for me.”

“I thought that there were to be no secrets between study partners. At least that’s what Lizy said.”

“Well that’s true, but being that neither of you are officially students yet, we’ll let it go this time.”

“Can you tell me why you want me to keep it a secret from Mary Beth?”

“I’m planning a little surprise for her. You of course, are part of that surprise.”

“Okay, you can count on me. It's going to be hard to keep that kind of information from her, and I don't like the idea of lying, especially to my friend."

"Matilda, I 'm not asking you to lie to her, just keep her in the dark a little, by not telling her everything that you know. If Mary Beth asks you specific questions and you would have to lie to her, to keep her in the dark, I expect you to tell her the truth. Do you understand?"

"I think so; it's still going to be hard because she'll probably know I'm hiding something from her."

"Well, all I can ask is that you do your best. If you have to tell her, then you have to tell her. If you can keep it a secret for a few days you both will enjoy the surprise."

"Oh Ellen, ... may I ask a favor?”

"Certainly Matilda, you may ask me anything you'd like, and if it's something I can do, then it will be done."

"Well, um, it's kind of personal. I guess I could wait ... but well ... I kind of got used to it. It's just that it's uncomfortable when I'm not ... um well ... you know." I'm sure I was blushing while I was stepping all over my tongue.

"Matilda, what on earth are you talking about?"

"Well, ... I need some underwear," I said quickly, so I could get it out. I'm sure I was red as a beet.

"Oh, I see," said Ellen. "From the way you were stammering, I'll guess what you want is not just for decoration, but for holding things in place?"

I shyly nodded.

"Relax Matilda; I know exactly what you mean."

From my shocked expression and the fact that my eyes were probably as large as silver dollars, Ellen figured she had some explaining to do. "From the look on your face I think you've jumped to a conclusion that's not correct. First, I'm not transsexual. I was born female and I plan to remain that way. Second, I understand what you were saying, because any time I leave my apartment without my support garments, I feel positively naked. I'll see if I can't arrange for something to be delivered tonight." Ellen grinned while patting my hand.

Just then, Mom and Mary Beth came back. “Well, have you two solved all the mysteries of the universe yet?” Mom asked jokingly.

“No, not all of them, we left a few for NASA and the guys at MIT,” I said.

“Oh Matilda, sometimes you’re just so silly,” Mary Beth giggled, struggling to get back into her bed while trying to maintain her dignity.

"I know, that's why you love me the way you do," I giggled.

Just then, the rest of the herd showed up.

"Hey there, Munchkin! I see you've decided to rejoin the land of the living," Beca exclaimed, as she came over and gave me a hug.

"Munchkin? Where did Munchkin come from?" asked Karen.

"Well, it all started …" Beca started to say.

"Hold it, Beca," I interrupted. "There are too many people in this room to start telling that story."

"What does the number of people have to do with it?" asked Karen.

"Well, for one, the story gets longer every time it's told. Second, the nurses wouldn't like this many people laughing, dancing around and singing ‘Were Off to See the Wizard.’ It would disturb the other patients," I explained. "You come up tomorrow after school. Mary Beth and I would be happy to tell you the long story of the Munchkin and the Princess."

"Oh Matilda, you're spoiling all my fun," Beca complained.

"Beca, Matilda's right," Mom said. "Remember how we were all laughing about it at Mary Beth's birthday party?"

"Of course I remember, it was lots of fun for everyone, wasn't it?" Beca asked.

"Don't worry about her, Matilda," Lizy added, as she gave me a hug. "When she's away from school, Beca turns into such a party animal."

"I do not!" Beca quickly countered.

"Oh yes you do. Remember our last field trip?" Lizy teased her.

"But that wasn't my ..."

"Girls," said Ellen sharply, "This isn't the time. Besides, I have a favor to ask of the two of you." Ellen whispered something into Beca's ear, and then both Beca and Lizy left, promising to return.

In the meantime, Rachael had worked her way over to my bedside.

"Hey Matilda," she asked softly. "Why did you do it?"

"Do what sis?"

"You know, … Try to go to sleep and not wake up," she said sadly.

"Well, little sister, that's kind of complicated," I said sadly. Suddenly the room was quiet, all the little side conversations stopped. Gee whiz, talk about being in the spotlight. "Well, Rachael, you know how mad Dad was about me trying to be, who I need to be. All he could see was what he wanted me to be? Also, remember what he did to me when he was mad?"

"Yes," Rachael soberly whispered, remembering the horrific events.

"You know how mad Dad was, when Mom tried to help me? And how he hit her when he was mad at me?"

Rachael sadly nodded, "I remember."

"Well I thought that there would come a time, when Dad would get mad at you, and Karen, and maybe even Mary Beth, because you've all helped me. I didn't want him to hit you or Mom, or anyone else because of me.

"After doing a lot of thinking, I thought that ... Well ... If I was gone then Dad wouldn't be mad at anyone, and he wouldn't try hurting anyone anymore. I guess, in a way, I did it to try to protect you … Mommy … Karen ... and Mary Beth. I know now that my thinking was wrong. I'm sorry that I've caused everyone so much pain."

"Well, some good has come out of this little episode," Ellen said.

"What's that?" asked Mom, wiping her eyes.

"The Munchkin has started the process of growing up. She's learning to think about the needs of others, and putting their needs before her own. Her conclusion was all wrong, but there was some logic in her thinking."

Just then, a very young nurse came in. Her nametag said Marie. I found out she was there to check my vital signs. She seemed surprised, although pleased, that I was awake. I guess everyone was so excited that nobody had remembered to tell the hospital staff. She chased everyone out of the room and closed the door so she could do her work. Mom, of course, refused to leave.

"Um, excuse me, Ma'am, but I need to take her vital signs and I need to change her um, ah …" Marie was stuttering for some reason.

"Her um, what?" asked Mom.

"Well, ma'am, I um, need to change her diaper," said Marie. She seemed to be blushing slightly.

"Diaper," I exclaimed, as I lifted the blankets. "I thought something felt a little strange down there, but with all the excitement, I hadn't paid much attention to it."

Mary Beth was giggling, almost to the point of open laughter.

"Watch it Mary Beth, I've got connections. I can arrange for you to wear one as well," I said in my best threatening voice. Yeah, right, a threatening voice from a ten year old.

"Marie," Mom asked, "Have you changed Matilda before?"

"Well um, no Ma'am, I just came on duty. Actually, this is my first day working this floor. I've never even seen Matilda before."

"I see," Mom nodded, acknowledging Marie's reply, "First of all, I'm Matilda's mother, so I'm not leaving. You may address me as Edith or Mrs. Covington. Secondly, I think the other nurses are playing a little joke on you."

Mom’s suspicion was confirmed as I saw several nurses peeking through the partly opened door that Marie had closed. Mom and Marie weren’t facing the door so I don’t know if they noticed them.

"You see Matilda isn't your average girl. She has a little birth defect, which may surprise you as you change her diaper. Third, as Matilda is now awake and is quite capable of using a toilet, I don't think a new diaper will be needed."

"Mom, do you think you could do it instead?" I asked.

"Nonsense Matilda, I’m sure that Marie is quite capable of removing a diaper."

"But Mom, pleeease," I pleaded.

I heard some giggling from Mary Beth. Then I glanced towards the door and saw that Charles had joined the small group of silent nurses. I’d thought that being naked from the waist down in front of Miss Adams was embarrassing. That was nothing compared to the fate that awaited me now. Everyone is going to see what I've tried to keep hidden, and why.

"Now Matilda don't act like a child," Mom scolded, "If you’re embarrassed, just close your eyes. Mary Beth, being that this room isn't intended for two, there isn't a privacy curtain. Would you roll over and face the wall please."

"But, Mrs. C …" Mary Beth moaned.

"Mary Beth, roll over," Mom instructed.

"Oh that's not fair!" Mary Beth grumbled. I heard rustling from her bed so I knew that she was following Mom's instructions. At least I won't have to be embarrassed every time Mary Beth looks at me. I’ll have to remember to thank Mom later.

"Marie, you may proceed."

I reached above my head and grabbed my pillow, I pulled it out from under my head and used it to cover my face.

"Yes Ma'am, I mean Mrs. Covington. You're right about not needing to continue diapering her. I'll just remove this one," Marie said.

"Mom, pleeease," I begged once more, from beneath the pillow.

Marie pulled down my blankets and lifted up my hospital gown revealing what I assumed to be a standard white disposable diaper. Then I heard the unmistakable sound of the tapes being pulled, releasing the diaper. I felt a sudden draft, where I'd previously been warm.

"Mrs. Covington, you did say that Matilda's a girl?" Marie asked.

"Yes I did Marie.”

"But she has a fully developed, well I guess not fully developed, but, she has a ..."

"Birth defect," Mom added quickly.

"But, it's a ..."

"Marie, it's just a birth defect," Mom said calmly as she lowered my hospital gown, once again covering my embarrassment.

That’s when it started, the oohs, the aahs, and the giggles. Can someone die from embarrassment? My body started shaking noticeably revealing the fact to all that I was sobbing under my pillow.

"What on earth are you doing in here?' Mom exclaimed. "OUT! All of you!" I heard the rushing of feet, snickers, whispers and then I heard the door closed. As all of this was happening, someone pulled my blankets back up and tucked them in around me.

Sobbing, I rolled over, away from Mom, away from Mary Beth, away from everyone.

I don't know how long I cried before someone lifted the pillow off my head. I opened my eyes to see the caring face of my Mother.

"You didn't have to do that," I cried.

"Do what dear?," Mom said softly.

"You could have closed the door," I said.

"Matilda, I didn't know those people there. Marie sent everyone out and closed the door. Neither of us heard them come in. You know that I would never do anything to hurt you."

"You could have taken the diaper off. You didn't have to let Marie look at me."

"Dear, I talked to her while you were crying. She's very understanding, and is sorry about what happened. She also happens to be one of Ellen's friends."

"Really?"

"Yes, Dear. She was a little surprised. She has known Ellen for several years, as well as the interesting people she works with and helps. Marie has just never been so ... personally involved before."

"Well, what about the other nurses, and Chuck?"

"Matilda, I really, didn't know they were there. They came in so quietly neither Marie nor I heard them. It wasn’t until I heard one of them giggle that I realized they were there. I'm really very sorry about that."

"Oh Mom, ... I'm sorry, I thought you knew, and I was being ..." I cried, as I sat up and threw my arms around my Mother. I should have known better, Mom would never humiliate me like that. She may tease me from time to time but wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. We stayed that way for, I don't know how long. Someone knocking on the door interrupted us. It was Marie.

"I'm sorry, but I forgot to take her vital signs when I was in before," she explained. She quickly took my temperature, pulse and blood pressure, then left.

Mom and I hugged each other for a while. "I know it's a silly thing to say, considering you've been sleeping all day, but, you need to get some rest,” Mom giggled. “I'll come and see you tomorrow dear."

Just them Marie and another nurse came in. Marie looked pale and it looked like she was on the verge of tears. “Matilda, Mrs. Covington, my name is Regina, and I’m in charge of the nurses on this floor. I want to apologize for their behavior earlier. I just heard what went on earlier. What they did was unkind, cruel and unprofessional. I can promise you that those involved will be severely reprimanded. This kind of behavior isn't tolerated here and I can promise you that it won’t happen again.”

“Thank you Regina,” Mom replied, “Please don't take this out on Marie. I know it wasn’t her fault; she was as much a victim as Matilda. Neither Marie or I heard the others sneak in.”

“You’re very understanding Mrs. Covington. I’m not so sure that I would be, were I in your place.”

“Thank you Regina, Marie, we accept your apology. It’s late and Matilda has been through a lot. Goodnight.” Mom added, almost as if giving a command. With that, they both left.

"I need to be going as well. Goodnight Matilda,” Mom said with a hug.

“Goodnight Mom," I said, as she left.

Finally Mary Beth and I were alone.

"Oh Matilda guess what? This is so exciting; you're never going to guess."

"I don't know Mary Beth; so many exciting things have happened today, I just don't know which exciting thing you're talking about."

"Well, you remember me telling you about some strange tests that I took? I took one before school started, and then another one about three weeks ago."

Of course, I knew about the tests. I just couldn't let her know that I knew, "Yes, I remember you said something about them, so what?"

"Well, Ellen says that they were to see if I would benefit from a different style of teaching. Ellen works for a private school some place north of here."

"A school? What kind of school?"

"Well, I don't know exactly. I just know that Ellen said I was just the person they were looking for. She talked to my parents today, and they said I could go. So I guess after we get out of here I'll be going ... with Ellen." Suddenly Mary Beth was sad.

"What's the matter Mary Beth?"

"I just realized, when we leave here I won't be able to see you again. At least not until I graduate, that will be eight years."

"Well, don't be sad right now, Mary Beth. We've got three days to spend together; we should make the most of them."

"Well ... I guess you're right, OK, no more being sad. Besides, I asked Ellen if you could go to that school too. She said she’d see what she could do. Wait a second, how do you know Ellen? You seem to know her pretty well."

"Well, yes I do know Ellen. Jill Morgan, my psychiatrist, recommended that Mom contact her. Ellen's the one who arranged for me to meet with lots of different people. They were the ones that taught me how to act like a girl." ‘Boy, that was close, many more questions like that and I'm going to have to write down what I tell her so I don't mix things up. Of course, everything I said was true, maybe I can pull this off after all.’

"Oh … Well, I still asked her to if you could go to the school."

"I guess we'll just have to wait and hope for the best."

About fifteen minutes later, there was a knocked on the door. It was Beca and Lizy. "Hi Beca, hi Lizy," Mary Beth greeted them. "What are you doing back here?"

"Just a small delivery so Matilda can retain a little dignity," replied Beca.

"You're too late, Beca," snickered Mary Beth. "I don't think Matilda has any dignity left.

"That's enough, Mary Beth," I said.

"What happened?" asked Beca.

Mary Beth started talking fast, trying to get it all out as fast as she could, "Well, while Matilda was unconscious, the hospital put a diaper on her, and . . ."

"Mary Beth!"

Beca came over next to my bed and whispered, "They took it off while everyone was watching, was that it?"

Shyly I nodded, "Well, some nurses and Chuck."

"Oh Matilda," Beca said as she leaned down and hugged me. "I'm so sorry; I know how much that hurt you. I've brought the underwear that Ellen promised. Should I just leave them with you, or what?"

"Beca," I whispered, "Would you put a pair on me, please?"

"Matilda, are you sure?"

"Yes, Beca, I'm sure," I said in a voice that was barely audible. "After everything I've been through, humiliation and I go hand in hand. Besides, I'm just a little handicapped right now," I said, as I held up my arms, displaying the IVs and wires.

"That you are, little sister," Beca replied with a little giggle.

"Matilda, I have to ask you a question," Beca said as she leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Would you like one pair, or two?"

I knew what her real question was. Did I want to be tucked? Two pairs meant yes, one pair meant no.

"Beca, you know that you're the only person that I trust enough to ask this of," I said softly, "I'd like two pairs, please, if you don’t mind. But would you close the door? And could Lizy take Mary Beth for a walk?"

"I understand Matilda," said Beca.

Beca did as requested. She closed the door after Lizy and Mary Beth went out. The package she'd brought contained six pairs of panties, three colored and three white. She'd placed a white pair inside the pink pair before she removed my blankets. Beca is so kind and understanding, she managed to get the panties almost to my waist before she lifted my hospital gown. Working delicately, and as discreetly as possible, Beca quickly had everything in place, before she finished pulling up the panties, snuggly.

As Beca was pulling up my blankets, I meekly smiled and said, with a tear in my eye, "Thank you, Beca."

Beca took a tissue, dried my eyes, kissed my forehead, and said, "Happy to be of service, little sister."

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," I called out.

In walked a man in a white lab coat whose nametag said only "Peter." Lizy and Mary Beth came back in as well.

"Hello Matilda, we've met before but I'm sure that you don't remember. I'm Doctor Peter Harris. I was on duty in the ER when you were brought in this morning. Can I assume that this is the first time you've tried to commit suicide?"

"And the last! I've learned since I woke up how selfish and stupid I was," I replied.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. I just need to check you over to see how you’re doing.”

"Well, I'll say goodbye now, Matilda.” Beca smiled as she gave my hand a little squeeze. "You take care of yourself, Munchkin," Lizy added as she opened the door.

"I will Lizy, and Beca, thank you, for everything."

Beca smiled at me, blew me a kiss, and was gone.

Dr Harris checked my eyes, my heart, my lungs, then he said that he needed to look at my abdomen and that I should relax. Once again, down go the blankets and up goes the gown, at least my little embarrassment is covered.

"Oh, pink" Dr. Harris said, as he was pressing on different parts of my abdomen, "My favorite color."

"Um, mine too," I confessed, shyly.

"If I'm not mistaken," Dr. Harris added, "didn't you have a …"

"It's still there, just hiding," I said quickly.

"Well at least now you look more like a Matilda," he said as he pulled my gown down and blankets up.

“You’re not surprised?”

“No,” Dr. Harris replied. “I’ve been privileged to take care of some of Ellen’s friends before. So Matilda, now that I’ve checked you over, tell me, how do you feel?”

“Well my throat hurts a little, and I’m a little hungry.”

“Well, as for the throat hurting that’s to be expected,” replied Dr. Harris. “There was a rather large tube in there for a while this morning. The discomfort should be gone by tomorrow morning. As for being hungry, I’ll see what I can do young lady.”

“Thank you doctor,” I said, as Dr. Harris left.

A few minutes later Marie came in.

“Matilda, Dr. Harris said you were hungry, also that your throat hurt. I’m afraid that the kitchen is closed down for the night. The only thing that we have here is some ice cream. I hope that will be all right?”

“Thank you Marie, that'll be fine.”

“The doctor also said that we should remove the IVs and the sensors. He said you could go home tomorrow except that hospital policy says that we have to keep an eye on you for three days, because of what you tried to do.”

With that, Marie carefully removed the two IVs as well as the wires on my chest and the clip on my finger. I was almost free.

After eating my ice cream and talking with Mary Beth for a little while, I decided to spend some time with Mother Nature. I was so glad to be able to use the toilet. I don’t ever want to see a diaper again; well at least I don't ever want to be on the business end of one.

Well it’s almost 10:30, and the hospital is quiet. The door is propped open so the nurses can keep an eye on me. I think Mary Beth went to sleep about twenty minutes ago. I’d start re-evaluating my situation, but it’s changed so much I'm not quite sure where to start. Soon Mary Beth and I will be going to the Manor. … What a change that’s going to be. I think it will be hardest on Mary Beth, I don’t know exactly how close she is to her family, but I know that she loves them all. As for me, well yes, I’ll miss Karen and Chuck; mostly I’m going to miss Rachael. I couldn’t have asked for a better, kinder, more understanding little sister. I’m going to miss her so much. I wonder how much I'll be able to see of Mom while she is working at the Manor.

Wait a second, what’s that? Someone is crying. It sounds like it’s …

“Mary Beth,” I asked very softly, “Are you awake?” The crying stopped, but there was some sniffling. I quietly crawled out of my bed and stood next to Mary Beth’s. She was on her side, facing away from me, but I could see her body quiver slightly. I gently put my hand on her shoulder.

“Mary Beth, what’s the matter?”

“This is the first time I’ve ever been away from my Mom and Dad,” she cried softly.

I climbed onto Mary Beth’s bed. Lying on my side next to her, I put an arm around her waist. I whispered, “It’s all right Mary Beth. This is the first time I’ve been away from home as well. For the next few days, I guess we'll just have to rely on each other.”

“Well, at least we have each other,” said Mary Beth still crying. "But what will I do when you go home and I go to school?"

"Well Mary Beth," I so wanted to tell her that we'd still be together. "We don't have to cross that bridge until Thursday. I suggest that we don't worry about it until then. Goodnight Mary Beth."

"Goodnight Matilda."

The first time the nurses came in to check on me they were surprised to find me in bed with Mary Beth. I quietly explained to them that she was upset, this being her first time away from home, which they understood. I intended to return to my bed after I was sure that my moving wouldn’t wake Mary Beth. It took her about half an hour to stop crying and fall asleep. When I awoke the next morning, my arm was still around my dear friend, someone had covered me with a blanket.

I quietly slipped out of bed to go to the bathroom. Mary Beth was awake, and out of bed when I returned. "Matilda," she asked a little gruffly, "where were you?"

"Well being that I just came out of the bathroom, I'll assume that's not really the question you wanted to ask."

"It's just that when I fell asleep with your arm around me I expected to wake up with your arm around me."

I went over to give her a hug, but she turned away, pouting.

"I'm sorry! I thought that waking up without me would be better than waking up in a wet bed. Forgive me?"

Mary Beth turned back to face me, she still had her pouting face on, I almost giggled. "I don't know. How do I know that you haven't been up for hours, flirting with the other girl's?"

"Oh, come on now, you don't really think I'd be off flirting, ... well, do you?"

"Well, I don't know. You've been making some pretty poor decisions lately."

"I tell you what, tonight we'll sleep in my bed and you can keep your arm around me, okay?"

"Deal," she said with a smile, as she quickly threw her arms around me.

"Just remember, if you don't let me go to the bathroom when I need to, we could both be wearing diapers," I added jokingly.

"Well at least I wouldn't have to worry about having my diaper changed by a man," teased Mary Beth.

Just then, a young man wearing green scrubs came into our room.

"Good morning girls, I'm Steve; I'm your day nurse. Which one of you is Matilda?"

* * * To Be Continued * * *

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