Seinfeld, an American television sitcom, ran from 1989 to 1998. The show was about nothing.

In this Seinfeld episode, Kramer becomes a talent agent. He introduces Jerry, George and Elaine to Jilian, a beautiful, amazing illusionist.

Jerry, George, and Elaine were sitting at a table in a coffee shop in Manhattan.

"So, what's bothering you this morning? Elaine asked. "You've got that hangdog look."

“You getting tired of your latest girlfriend?” George asked.

“You mean Darlene?” Jerry asked.

“Yeah.”

“No, that’s not what’s bothering me. We’re getting along fine,” Jerry said. “Why, have you heard she wants to split up?” Jerry asked with a smidgen of angst in his voice. Or was that anticipation?

“Not a thing. It’s just that it’s been about 10 days since you met her,” George said.

“Your girlfriends are like yogurt,” Elaine said. “They come with an expiry date.”

“Oh come on, that’s not true,” Jerry said. “Darlene is fine. That’s not what’s bothering me.”

“Then what is?” George asked.

“It was the place I worked last night . . . and the club I appeared at the past weekend.”

“What about them?” Elaine asked.

“They were real dives. The audiences were terrible. And my routines just don’t work very well in noisy places where the audience is playing pool or listening to music on a juke box.”

“No wonder. You can’t expect to get laughs under those conditions,” Elaine said sympathetically.

“I bombed. It was so depressing.”

“So what,” George said. “You know the old cliché. When you fall off a horse, the best thing is to get right back on it. Don’t let your fears magnify. Get right back on that horse. You’ll get ‘em the next time.”

“I don’t think self-doubt is the problem.”

“Then what is?” Elaine asked.

“I need a change. My agent keeps putting me into these venues where I really can’t work.”

“But you’ve worked in these places before,” Elaine said.

At that moment, a tall man, wearing a beige jacket, rushed into the cafe like a bat out of hell. He spotted Jerry, George and Elaine and bounded over to their table.

“Hey, everyone!”

“Hi, Kramer,” Jerry said with some enthusiasm, thankful for the interruption and glad not to be getting into further discussion of his troubles.

George and Elaine said their greetings to Kramer.

Kramer reversed the wooden chair, and sat down at the table.

Sensing that Kramer had that excited ‘volcano about to erupt’ look, Jerry said, “Do I have to ask?”

“Show business!” Kramer said enthusiastically. “I saw a magic act last night at Murphy’s that was just terrific. There was a young illusionist who was just out of this world. You have to see her perform!”

“Who is she?” Elaine asked.

“Her name is Jilian. She’s unbelievable! Jilian can do some magical levitation tricks. Stuff you’ve never seen before. Absolutely amazing! And she’s really new to the entertainment scene. Jilian’s still just a student, but I got to talking to her after her scintillating performance, and you know what?”

“What?” all three friends said as one.

“You are looking at the next big show biz impresario of New York. You are looking at Jilian’s new agent.”

“Congratulations, Kramer!” Elaine said enthusiastically.

George and Jerry smiled and nodded in dumbfounded agreement.

“I tell you, Jilian’s going to be big! She performs illusions you have to see to believe! Why she had this big fat guy, the size of a hippo, come up on stage and she made him disappear right before your eyes. It was amazing! I don’t know how she did it.”

“Well Kramer,” Elaine began, “if you are now a theatrical agent, maybe you can help Jerry out.”

Jerry shot Elaine a withering look.

“What can I do for you, Jerry?”

Reluctantly Jerry explained, “I am not happy with some of the clubs I’ve been working. They’re just not right for me.”

“I know. You need a place with some class. A place where the people come to see a comedy show. A place where the audience is there to listen and to be entertained. Am I right?”

“That’s it exactly,” Jerry said with a look of amazement.

“The problem with some of the places you are working is that they are multi-function venues. One night they’re a karaoke bar, the next they’re a cabaret club, then they’re a dance club, and so they’re dysfunctional comedy clubs because they have a schizophrenic personality.” Kramer gestured wildly with his hands.

“That’s it exactly,” Jerry agreed, quite stupefied by the accuracy of Kramer’s assessment.

“I’ll tell you what, Jerry. I’ll book you into some of New York’s finest comedy clubs. The kind of venues where the audiences come to see comedy shows.”

Jerry paused before answering, thinking of all the schemes Kramer had tried in the past that didn’t work. “I don’t know Kramer, I’ve been with my current agent for the past five years.”

“Does he have an exclusive agreement with you?”

“We have a legal contract, but it’s not an exclusive agreement.”

“Then, I’ll tell you what. I’ll get you into a comedy club you haven’t worked before. Just give me a list of open dates and I’ll find a venue to book you into. Any club where your current agent has booked you in the past is his territory. Any new place I get you is my territory . . . Do we have a deal?”

Kramer held out his hand.

Jerry hesitated for a moment. “The standard ten percent?”

“You bet.”

“That sounds good.”

Jerry and Kramer shook hands.

Jerry thought to himself, ‘Am I nuts? What did I just agree to? On the other hand, this is just another of Kramer’s crazy scams–a passing fancy. By next week, Kramer will hit upon some other new money making scheme. This too shall pass.’

The next evening Kramer dropped by Jerry’s place.

Without knocking on the door, Kramer rambunctiously slid across the floor into the apartment.

“Hey Jerry, it’s good that I caught you at home.”

“Hi Kramer,” Jerry said as he poured himself a cup of coffee on the kitchen counter.
Accustomed to his neighbor’s frequent impromptu visits, Jerry asked, “Can I pour you a coffee? It’s fresh instant.”

“No thanks, Jerry.” There was a wild look in Kramer’s eyes. “Can I use your apartment for a little while? My apartment’s being steam cleaned. The carpet is still damp. And I’m meeting with my new client.”

Jerry paused for a moment. “Who’s your new client?”

“Jilian, the illusionist I was telling you about yesterday.”

“Oh right, the one you were raving about.”

“So how about it?”

“Sure.”

“Good, because I already gave Jilian your apartment number.”

“Well, George is coming over later. But we won’t be hanging here too long. We’re going to see a movie with Elaine and Darlene. You want to come along too, Kramer?”

“Thanks for the invitation, Jerry. But this evening I’m going to be out scouting for new talent to add to my stable of clients.”

“You’re really gung-ho on this, aren’t you?”

“I think I may have finally found my calling. Show business is so exciting. I love the entertainment world. Scouting out new talent, checking out venues for my clients, negotiating deals. I should have thought of this a long time ago. It’s all very exciting,” Kramer said enthusiastically, his eyes widening.

There was a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it,” Kramer insisted. “That must be Jilian.”

When Kramer threw open the door, a beautiful blonde goddess, dressed in a low-cut multi-colored sundress, stood at the threshold.

“Jilian, come on in!”

Kramer and Jilian exchanged show biz kisses on both cheeks.

“Jerry, my good friend, this is Jilian.”

“Welcome, Jilian.”

Jilian sauntered up to Jerry. She hugged him and kissed Jerry on both cheeks. “A pleasure to meet you, Jerry.”

Jerry sensed the hint of Chanel perfume. He could feel the softness of Jilian’s curvaceous bosomy body and there was high voltage energy in her kisses on the cheeks.

“The pleasure is mine,” Jerry murmured. He then stood back to look at Jilian from head to toe. “You were right, Kramer. Jilian is beautiful.”

“And very talented. Jilian is the best illusionist I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you for the compliments.” Jilian smiled. She extended her right arm up to Jerry’s left ear as if to caress him, but then stepped back, held up her hand, and revealed a silver dollar in her grasp.

“Kramer, you were right about Jerry. Not only is he handsome and charming, he’s a rich comedian with money coming out of his ears.”

“Very impressive,” Jerry said with admiration.

“Thank you,” Jilian whispered.

Jerry led Jilian and Kramer into the center of the fastidiously neat living room. Kramer and Jilian sat together on the couch while Jerry took his place in the armchair.

“Kramer tells me you’re the newest client in his stable,” Jilian said.

“Yes,” Jerry said with a quizzical look. ‘Stable? A two horse stable,’ Jerry thought to himself. ‘And Kramer is anything but stable.’ “Yes, Kramer’s client list seems to double almost daily.”

Jilian looked over to Kramer and gave his hand an encouraging squeeze.

“Well, Jerry wants to play some new venues. So I’m going to try to get him into some new clubs that he’s never played before.”

“You’re a great comedian,” Jilian gushed. “I’ve seen you perform before and you are very funny. The last time I saw you perform, let’s see, you were at the Club Improv on 42nd Street. And Kenny Bania was there the same night.”

“Oh yes, Kenny Bania,” Jerry nodded, thinking of how much he despised Kenny–almost as much as that annoying Newman. “Can I get you a cup of coffee? Fresh instant.”

“No thank you.”

“How about you, Kramer?”

“Not at the moment. Say Jerry, I need to talk to you for a moment about your contract. You said you had an agreement with your agent. But I need to have a look at that legal document. I have to check it out to make sure that I won’t be treading on your old agent’s rights.”

For a moment, Jerry looked bewildered. “Right now?”

“Yes, so I can show Jilian too what a standard agent’s contract looks like.”

“Oh right,” Jerry nodded as he clued in to what Kramer needed. “The document is in a file box in my bedroom.”

“Can we talk in your room for a moment?”

“Sure.” Jerry looked toward his gorgeous guest. “Please excuse us, Jilian.”

Before Jerry led Kramer to the bedroom, Jerry took a few steps toward the back wall and turned on the stereo. “We’ll only be a few minutes. If you like, you can help yourself to the coffee.”

A Diane Krall jazz tune helped fill the void.

“I think I will take you up on that offer of coffee,” Jilian said as she got up from the couch.

“Please, help yourself to the cream and sugar too,” Jerry said as he and Kramer disappeared into the other room.

When Jilian found the coffeepot and a mug on the kitchen counter, she poured herself a cup. As she stirred a teaspoon of sugar, there was a knock on the door.

Jilian thought about going to Jerry’s room to tell him that there was a visitor at the door, but then hurried across the living room to the entranceway. Tentatively Jilian opened the door.

A bald, pudgy, middle-aged man, dressed in a checkered shirt, khaki pants and loafers, stood in the hallway, looking a little bewildered. He looked across the hall to check the number.

“Hi,” Jilian said, with a welcoming smile.

“Hi.” George had that deer caught in the headlights look. “I thought for a moment I had the wrong apartment, but this is 5A, Jerry’s place.”

“Oh, I’m just visiting. My name is Jilian.”

“I’m George, George Costanza.” He openly gaped at Jilian’s statuesque features. She looked dazzling in her brilliant blue, green and purple sundress. George thought about the relative merits of knockers for some reason. “Are you Jerry’s girlfriend?”

“No. I’m here for a meeting with Kramer.”

“You aren’t signing up for a fat-free yogurt franchise, are you?”

“No, I’m in show business. I’m looking for an agent and Kramer wants me to be his client.”

Then George slapped himself on the side of his head. “Wait a minute. I know who you are!”

“Who?”

“You’re Jilian - that illusionist Kramer was raving about, right? Am I right?”

“Yes, a female illusionist.”

“Like Melinda - the one in Las Vegas.”

“I guess so, although I’ve never been to Vegas. Oh please, c’mon in.”

George strolled through the doorway. “You must be new to the business.”

“Yes. How’d you know?”

George thought about telling Jilian about Kramer’s lack of experience as an agent, but he bit his tongue. “Well, you look so young.”

“Yes. I’m still a student.”

“Oh, where do you go to school?”

“Columbia. I’m hoping Kramer can find me some work. It will help pay the tuition and living expenses.”

“So where’s Jerry? And where’s Kramer?”

“They’re having a chat in Jerry’s room.” Jilian said as she sat down on the couch. “Something about Jerry’s contract with his agent. Kramer wanted to see the legal document.”

Jilian patted the seat beside her, so George accepted her invitation.

“Oh, Kramer is probably concerned about breach of contract…Kramer knows a thing or two about lawsuits.” There was a look of seriousness in George’s expression.

“Kramer knows lawsuits, huh?”

“Yes. Lawsuits are an American institution. It’s right there in the constitution. Every American has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And the pursuit of happiness is aided and abetted by the right to sue anybody for anything.”

Jilian laughed at the outrageousness of George’s cynical comment. “What makes you so familiar with legal matters?”

“It’s just a necessary part of business.”

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I work for the Yankees.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m an executive assistant to George Steinbrenner.”

“My God! That is so exciting!”

George thought about bragging or embellishing the truth, but remembering how he got the Yankees job, George decided to act contrary to his natural impulses. Instead, he tried to be honest about it. And, daringly, he tried the humorous approach. “Besoball has been berry berry good to me,” George said in an intentionally lame, imitation of Garret Morris, who gained fame on Saturday Night Live many years ago.

Jilian smiled.

“I work in the Yankees front office. I love my job. It’s more than I ever thought I could accomplish. And, I look forward to going to work each and every day.”

“Oh, I am such a fan! I love the Yankees! Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve watched them on television, listened to the games on the radio or I’ve gone down to see some games at Yankee Stadium. I love baseball!”

“So do I. It’s the best job I could ever have.”

“Wow! That is so neat!” Jilian gushed.

Sensing an opportunity, George took a gamble. “The Red Sox are in town tomorrow. Would you like to see the game? You can be my guest.”

“Would I? That would be great!”

“We can sit in the box beside George Steinbrenner if you like.”

“That would be wonderful! You are so sweet!”

Jilian leaned over and squeezed the air out of George. She smothered him with kisses on the cheek.

Then inadvertently, in her unbridled enthusiasm, one of Jilian’s kisses landed flush on George’s lips.

There was a look of surprise on George’s face, then immense delight as Jilian’s innocent buss turned into a long, hot, erotic French kiss. She pushed him back on the couch.

Suddenly the door to Jerry’s room opened.

Jilian and George shot bolt upright.

“Oh, how very interesting,” Jilian blurted.

“Yes, the Yankees are part of the entertainment business.” George improvised. “Very much like show business.”

“That’s why I want to be in show business,” Jilian added. “I want to perform in front of people and bring some joy into their lives. I want to have fun and create fun for the audience.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll become a big success as a female illusionist. But it’s tough. As the song says about New York, ‘If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.’”

“I hope so.”

Jerry and Kramer both thought they saw Jilian hugging George. As they stepped towards the center of the room, Jilian appeared to be caressing George’s ear.

“So, I see you two have been getting to know each other?” Jerry suggested.

“Yes.” Jilian grinned as she pulled a hundred-dollar bill out of George’s ear. “I was just showing George a little magic.”

For the next half-hour, Kramer and Jilian discussed their contractual agreement. Kramer showed Jilian the contract Jerry had with his agent as an example of the terms.
Eventually, Jilian and Kramer worked out a six-month trial agreement at a ten percent commission.

Jilian, dressed in a summery white cotton dress and a Yankee baseball cap, walked arm in arm with George. They made their way down the stairway aisle to the box seats near the Yankees dugout on the first base side.

George Costanza, aware that many envious eyes were on him and his gorgeous date, basked in the glow of the sunshine.

The owner, George Steinbrenner, very dapper in a lightweight summer suit, spotted him. “Hi, George.”

“Hello, Mr. Steinbrenner.” George Costanza smiled, proud to have a beautiful lady on his arm. “I’d like to introduce you to a real true blue Yankees fan. This is Jilian.”

“Happy to meet you,” Mr. Steinbrenner said as he extended his right hand to greet Jilian. Taking her hand in his, he leaned over and kissed the back of it. He stole a glance down at the heavenly breasts of young, angelic Jilian.

“A pleasure meeting you, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

As Jilian took her seat beside George Costanza, the Yankees owner leaned over to George and whispered into his ear, “You lucky devil, Costanza. Jilian is one hot looking fox. Looking good, Costanza!” Mr. Steinbrenner gave George a congratulatory slap on the shoulder.

“Thank you, Mr. Steinbrenner,” George Costanza whispered with pride.

George Costanza was in his element–it didn’t get any better than this. Here he was on a date with a girl whom he regarded as the most beautiful in New York, sitting in the team’s box seats, chatting to the Yankees owner. ‘Jilian must be impressed too.’

As the game began, George’s fears subsided. He regaled Jilian with tales of the current team. Only the kind of insider stuff that a team official might know. For instance, how shortstop Derek Jeter got his first name, what kind of tequila pitcher Mariano Rivera liked to drink, or, how much velocity, if any, pitcher Andy Pettitte had lost on his fastball.

And Jilian was a baseball fan. She drank it all in.

“Let me guess,” George said to Jilian. “You’re favorite player is Derek Jeter.”

“Yeah. He is so hot. All the girls love him. The young boys too. Whenever I played baseball in elementary school, I used to play shortstop, sometimes third base, so I guess it’s natural that Derek was number one in my heart. But George, how did you guess Derek Jeter was my favorite Yankee?”

“Because when I told you Derek was named in appreciation of former Boston Bruins hockey player Derek Sanderson, you already knew that.”

“You are so smart, George. I can see why Mr. Steinbrenner thinks so highly of you.” Jilian gave George a hug.

“If you want, Jilian, after the game, we can go down to the Yankees dressing room. I can’t take you in, but after the players come out, maybe I can get you an autograph for your baseball program. Maybe some of the players, if they’re not too busy with the other fans, they might talk to us.”

“Do they know you, George?”

George’s first impulse was to lie. Instead, he told the truth. “I am not in their circle of close friends, but they know of me.”

“That would be great, George.” Jilian gave George a thank you kiss on the cheek. “I’ve never felt so special on any other visit to Yankee Stadium. I feel like a real VIP.”

“Thanks Jilian, you are a Very Important Person to me.” George leaned over and planted a kiss on Jilian’s tender lips. She responded favorably and intertwined her tongue with George’s.

George couldn’t believe how well everything was going. Jilian, in her sunglasses, baseball cap, long blonde tresses and sundress, was simply gorgeous. George thought Jilian was a real temptress. Her voice in particular attracted her to him. It was energetic, melodious, and very sexy. And she appeared to enjoy his company. The conversation flowed so easily.

However, George’s self-doubts preyed on him. He thought to himself, ‘Whenever I like girls, for whatever reason, they don’t like me. And when they like me, I don’t like them. It’s not logical, but it always seems to work that way. So how come Jilian seems to genuinely like me? She must think I’m nice. But girls don’t want nice guys. Everyone knows nice guys finish last.’

As a hot dog vendor passed down the aisle, George held up his arm to call the young man over.

“Jilian, would you like a hot dog?”

“Yes please.”

“Two hotdogs, please, with the condiments too.”

George passed the money to the vendor then he turned and gave Jilian her hot dog.

“There’s nothing like the atmosphere of a Saturday afternoon at the ballpark.” Jilian observed.

“I’m a bit surprised you wanted one.” George glanced at Jilian’s trim waistline. “A lot of ladies are so worried about their weight, they wouldn’t even consider it.”

“Not me. It brings back memories of my childhood. This afternoon reminds me of when my parents used to bring me down to see the games when I was really young…A trip to Yankee Stadium was the highlight of the summer. I’d always bring my baseball glove, hoping to catch a foul ball, or if we were sitting in the outfield stands, I’d pray for a home run to come our way.”

“Did you ever catch one?”

“Jorge Posada hit a homerun to right field. It landed about three rows in front of me, then bounced right over my head. But in the mad scramble for the ball, I didn’t have much of a chance against the teenagers and adults. I was just a little squirt at the time.”

“I wish I had those kinds of pleasant memories with my parents, although I did have some good times here with friends.”

“Didn’t your parents bring you to the games?”

“Occasionally.” Thinking of his parents’ incessant screaming, George tried to change the subject. “If you didn’t catch any baseballs, did you ever get any players’ autographs?”

“I was lucky. Here, have a look at my hat. I only wear this on special occasions.”

Jilian took off her baseball cap. It unleashed her long blonde tresses. George wondered if she realized how beautiful she appeared and what effect she had on the male libido.
Jilian showed George the inside lining of her cap.

“You’ve got the signature of Jorge Posada?”

“That’s right,” Jilian boasted.

“You’re lucky.”

“So are you, George. Until today, I never got to meet the owner of the Yankees or sit in the box seats. You’re blessed.” Jilian gave George’s arm a squeeze. Then she leaned over and gave George a thank you kiss on the cheek.

After the game, in the bowels of Yankee Stadium, when Derek Jeter emerged from the dressing room, George wanted to introduce Jilian to the veteran Yankees shortstop.

There was a large crowd of fans milling about. But because of George’s front office job, George and Jilian were the first in line to greet the Yankees superstar shortstop.

“Hey, George,” Derek Jeter said. “How come you’re down here?”

“I’m here with a guest,” George said proudly.

Security guards struggled to keep order as some of the fans behind George tried to get Derek Jeter’s attention, shouting out Derek’s name.

“I’d like to introduce you to Jilian.”

Realizing that gorgeous young Jilian was with George, Derek Jeter held up his hand and gave Costanza a high five!

“A pleasure to meet you,” the handsome multi-millionaire said.

“I’m your biggest fan,” Jilian gushed. “Great game today, Derek.”

“Thanks.”

Noticing that Jilian was holding a program, Derek Jeter pulled out a pen from his jacket and quickly autographed the baseball program for her. Jeter’s smiling visage was on the cover.

“Thank you.” Jilian was awestruck as she stared at the newly signed program.

“Thanks, Derek,” George said as he patted Derek on the shoulder.

“My pleasure.”

Needless to say, Jilian was impressed.

But due to the throng of fans clamoring around the baseball superstar, George and Jilian weren’t able to converse with him any longer. They made their way out of the line, further into the corridor beneath the stands.

From George’s point of view, the brief encounter with Derek Jeter went exactly according to plan.

Derek Jeter hit two home runs, knocked in four runs and the Yankees beat the Red Sox 5-3. It was hard to compete with stats like that.

Later that week, Jilian, George, Kramer, Elaine and Jerry were hanging around backstage at Your Momma’s Comedy Club.

“I’ve got to admit, Kramer, you came through,” Jerry said. “I’ve never worked at this club before.”

“Well, you said you wanted to work in some new venues, so I looked for alternatives,” Kramer said.

“And this certainly is an alternative nightclub.”

“So what if Your Momma’s is a gay and lesbian club.”

“That happens sometimes in Greenwich Village,” Jerry said. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay or lesbian. After all, I asked to work in some new places. And Your Momma’s certainly is a place I’ve never been before.”

“It will broaden your audience,” Kramer said as he skittered his hand in the air.

“Well, I couldn’t be happier,” Jilian said. “I am thankful for the opportunity.” She gave Kramer a big warm hug.

“Hey everybody,” Elaine said, “it’s almost show time. We’d better go out front. We’ll catch you later.”

George hugged Jilian and said, “Knock ‘em dead, gorgeous,” as he sneaked a peek down the front of Jilian’s low-cut little black dress.

Jilian kissed George on both cheeks. “Thanks, I’ll give it my best.”

A few minutes later, Kramer, George and Elaine were standing at the back bar of the club.
Formerly a small cinema, Your Momma’s was in a newly refurbished building. A stage replaced the movie screen and front rows and the sloped floor was now terraced, with six different levels of seating. Chairs, narrow dining tables, and alcoholic drinks replaced the theater seats, popcorn and soft drinks.

Tonight, there was a buzz of excitement in the air. The place was jam-packed–Standing Room Only. Kramer estimated a crowd of 600 people though Your Momma’s capacity was supposed to be 500.

The theme music There’s No Business Like Show Business started up and the audience quieted down. It was hard to be heard above the voice of Ethel Merman. The people looked around for the MC to take the stage. From stage entrance left, a middle-aged black man dressed in a suit and tie moved to the microphone stand.

There was wild applause as the music died down. “Good evening, everyone,” the MC said in a deep tone reminiscent of Darth Vader. “How are you doing tonight?”

There were more cheers and hoots and hollers.

“I’m Benson Carver, and I will be your master of ceremonies.” Enthusiastic applause filled the room. “There’s a lot of pent up energy in the house tonight! What happened? Did everyone take a vow of celibacy?” Laughter interrupted his patter. “You know that doesn’t work. There are a few thousand Roman Catholic priests who will swear to that!”

There was a big roar of applause.

“For those of you who have never been here before, it’s too late for you to escape. If you’re worried about your reputation, your worries are over. If people thought you were straight before, forget it! Once you walked into this joint, you switched teams! You have no credibility now! You’re as queer as a lactose intolerant lesbian sucking on your momma’s silicone boobs.”

More raucous approval from the masses.

“Speaking of switching teams, we’ve got some virgin performers here in the house tonight. New to Your Momma’s, we’ve got the hottest new act in New York. Her name is Jilian and she’s the best illusionist you will ever see. Jilian will blow you away. And if she doesn’t, she’ll simply blow you.” The audience went wild. “And she’s a dazzling beauty, let me tell you. You girls and girly boys will love her . . . You wish.”

The audience cheered!

“Another huge coup for Your Momma’s is New York’s favorite comedian, you’ve seen him on television, you’ve seen him in New York’s best comedy clubs all over town, so what’s he doing slumming here at Your Momma’s? Let’s hear it for the very funny Jerry Seinfeld!” There was more thunderous applause. And then the MC rhymed off the rest of the names of the non-virgin comics appearing in the show.

The first performer was a lesbian drag king who did a hilarious ‘You know you’re a redneck when’ type shtick. Instead, it became a ‘You know you’re straight when’ routine. He-she looked a lot like Chaz Bono, Cher’s son/daughter.

Initially a little uptight, Elaine, George and Kramer eventually relaxed and enjoyed the show.

As the first act ended, Benson Carver, the MC, came back to the stage. He entered walking bent over, with a noticeable limp, dragging his right leg like he had a stump foot. On the back of his right shoulder, it appeared that he had a large hump.

“A big round of applause for ‘Whistlin’ Dixie’. Wasn’t Dick See great?”

The crowd cheered boisterously.

Still hunched over, Benson Carver launched into his routine. “When I was a young boy, living in Dixie, Atlanta Georgia to be precise, I thought I might be straight.” The audience snickered, hooted and hollered.

“Yeah, I know I’m a hunchback, but I’m not bent. I discovered I was straight at a very young age. I remember my momma warned me not to look at naked women. She told me that if I looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. She called it the Medusa effect. Those curly hairs on women were like Medusa’s snake covered scalp.

"Then, one day, I went over to my friend’s house to play. When I knocked on the door and rang the bell, there was no answer. So I went to the side walkway between houses to see if I could find my friend in the backyard. But I thought I saw some motion behind the curtains at a side window. Being a little guy, I couldn’t see who was there. So I climbed atop a fence, then I could see into the window. There was my friend’s mom in the bathroom. She was taking off her clothes. Naturally curious, I watched as she removed her clothes. But remembering momma’s words of warning, I was afraid I would turn to stone. As the lady removed her nylons and her bra, I was excited but, at the same time, absolutely terrified. Maybe even petrified. Finally the lady’s panties slipped to the floor. She was totally nude. And she was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I felt something turn hard! I thought I turned to stone!”

The audience laughed.

“I was so scared, I screamed, fell off the fence and I landed on my back. Unfortunately, because my family was poor, I couldn’t get the proper medical care. My back didn’t heal properly. But now I can tell you, I’m a damn straight hunchback–the hunchback of naked shame.”

Thunderous applause. The audience loved it.

Kramer was feeling good about booking his two clients, Jerry and Jilian, into Your Momma’s.

“Earlier, I told you we’re fortunate to have the hottest act in New York appearing here at Your Momma’s. You will remember the first time you ever saw this blonde bombshell, this goddess of magic and illusion. Here is the amazing, Jilian!”

There was warm, enthusiastic applause.

A gold, jewel encrusted bottle descended from the curtains above. It dropped to a height of about three feet above the stage. Then it followed Benson Carver as he made his way offstage. As the audience snickered a little at the magically levitated bottle tailing Benson Carver, he looked back as he sensed something going on behind him. When he spotted the floating bottle, he stopped. Then, with a bewildered look on his face, Carver reached out slowly and grabbed it.

Suddenly the ruby crown popped off the golden bottle, releasing billowing smoke. Within seconds, the swirling clouds engulfed Benson Carver.

A moment later, a pink costumed genie appeared. The blonde bombshell was dressed in a harem outfit exactly like the one Barbara Eden wore in the old 60s TV series I Dream of Jeannie. In fact, with a pink fez, light veils and golden locks framing an angelic face, she was a dead ringer for Jeannie, actress Barbara Eden.

“Good evening, master!” chimed the familiar cheery tones of ‘Jeannie.’ “Thank you for releasing me from the bottle. Oh, I’m so happy. I have been trapped in endless television reruns for many, many years. My name is Jeannie. I am the genie of Major Anthony Nelson’s golden bottle and I am here to serve you. Oh master, whatever you wish is my command.”

“My oh my! What a delightful surprise!” Benson Carver exclaimed, as he looked her over lasciviously.

Jeannie turned to the audience to acknowledge their enthusiastic applause.

“You are here to serve me?” Benson Carver asked. “Oh, this is going to be good. I can’t wait to see how you grant my wishes.”

“Master, your wish is my command.”

“Well, first, I want to you to straighten my back.”

Jeannie folded her arms in front of her chest. Then she blinked, accompanied by a brief musical tinkle, and Benson Carver suddenly straightened up. The noticeable hump on his back appeared to deflate. He no longer had a hunchback.

“Thank you...Thank you, Jeannie!”

“You are welcome, master.”

There was a sudden bright flash! The stage was engulfed in a blast of smoke. A few seconds later, as the mists dissipated, Jeannie was no longer there! It was amazing!

“Jeannie, come back. Wait! Come back!”

Benson Carver looked out at the audience. “I knew that was too good to be true. I didn’t even get three wishes . . . Ladies and gentlemen, once again; here is the very sexy, glamorous, magical mistress of illusion, Jilian! Jilian!”

There was wild applause! Cheers! Hoots and hollers!

The lights went out. The club was in total darkness. The crowd quieted down.

The Beach Boys Surfin’ U.S.A. song blasted through the club’s sound system. Sounds of crashing surf were mixed in with the Beach Boys tune.

“If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody’d be surfing
Like Californ-I-aye.”

A spotlight from the back of the club splashed over to stage right.

Long blond hair, curvaceous body stuffed into a golden bikini, Jilian was a radiant vision on top of a long hard board. She screamed, “Surf’s up!” as her surfboard shot across the stage.

The amazing thing was the board appeared airborne high above stage level.

“Everybody’s going surfing
Surfing, U.S.A.”

Holding her arms out for balance, Jilian dipped down as if crouched in the curl of a monstrous breaker. She was in the Pipeline. It conjured up visions of the awesome destructive power of the ocean. Jilian zipped across the stage, perched precariously on her board as it skimmed forward.

“We’ll all be gone for the summer
We’re on safari to stay
Tell the teacher we’re surfing
Surfing, U.S.A.”

Nearing the other side of the stage, Jilian stepped to the back end of the surfboard, flipped it up, ‘ride’ over, then she collapsed onto the board and paddled back across to the center of the stage.

“All over La Jolla
And Waimea Bay
Everybody’d gone surfing
Surfing, U.S.A.”

There was the sound of an approaching breaker. Jilian looked up at the imaginary tsunami. Suddenly Jilian rolled the surfboard overtop of her body as a surfer does to avoid being crushed. The power of the huge wave crashed downward! After the wave apparently roared by her, she flipped the board back up and then she was on top, paddling like mad through the surging swells!

“Everybody’s gone surfing
Surfing, U.S.A.”

At center stage, Jilian stopped paddling. She slid off her surfboard. As she stood up, feet planted on the stage, the surfboard was at chest level. Jilian gave the board a strong shove and it glided, four feet above stage level, across the wide expanse, exiting stage right.

Surfin’ U.S.A. faded into the background.

The crowd went bonkers! Bananas! Tubular even! How did she ever manage this radical levitation trick? They’d never seen anything like this before. And Jilian was drop dead gorgeous! She sure knew how to stuff a wild bikini!

The lights came on as Jilian bowed to the crowd amidst generous applause. Then, she picked up the wireless microphone from its stand. Behind her was the lone prop on the stage–a large, black closet size box.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jilian Diamond.” There were more cheers. “Thank you! What a lively crowd! It’s such a pleasure to perform in front of wildly enthusiastic people. So, how did you folks like the surfing illusion?” Jilian paused as there was more applause. “The idea for the surfing illusion came to me while watching the old classic teen film Gidget Goes Hawaiian! The Gidget films were probably before your time, but in this one, Deborah Walley never touched the water while ‘surfing’ either. Well, to tell you the truth, there was no magical levitation in my act. Beneath the surfboard, hidden by darkness, carrying the whole load, it was really the hunchback of naked shame, Benson ‘Quasimodo’ Carver.”

The crowd roared its approval.

At the back bar, Kramer leaned over to George, “I told you she was good, didn’t I?”

Spellbound by Jilian’s beauty, George nodded in agreement. “Breathtaking.”

“While I like wearing a bikini, I feel a little underdressed. So pardon me while I step into my change room for a moment.”

Jilian opened the ‘door’ to the large red satin lined box. Then she stepped in and closed the door. As she did, the ‘closet’ started to rotate.

“I feel like Clark Kent changing into Superman in a phone booth. But Superman’s an exhibitionist. I mean, the sides of a phone booth are made of glass. The phone booth doesn’t hide anything. Besides, blue tights and a red cape? You don’t need a gaydar to pick up on that fashion statement, am I right?”

The ‘closet’ rotated one complete turn.

Jilian opened the door and stepped out. She was wearing a glittering chain mail silver evening gown. The low neckline, Jilian’s sexy slim arms, her tiny waist, the flaring hips, and the long curvaceous legs, and the revealing chain mail material mesmerized the audience. Jilian was a goddess!

Jilian was so beautiful one could almost sense the lesbians in the audience salivating. The crowd applauded Jilian’s taste in clothing. “It’s such a tiny patch of material, I feel like I’m ‘airing’ the Emperor’s new clothes.” The crowd applauded. “Oh, you actually like this? I made it from a guard’s outfit I stole from the Tower of London.”

The crowd laughed politely.

“You’ve heard of the Tower of London. It’s where they keep the Crown Jewels. The Tower also served as a prison. And sometimes they tortured the prisoners on a rack and they also beheaded people too. Do you know what they call the guards at the Tower of London?” Jilian paused. “They’re called Beefeaters. I want to tell you, after I saw those Beefeaters, I practically lost my head. I wanted to chain a male guard to a rack, taste his Crown Jewels and eat his beefy tower!”

The audience cheered, hooted and hollered!

“I think there are a few fetishists and sadomasochists in this kinky crowd.”

Now there was a big roar from the target group.

As the applause faded, the comedy club gradually got darker as the lights were turned down once more.

“For the upcoming illusion, I need a volunteer.”

Quickly, Jilian picked a person in the front row. A young virile hunk stepped forward and climbed the steps up to the stage. He was well built–undoubtedly a body builder. His black T-shirt was stretched to the limit around rippling pectorals, but the cotton material hung loosely around his taut six-pack waist.

“Hi, thank you for volunteering. And what is your name?”

“Andy.”

“Andy the eye candy…Very nice.” Jilian gave Andy’s biceps a squeeze.

The gay crowd responded with appreciative whistles and catcalls.

“For the illusion I’m about to perform, I’m going to need a few props. You see the metal hoops at the front of the stage, Andy? Could you please bring them up to me?”

Andy stepped forward a few paces as Jilian followed closely behind. When he bent over to pick up the metal hoops, Jilian said, “Nice tush!” as she squeezed the cheeks.

There were a few gay hearts a flutter.

Andy responded with a smile as he handed the six silver hoops over to Jilian.

“Back in the late 1950s, the hula-hoop was a big fad that swept through America. I mean everybody owned a hula-hoop. Now Andy, I’d like you to put the hoop over your head, bring it down to waist level as I am doing. That’s it,” she said as he followed her instructions.

“Now, swivel your hips and let’s see how long you can keep it up.” She eyed his crotch. “You’ve had a lot of experience in keeping it up, haven’t you Andy?” The crowd chuckled at the double entendre. Then the two performers started swiveling. The crowd applauded as both Andy and Jilian kept the hoops rotating around their slim waists. Eye candy indeed!

“Now Andy, most people think it’s easy to keep up the hula-hoop, but I’m going to make it a little more difficult for myself,” Jilian said as she lifted her right leg and shook it so that she kept a silver hoop spinning.

“Oh Andy, I was hoping you had more staying power,” Jilian said as Andy’s hoop fell to the floor.

Then Jilian put another hoop around her left arm. Somehow Jilian managed to spin that one too. “I’ve always had a hard time with the hoop that goes around my neck though.” Jilian now spun four hoops and then she added another on her right arm. “There, five hoops simultaneously.”

The crowd gave polite applause as Jilian kept all the hoops spinning. Andy struggled to get his hoop going again, but it rattled onto the floor once more.

“I suppose you’re wondering how I extricate myself from this predicament?” Jilian asked as she gyrated her sexy body.

There was a pause. Then Jilian flung the hoops that were around her arms high up into the air, she quickly grabbed the leg hoop and tossed it up into the air, then quickly the one from her neck, and finally the spinning hoop from her waist.

All five of the hoops fell back to the stage at the same time. Nonchalantly Jilian grabbed the five almost simultaneously before they could hit the floor. She held the five rings up in the air briefly, and then took a well-deserved bow.

The crowd applauded politely.

“Thank you…How about a big round of applause for Andy?” The audience gave him a nice send-off as he returned to his seat.

Now, Jilian launched the hoops high into the air above the stage. They seemed to get lost in the curtains above. This time the hoops didn’t come back down.

There was laughter from the crowd.

“Oh, I forgot about Andy’s hula-hoop.” Jilian bent over to pick it up. As she straightened up, Jilian suddenly launched the hoop, Frisbee style, out into the crowd. There was a gasp of surprise! But, like a disintegrating hologram, it broke up and disappeared.

“How did she do that?” murmured through the throng.

From stage left, a large wooden box floated across the stage toward Jilian.

“For my next illusion, I will attempt to saw a person in half. Are there any brave fools, I mean volunteers, who’d like to assist me in this performance.”

There was a momentary pause as Jilian searched through the forest of arms held up. “Yes, the young lady over here on this side.” Jilian’s eyes tracked the volunteer as she rushed up to the stage before Jilian could finish the sentence.

In the harsh spotlight, the twenty-something brunette, dressed in a sexy dark blue pantsuit, turned to the audience and waved.

“Hello, thank you for stepping forward,” Jilian said as she helped the young woman on stage. “And your name is . . .?”

“Annie,” the young lady said into the proffered microphone.

“Annie. Well, tonight it’s the Andy and Annie show. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to know Andy, would you?”

“No.”

“That’s unfortunate for you, but good for me . . . Sometimes the audience believes the illusionist picks ‘plants’ from the audience. But I’ve never met you before, have I?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Good, now that we’ve established that, have you made up your last will and testament?”

“No, should I?”

“It probably isn’t necessary. A person as young as you probably has nothing but debts anyway.”

“You’re right,” Annie agreed with a smile.

The audience laughed along with Annie.

“The illusion is very simple. I am going to ask you to lie down in this magician’s box. I am going to strap you in and then I am going to saw the box in half. It’s really a simple illusion. You’ve probably seen this trick before, am I right?”

“Yes, I’ve seen it before, but I’ve never done it before. Are you sure it’s safe?”

“The medical prognosis is good.”

“All right.”

“Okay Annie, I want you to step up here, then we’ll get you to lie down in the box . . . That’s it,” Jilian said as she gave Annie a helping hand.

Annie lay down in the magically levitated magician’s box. There were no visible supports beneath the wooden box.

“Now the people in the audience want to be assured, Annie, that you are with us at all times. So we’re going to have your feet sticking out of one end, and your arms will be extended above your head so that we can see your hands sticking out of the other end.”

Annie lay down in the box. Jilian closed the top of the box. The audience could see Annie’s hands sticking out one end and her black pumps sticking out the opposite end.

“Okay Annie, I want you to wiggle your feet to let the audience know you’re still there.”

The feet moved vigorously.

“Now give us a wave with both hands.”

The hands fluttered back and forth.

“Good. Have you enough air to breathe?”

There was a muffled ‘yes’ from inside the magician’s box.

Jilian spun the magician’s box around once to show the crowd that the box wasn’t held up by a hidden pole attached at the backside.

Once the rotation was complete, Jilian reached beneath the magically levitated box and pulled out a large shiny metallic blade.

“This blade will be placed directly above the mid-section of the magician’s box. When I depress the blade into this slot, it will split this wooden box into two. Are you ready, Annie?”

Again there was a muffled ‘yes’ from inside the box.

Suddenly there was a drum roll over the club’s sound system.

Jilian dropped the sharp blade into the slot.

There was a loud scream. “Aaaahhhhh!!!!!!”

The sharp blade fell through the box directly to the stage floor. There was a loud clunk of metal on wood! Then the two halves of the magician’s box separated. One end fell to the stage feet first. The other fell to the stage floor hands first. Then the feet side of the box scurried off to the left side of the stage. The hands side of the box scurried away to the right side of the stage. It was like a scene from a cartoon.

The crowd went wild! There was thunderous applause.

The house lights came up slowly.

“Don’t worry ladies and gentlemen. Annie has gone to a better place.”

All of a sudden, the audience saw Annie, perched on the edge of five silver hoops that had been welded together, descending from the ceiling of the stage.

Now there was absolute bedlam! Totally unexpected!

“Back already?” Jilian asked. “I bet you didn’t know you could walk on your hands?”

Annie bent over in laughter as she dropped steadily downward. The silver rings stopped descending as Annie’s feet touched the floor. She stepped away from the tethered hoops.

Immediately the rings withdrew to the ceiling above.

“Should I tell them how you did it?” Annie asked.

“You are now a member of the Secret Order of Magicians and Illusionists,” Jilian insisted.

“You are forbidden to do that. But there is no trick. It’s real magic!”

Annie shook her head.

“Watch out, Annie, or I’ll say the magic words, Rumpelstiltskin, and you will turn into a wretched old man.”

Annie laughed.

“Annie, let me tell you about the curse of Rumpelstiltskin. Did you ever drink so much alcohol, Annie, that you are practically falling down drunk? Then you stumble home and you are so inebriated, you fall asleep with your clothes on. In your very best pantsuit, like the one you’re wearing now. The next morning when you wake up, you are hung over, you’re dehydrated from the alcohol, and your face looks like it’s been put through a meat grinder. Annie, that condition is called Rumple Suit Skin. That’s what will happen to you when I say the magic words Rumpelstiltskin three times . . . But thank you Annie for your assistance. Please give a big round of applause for the extraordinary Annie! The newest member of the Secret Order of Magicians and Illusionists, Annie!”

As Annie returned to her seat, the club was awash with generous applause.

At the back bar of the club, Elaine shouted out to George above the clapping, “Isn’t Jilian amazing?”

“Incredible!” Kramer agreed.

“She is great!” George added, gushing with pride.

The ‘closet’ at the back of the stage moved forward, seemingly of Jilian’s volition. A makeup table and a chair emerged from the wings and the three pieces of furniture converged around Jilian at center stage.

As Jilian stepped into the ‘closet’ for what would be the last time, the house lights started to dim. The large black box rotated slowly.

“To do these costume changes, I need the speed of a superhero. Do you remember how Lynda Carter did her change? Diana Prince spun around like a white tornado and,” the sound of a thunderbolt, “out came Wonder Woman! So when I was a kid, I recorded that scene on the VCR and then played it back in slow motion. You know what? She never took off all her clothes! It was totally fake!”

There were some knowing laughs from the guys who also tried the super slow motion replay trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen, and in betweenies…Tonight what you have seen is a scintillating show of magic and illusion. We’ve taken a few volunteers from the audience, ordinary people, and performed a little hocus pocus for your entertainment. Anyone and everyone is capable of illusion.”

Moments later, the door opened and Jilian stepped forward in the spotlight amidst billowing clouds of smoke. She was dressed in a classic black velvet dress. The deep plunging neckline could barely contain her bountiful bosom. Through the swirling mist, Jilian strutted forward, twirling her cane and doffing her top hat. There was a flash of curvaceous leg beneath the drape of black velvet as she pivoted on her stiletto heels. Jilian’s dazzling smile beamed in the glow of the stage lights.

Then the music started up. The haunting melody had a vaguely familiar air. There was a change in mood as a tight spotlight centered upon Jilian. She moved front and center to give the audience a more intimate look at her slinky dress and her sensuous perfect body. She began singing.

“My mum and I we live alone
A great apartment is our home
In Fairhome Towers
I have to keep me company
Two dogs, a cat, a parakeet
Some plants and flowers.”

There was no doubt–Jilian was the most radiant, beautiful person in Your Momma’s Comedy Club tonight. All eyes were fixated on her!

“I help my mother with the chores
I wash, she dries, I do the floors
We work together
I shop and cook and sew a bit
Though mum does too I must admit
I do it better.”

Jilian glided over to the makeup table and sat down. She continued in her beautiful soaring alto voice.

“At night I work in a strange bar
Impersonating every star
I’m quite deceiving
The customers come in with doubt
And wonder what I’m all about
But leave believing.”

Jilian removed her false eyelashes. She picked up a soft cloth soaked in baby oil and then covered her face. The crowd was abuzz as Jilian’s beautifully accentuated facial features disappeared.

“I do a very special show
Where I am nude from head to toe
After strip teasing.”

Jilian stood up. She reached over and slipped a thin strap off her right shoulder. There was a momentary pause. Jilian smiled enticingly. Then, with an elegant shrug of her shoulders, the dress suddenly dropped to the floor. There was an audible gasp, as Jilian’s bountiful breasts seem to fall away with the black velvet.

“Each night the men look so surprised
I change my sex before their eyes.”

Jilian removed the cascade of blonde curls. Beneath the wig was short dark blond hair of a man.

There was a skin colored ‘panty’ to cover Jilian’s private parts, but there was no denying, the slim body, without the silicone falsies, was that of a male. Not a female.

“Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man.”

‘Jilian’ slipped off her black stiletto heels.

“My masquerade comes to an end
And I go home to bed again
Alone and friendless.”

‘Jilian’ pulled on a pair of black pants.

“I know my life is not a crime
I’m just a victim of my time
I stand defenseless.”

‘Jilian’ slipped into a pair of loafers and donned a dark gray shirt.

“Nobody has the right to be
The judge of what is right for me.”

‘Jilian’ sang the last lines looking directly to the distant back bar, where his/her eyes seemed to zero in on the sheepish expression on George Costanza’s face.

“Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man.”

‘Jilian’ bowed. The crowd rose as one. The standing ovation was deafening! There was hooting and hollering from the very appreciative throng. The poignant lyrics by Charles Aznavour and Bradford Craig had never been performed any better.

As ‘Jilian’ made his/her way offstage, Benson Carver gave ‘Jilian’ a big bear hug. That gesture was greeted by another peak in the applause meter.

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Miss Jilian Diamond. Wasn’t she out of this world? I know she had me completely fooled.”

Benson Carver looked at someone in the front row. “Wait a second, are you saying Miss Jilian is really a drag king? She’s really a girl posing as a female impersonator? Like Victor/Victoria? Honey, Julie Andrews never looked that sexy! I mean Miss Jilian is hot! For goodness sakes, Julie Andrews was Mary Poppins and Sister Maria in The Sound of Music. Hell! Miss Jilian wouldn’t look out of place in burlesque. Come to think of it, she’s as good looking as many of the strippers workin' in the clubs.

“Whether or not Miss Jilian is a man or woman, I don’t know and I don’t care. Whatever she or he is, Miss Jilian is great! And speaking of the great ones in the New York entertainment scene, Your Momma’s Comedy Club is proud to present to you the comic you’ve all been waiting for, Jerry Seinfeld!”

George Costanza couldn’t take it anymore. Feeling absolute humiliation, and even though his friend Jerry Seinfeld was on stage, George charged out of the club.

In George’s mind, there was a mix of emotions. He was thinking, ‘How can a person like Jilian deceive me like that? I cared for her as a beautiful girl. But she is really a guy! For goodness sake, I kissed her on the lips! After the date at the Yankees game, we kissed! I kissed a man? I can’t believe it. Jilian was so sexy! I cannot believe this. It’s like a nightmare. It can’t be happening to me.’

A crestfallen George slumped against an exterior wall of Your Momma’s Comedy Club. Some people passed by him in the street. It was a cool night, but George didn’t notice the temperatures. He fretted about going back in to face his friends. He thought about catching a cab ride home.

The time passed as George struggled with this major dilemma. George replayed the events of the past week. From the moment Kramer–Kramer, just like him to leave out a ‘detail’ like that–walked into the coffee shop, to the meeting at Jerry’s, the afternoon at the ballgame, to assembling backstage at Your Momma’s, and finally to the moment of discovery when ‘Jilian’ sang What Makes a Man a Man. The whole ‘Jilian’ infatuation was merely the prelude to a disaster! Another George Costanza tragedy! He finally met the girl of his dreams. But she was really a he!

There was a tap on George’s shoulder.

“Hi George.”

It was Jilian. Her blonde hair, her beautiful makeup and foxy clothing were back. She/he looked beautiful.

George’s first impulse was to launch into an angry tirade. But remembering the key to his success and happiness seemed to be adopting the opposite tact, George simply said, “Hi Jilian.”

“I guess that last illusion came as a bit of a shock to you.”

“To say the least.”

“I guess you were wondering why I didn’t tell you earlier?”

“Yes. I made a fool of myself.” George said angrily, but still trying to control his temper. “I really thought you were a beautiful girl. Instead . . . ”

“The first time we met, when you said Kramer told you I was an illusionist, I even corrected you. I said I was a female illusionist.”

Now it started to dawn on George. “Kramer left the gender illusion part out. He never told Jerry or Elaine or me about your best illusion. And when you said female illusionist, I said ‘like Melinda in Las Vegas.’ She’s a real girl. A magician.” George paused. “But you might have thought Melinda was a female impersonator because there are lots of impersonation shows there . . . So you thought I knew you were a boy.”

“Yes. Anybody who has seen my act knows it.”

“That’s for sure…And I must say your act is terrific. The illusions are really great. The surfing illusion in particular! In fact, I’m baffled. I don’t know how you did those fantastic levitation tricks.”

“It’s just smoke, mirrors, misdirection and . . . a little modern technology.”

“C’mon, give me at least a hint.”

“Remember I told you I’m a student.”

“Yes.”

“I’m in my final year of mechanical engineering. A lot of those illusions simply require remote control devices–a little sleight of hand to control the movements of the props.” Jilian held out a little beige plastic device in the palm of her hand. “And the virtually impossible becomes entirely possible.”

“I see.”

George Costanza looked at Jilian with a fresh appreciation. “Jilian, let’s get a fresh start . . . My name is George Costanza,” he said as he held out his hand.

“Hi George, my name is Julian Diamond, although many people know me as Jilian.”

“Jilian, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” George said in his imitation Bogart voice, stealing a line from Casablanca, as they shook hands. However, the shaking hands gesture seemed grossly inadequate to George. Then, acting on impulse, George’s hand reached up to Jilian’s face, and caressed her cheek. “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

Jilian seemed to enjoy George’s gentle touch as she smiled lovingly.

George looked into Jilian’s dreamy eyes. “Ah, what the hell.” George took Jilian in his arms, practically bent her over backwards with a dipping movement, and kissed her as passionately as he could.

Jilian melted in George’s arms.

After a kiss that seemed to last for three days, they had to come up for air. They looked briefly at each other's eyes and repeated the kiss with the same vigor, lust, and desire, knowing in their hearts that what they were feeling was real. However, they had to come back to earth. They straightened each other's clothing to look presentable once more.

Jilian rubbed off the lipstick from George's mouth and then she touched up her own smudged makeup. George and Jilian headed back into Your Momma’s together, arm in arm. Not a care in the world about what others thought of them. Love is blind.

The End

Many thanks to the beautiful illusionist Jilian Diamond. When the story was written, Jilian was a successful magician who appeared at the famed Magic Castle in Los Angeles.

Please note that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away on July 13th, 2010.

The original story, Switching Teams, was written in 2003, but was revised and reposted December 22nd, 2010.