Don’t sweat the small stuff.

It's a piece of advice my drama teacher gave me when I was in High School, and for years I had trouble following it. What she literally meant is that little things aren’t worth being upset over, but a lot of little things can pile up if you let them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently though, and between the advice of my no-longer perspective therapist (more on that after the break :-)) and advice I’ve received from friends and concerned community members here, I’ve come to a conclusion.

Embrace the small stuff too!

What I mean is, there are little, positive things I can do for myself that don't involve spending thousands of dollars (although I will eventually get THERE as well *grumble hair removal grumble*)

A great example of this is that I decided to treat myself last week. I bought a little sterling silver celtic knot ring for ~$10.

It's not much, but I've always wanted one, and to me little things like jewelry that don't involve declaring my religious beliefs are a nice, very minor feminizing touch. Baby steps.

"But Zoe, men wear jewelry too!"

Yes, they do, but when is the last time you saw a linebacker wearing anything but a Star of David, or ten pounds of gold bling?

I've never been the kind of girl who likes gold or pearls anyway. I like silver, and I like simplicity. It's kind of a reflection of me, and an emotional step forward, for me.

I can't emphasize that enough, that this is what I wanted to do for myself. I'm actually thinking about my own happiness, my own self-interests. I'm tired of putting my own suffering aside for the will of the closed-minded.

Before I sign off on this I promised an update on the therapist situation. Essentially, her last correspondance was days ago, in which she suggested I look into a support group, as well as some other thoughts on helping to deal with my depression/anxiety (It works out better financially too because I would've had to charge up my credit card to afford it, and you know how that goes :-)).

I think she intended for me to consider these alternatives first, the more I've thought about it. I'm not saying this as a slight against her, but quite the opposite - she's absolutely right, that I need support from like-minded people if I'm going to move forward with my life.

BigCloset has been that support for what will be two years next month, and you will always be, but I'm going to try and look into something face-to-face as well. If I continue to suffer from depression, then I'll look into psychotherapy again, but honestly, I have been feeling a lot better these past few days - better than I've felt in years, in fact.

I don't know how long it'll last, but I believe much of it is tied to my actively trying to stop fighting who I am. It feels like a shift in perspective. Someone told me that acceptance from her family was basically put second to being who she needed to be, and I find myself increasingly agreeing with her.

So, anyway, that's my little "A-ha" moment. I'd post a picture of my ring, but I my camera's a little too good. I'd rather not show off the three or four little hairs on my knuckle that are otherwise invisible :-P

Love,
~Zoe