Someone has posted a public domain version of a famously thin and stupid book known as English As She Is Spoke.

Mark Twain wrote the forward to the first American Version. Here is an excerpt of that forward:

Many persons have believed that this book's miraculous stupidities were
studied and disingenuous; but no one can read the volume carefully through and keep
that opinion. It was written in serious good faith and deep earnestness, by an honest
and upright idiot who believed he knew something of the English language, and could
impart his knowledge to others. The amplest proof of this crops out somewhere or
other upon each and every page. There are sentences in the book which could have
been manufactured by a man in his right mind, and with an intelligent and deliberate
purposes to seem innocently ignorant; but there are other sentences, and paragraphs,
which no mere pretended ignorance could ever achieve–nor yet even the most
genuine and comprehensive ignorance, when unbacked by inspiration.

If you're game for wasting a ton of time, and a hefty dose of snorts and guffaws, here's the link to the work:

http://www.exclassics.com/espoke/espkpdf.pdf

For the impatient, those in need of immediate gratification, jump to page 22, from which you can work your way in whichever direction suits your whim.

If I ever start a band, I'm calling it Cleave The Head.