It is late at night, late enough to be early. I sit alone in my easy chair, stormed by stillness, deafened by quiet and flooded with emptiness. The inexorable march of time is measured by a clock ticking off seconds and the beat of my run-down heart.
I dwell upon climbing into bed alone as I have for untold thousands of nights, the thought of human intimacy so utterly desirable and equally unattainable that I feel like a homeless woman dreaming of a place of her own as she settles into a cardboard box under an off ramp. I can only imagine a serious romantic relationship as a housewife daydreams about the life of a movie star.
Love seems so foreign, so farfetched, so forbidden to me and I am left to acknowledge the sting of imminent tears, the wrench of my heart, the dull pain of loneliness and do my best to let it merely hang in the air instead of fighting it.
The clock ticks, marking each dreary second. Each breath, each beat of my heart brings me closer to wherever it is I’m going, though only time itself can tell where my journey will end, or when, or what I shall experience along the way, or with whom — if anyone.
Comments
All The Lonely People
Maybe it will end when you make the effort to insert yourself in a situation where it might be possible to meet another lonely person. Take an Adult-Ed class. or visit the Y. Go to a political demonstration, or a meeting of a political club or committee. Check out a Unitarian Universalist church or an unprogrammed Quaker Meeting. Bring a book to a coffee house. Volunteer at the hospital. Go on an organized walk or tour. Are you a senior? Many counties and towns have sponsored lunches for seniors.
At first, don't try to meet anyone. Just relax, observe, and try to get comfortable in a new environment. If you do meet someone, talk to them about them, not about yourself. Remember, they're lonely, too.
I'm no social butterfly myself, but I do know one thing. If you're lonely, and stay home, you'll be lonely at home.
Lonely?
Pippa gave you excellent advice, follow it!
In the meantime, get a cat. :)
Mr. Ram
Agreed, great advice.
but funny thing is, you never know where you can meet people. I live very near a Costco and have gotten to know some of the folks their over time and it is just a good venue to do a walk in it for the exercise. But be warned, keep your hands tightly gripped on your pocket book or wallet :).
Above all, be open to seeing them as people. Too often people do not see those people who are doing a job serving you as not being people, but of course they are and understanding how to do that also help you to connect with people in general as we all have a public armor and to gently coax people out of that is a skill.
Kim
Gosh, you are so right!
Pippa:
I was going to comment to Monalisa about how many times I have felt those same feelings in the past, but I know that you are right. I really had to push myself at first but today, I somehow almost double booked with someone.
I would still like to have that special someone whose chest I could lie upon, and spoon with; someone to tickle me until I scream for mercy, and to make breafast for in the morning. :)
Much Peace
Khadijah Gwen
Day after Day Alone on a Hill
I'll second Pippa's wise words. I was going to give you a swift kick where it would do the most good, but Pippa handled it much better.
Loneliness isn't the private refuge of those who live alone. My guess is most of us are lonely some part of every day, whether we're mattied, happy, or otherwise.
From the tone of your post you seem more depressed than lonely. If Pippa's advice doesn't make you want to join the world, you need to seek professional help. Depression is nothing to take on alone.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Thank you for your comments, everyone
FYI: In my blog entry, I was describing the moment, not my lifestyle. :)
I am the outreach co-chair for TransGender San Francisco and I go to all of their social events in addition to the outreach talks in which I participate. Each day I take a walk a mile or two down the street and back (and this is in San Francisco proper, so there are always people about). I go to stores, restaurants, movie theaters and what have you with friends - or occasionally on my own. On Friday evening, I went to a movie by myself just for fun. I have formed a writing group with a friend and we meet at a coffee shop each week to give each other feedback. So far, it's just the two of us, but we're working on adding two or three others to the group as well. There are other things I would love to do, like resume ballroom dancing lessons, but I don't have the money for that.
As you can see, I do get myself out there; I never said I didn't. Despite everything, however, I never end up talking with anyone new. Perhaps I am still too shy. Perhaps I'm sending out "go away" vibes. I just don't know.
What I do know is that I'm not ready to find love yet. About a month ago I heard myself thinking that I would give up all of my writing and musical abilities if I could have that special someone in my life instead, but I realized that's all wrong. I have to get myself to a place where I am a bit more together before I will be ready. This is why the universe withholds love from me.
But thank you so very much for all of your support, everyone. It does make a girl feel a whole lot better. :)
Love,
Lisa
Being put together
I have those same feelings but in this discussion I have come to realize that perhaps, the one you are seeking is the one; the other part; the missing link; the soul mate. Till now, I have been very busy volunteering, and mentoring college girls and being involved in my Masjid.
I love Astronomy, old trains, bike riding, and all sorts of things. Perhaps I should seek out a group or club that does these things and when I am at my best, perhaps someone will want what I have?
Much peace
Khadijah gwen
You are right, Khadijah Gwen
I seek the one who will make me want to forsake all others, the one I cannot imagine life without. I have spent so many years feeling that I was meant to find such a one, but now... I really don't know; only time can tell.
What I do know is that I will no longer resist loneliness. I will allow it to be there and... well, work around it, I guess. :) I can still be happy, even if I don't have anyone to have and to hold. If that is the way of the universe, then so be it. Who am I to argue?
Much peace to you as well,
Lisa