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My son was born seven years today. He died the next day and the pain still remains.
This afternoon, the wife and I plus our children Carl and Mary(Jenni is at college now) will go to the cemetary to put flowers on Daniel's grave. Tomorrow morning a mass will be said for Daniel.
I wrote a story dedicated to my son. If anyone missed it, it is here.
The latest chapter of Duty Honor Country Family is up. I got 8.5 pages written for part 16 but I have a couple of busy days ahead of me. My goal is to post another chapter next month.
Comments
After seven years?
You lost a one day old baby, seven years ago, and you're still in mourning, why?
Sure, it is terrible to loose a child, but by seven years you should be over it. He wasn't even here long enough for you to know him.
It just doesn't seem healthy to me to mourn a stranger that long.
Mr. Ram
Your comment breaks my heart...
...this is cruel, and you should be ashamed of yourself. My wife and I lost four to miscarriages while being blessed with our 20 year old son. Should I forget the promise and hope we enjoyed when we discovered that we were going to have a child? Should my daughter for that is who she was, mean any less because she didn't survive? Should our other babies mean any less because they never saw the light of day. I would be worried if someone had invested months of hopes and plans and dreams and did not mourn.
You can never know someone else's pain and loss, and I would hope to God that you never do! You can never know the heartache of looking around a table which should be filled with laughing children, only to see one child, whom you still live more than your own life, but who cannot remove the grief you feel for the other four. I am sorry if I offended you by my remark, but a tearful plea for support by a grieving parent should never be met with such a remark, never. Andrea Lena DiMaggio
Love, Andrea Lena
Not ashamed
My wife and I did loose a son, he was stillborn. He had no potential, his internal organs didn't form properly and he died. We didn't name him, giving him a name would have only prolonged the grief. He was on our minds a lot for maybe a year afterwards, but two years later we had a girl and she took up most of our energy.
I discussed this with my wife before I wrote this, she said that she only thinks of him when I mention it, which is hardly ever.
Her sister had a boy who died of meningitis, thirty years ago, and she still grieves. It destroyed her marriage. She bawls every time his name is mentioned even after thirty years! She had three daughters who are very successful! Her ex-husband is a great guy who didn't deserve the grief he got, and still gets, from his ex-wife over the unfortunate death of their son. Extended mourning is a sickness, nothing good can come of it!
I've lost four grandparents, my father, many friends, three great dogs and two good cats, I think of them waaay more than my unnamed son.
I'm over the deaths of all my family members and pets, I still miss them, because I knew them. The stillborn boy, I didn't know, I rarely think of him.
Danielle and her family have to get over it and move on!
Mr. Ram
I'm sorry, Mr. Ram, but your
I'm sorry, Mr. Ram, but your comment was completely out of line. Even if you have had such an experience.
First off, Danielle did not say they did not move on, what she said was that there was still some pain, and that as a family they choose to go to her grave and place flowers in memory of her, that does not seem unreasonable grief to me, nor does it seem like not moving on.
She was blogging about a personal part of her life, and she did not deserve to be chastised by it. If you feel the way you do about it you should have kept it to yourself.
There is a time and a place for criticism, and this wasn't it.
Kristy.
Aww c'mon!
Did you even read Danielle's post? It's obvious that she hasn't gotten over it, she hasn't moved on!
Seven years? That's dwelling on it.
Mr. Ram
I read it more clearly then
I read it more clearly then you apparently.
Get over yourself.
Kristy
just an opinion
Danielle:
I am sorry for you pain. I cannot know how it is for you, and though sympathy from a stranger is next to useless, that is all I have to give. Hopefully you can indeed move on, and grow stronger from this. As they say, that which does not break us make us stronger.
Mr. Ram:
As I understand it, you are saying that, since the child never knew potential, and never had an opportunity to be in this world, that child is not worthy of being mourned. Is that what you are saying?
Kindness is indeed in short supply. Imagine statements like, "I'm over the deaths of all my family members and pets" and "Danielle and her family have to get over it and move on!" If you are playing with your words so that you are trying to appear you are giving "tough love" or something, all that you are accomplishing is that you are showcasing your boorishness. Who are you to be able to say such a thing to a stranger? Who are you to be able to trivialize another's pain? What arrogance! And what inhumanity! Pets? Pets!?! Such words come only from psychopaths (and I use the word in it's clinical definition - "A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse")
If indeed your goal was to get Danielle and family to move on, this is not the way. Unless your means of doing so is to get them mad at you and in this way they get over their pain by being angry at you, then I dare say mission accomplished, sir.
If you indeed want Danielle to move on, surely you can do it in another manner.
But who are we to curtail your display of boorishness and insensitivity.
There is a time for mourning...
And that ends after a couple of years, max. After that, you should get help.
>"As I understand it, you are saying that, since the child never knew potential, and never had an opportunity to be in this world, that child is not worthy of being mourned. Is that what you are saying?"<
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Yes, after a reasonable amount of time, seven years is not reasonable.
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>"Kindness is indeed in short supply. Imagine statements like, "I'm over the deaths of all my family members and pets" and "Danielle and her family have to get over it and move on!" If you are playing with your words so that you are trying to appear you are giving "tough love" or something, all that you are accomplishing is that you are showcasing your boorishness. Who are you to be able to say such a thing to a stranger? Who are you to be able to trivialize another's pain? What arrogance! And what inhumanity! Pets? Pets!?! Such words come only from psychopaths (and I use the word in it's clinical definition - "A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse)"<
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I am someone who has gotten over such pain, and I did it by not dwelling on it. Do you speak from experience? I don't think so!
Yes, I care more for my pets than I do for people who I don't know. To me, all life is important, but the lives I know are more important to me than those I don't know. I don't differentiate between people and animals, Their lives are both just as important, but the ones I know are more precious, to me!
Back to the point. Seven years of grieving? That's just too much!
Mr. Ram
Why don't you admit you don't understand
And let it go?
Insisting on your point of view when so many people are disagreeing with you may be an indication that you have a misunderstanding.
Please, let it go.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Ummmmm
You should step back and allow each his or her own method to grieving. I remember to this day the birth of my child, and as I held him in my hands, and looked at his face, I realized I knew him ... it was then I understood some of what any woman who carries a child will always understands ... you treasure the growth, the awakening, the awareness of each child as you carry the infant in your womb.
My prayers go out to you. Please think before you post something like this again. It does not help anyone. Least of all the family that still misses their son/brother. God's grace and peace to all.
Kendra
With All Due Respect, Mr.Ram...
...your comment has nothing to offer anyone. You should keep opinions like that to yourself, imho.
Blessings to you, Daniel and your family hun
I never had any children, nore have I lost any children, but I lived in my mothers shadow. I was the first born, to my mum and dad, though she she terminated the one before me when she was 16/17 (her mother's orders), after I was born nearly a year later came my brother Thomas Ryan Fletcher, he was born a still born. Even though after him my sister was born, mum always grieved still does, going on 20 or so years she still grieves. Like she said A mother always grieves for a loss of a child, it's just the nature of motherhood. Mum rarely goes to his grave, however when she does she does alone. Dad and I usually go together, and sometimes my sister tags along. When I visit his grave, I usually say this blessing for him.
long instilled peace,
In death as a child a fairie you became
you make the plants and flowers grow,
and bring the seasons change.
You bring forth love as a charrob, with one arrow of Eros
Your always in our hearts, with eternally happy freedom.
With Love and Light, and Smiles so Bright!
Erin Amelia Fletcher
With Love and Light, and Smiles so Bright!
Erin Amelia Fletcher
Danielle, losing a child is
Danielle, losing a child is probably the hardest thing a parent can ever have happen. Very sorry to hear you have had that experience.
Mr. Ram, that was not a 'stranger' that died. That small baby named Daniel was a blessing from the spirits, a small package of hope and joy that should have had the chance to explore the wonders of life while holding his parents hands. Sadly, too many children don't get that chance. Cherish every child you meet and give thanks to the creator that we are able to share some of a childs joy in just being a child.
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
Danielle's feelings are undestandable
Their child who died from a massive infection less than a day afer birth was an unexpected preganacy, a gift.
Due to the many treatments Danielle had to control an agressive melanoma -- the NASTY kind of skin cancer -- the doctors thought there was little chance they could conceive again. To have a child when the doctors say you can't, when they say you have late stage cancer and may die and then to loose that precious life. Seven years is a long time and yet a blink of an eye.
I'll need to re-read from Firecracker on, Danielle, as I was remiss in following this story last year, lots of changes at work with a merger and all. So happy to see you writing again and that your family prospers.
Your stories are often long but rich in details and characters, a feast for a patient reader. I am so happy to have on occassion been a test reader for you.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
veering toward unpleasant
Slow it up people!!
Loss is something we all know in some form and I guess we all deal with it in our own way, similar perhaps though not always. I have no idea what the loss of a child would be like except in abstract but I can imagine it. A father as I might have been or a mother as I never can.
I do not detect a dwelling unhealthily in this post just a remembrance of an anniversary with as I think is reasonable some sorrow and pain. Lets not get narky over some perception as to what is or is not reasonable. Danielle and family have their grief and who am I to say they should not. A silent thought in a quiet reflective moment or a teary flower-full tribute at a grave site. How it works for those at the time, either way.
Let's not argue something like this huh.
Kristina