I whispered the wish again. I had long since stopped believing in wishes and faeries and all the silly things a child -- girl or boy -- were supposed to still hold dear to heart as fact at an age most thought quite sad. Over a decade ago. Harsh for a 17-year old to realize. But if the opportunity presented itself, I'd make the wish. Every time. Just in case.

Of course, voicing the wish always made the cold feeling take my stomach again. It wasn't a difficult wish... but I knew it would never really come true.

But that wouldn't stop me from making it.

My shoes crunched as I shuffled through the grass that had fallen frozen with dew in the after-sunset temperature drop. I could see my breath. I jammed my hands in the pocket of my pullover hoodie and turned my gaze from the sky.

Mom looked up at me, but didn't say anything as I walked in the front door and started kicking the snow off my boots. My little sister smiled, but I think she could tell I was in a bad mood because she went back to watching whatever inane tweeny show on the Disney Channel she had been absorbed in before I got there.

I was in such a bad mood. I hate being in a bad mood.

I tromped up to my attic bedroom -- at least I had some privacy. I threw myself onto my bed and stared at the sloping ceiling as I began to consider and worry the largest problem in my life at current.

The Spring Dance.

It wasn't long before I would have to make a decision.

Am I a slightly geeky (okay, I can dream that it's only slightly) boy that's going to ask the slghtly geeky girl he's been flirting with for three years (since 8th grade History) to be his date...

Or...

Am I a freaky and geeky girl-that-everyone-knows-as-a-boy lesbian that's going to hope that the slightly geeky girl she's been flirting with since moving to town is okay with being a lesbian and will consent to accompany her as part of this town's first 'official' lesbian couple?

Or...

Or am I the moody androgyn that no one is sure about and frankly rather frightens most other students that will attend the Spring Dance solo and not dispel any questions about gender...

Or...

Am I the creepy kid that silently rages against the establishment (at least in the eyes of the peer group) and will boycott the event in protest -- not because of a lack of date?

I looked in the mirror and was both elated and scared out of me geeky little mind. Mom hadn't said anything weird, just... said before I made a decision, and before I told my father my decision especially, she wanted to take me shopping for a suitable dress for the dance. Then, if I decided to be the me that she and my sister knew about... and decided to ask Maja to the Spring Dance as the real me... I'd be prepared already for the fallout.

My mother had taken me dress shopping.

Formal dress shopping.

And she acted, well, cool about it. Like this wasn't the first time she'd taken a teenager out to look for a formal gown. Like she was bored with it. At least, she had when the staff of the shop had been there. She'd even remembered to call me Heather instead of Donovan. When the salesgirls had wandered off giggling at what they thought was my being picky, Mom would lean close and tell me how exciting it was to finally get to do something special with her eldest daughter.

I wasn't being picky, I just had no idea what I was doing.

But... it looked like we had found it. Not to be a drama-llama, but... we'd found THE dress.

I was sure of it.

I was ecstatic.

I was about to faint.

I sat there, literally dumbfounded. Maja looked about as scared as I know I am. She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, and I sat on the edge of the recliner. She had just asked me to the Spring Dance.

As her girlfriend.

What the hairy heck?

Apparently, she'd known there was something 'different' about me. And she'd picked up that I was moving toward making it public. So she took matters into her own hands and showed up at my door to ask me something important.

And when Mom and Petra had left the room (I knew they were in the kitchen with cups pressed against the door, but I'd tell them anyway and Maja didn't have to know) she kind of gathered her courage and asked me if I was straight or if I liked girls.

I answered before I realized what she'd said.

Tricky girl. I'm pretty sure I'm falling hard and fast for her.

Turns out she'd seen me and Mom the day we went dress shopping. We went 90 miles away so I wouldn't be recognized, but she was visiting someone with her family there that day and had recognized me anyway.

After I haltingly accepted her invitation, she asked to see my gown so she could color match.

Surreal.

So far, so good. Spring Dance minus twelve days and my first day at school as Heather. Only one teacher so far even halfway slipped, but she recovered and nothing happened.

It's crap dealing with the thickheads, though.

I'm a sissy.

I'm a fag.

I'm ... many things worse.

At least no one's gotten physical.

Yet... scary thought.