Sarah and Jill explore their feelings, and the band performs. Will they hear from Dave again?

Changing Keys, Part 3
By Jillian

As Sarah silently looked into my eyes, I tried to fathom what she was thinking. My mind ran through the gamut of possibilities, and I wasn’t sure if I should be thrilled or devastated by her indecision.

Finally, she spoke, “I don’t know. I will admit to having some feelings for you, but like I said, I’ve never been into girls. I know that doesn’t seem like much of an answer but . . . .” she allowed the thought to drift off into silence.

“Believe me, I know how weird this seems. I’m still trying to make sense of things myself.” I took her hand in mine and gazed into her eyes. “I sensed something between us this week, and especially last night after the gig. If I was wrong, just say so, and I’ll let it drop, okay?” There, I put it back in her court.

It wasn’t difficult to see the confusion swimming in her eyes as she processed all of this. I sat as patiently as I could manage as her heart and mind tried to make some sense of the situation. Several times, she looked like she was going to speak, but always stopped short.

Finally, I broke the silence, “Sarah, there’s no hurry. Take as much time as you want to think about things. I’ll be here when you have things figured out.” I released her hand, stood up, and started to leave the room.

“Don’t go,” she said as I took my first steps. I turned back to face her. “I’m not sure how to say this.”

I returned to my previous seat and looked into her eyes again. “Whatever it is, just say it.”

She took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “We’ve known each other for a while now, haven’t we?”

“A couple of years, I suppose. Not that we’ve had that many opportunities to hang out together before this week.” It was true. She’d been playing with Jen for a couple of years, and whenever I was in town, I’d hang out with her band.

“I remember the day we met for the first time. I saw you as you walked into the living room that day as we were setting up for practice. I remember thinking, ‘He’s cute. A little feminine for my tastes, but . . . .’”

She took another deep breath, then continued. “We got to know each other, and I will even go so far as to admit to being attracted to you back then. In fact, I was almost gutted when I found out about Jill.”

I sat there in a stunned silence. This was all news to me. How had I managed to miss this? I decided to interject, “I had no idea.”

“Well no, you wouldn’t. I made sure not to tell anyone. I had just found what my heart was telling me might very well be the perfect guy, and then the next thing I know, I find out you wanted to be a woman.”

She looked away for a moment, then back into my eyes before finally settling her gaze on her hands in her lap. “I guess the truth is, those same feelings are still there, only they’re all jumbled up. There’s part of me that is just plain scared by the prospect of getting involved with you as more than a friend.”

I looked at her for, I don’t know, maybe a minute, maybe ten years. It was hard to tell at that point, as it felt like time stopped. I finally reached out and with my fingers on her chin, gently urged her to return her gaze to me.

“If I had been less self absorbed back then…” I let that thought die before restarting. “What if we just go really slow, and see what happens?”

She remained silent for what seemed like forever before finally responding, “Okay, I’d like that.”

I once again moved in closer to her and leaned in to give her another tender kiss. As our lips met, my contact with the outside world was gone for who knows how long, until I heard Shelly clear her throat and say, “Okay, break it up in here!”

We slowly pulled our lips apart and smiled at each other. It took a moment or so for the embarrassment to set in as we both diverted our eyes downward.

Jen was the next to speak, “Now that that’s settled, anyone want something to eat before we get ready for tonight?”

She and Shelly went into the kitchen to investigate the fridge, while Sarah and I remained seated facing each other. I don’t know about Sarah, but I was pretty sure that simply being this close to her could sustain me for a week or two at least, but finally good sense prevailed and I piped in, “I’ll take a sandwich.”

Sarah added, “Sure Jen. Whatever you have is fine.”

A few minutes later, we were all gathered round the dining table, having been joined by new arrival Annie. After sharing a small meal of sandwiches and chips, Jen returned to her room along with Shelly, while I took the rehearsal room to get changed. Annie had arrived dressed for the gig, and Sarah surprised me by following me into the rehearsal room to also get changed.

I suddenly felt very shy about changing in front of her, but her response to that was, “You don’t have any parts I’ve never seen before. Just a slightly different combination,” she giggled as she began changing her clothes.

I’m sure that were it not for the fact that my male parts hadn’t functioned in quite some time thanks to my hormone treatments, my reaction to seeing this lovely woman change in front of me would have been embarrassing, to say the least.

But, since that didn’t happen, I managed to refocus my attention to my task at hand, and began changing into a denim skirt and tank top. Once again opting for my wedge sandals, I looked up to see Sarah just finishing with her makeup, as I was ready to begin mine.

Not that I was going to wear much. The fact was, other than some lipstick and eyeliner; I wasn’t planning on wearing much more than a little powder to even out my face tone. I’ve always sweated a lot when playing under stage lights, so anything more than that bare minimum would be at best a waste and at worst would look like a bad joke.

Ready at last, Sarah gave me a quick kiss and we headed back out into the living room where the others were also ready to head out. We had decided to ride together tonight, since the parking was not the most accommodating.

So, we all piled into Shelly’s van and rode the thirty minutes to the club, where we parked in back and entered through the delivery entrance, which came in right beside our ‘dressing room’ door.

After unpacking and tuning the guitars, we were all ready to get started, although we still had a few minutes before we were expected on stage. We sat there for a moment before Shelly broke the silence. “Ya know, I was thinking maybe we should put ‘Lenny’ on the set list. It went over so well last night, other than with that jerk that left…”

Jen added, “Plus, it gives me a few minutes to rest my throat. Let’s put it in the fourth set, about halfway through.”

I simply nodded, knowing that at this point there really wasn’t much sense in trying to dissuade them, as it appeared they’d already made up their minds. Besides, why would I want to? As everyone got up to head out on stage, Sarah took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze as she moved in close and whispered in my ear, “Break a leg!”

We switched positions so I could have her ear, and I said, “You too.”

Never one to pass up an opportunity to give someone a hard time, Shelly chimed in, “Hey, none of that here. Keep your paws to yourselves!”

We couldn’t help ourselves, and both of us started giggling. It took a few seconds to regain some sense of control, by which time we were due on stage. Everyone filed out and toward the steps, me next to last in line just in front of Jen. As we climbed onto stage, we all took a quick glance at the crowd, and to my great relief, there was no Dave.

I half expected him to show up again just to give me a hard time. He had always been rather closed minded, but then again so were the other guys I had been working with. You know, the kind of people who think Rush Limbaugh is too liberal.

We quickly got plugged in, and after a brief tuning check were ready to get started. My sister and I had never been what you’d call conventional in any way, and that applied to song selection as well, which was in evidence right away this night when we started the proceedings with Janet Jackson’s ‘Black Cat’.

I know I was feeling much more comfortable than I had been the night before thanks to not having to contend with pissed off former band mates, and I’m fairly certain that feeling came through in the sound. Whereas the night before my fingers felt like they were weighed down with lead, this time they were flying as if they were practically weightless.

We concluded the first set with the first of our originals for the evening, playing “Let Go Of Yesterday”. I played the intro, and by the time Jen’s vocal started I was in full David Gilmour mode.

Long ago you said goodbye
After all this time you’d think I’d realize
That you’re not comin’ back again
It’s a fight that I can’t win…

This song was a unique combination of intense yet laid back, in a way not unlike Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”, and that’s the way I played it, with each line of the vocal echoed by a line from the guitar.

Yesterday is dead and gone
I can’t remember where I started from
I look in the mirror, I don’t know
Where it is I need to go…

The intensity grew as we moved into the chorus.

I’ve been wanderin’ through my life
No destination in sight
No reason left to fight…
Now I’m lookin’ for a way to let go of yesterday…

The guitar counterpoint to the vocal built until at the end of the chorus it broke into a singing solo that carried that intensity through a statement of the verse chord progression and gently eased back as the vocal returned for the next verse.

Since that day you said goodbye
I’ve been lost and I can’t figure why
Too afraid to look ahead
I was lookin’ back instead…

Again, the song began gradually building up the intensity of the vocal/guitar duet.

It’s time for me to move along
I’ve been weak but now I must be strong
Like gaining sight when you were blind
It took a while for me to find…

The second statement of the chorus brought with it a return to the full intensity of the first.

I’ve been wanderin’ through my life
No destination in sight
No reason left to fight…
Now I’m lookin’ for a way to let go of yesterday…

Again, the interplay between voice and guitar built until it overflowed at the end of the chorus, where the guitar burst into the same singing line I’d played the first time. The only difference came toward the end of the verse, where instead of letting it die down gracefully, I metaphorically pushed the pedal down a bit more, driving the song into one last statement of the verse.

This final verse carried in it’s lines all the angst, anger, sadness, and fear I’d carried around with me all my life, mixed with the joy and love of life I now felt having finally found myself. The song eventually returned to Earth as the flame gradually died down until all that remained was one sustained guitar note, supported by a soft organ chord that slowly faded to nothing.

As we climbed off stage after that first set, I felt like I’d been playing for hours already, I was so drained. But at the same time, I felt invigorated in a way that only reaching deep within and exposing your emotional self can bring.

I had seriously wanted to disappear into the back room to recuperate but that was not to be, as it seemed some of our ‘fans’ wanted the privilege of buying us all a round of drinks. We commandeered a table to the side of the stage, and the waitress brought us each our usual beverages of choice, mine being a diet coke. It’s not that I’m anti alcohol, rather that I find it easier to do my job well if I have my wits about me, and drinking tends to interfere with that.

A group of guys came over to our table to compliment us on the set, and no doubt try to make some headway on a more personal level. We politely chatted with them for a bit, then excused ourselves for a run at the ladies room before time to return to work.

Over the course of the evening, I did flub a few things, as I was feeling confident enough to try a few things I wouldn’t ordinarily do, but overall the band, and my playing in particular, sounded much better than the night before.

At least that was until about halfway through the fourth set, when we noticed a tussle at the back of the bar. I knew immediately who it was and what they were doing, but I suspect I was the only one in the know until one of them spoke up loudly enough to be heard over the crowd as they responded to the song that had just finished.

“You mean you quit the band so you could go be a chick?” was the first comment I could clearly make out from the altercation near the door. The voice was unmistakable. It was Billy Joe, the lead singer of ‘Kentucky Straight’. I should have been able to recognize the voice, as I’d heard it enough over the past year and a half. “I always knew you were a fruit, ya pansy!”

Dave was the next one I made out, as he shouted, “Yo Jill, where’s Jack?”

“Listen girlie, why don’t ya come take care of me after you’re done here?” I recognized that voice, but couldn’t place a name with it at the moment. “I always knew you wanted it.” Then it hit me. That was Terry, the bass player.

The confidence I had felt all evening long evaporated the instant I heard those voices. I was terrified they might decide to do something physical because they were so mad at me for quitting, leaving them in the lurch as they saw it. Not to mention the over the top homophobic responses I knew would be coming if I ever had to face them in a more private setting as Jill.

As soon as we knew what was happening, we started the next song as quickly as we could, and while we were all obviously distracted, we tried our best not to let it effect how it sounded. However, their continued barbs could still be made out in the background of the music…

“Oh, come on! Can’t you tell that’s a guy?”

“I oughta kick that damned faggot’s ass!”

“Yo Jack, why don’t ya come play with this?”

By the time we were well into the song, the verbal assault had stopped, replaced by the sound of tables and chairs being tossed around, and breaking glass. Eventually, the patrons in question were escorted from the premises, and by halfway through the song, which happened to be ‘Complicated’, they were no longer in the building. Despite that, I was still shaking hard enough that playing was, shall we say, difficult. All of a sudden, I had reverted to my form from the night before.

We finished out the evening without further incident, and retired to the ‘dressing room’, where we were eventually joined by the club manager. He entered the room, closing the door behind him. “So, what was that all about?”

He knew that we knew exactly what he meant, so playing dumb was not in our best interests. Jen was the first to find her voice in response, “They used to play with Jill. She quit their band to come play with us, and they’re kinda pissed off about the whole deal.”

“I gathered that part. It’s the other I’m having some trouble with. They kept going on about Jill being a guy.”

I finally found my own voice. After all, this was my mess, and I’d best own up to it. “Well, technically that’s true.”

“This isn’t a gay club,” he said with more anger than I’d expected. “What the hell did you think you were doing?”

Jen once again took on the roll of spokesperson. “We thought we were getting a great guitar player, who just happens to be one of the most feminine people I’ve ever met.”

I sat there unable to speak, and finally broke down in tears over his reaction. Sarah was immediately at my side, offering comfort as Jen and Shelly persuaded the manager to leave with them so they could talk. I don’t know exactly what happened or how long things took, but the next thing I was aware of was being held by Sarah, with Annie close by.

Jen and Shelly did finally return, and from the looks on their faces they seemed satisfied with the outcome of their conversation. It seemed that for once, logic had won out over homophobia, as the fact that the cash registers had been busier the last couple of nights than they had been in weeks was deemed more important than having to forcibly escort a couple of rowdy drunks outside because they took issue with the entertainment.

Jen had secured the assurance that the doormen would be informed not to allow Dave or Billy Joe back inside, so I could rest relatively easy in the thought that there shouldn’t be any more incidents like the one this evening. We packed up the guitars and headed out back to make our way home.

That ease I had so recently acquired was short lived, as we got to Shelly’s van and found that several of the windows had been broken.

“At least they didn’t slash the tires,” Shelly joked as we climbed in, brushing chunks of glass out of the seats so we could sit down for the drive home.

“I’m so sorry you guys. This is all my fault,” I said as I buried my face in Sarah’s shoulder and started crying.

By the time we got home, we were all numb from the cold. Annie said her goodbyes as soon as we got there and took off in her car on her way to her warm husband and equally warm bed, while the rest of us went inside to attempt to warm up a bit. Jen headed straight for the kitchen to make up some hot chocolate, Shelly and Sarah took seats at the table, and I disappeared into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

A few minutes later, I was back with the others, minus the bar smell but changed into my most modest girls sleepwear, as a piping hot chocolate was set in front of me.

I took one sip and smiled. When I looked around the table, I could see that the beverage was being met with similar greetings at all corners. We all sat there enjoying the taste and aroma in silence for a few minutes, until Jen broke the quiet by saying, “Jill, would you take care of anyone who wants a refill while I zip off to the shower?”

“Sure, no problem.”

Jen disappeared, wanting to restore herself to a more human state. Meanwhile, I went to the kitchen and got everyone refills. Once back at my place, I looked at the girls and said, “I’m so sorry. I never should have…”

Sarah cut me off, “Enough of that. You’re not the one who owes apologies here.”

“That may very well be, but…”

“She hasn’t started back in with the sorries, has she?” Jen piped in as she returned from the shower.

Shelly answered her question, “Well, duh. What did you expect? You are related, after all.” As she finished her statement, she got up from the table and headed, I presumed, for the bathroom. Moments later, I heard the shower running once again, and knew that Shelly was planning on staying the night with my sister.

I’d known for years that they would occasionally spend the night together, but never really felt it my place to ask if it was anything more than a platonic sleepover. Now, however, I was suddenly intrigued…and then a little grossed out at the same time by my own curiosity.

When Shelly emerged sporting her own nightclothes, Jen surprised me by asking Sarah, “Did you want to clean up a bit?”

“If it’s no trouble,” Sarah tentatively answered.

“Jill, why don’t you show Sarah where the towels and things are?” It may have been worded like a question, but there was no question in my mind that this was more than just a suggestion.

I led Sarah to the linen closet, and as I opened the door to retrieve a towel for her, she moved in close and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t know what overcame me at that moment, but I asked her, “Would you like to stay the night? I don’t really have a bed, but I’d be more than happy to share the sofa.”

She nodded her head yes, then we started giggling for a moment before some sense of sanity returned to us as I helped her prepare for her shower.

While she washed away the remnants of our evening’s labors, I thought about why I’d asked her to stay. I really hadn’t even cast a single thought toward sex, but I could understand how the invitation might have been construed that way. I came to realize that I simply wanted to get to know as much as possible about this woman, and thought we might be able to talk some more about things.

We ‘borrowed’ some sleepwear from Jen’s room, and while Sarah got herself ready, I gathered up everyone’s smelly clothes and carted them off to the laundry room. Once sorted, I threw in the first load and returned to the living room just in time to find Sarah exiting the bathroom.

Apparently, while I was preparing the laundry, Jen and Shelly disappeared into Jen’s room, leaving Sarah and I to our own devices. We converged on the sofa at more or less the same time, and took seats very close to one another.

“So, feeling any better now?” I asked.

“Much. It always feels good to get that smell washed off, ya know?”

“Oh, yes,” I said, the beginnings of a giggle bubbling it’s way to the surface. I stifled that urge, and asked, “Would you like to hear a new song I just wrote?”

She seemed to suddenly glow with pride at the notion that she might be one of the first to ever hear this new creation, and quietly said, “I’d be honored.”

I quickly retrieved my acoustic from the corner, then returned to my place, then proceeded to play for her ‘All I’m Asking’. If anything, it took on an even more delicate tone than it had the night before. Maybe that was due to the fact that I was now playing it in front of the person for whom it had been written. I tried not to come right out and tell her that part for fear the knowledge might seem a bit overwhelming.

Once the song ended, Sarah looked into my eyes for a moment, before looking away in what could only be viewed as embarrassment. I was fairly certain she knew she was the subject of this opus, but I was having great difficulty reading her reaction to it.

I asked, “What’s wrong?” as I set aside the guitar.

She looked back at me once again and said, “I told you how I had a crush on Jack a long time ago. You know, in a lot of ways, I miss Jack.”

I tried not to allow the intense sadness I felt at her statement show on my face, but I’m pretty sure I failed miserably. I finally managed to pull myself together enough to reply, “Sometimes I do too.”

“Do you ever have second thoughts about the course you’ve chosen? Why not go back?”

“Because the life I have as Jill is so much better than anything I ever experienced as Jack. That is, of course, ignoring those jerks I used to play with. Before, I never felt like I belonged anywhere or with anyone. I feel like I belong here with Jen and all of you. Especially you.” I tried to communicate with my eyes just how deeply my feelings ran for this woman. Whether I succeeded or not, I couldn’t tell.

She stared into my eyes for an eternity before finally speaking, “I don’t understand how I’m feeling about all this. I know you’re technically the same person you were before. I can see the same caring, loving nature, and even physically, though there are some differences, you’re still basically the same as you were before. I already told you how I felt about you before, but for some reason, there’s just something in the back of my head that’s making me hold back. I’m sorry.”

She scooted away from me to the other end of the sofa, leaving me in stunned silence. I looked at her and felt a few tears escape my eye, then more and more. I fought the temptation to flat out bawl, and managed to remain silent as the tears rolled down my cheeks for several minutes. I knew I dared not turn my gaze away from her, for fear I could no longer control my desire to bellow in pain and sorrow.

She was looking directly at me, and I could see that she too was crying silently. We sat there like that for what seemed like days, just staring at each other as we silently cried in longing.

I was shocked when Sarah finally broke our silence, saying, “I hope you don’t hate me, but I just don’t think I can do this. I do love you…like a sister.”

I knew this was a possibility, so why was I surprised? Did I really expect her to ignore the fact that I was turning myself into something she’d never been attracted to, just because I loved her? What could I say?

Finally, I just said, “I love you too,” and then we drifted off to sleep, curled up at opposite ends of the sofa.