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Somehow my muse has gotten me to examine the normalicy of interpersonal relationships as far as ones parents are concerned. In reading a story recently I found the author was extremely distraught over the loss of her parents; it took months for her to begin to function relatively normally again.
My relationship with my parents was such that I did not really feel much at the death of my biological parents. Oh, I was and am sorry for the painful lives that they led but that is about it. Upon finding out about the death of my step father, I actually said, "good, now he can't hurt anyone else".
Now, the loss of my own spouse was a much different matter. That took a couple years and the shadow of the loss is still seen in my life once in a while.
There must be a range of normal emotion in there somewhere, or not. I'd really be interested in reading about how the loss of one close to you affected you.
Many Blessings
Gwen
Comments
It's so long since ...
... my mother died in 1944 that I can no longer remember how distressed I was. However children recover quickly and I can no longer remember which of my memories is real and which are constructs of what I was told about her. A 4 year old has limited memory to work on. My father died more recently but he was ready and bored. He wanted to die and, although it upset me at the time it's had no lasting effect because it was timely. My step mother died more recently. As an adult, I admired her courage in taking on a 7 year old who initially resented her taking so much of my father's attention but, although I respected her, I didn't love her and her death affected me very little. Her own children, my half siblings, of course, were much more affected. I felt slightly guilty but I couldn't help my feelings. We're a friendly but not a very close family; we often go weeks or even months without any contact at all.
I've been more affected by other deaths, those of friends taken before their proper time. One, the victim of a hit and run drunk driver when she was cycling with her husband, was pretty bad but the worst was her husband's 10 year old daughter when he re-married. She was born with cystic fibrosis which overcame her sooner than we thought.
A death I know I will find it impossible to overcome should she die first would be that of my wife. It's more likely that I'll die first but her loss would totally destroy me. I just hope I'll be so old I won't be around too long myself should the worst happen.
I have no belief in any sort of after life and I'm comfortable with that. I don't recall any existence before birth; I don't expect any problems with non-existence after death.
Geoff
loss of my grandfather
I can relate. In my case, the only family member I've really known that has died thus far was my grandfather. I felt like a monster throughout that time, because I felt nothing at all. Granted, we really didn't have a close relationship to speak of, but he was a part of my life at every holiday I ever had, growing up. I kept expecting that I'd feel something during, or even after, his funeral - but I never did. I've often thought about the fact that people around me might die, and with the exception of my mother, I've usually concluded that I have no real emotional response to these things at all.
I'm actually a highly sensitive and emotional person, but somehow the idea of life and death just has no real importance to me (including my own). Maybe it's because I'm not religious in the slightest. Even with my mother, as important as she is in my life, the emotions I would feel would be more about my own lack rather than regret for her own passing. I wouldn't want anyone to be emotional or sad if I died, either.
I don't view people as solid entities with singular, fixed cores. To me, people are just a collection of habits and tendencies. It makes for unique people, surely, but I don't view people as having any "single" thing which has left the world. "Bob" is just a label describing an arrangement. Those flowers may wilt, but the individual flowers are still present scattered across the planet. It's more just that a particular kind of pattern is no longer expressing itself. It may sound like I'm just mincing words, but that's truly how I look at the matter.
I care a lot more *how* a person is or even was than whether they *are* or not.
Grand Parents
Gwen; I kind of know what you mean - The ones I probally miss more than anything is my Dad's Parents, I was closest to my grandmother then probally anybody else an I still miss her to this day. My parents were devorice back in the middle sixties and because we lived in a house behind my grandparents house she was the one whom usually baby sat us when I was young. My mothers mom died when she was young so never met her and her Dad lived in Oregon and I only met him and my step grandmother when we went there in 1955 (Mrytal Point, Oregon). My older Sister died several years ago, the youngest Sister lives in Illinois and my Brother lives in Las Vegas last I heard. After my Grandmother died it just seem everyone went their own way. So it's kind of sad the way life can be. Richard
Richard
For Me There Is Only One That Truly Still Hurts Even Now
Melissa[Prairie Girl] Came here not long ago and was posting the story of her life. That poor girl went through much suffering by men, yet as I commented on each chapter, she would send me a P.M. thanking me for the comment. Soon we were each sending P.M's and she accepted me as a friend which is a miracle since men have hurt her so much. I even posted two of my TransBike stories dedicated to her. When she died, it broke my heart because I wanted to meet this beautiful soul one day. Now her best friend and I P.M. each other and have become friends. So you can indeed meet a special friend here as I have. I will remember Melissa forever.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Parents and Grandparents
I was to young to remember much about when my maternal grandparents passed on, and didn't really have much feeling about it then, I do however remember when my paternal grandmother died in 1968 when i was 15 and felt really bad then.
The absolute worst was when my mother died in 1980, I was unable to be there when she passed and it bothers me to this day. there are still some times when I really wish she was still here so I could get her input on what I am doing and how I should be handling the situations I amd in.
Mommy's birthday was may 14 so when mother's day falls on that day it is really a double loss for me, and is the time of year when I miss her the most.
My daddy is still alive but I just don't have the connection with him that I had with my mom, although I know I will miss him when he is gone.
Melanie
Parents
My mother died when I was in high school... I have to say I haven't come to terms with it yet. It's something I've never felt anything about. I find her difficult to even remember, although she was always there.
Every so often, I think, "I ought to get into that... figure out why I don't feel and don't remember," but then I never do.
It's odd, because she was the one I'd run to, for instance, if I got a bad report card, I'd show it to her, and she'd quickly sign it and make some sort of excuse to my Dad.
One of my older sisters thinks it's because we never knew her as an adult; never saw her as a person like ourselves.
Who knows?
My father, on the other hand, died not all that long ago, and even though I hated him when I was a child (he was quite strict), after I'd grown we got to be friends. As we children gradually moved out, one by one, my father softened, began to relax, and gave more time to his hobbies, to travel, to singing, to bird-watching, and I began to see that all his rigidity and discipline was the only way he knew how to deal with a large family, a difficult job, and continuing his education -- all at a very young age.
Since I come from a big family and a very large extended family (meaning cousins, aunts, uncles, step-relations), I've almost never felt alone in my life, even when I was physically alone.
But after my father died, I had a moment on the Longfellow Bridge here in Boston when it came down upon me and I felt for a few moments, for the first and only time in my life, that I was really and truly alone, with no one behind or above me, no one to turn to if all else failed. There was no one stronger than me any more; now I had to be strong for myself.
For a little while, I used to talk to him, and it felt like he answered me. I didn't do it much or very long, but I guess there was so much of him inside of me that "we" could easily have conversations... I don't know or care whether it was really him or just a psychodrama of my own, but it helped a great deal, and even settled some questions I had.
In the end, I realized that I never could have my father on my terms. He carried a lot of what I wanted from him away with him when he died. That's how life is. I knew he loved me, even if he never said so.