The power was off last night. There was just me and my laptop in the dark, and my mind started to wander around.

Imaginary Conversations I Might Have Had Once, With a Girl

One

Felicia, I know I’m not cool, and I promise I’ll never tell anyone we’re, you know, we have anything going on, but, do you think, I mean, could we just be friends? Friend friends?

Downside risk: Eeww!

Upside possibility: You mean talk and stuff? I s’pose so. [Thinking] Uh, Harry, would you help me with my Algebra?

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Two

Harry, it’s Ceil. Yeah. Look, y’know the Halloween dance?

Uh, huh. Don’t think I’ll go, though.

How come?

I wouldn’t want to go with anyone but you, and you haven’t asked me yet.

You dope! Look, Harry, I’ve got this really neat long dress . . .

Upside possibility: . . . and you are thinking perverse thoughts like what it would look like on me?

How’d you know?

Downside risk: . . . and I was thinking, Harry, you could rent an ape suit, and I could be Fay Wray and you could be King Kong. Wouldn’t that be neat?

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Three

Hey, Chelsea? Congratulations on getting into Wellesley.

You, too, Harry . . . you’re going to Harvard, right?

No, I’ve decided I’m more a Brown U. sort of person.

??

I mean, I have stuff to sort out. Brown’s a more tolerant place, I think.

Like what? Harry, you aren’t a homo, are you?

I don’t think so.

Upside possibility: My mom’s out of town. Come over to my house and we’ll find out.

Downside risk: Um, well, I guess you’ll find out there sooner or later.

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Four

Harry, can I ask you a question?

Uh, sure, fire away.

Why are you always looking at my feet?

(Pause) Well, the truth is, you have beautiful legs.
I mean, you wear short kilts and knee socks all the time and I love the way you look.

(Long, searching look) Are you serious? Is this some kind of fetish?

(Introspective sigh) Maybe.

I mean, do you imagine, do you actually get excited thinking about me in knee socks?

Well, yeah, actually I do, but probably not the way you think.

(Pause) Yeah?

I wish I could wear a kilt and knee socks too.

Upside possibility: O, Jeezus, Harry, is that all?

Downside risk: O, Jeezus. Keep staring at me and my boyfriend will rip you a new asshole.

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Five

Maryam, that was really beautiful.

It was. Why did we wait so long?

I love you, you know.

Yeah? Why did you say that?

I’m have to tell you something. But first I wanted you to know that I’m not a homo.

Harry, what are you trying to say?

It’s just . . . I wish I were a girl too, like you.

Downside risk: O, Jeeezus!

Upside possibility: Harry, you’re crazy? Really?
Like me in particular, or me as a generic girl?

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Join in, folks. Add some of the conversations you never had, either.