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I have a heavy heart, my dear, dear friends...
If you follow my blogs or my little notes at the end of my stories at all, you would know that I live at the precipice of just saying the hell with everything and living as Katie full time and maybe being happy with my life once again. However, the last step is a doozie and I haven't taken it, so I remain trapped between two worlds.
It seems almost a strange twist of fate. A few months ago I was almost in tears because I thought perhaps my friend from high school was no longer with us. I had found his mother and sister on Facebook and any time I asked about him, I didn't get an answer at all and assumed the worst. But then things did a 180, they told me he was alive and well and took my phone number to give to him.
John only knows me as Tiny and being Tiny is something not entirely different than being Katie, other than the fact that Tiny is a dude, and there are certain responsibilities and expectations that go with that. There are things that I don't think I can readily surrender, not quite yet, even though a desperately want to. Friendship is one of those things, even if I have to wear a mask. Since the last "Friends" I told about Katie filed a false police report on me, had me arrested, and robbed me blind, you can see my hesitancy for going forward.
What's that have to do with anything, you might ask. Quite a lot and I am getting to that. The other day, John called me on the phone. We have been talking on the phone, so it wasn't like it was out of the blue or anything unexpected. He had lost his job as an OTR trucker and had no place to go. He had a falling out with his family (boy, don't I know what that is like) and was virtually homeless. I, being who I am, will never allow a friend or even an acquaintance to be homeless. So, of course, I offered John a place to stay for a short while (Since I have someone moving in here in February or March, I made that known to him and we have a cut off day). His fiance is also coming with him. So, here is the deal. He is going to stay here until his fiance (who went back to college) gets her student loans in. I am familiar with the process of getting money back from student loans, I use to get 2 grand myself back each semester for living expenses.
Now. What does all this have to do with Big Closet? Quite a lot, I'm afraid. The computer is hooked up to the big screen television in the living room. Since I only pay for internet (I do get a few channels over the air) it also serves as my gateway to entertainment, meaning I can't simply move it to my bedroom and be done with it. So, I will be deleting all of my transgender bookmarks and removing big closet as my home page. I will probably remain on facebook, but not be as active.
John is currently in California (where his job told him he was fired) and is heading back to Tampa. He will be here on the 23rd, so that will be my last day. I will probably sneak on as often as I dare, but with two people living in my home, that may be impossible. If those other idiots didn't steal everything from me, I would have had the laptop someone had given to me and it really wouldn't have been an issue to sneak on from my bedroom.
I am hoping that I will finish A Patch of Ice Christmas by then. If not, I will find a way to get whatever is left posted just because I could never be so mean.
I will miss you my dear friends. I wish I were stronger for you. I wish I was stronger for myself. I guess for Christmas I get to deny myself my existence and wonder where the fuck is my patch of ice.
Comments
Please be careful
Please be very careful. Dread cautiously. You are a good hearted soul and have been burned before. Also remember, you need to look out for yourself first. This site allows you to be yourself, so you need to find some way to get here.
Good luck.
Rami
RAMI
Caution
In the last 8 years I've had to learn some really painful lessons about who to trust. And, it seems that the people who I feel are most likely to understand are generally the people who do not. For me, those who understand are the ones I least expected to do so.
You may be able to get on BCTS from a public library but then again maybe not. In Ohio, there was no problem at all. Maybe you'd want to avoid anything that was explicit?
Good luck
Gwendolyn
nope
I can't get on at the library or Kinkos. I don't know what Erin is pushing, but filtering software doesn't like it.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
Filtering software
Always sad to see someone leave. I hope you can return soon.
There are ways around web filters. You can use an anonymyzer or a VPN (Virtual Private Network). It used to be VPNs were pay only, but there have been a few free ones crop up in the last few years.
Have delightfully devious day,
Different login accounts
I used a different login account marked work. I also use different web browsers just for these sites, that way I am not dealing with deleting history. Just don't get drunk and forget to log back into your main account.
People say, "You don't know what you had until it's gone." Very true, but also equally true is, "You don't know what you've been missing until is arrives."
You will be missed K.T.
But am hoping that you can return.
May Your Light Forever Shine
As I see it there are a few ways things could go
You can try and hide, and maybe it works for as long as he's there, but the longer he stays, the less likely that works, and even if it does, you pay an huge price psychologically.
You can come out to him, and it goes bad, but maybe since he's in your house and in dire straights you wouldnt have to be a victim, even if the result is he leaves your life.
Or, you can come out to him, its no big deal, and your relationship with him becomes better because you dont have to hide.
Best of luck no matter what.
Dorothy was right
Should have went with this from the first get go. I was looking over my notes and now I know just how wise you are
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
me, wise?
well, there is a first time for everything ...
(giggles)