My other blog should be taken down since I am posting two in a row. I shouldn't have posted what I did and then vanished, not very cool of me. To recap, my mom posted this on Facebook:
One Son.. One Daughter ..1 boy dog 1 girl dog.. and a boy granddog. And I love them all.. Oh.. don't forget the Other son.. My son-in-law Tony
The one son is my brother James, the one Daughter is my sister Cherie and the rest is self explanatory. I don't even get an honorable mention in her little comment about how great her kids are.
I don't want this to bother me, really I don't. I don't want to care. I want to be hard and just as heartless as that bitch has been to me all of my life. But the truth is, it does bother me. It bothers me a lot. It has me bordering on tears, with only spite and anger keeping me from falling apart.
This has nothing to do with me being trans. My mom knows I am trans, but never was able to process it correctly. And I've never been around her long enough for it to be an issue.
My mom has always hated me. I don't know what I've done to her, what wrong I could've done in my infancy or in the womb that deserves for me to be despised so greatly. Every one here knows what that women did to me, you probably just don't realize it. If you look in my stories and read about Sheila (God Bless the Child) and read about Dee, then you have read about my mother. When I wrote at the end of Growing Up Jenny about Dee cutting all the pictures up to remove her son from her photographic life, that was me. I was 9 and God it still hurts. I can still see them. I can remember stuffing my feelings in front of my aunt so it didn't look like I cared, but I would've rather have been thrown off the top of the apartment and onto the pavement. At least that pain would've eventually went away. And what did I do. After the cops threatened to come back and take the door off the hinges, I said 'maybe I should go by Aunt Roe." That mother fucking husband of hers was abusing me and I still tried to protect the bastard and that was my reward.
And here I am. Almost thirty years later. Still that little boy (I was too fucked up to have gender issues back then) who is yearning to be loved and accepted. Knowing that that day will not exist. I am unlovable, untouchable, diseased, a plague to all who get too near. If I had the bravery to kill myself, I would. But rest assured. I am a coward and I will die a cowards death. Alone, probably to be eaten by my cats before anyone even realized I am gone.
I'm so tired of being alone, and I'm too afraid of getting close to anyone. The great mystery of life is that if God is indeed merciful, why can't I just die in my sleep today.
Comments
I wasn't going to respond to
I wasn't going to respond to this. I didn't think I knew what to say, but I came back and read it again and I just can't let it pass by, somebody else's problem. I don't know what you have been through, I don't know what it is like to deal with the things you are dealing with, but I have dealt with crushing depression. I know the pain and despair it brings. I know the feeling that all you want is to get out, get out of everything, get out of life. There are no easy answers for this. If there were my life would be different right now. But I can say one thing, no one is unlovable, no one is untouchable. You are a good and worthy person, and it is important to remember that.
I know your own thoughts are against you right now, you can't get out of your head all the negative words constantly repeating themselves. But you have to try. You have to stop thinking negatively and start thinking positively. I know this sounds like some kind of new age psycho babble, but it's not. It is something that a therapist will tell you to do if you went to one. You have to think good things about yourself even if you don't think they are true at the time. this will stop the negative thoughts from reinforcing the depression and help you start thinking clearly again. You might not be able to start thinking anything good right now, as sunk in depression as you seem to be. But you have to fight it.
I don't know what kind of situation you are in right now, but you need to seek help. You are in a bad way and you can't keep on fighting on your own. I'm not sure what kind of resources there are out there that can help you if you don't have the insurance or money to get help, maybe someone else on here will know. But you can't stay the way you are now. You say you won't kill yourself but like any disease that effects you thought process depression can cloud your judgment and make you slip over that edge. I don't want that. I don't want someone who I don't know but never the less have reach out too to do something like that. I know your pain. I have sate with a razor blade in hand wondering if I was going to go though with it or not. I have felt that there was nothing in the world worth living for and all I was ever going to feel was sorrow. But there is hope out there. There is a chance that tomorrow will be better than today and the next day better still. But you have to work to get that chance. You have to persevere and come out the other side of the shadows.
I don't know if this will help you. I know when I was sunk in the mire of depression it seemed that nothing anyone said had any effect. But I want you to know that I care. I don't know you and will probably never meet you but still I care that you are in pain.
K T should we list the reasons?
Let’s just look at a couple.
First of all, you are here for a purpose and that purpose has yet to be fulfilled or you wouldn’t need to be here. You might never understand what that purpose happens to be but, sometime, somewhere, you are going to touch someone’s life and make a difference.
Secondly, you obviously haven’t learned all you need to learn. You can’t graduate until you pass your finals.
Nearly twenty-five years ago, I worked for a Christian Broadcasting Network. I was the Networks roving engineer. They sent me to all the places we had stations or affiliates who were having major technical problems and expected me to solve them in a week or less. I usually did but that’s not the reason I’m writing this.
While I worked there, there was a nice old gentleman who was loved by practically everyone at the network. He was called a “prayer partner†and knew the bible inside out and probably back to front as well. During the week at lunch time there was a group of people who would go for a walk around the industrial park which bordered the area the network headquarters occupied. The distance was about a mile so it took a bit of time to finish the walk.
One day, he finished the walk half-way. For the next week practically everyone was bemoaning his demise. That’s fine, but we are really moaning for ourselves and not the person who died. After a week of this I was pretty much fed up with the pity party everyone was continuing to hold. Four of the people from across our complex came into the station still moaning about his death. My comment to them was; “Why are you so unhappy? He graduated. He learned what he had to learn and he imparted it to others. We are all better for it and the Lord decided he had done the work he was sent here to do. He graduated to a better place. I suppose when we are able to do whatever we were sent here to learn, then we will graduate too.â€
They all stopped like I had slapped them in the face then big smiles broke out. By the next day everyone was working hard again and glad for our brother in Christ.
Now, for people who don’t believe in God (or any kind of a particular God) this is still applicable. God didn’t say that those who are agnostic nor those who are atheists cannot achieve heaven. It is men (and women) who have said that. All that God (Jesus) said was “believe upon me.†There was no limitation as to whether we had to be alive or not when we did this. There were only a few criteria such as not taking one’s own life, and a little thing “no man shall know the hourâ€.
I may not have my quotes quite right but the gist is there. We have courses to take, lessons to learn and teach before we can graduate. Forgiveness is a part of our lessons and yes it’s bloody difficult to pass that particular test. We were told to turn the other cheek but we weren’t told to be someone’s whipping post.
Sorry for the preaching, I felt I needed to say something because I could feel your pain. The moral is hidden deeply inside this story and there are likely one or two lessons in here too. I suppose Rev. Anam Chara would need to expound on that.
Anesidora
Edit: P.S. Equally obviously I also have some things to learn and teach since I'm still here after 70 some years.
LOL
K.T. the one who needs to
K.T. the one who needs to explain is your mother, not you!!! You have every right to feel as you do, she is not worthy of the title of mother. She may have given birth to you, but your dear aunt is and always will be your mother.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Red headed step child
I had spent a good portion of my adult life trying to appease my mom. I know I was born intersexed, ergo that meant I wasn't perfect. It did not mean I should suffer for being alive.
I was told I was stupid well before I went to school, when my dad died I was told men don't cry. I was thirteen. My step dad used me for my siblings whipping post. If they did something wrong I got beat. I understand the way you feel, one thing I had to learn was to put it all behind me. Become who I am for me, achieve things I want to achieve. I spent twenty years in the Navy, never once did I hear she was proud of me. I went to college and made the National Honor Society her response was any one can do that and why didn't you do that in school?
even when I got married it was no big deal and when my daughter was born,(she was born on my mom and dads Wedding day)no acknowledgment for her new granddaughter.Those things used to get at me. I was doing a lot of suicidal ideation, but fortunately for me all of the adversity came to a stop the day I got arrested for creating a riot. I never figured that out but that was my charge. while I was waiting to see the judge I had time to think. I could not blame anyone but me for my situation and I decided that I was the captain of my own destiny. I realized then that all of my achievements to prove I was worthwhile were for the wrong reason. I only had to prove to me I was worthwhile. Since then I have lived as who I am, things have gotten better and I can be proud of me. I don't have to appease anyone.
"Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind."
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Do not take on what is not yours.
People are not always rational and your mother is even less so. Do not try to reason with the unreasonable. I am trying to speak to your inner child who has been wounded by the insanity your mother wrecked on your fragile soul.You are not the guilty person here you are the survivor of hell and you have fought your way to our holey shrine for healing and love. You will find that here among your sisters and brothers from your family of choice.
My dear one you contain a lot more wisdom than you realize at this time and I feel I speak not only for myself but a large number of our community when I say we share your pain trying to lesson the load on your soul. We do this out of compassion for the wounds you have suffered and the honorably way you have handled this so far in your life. Just now you need to stop turning the rage and anger away from your self into the Earth Who can take the poison and change into back into good energy.
I am here for any PM ing you may want to send to me any time. I lived within the crazy space inside of my fathers mind for a long time and it took me until I was 40 to realize that it was his problem not mine and let it go holding my self blameless for his problem. My family of origin was messed up and not my responciability to fix them it my responciability to fix my self so I do not hurt others due to there Store High In Transit.
We love you just for being here and I feel like you are my sister so you are not alone.
Love and Caring
Misha Nova
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book