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My First Heroine...
There are so many people we can look up to in this community; trend setters and trailblazers and pioneers. That's Anne Heywood; my first heroine isn't a real person, per se, but a character in a movie. Ronnie and I were talking about visits to the library and to books stores and such today, and she explained that she had come across a book in PDF form; I Want What I Want, and that she's saved it on her computer. It tells the story of Roy and his journey to become Wendy. She was looking for the file, but had been unsuccessful. I came across the file in a Google search, and also found an article on the book by Geoff Brown at Wikipedia. In reading the article I (re)discovered that a film was made in 1972. And I wept.
So much of my development as a human being has been shaped by the abuse I suffered as a child. My gender issues were shoved aside by fear and even buried by memory loss and repression.
(See The Invitation http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/30562/invitation )
In 1972, as a twenty-one year old, I was engaged to my first wife when I saw the trailer for the film, I Want What I Want, and I had forgotten about it until Ronnie and I talked about it today. Feelings of shame and guilt flooded back as I felt ashamed to even be curious about the story.
Any time a news story or a movie or a television show depicted a transsexual or any other expression of a feminine nature, I reflexively would turn my head, pretending that I didn't see it. Worse yet, my fear caused me to either laugh or make fun of the subject; pretending it didn't have any meaning for me or that I found it repulsive. Even seeing the trailer for the Christine Jorgensen Story caused me to retreat to my bedroom to hide in shame. A casual viewing of a Medical Center episode while on vacation had me turning the channel hurriedly when my wife entered the motel room, since it guest-starred Robert Reed (Mike from the Brady Bunch) as a transsexual. Fear and shame again... When Ronnie and I talked, it was the first time I had recalled my reaction to the advertisement in thirty-nine years.
It would be interesting to hear from any and all of you who have had similar feelings and reactions. I know now because of how things work that I wasn't so much ashamed as fearful of discovery, since I knew first hand what it was like to reveal even a small part of the girl inside of me. And I know that I had no reason whatsoever to be ashamed because of who I am inside; that I was just being me, and that Anne Heywood...the actress who portrayed Wendy...is an old friend to be welcomed; my heroine so to speak. Thanks for reading! Andrea
Comments
you know how simular our stories are hon
I've talked about both my abuse and the shame I felt that kept Dorothy hidden from the world for far too long. As for heroines - Well, at the risk of giving you a swelled head, you are one of mine.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
I See Many Parallels
I remember many times when the subject of a transgendered person or sex change would show up on TV..'I can't show any interest in this. My interest will give me away. I won't be able to explain it.' The fear of discovery is a very real fear. There was a time when discovery would have meant the end of a military career, with no possible retirement, and no family security. Then it would have meant a sure loss of a job. The people I deal with would never understand what it means to be transgendered. It's getting easier to talk about it at home, but it would be horrible on the outside. Hitting the lottery would have made it easier.
Portia
Portia
I Want What We Want
You have referred to one of the most beautiful British actresses that became a heroine of mine too even though the films I saw were from prior years. She had the figure to die for as a young woman and was so beautiful. Something in her face always seemed to say boy/girl to me and she'd have been the perfect actress to play the thigh slapping characters in the pantomimes that I loved to watch when I was young. These were my first experiences of seeing men dressed as women and women dressed as men that brought out my feelings.
I remember coming across this book at a car boot sale and buying it to add to a collection that for some reason I hid away.
The first book I hid away was called 'The Masqueraders' by Georgette Heyer that intruigued me. Imagine to be able to switch sexes and live both roles like the hero/heroines did.
I guess this encouraged me to explore more. I had many of the features of my mother and often heard that whilst growing up. So it was pretty easy to make myself look like Julie and each time I did I wanted to go one step further.
I could never understand why society could accept a girl dressing in a manly way yet discouraged men to dress in a feminine way. Of course nowadays life is changing and I'm amazed just how many men dress as they like and are accepted as being just a little bit eccentric.
We could assume that you were born ahead of your time. How much different your life might have been had you been born 30 or 40 years later.
I hid my books and my feelings but at least now I've fully accepted that we are all just cocktail mixtures with a bit of this and we are who we are. If we want to express our feminine side we should not feel guilty. We are who we are and we should be able to be who we want to be.
I think 'I Want What I Want' was not a raging success as a film but Anne Heywood played a good part. She was brave to take this role at the time and I suppose the audience for this type of film would be limited because being seen watching it was probably the same as being caught wearing a skirt or a dress.
Yes we are who we are and I think we only know you as Andrea. At least as the woman we get to meet you show all your true personality and feelings with no fear for anything. As Andrea life is much fairer to you. You can even dress as a man sometimes if you like and have no guilt feeling.
I wish I could find my books that I'm afraid went to the rubbish dump one day when I thought I should no longer feel guilty for hiding them away in fear of them being found. The better way would have been to put them in the book case and just take them down occasionally instead of attracting damp and mould in my garage.
You see what your little story has brought out. You are always doing this to me. It's so nice. I hope that it is also releasing some hurt from you too.
Keep writing because we all love you because you were born ahead of your time and you have so much to say.
Hugs Julie
I remember that book
which along with several others I loaned to friends and subsequently lost. Over the years, and especially when younger and still trying to find who I was and what I wanted, I read voraciously anything which might tell me anything about myself or who I might really be. The first time I heard the word transvestite was watching the film Psycho on the telly. It seemed I belonged, had a label. However, it also very quickly transpired that it was the wrong label.
I've never seen the film of Geoff Brown's book. The tragic end of the book left me depressed for ages. In fact I've always had a problem with watching films or documentaries on transgender subjects, I still get embarrassed or bored by them. So frequently they show atypical characters, who are larger than life, in your face and outrageous personalities such as the recent Channel 4 My Transsexual Summer which did nothing to show anything I could identify with.
It's a long time since I transitioned and had surgery and finally changed my legal status including birth certificate. As far as I am concerned, I'm female - end of story, except perhaps for the odd person who needs to know eg doctors. I'm not puling up the ladder and doing an I'm alright Jaqueline, because I like to think I give back to the community through my writing.
I did enjoy, Ma vie en Rose which was a relatively gentle film and could watch that again, but I avoided TransAmerica because I considered I wouldn't enjoy it.
Why am I embarrassed still? I'm not sure, certainly living in relative stealth, the outrageously camp drag queen types make me angry, because as a woman they are sending up something which I almost regard as sacred and which in realising cost me a marriage, possibly a relationship with my son, and ultimately my career. Was it worth it? I hope so, I'm still alive and having some fun, so let's say yes.
Am I still interested in why or how we are created? Not really, it might be of academic interest, but that's all. It isn't going to cure anyone or prevent them unless they get into eugenics - which is unthinkable, I hope. It isn't going to change anything, not for me or the vast majority of GID people, and will only feed those who need to have something to blame - see, I had to do this, my brain was hardwired to do it, it's not my fault.
However true any of that might or might not be, I made a decision to be myself, therefore, I am responsible for the outcome. I can live with that, and still won't be watching too many transgender films.
Angharad
Angharad
I read all this with interest
As with many others, I knew as a toddler that something was 'wrong' but had no label to affix to it, neither was there any information or support. I was the only one in the world who felt like this, and it must be wrong. On a morning paper round when I was about 14 years of age, I read the story of Jan Morris who'd just had her surgery - and the penny dropped. I spent the next 10 years in denial and eventually went to a doctor - "We're doctors; we can cure anything." I knew that I wasn't attractive and that there'd be no support or encouragement, so the only solution was to seek help to "make the problem go away."
On medical advice, I got married. Within days I realised that I'd made an awful mistake, but it was too late.
For years I have lived alone and see nothing but a lonely future. But that's nature's little screw-up; live with it or get out. I never had the courage to get out so there was only one option for me.
I saw the movie of 'I want what I want'. I understand that the ending was nothing like the book and, bear in mind, that this was only available to be seen in the local 'flea pit' where the porn was shown - you had to prove you were over 21 in order to gain entry.
I have the story as a Word file if anyone want it.
Susie
The book & introduction
if the link works.
http://www.antijen.org/iwant/WantIntro.html
Angharad
Angharad
I'm not really sure I had a
I'm not really sure I had a heroine as such. I largely retreated from the world into history, sci-fi and fantasy books (and Nancy Drew) at the age of seven so I never really came across a lot of the media representations of transgender/transsexuals until much later in life. I do recall as a small child struggling with my gender issues being scared witless by pantomime dames though and worried that was what I would look like. I haven't been to a panto since I was seven years old as a result.
The only real life story I really knew of as a kid growing up was Caroline Cossey, who was outed while I was a pre-teen and both alternately terrified (because looking at the other women in my family glamour modelling was never going to be option) and inspired me (I'm not alone) in equal measure through my teenage years. I never read her books but did get to briefly see her on television everytime they showed the Bond film she was in and always tried to ensure I watched it when it was on for those handful of moments she was on screen. In all honesty, I would probably say Nancy Drew was more of a heroine for me but I do still sometimes stop and watch Caroline Cossey's Bond film when its on tv.
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I want what I want
I caught this film on TV as a teenager, or young adult, and I was blown away. I mentioned it a while ago and Robyn Hoode pointed me in the direction of the file of the story. Thank you, Robi.
So much of it spoke to me that I used it as the basis for a character in 'Sweat and Tears', and mentioned the name of the film/book as a polite nod of courtesy. I saw the film as wish fulfilment, Heywood being so, so pretty, and I wrote my story as I believe it would have happened for me.
My early experiences mean I can relate...
..so strongly to what you have written 'Drea. I too deny interest in characters, in movies, plays or other dramas.. I have had to, but I'll go back to view "I want what I want" at your suggestion. Who can forget the impact of the Corgensen story?!!
Love Ginger x
Abuse is hard to live
Abuse is hard to live through. With me, looking back, I had to deal with verbal abuse, I guess. The first thing she blamed me for by being born was the loss of her pension as she had to give up her job to stay at home. My older brother was raised by my grandmother and refused to have my mother let my grandmother raise me. By the way she was 85 at the time. My mother also let me know that she would rather I was born a girl. Sometimes I think God has a sense of humor. My mother got her daughter but in the wrong body.
And have you ever wondered
about my surname?
My forename really is Susan.
I guess April Ashley must be one of my favourite heroines. I have met the lady and, at nearly 77, she is very much a lady.
Susie
A Ramble/Comment About This and the Sissy Boy Experiment.
Dear Drea,
I think that you, me and most of us went thru' trauma like the sissy boy experiment. I had a much easier time than many. I was caught switching clothes with the little girl next door, in her back yard, while her mother was hanging wash. I was 3 and 10 or 11 months, I think my friend was a few months younger.
I had some kind of (probably traumatic) punishment that I can't remember, beating(s ?) from slightly to somewhat older boys (5 second memory) and all kinds of possible problems with other kids in preschool to 3rd grade. I remember nothing other than the words, probably to my parents when being punished, saying; "But, I'm a Girl!" I have very few memories of school and none with any problems, until we moved to a different suburb of Buffalo NY. It was like normal life (and treatment, I guess) slowly started again. I have memories (a big change), some of having fun, even in school!
I've felt sort of wrong or even fake (as a Tgal) because I was always too afraid to play with girls or anything girly; that was forbidden that after my exposure. Soon, there was no need to forbid me. I was very uncoordinated and didn't do much with sports. In the new suburb, I played "guns" with boys 4 to 6 years younger than me. That now seems like pretty creepy behavior for a tween, but I could tell the kids what to do and I wasn't afraid of them.
Outwardly, the anti-sissy trauma worked. At 21 I was living with a girl at Vassar for a few weeks; guys had been going to college there for a few years. I was invited to see a very pretty XDing guy going there at a school dance, but I was too afraid to do so. I had no idea if I liked boys at 4 YO, probably I couldn't imagine it, but even when I started transitioning at 40, I was uneasy around gay men.
The anti-sissy stuff didn't take inside my head. I was having XD fantasies for a few years, then started (cross)dressing again, under very high security, at 10; never got caught, my sister told me she never knew. I didn't do much from 17 to 23, but started again while living with my 1st ex.
Drea, does your wife really know that what you went thru' was like this Sissy Boy experiment? Will she read about it and watch the videos? I just think it might increase her willingness to see you doing any kind of trans stuff.
I never had an acknowledged Heroine. I was using a non-'R' first name, but I was asked by my employer to keep my same initials, to save them time changing their files. Thinking of 'R' names, I did remember Renee Richards. I think that it made me more OK with the name Renee, even tho I didn't really like her pushiness to play wimyn's tennis. I like the outcome of her court case, she definitely had a right to play. I probably was a little put off by her appearance. (Oh, how sexist!)
My fave TS movie is Different For Girls, happy ending!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Mrs. D has read 'The Invitation'...
...she's under the erroneous assumption that still plagues many of us; that the abuse caused the gender issue rather than my gender and maybe its presentation as a kid contributing to the abuse. Even some within the at-large TG author community confuse the issues, so it's not a surprise that this remains a problem.
Mrs. D. was horrified that my father and mother had also abused me, but often even questions whether my memory is faulty on that. Most of it is an understandable if faulty reaction by her because of how she was raised and her world view and spiritual background and how those affect her views on transgender and sexual orientation. My brothers have been unable to talk about anything significant regarding the abuse issues, and I haven't even told them about my parents; they only know what Joann and I went through because of my uncle.
I plan on discussing the 'Sissy Boy' experiment with my therapist and how and when to even proceed. I wish things were different, but she still continues to say and show that she loves me, so there's always hope. Love you, NeeNee! (Keep your fingers crossed, aye?)
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Films
I have never been able to find a link or a print of the Heywood film, but here is a link to one of my and Renee's favourites.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9kJFBHxNVs
thank you Renee, Cyclist
That was actually a really good movie.
Abigail Drew.
Abigail Drew.
It's a comedy...
...and I can't stop crying. I'm sorrey.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena