My uncle passed this evening from heart failure. He was my dad's second oldest brother and had suffered from the effects of Agent Orange for many years. My problem is this, I want to be there to support my cousins who know I have transitioned and mostly haven't had a problem about it. The rest of my dad's side are the ones I am worried about. They are mostly strict Southern Baptist and Pentecostal and they do not like anything that doesn't conform to their narrow minded view of the world. I don't want to start a fight or anything, but I don't want my cousin's thinking I don't care enough to show up and pay my respects either. My oldest cousin Heather and her sister Shellie and I have always been close, but her mother and brother are vehemently opposed to my transition. My dad is accepting, but my remaining two uncles and my grandmother's remaining siblings are old and set in their ways about things. I am really torn about it.
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Comments
First off, my condolences
First off, my condolences sweetie. It's hard to lose someone when there isn't any other family drama involved. I lost my grandfather a few years ago. It's never easy.
In this case, perhaps meeting the rest of the family half way might be best. A nice pants suit, something a bit more androgynous. That way you can still be you, but give them the chance to ignore it if they feel that's what they have to do. I don't know your situation, but that may be a possible option to be yourself while still minimizing a confrontation you feel you are not ready for. I can only imagine what a choice that must be. Best wishes.
Do you have the steel in you?
First off, I am sorry for you that your uncle died. I know it must be painful.
If I remember correctly, you transitioned a long time ago, and they have not gotten over it yet?
Sometimes I can be strong, and might tell them, "Look, this is about my Uncle, not my transition. Let's honor him."
Other times, I might just dress in male drag, feel violated, get through it, and go home and cry.
I wish I had good advice for you, but I can offer my prayers.
Much peace.
Gwendolyn
Sorry to hear of your loss
even more sorry to hear of your unhelpful relatives. You must do what you feel is right, but at the end of the day, you have as much right as anyone else to be there and those who have a problem have a problem. It's their problem, not yours.
Angharad
Angharad
courage
courage is not the absence of fear but being able to put it aside.
This is a double edge sword. If you don't show it will be seens as being selfish, If you do show same thing. If you show up as yourself you will pay your respects however your makeup will look like hell.
The big question is do you want to show up as a clown or properly dressed in real clothes to show your respect.
Uncle's funeral
I'm sorry for your loss, Jen, and that of your cousins.
As for what to do, I would suggest going as yourself, unless you think actual violence is likely if you do. If someone starts in on you, just say firmly but quietly that this is about Uncle (name), and paying your respects and support to his grieving family, not about you, so can they please hold that thought (rant, whatever) until it's over and you'll be happy to discuss it with them (even if you're not exactly happy about it)...
Hmm, if that doesn't do it and they keep at you... Might be a good idea to call your cousins and explain your difficulty, and ask them to keep an eye out for anyone starting to get on your case and maybe step in if they can. Having the CHILDREN of the deceased frostily tell them to chill out and stop attacking other guests will have more of a guilt-inducing effect on whoever's picking the fight (I hope) than if you say it. Say something to your cousins like, "I know this is a big imposition on you on the day of your dad's funeral, and I really want to pay my respects... but I'd rather stay home rather than have someone go into a yelling fit at me and disrupt things."
That, or... have your dad stick by you, prepared to deflect trouble?
I hope things go okay (drama-free)...
Lisa
May he Rest In Peace
RAMI
May you uncle Rest In Peace.
I do not know of the mourning rituals of your family and his church. Perhaps, you can arrange that you be part of involved in only a portion of the rituals. Perhaps, you do not attend any religious portion of the services, in church for instance, but go to the visitation before or after the actual burial. At the visitation, interact with those who will not be offended by your presence and whom you can give comfort to, and try and keep away from those who would find your presence a distraction. If a confrontation occurs, be, the bigger person. Try to remember, what ever your families traditions are, they are primarily for the living, his immediate family, and not about the deceased. If the family and those who will be present are numerous enough, you can be overlooked if you plan it that way.
If that won't work, perhaps call your cousins and ask them to meet you at a restaurant close by. You can extend your condolences there, and comfort them. Being at the service and burial is not paramount to comforting the bereaved. If you are a believer, your uncle will know you were present for those who need your love and support.
Rami
RAMI