A persistant problem of mine is when I feel bad, I retreat into myself. Depression itself seems to be a forced retreat from the outside world. It makes sense, in a way; depression can come from injury, problems with others, etc. (This is excepting biological/genetic based depression, which actually is just a tendency to become depressed more easily.) When one has health or interpersonal problems, it might be better to withdraw and heal or let group tensions ease.

My tendency, however, is mostly counter productive. I cut myself off from support, encouragement, advice and maybe actual, physical help. My immediate problem is the result of an incident last Monday, Labor Day on a local Labor Day bike ride. At a rest stop/regroup point, after 14 miles on the ride route, another club member became enraged, really no idea why, and broke the aero bar off my Cervelo road bike, while I was holding the bike, about ready to mount and ride away from the rest stop.

I have been using this style of home-made aero bar for about ten years on three different bikes. Besides my newish Cervelo, 2007 model, which I bought in 2009; I have an almost identical bar on my next newest road bike, a 1999 Cannondale, CAAD 4. I had one on an older Cannondale. These bars consist of a approx. 15 inch long, 1.25 inch diameter, Al, thin wall tube, with a balsa wood tip pushed into it. The tube is held beneath the stem, pointing forward and up at a 15 ° angle. On both bikes I have some kind of foam rubber arm pads on the regular shaped handlebar, spaced a little outboard of the stem. Using the aero bar, like other "clip on" aero bars, I can ride in a low, narrow, time-trial position to decrease air resistance. Commercial aero bars are U shaped that come out of the handlebar at two points or two individual bars. The later, when used on time-trial bikes, have the front derailleur shifter on the tip of the left tube and rear shifter on the right tube. I have regular brake-shift levers in normal position on my handle bars. I use one tube to save weight and because one is all that is necessary. I had been teased about the areo bars on my older bikes, because they look somewhat phallic, and a few people thought they might be dangerous in a crash. I've said that my bar is less of a risk than being hit with one of the twin aero bars, because one of a twin is a smaller diameter, concentrating whatever force in a smaller area, the tips of the twin bars, in one style, are horizontal and mine is tipped up, and because mine has a soft balsa wood tip that would mushroom or break off while part of it is pushed down into the Al tube. My diameter is greater, more that twice the area of a single twin bar, so any load is spread over a larger area, reducing the pressure, which would decrease the risk of deformation/penetration/injury to someone's body.

Because of the teasing and criticism, I had arm pads, but no aero bar on the Cervelo during '09 and '10. I could get into an aero position, just holding my hands together, out in front, but I had nothing to hang on to. I would steer with my forearms on the pads and by shifting my weight, but I was unstable in this position; I didn't have secure control of the bike. Last March, I "bit the bullet" and put an aero bar on the Cervelo; it made a time-trialing position on the Cervelo much more secure and stable. The balsa wood tip had a clear coating on it and wasn't completely smoothed and rounded. No one said anything about the aero bar at the Saturday group rides or at the larger, biannual club breakfast meeting.

2 or 3 weeks ago, my biking friend/associate Eric, (who I only see at the Sat. bike rides) said that the crude bar didn't do (visual) justice to the sculpted, carbon fiber, aero, Cervelo frame of my bike. He's a wood worker/artist and is concerned with the esthetics of objects. I decided to humor him and smoothed and painted silver the balsa tip and covered the junky looking structure that held the bar under the bike stem with clear tape. I colored part of the tape black with a magic marker; the tape was either opaque, masking the junky structure or was just showing the Al of the tube. Eric was semi-approving, said I should make it look like it was a brand-new, mass produced, Japanese, bike part; I smiled and said I wasn't doing anything more to it.

During that ride, last Sat., strangeness started. After not noticing my aero bar all year, people could see it. At a stop light on the ride, I stopped next to the club president; a 60+ YO teacher/principle type who'd always been sort of friendly/at least polite to me. I said something neutral, a greeting or whatever; he started saying how my aero bar was dangerous with its "bullet shaped" wooden tip. I said it was less dangerous than one of Eric's clip on aero bars, he disagreed; I told him that the tip was balsa wood, he said "that doesn't mater". At that point, he was obviously acting closed minded. Like there would be no difference if the tip were balsa wood or were oak. The light changed and we were off. Eric, who had been right behind me, said I was right and the pres' was wrong. A few guys riding near us, nodded in agreement with Eric. At the next light, Eric, who up to recently had hair down to his waist, said if I was non-conforming, I had to accept that some people would not like it, would not be swayed by logic and that arguing was pointless. Not understanding people much different from me, very well, I took Eric's advise and dropped the subject. During the ride, no one else said anything about the aero bar.

On Monday, after getting water and ice at the rest stop convenience store, I walked out, put the water bottles on my bike, put on my gloves, sunglasses and helmet and moved the bike from the sidewalk, next to the store, out into the parking lot/gas pump area. This guy Neil, who I'd known for 23 years, (his house is next to my ex's, where I used to live) came up to me and got right in my face, like one foot away. I'd never had any trouble at all with Neil; he knew I transitioned, but never brought it up. Every few months we'd exchange a few words that were, if not friendly, completely civil. Neil started yelling that I'd been warned and told to remove my aero bar time and time again; he said he wanted me to remove it right now. (None of that was true; I'd had a disagreement with the pres, that I considered technical and acedemic. I, at least, planned to agree to disagree. No one, including the pres, told me to remove my aero bar, not that I would have anyway. Neil never voiced any objection to any of the aero bars that I've used. Sue [who is mentioned later] said she thought Neil was forced to do it by peer pressure, that he wouldn't have done it if the two of us were alone. That sounded inane to me, I hadn't seen anyone else even look pissed about the aero bar. I didn't know who would be pressuring Neil, although I know that I don't recognize that kind of non verbal communications.) I thought Neil was goofing on the president's and my disagreement the Sat. before; I asked him if he were kidding? He goes" no, damn it, I want that aero bar off right now and if you don't do it, I will." I was just about to say "you're joking, right?" when he grabbed the aero bar, put some of his weight on it and snapped it off.

I was shocked and dismayed. I'd never seen or heard of any violence among riders in the 16+ years I'd ridden with the Saturday Cycling group. I walked my bike, carrying my aero bar across the parking lot to where their was shade and some trees. I leaned my bike against a tree and got out my bike tool kit. I looked at what I had left of the stuff that held the bar under the stem. The major loss was a steel, self clamping strap that had broken. I saw that I had enough of it to use it and clamp the ends together again; the other strap was unbroken; it had just slipped off the back end of the bar. The parking lot emptied out until it looked like there was just a man and a womyn left. I had acted all together until this point, but when it looked like I had some privacy, I started sobbing. Soon the womyn, also named Renee, came over to see if I was hurt, etc. Then Sue, the leader of the Sat Cycling group all the time I had been with them, came over. She goes "It's all right to cry, wimyn do that", I said "I know." "You know, I like you, Renee, I always have. I think it would be boring if everyone was the same. Some of the guys in the group don't like you, but I like you." We talked about transitioning, why was I a lesbian? She thought that one went M2F to be able to make love with guys. I told her I changed because I had a womyn's brain and that sexual preference and gender identity were completely separate. She thought that "the guys" were freaked out by me and the aero bar, because it looked so phallic. We talked about its dangerousness; she thought the major cause of injury, in a crash where the aero bar might touch someone, was my body hitting the other person's. That made lots of sense to me. She asked if I was going to continue the ride; I said I was going home (about 20 miles). She held my bike for a while and talked with me until she had to leave to meet her BF. I was having some trouble remounting the bar, getting the strap clamped, until a guy in a pick-up wanted to know if I needed any tools. I said it would be great if he had some pliers; he handed me a large pair of needle nose, exactly what I needed. I bent and clamped the strap together, gave him back his tool and thanked him and then I was ready to go. I only used the aero bar part of the time going home because the fairly strong wind was at my back.

I came home, 40 mile ride, and told Kim about the ride. Following her suggestion, I ate, wrote down everything about the incident I could remember, then called the police. The officer said the charge would be criminal destruction; we agreed to see if the bike club could handle this problem, rather the get the police involved with just $30 (probably less) of damage.

I've put a differently designed and held aero bar on the bike. I've been thinking positively about the biking group and just joking about the incident, but OTOH, I haven't ridden or gone out of the house since Monday. I guess I'm slightly worried about being beaten up or my bike damaged worse by some unknown guys who have a problem with my existence. I think I should talk to Sue again, see if she's talked with the club officials about Neil's violence, but I'm feeling shy about it. I don't want to be run out of the club, but I'm not sure if I want to ride with them this Saturday.