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Like... why does everyone go ape dookey when they find out I hate myself?
For that matter, why does it matter that I realize how fugly I am? As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather be wrong about the truth than wrong about a lie.
Get this "Hey world, I'm such a beauty and you should all worship me because I'm hot dookey!" Meanwhile I'm a pile of mud on legs. Blarg. That's hooey.
I'll keep telling people how fugly I am and if they think differenty, fine, they are allowed to be wrong. [shrugs]
Then there are all the people that go "God doesn't make trash yada yada yada". All well and good. God made me just fine. I'm the one that screwed up His good work, though, admittedly with LOTS of help. Lots and lots and lots.
And the people who are all: "everyone is beautiful in their own way" or "your beautiful on the inside and the outside doesn't matter". Again, BLARG! It's a well studied fact that people who are more physically attractive, as a rule, make more money than their ugly, or even average, contemporaires. Beautiful people have natural advantages. The outside *does* count. Please don't think I'm so shallow to think that the inside is not *at least* as important, if not many times more so. But the physical cannot be completely neglected. If so, then being homosexual or lesbian would be moot because the outside would be all that matters.
(*PLEASE NOTE* I don't care who you bump uglies with. I hate sex. Have all you want with whom you want. Just leave me out of it)
Isn't that a kick in the head? I can't wait for the arguments to that when I present it to the naysayers. You, my dear readers, are the first to see this new perspective . Don't you feel special? [smirk]
No one has ever been able to give me a coherent reason, however, of why I should not hate myself. Basically what I get is: "You're a nice, sweet person" yada yada yada "God doesn't make ugly" yada yada yada "it's the inside that counts, not the outside" yada yada yada "I love you so you should love you, too". Piffle.
If you love me, fine. There is no controlling love and no accounting for taste. I love peanut butter and cheese. I've met exactly 1 other person on earth that agrees with me. Everyone else thinks I'm nuts (and I'm not, I'm brain damaged. Huge difference.) but it is a matter of taste, not mentation.
I have great taste and I can prove it. I hate me. [shrugs again]
Anyway, enough ranting tonight. Well maybe not, but enough for now
Comments
Bailey Summers I personally
Bailey Summers
I personally think you've every right to feel the way you do about yourself. I will say I do like your writing and the wit and there is that inadvertent charm that come across.
I do however really think it's cool how the way you have presented your view has provoked such amazing and well though out responses.
We all get to see more of ourselves when we flare passionately in the darkness at each other.
Bailey Summers
D's Blog
I see a cry for help!
Quote; Everyone else thinks I'm nuts (and I'm not, I'm brain damaged. Huge difference.) but it is a matter of taste, not mentation. end Quote;
We are ALL NUTS D, at least I know I am! and yes I am Brain damaged the Federial Government says so!
Quote; I love peanut butter and cheese. End Quote;
Well I like Peanut butter, Mayo, and Bannanas!
Quote; (*PLEASE NOTE* I don't care who you bump uglies with. I hate sex. Have all you want with whom you want. Just leave me out of it) End Quote;
Well D I would if I could but I can't so I won't (its broken and it ain't gonna work no more! (hell of a thing for a married person)
DD, I hope you can get help! All I can offer is moral support. I'm so Fu_ked up my-self!
Lifes a bed of Roses, fertilized with a lot of Doo do! (PG version)
Here is some Doo do that was just thrown at me. I was Denied my Gastric Bipass after 8 months of being on the program. "Their excuse," (we do take medical at this time). That is 8 months of hope bashed against a wall of BullSh_T. So now I have to some-how get on the program at U.C. Davis 150 miles away! How do I get there I don't know but if I don't I die. You want fat and ugly you should see me all 440 pounds of me! every tree in the forest fell on me.
BUT I DON'T CARE!!
It Happens
"We" are not amused!
So, let it be written
So, let it Be Done!!
(Yul Bryner)
Here's a good coherent reason ...
... why you shouldn't hate yourself: it's seriously counterproductive. It runs counter to your interests as an individual. How could you possibly do what you need to do to keep yourself alive, healthy, and relatively safe and whole if you hated yourself? Why would you bother? If you truly hated yourself, any effort you would make on your own behalf would be half-hearted at best, which would in turn convince you that you were right to hate yourself in the first place since you can NEVER get anything you want, because you're so freakin' incompetant ... and so on and so on and so on.
Logically, you need to like yourself because you're the only game in town ... for you.
That's all I've got for now. If anything else comes in that's logical and rational, I'll let you know. *grins*
In the meantime, keep playing! Remember, optimism is a survival trait, because the pessimists are beaten before they even begin.
Randalynn
I don't.
It is you're business to decide on you're worth and beauty, D. So I don't go ape dookey when you say it. I just really don't give a rat's rear. But apparently some people around you do, and in that you are lucky.
Randalynn makes a good point: you have to be on your own side, but let's be honest hear, you really ain't all that important. Except to, by your own statement, a few others. You just don't have it so bad. You have posted stories here, ergo you are above average in at least that area. In that you are lucky.
You were able to get a computer to post them. In that you are lucky.
If you don't want to take care of yourself; get off your ass and take care of the rest of the world. They need you a lot more than you do.
(Sincere self discloser bull stuff in the next two paragraphs - skip it if you want.)
A few years ago, after finishing graduate school and spending 8 months doing manual labor and eating from the week old bread store and bullion cubs,I spent my last money and made 30 baloney sandwiches and passed them out behind the old train station. Fifteen people smiled (yes I counted) and one said "thank you". At least I didn't put the hose I'd already measured into the exhaust pipe that one night. A few times since then a few people have thought that was a good thing (I think).
(Disclosure part 2) My nephew's body is attacking his kidneys. When his mother started talking about him not being able to go to college because of that, he stuck a picture of Steven Hawking on his door. When he goes to the hospital for test he counts the number of people in the halls who are sicker than he. And he is taking medicine that makes his moods move like a yo-yo with rockets and covers his body in zits, the disease makes him retain water so his weight fluctuates 25 lbs in some weeks. HE, at 17, has to fight to not hate himself and does. (And I don't know why; sanity isn't in his genes.)
So I don't care, go out and find the people that need you and can use your help. You can do that,D. You can. In that you are lucky. If you are so ugly, find a burn unit. You would be amazed how little some people care about looks. If you're brain damaged go find the people who are more so. If you can't walk, go find a preschool for homeless children (there are lots!) and see how happy wheel chair rides will make them. Or just make some damn baloney sandwiches. You don't have to like your self, you don't matter that much. But some people might thank you.
Sincerely Find Joy, or fight for its discovery.
Jan
(sorry this is so long.)
Liberty is more than the freedom to be just like you.
Touche`
Powerfully written. Actually, the way I distract myself is to spend as much time as possible trying to build up and support as many people as possible. And, oddly enough, I'm a very positive, optimistic person. I suspect that is a by-product of striving to propel other people forward rather than letting them fall by the wayside. It isn't sandwiches, but I can hand out enthusiasm to far more people than I could baloney. (I sing really loudly :P)
Thanks to you who have responded. You made well-supported and salient points.
In that...
In that you are lucky and worth more than many (most?) of the people that have ridden behind chauffeurs today. So Smile.
Joy:
Jan
Liberty is more than the freedom to be just like you.
The Beholder
Your comments brought to mind a “Twilight Zone†episode I saw first in 1960 as a twelve-year old. I’ve borrowed this synopsis from SCI Film.
It is a quiet night in a darkened hospital room but the mind of Janet Tyler is anything but quiet. Her head is encased in gauze, the result of a radical procedure designed to cure the hideous facial deformity that has made her an outcast all of her life. Ms. Tyler is completely blind due to the wrappings around her head and at the mercy of hospital personnel.
Eleven times Janet Tyler has had work done to correct her deformities and each previous attempt has been a failure. If the surgery is unsuccessful this time, the State has decreed that she will have no more medical treatment and must instead live in exile with others of her kind. Her doctor is kind and sympathetic and tries to calm her fears as best he can but Janet's mental anxiety pushes her almost to panic. How much longer must she endure the stifling blindness of the bandages?
At last, the day comes for the bandages to be removed. Layer by layer they are clipped away with agonizing slowness, but finally they are gone and she raises her face into the light. We see now that Janet Tyler is a blonde young woman of extraordinary beauty, but the doctor cries out "Nothing! No change! No change at all!" Janet shrieks and tries to flee the room. For the first time, we see the faces of her doctor and the other hospital personnel . . . twisted, ugly, distorted, like human swine. Janet breaks free and runs hysterically through the hospital, shocking the others there with her "ugliness." Meanwhile, the Leader of the State gives a televised address stridently claiming the advantages of "glorious conformity."
Finally, Ms. Tyler is taken into custody and introduced to Walter Smith...another "monster" like herself who appears to be a handsome young man. Smith will escort her to a community made of people like themselves, where Ms. Tyler can finally find acceptance and peace. . .
What is beauty and what is ugliness? For the answer, we'll let Rod Serling explain as he did at the end of the episode. “Now the question comes to mind . . . where is this place and when is it, what kind of world where ugliness is the norm and beauty the deviation from that norm? The answer is: it doesn't make any difference. Because the old saying happens to be true. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, in this year or a hundred years hence, on this planet or wherever there is human life, perhaps out among the stars. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A lesson to be learned . . . in the Twilight Zone.â€Â
There was a time in my life when I would look in a mirror and see nothing but ugliness. I would wonder if I could ever find happiness. The older I got the more I understood how wrong I had been. At my 40th high school reunion, I was shocked by how many of my classmates had wanted me to ask them out. I look back with a much different perspective at my old pictures and I don’t see ugliness at all.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)