5Oct2005 - Not much has been happening for me, lately. I am a channel operator, in the form of a temp op (basically a reservist for when the registered ops are not available) in an IRC channel now. There is a 50/50 chance I will be installed as a permanent op. This is only interesting in its irony. The channel is a flirt channel. Meanwhile, I hate me. I don't like men. I'm not attracted to women (except that I love to watch them and either admire their style or pick them apart for lack of it, though I keep my thoughts to myself on that point). I even hate sex (just accept it at face value). I'm not sure why I go there, much less as much as I do.

Oddly, it is turning out to be a pretty decent sanity therapy. I have had to learn to not tell the truth about myself (in that I'm a fatally fugly brain damaged transgendered fat freak) because that is seen to negatively affect the attendance of the channel visitors.

I'm also expected to act as a sort of hostess. I'm reasonably knowledgeable about IRC so I'm technically a good channel operator. I'm also somewhat verbose which tends to be beneficial for attendance and participation. This causes me to be a good candidate,except for what is describled as "downgrading" myself (though, again, I only seeing it as truth in advertising).

These restrictions and expectations have funnled me into a more mainstream acceptable behaviour pattern without stifling my creativity or sense of humor (though there were definitely some growing pains).

As I relax and consider that there is a infintessimally small yet definite possibility that I can be accepted for me, as I am, I am starting to experiment and spread my wings again, after years of hiding and residing in the deepest of closets.

With much interaction and consultation with Tyrone Slothrop, I had been putting together an outline for a semi science fiction story. This is a huge huge departure from anything I've ever done before. I usually just write on the fly and then try to make the pieces all fit later. I am going to see if I can find that outline and begin work on the actual story now.

It is somewhat lengthy and may take a while to work up, but look for it sometime in the future.

More blogging later,
D