I was reading some of the recent blogs and I realized something. I was feeling much lighter. A great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I didn't even notice it.

I've live in the closet, and it's NOT a BIG closet for almost all of my life. I pretended to be a man. Fathered 3 kids, all of which I also "mothered" the woman I'm married to hasn't a clue on children or child care. In our marriage, she was the incubator, but I was the mom. Don't get me wrong, I loved it. 'Course our kids were sometimes confused when their dad showed up for school doing all the "mommy" things, crafts, reading, being a teacher's aide, etc... Their mother baked the cookies but I was the "hostess"

All the time, I reveled in being who I was. Still, I was trapped in this stupid body. Waayyyy over weight I started transition last month. Some of you know that no surgeon will touch you if you are over 200 pounds. CRASH DIET time AaOOgah AaOOgah Dive! Dive!! (lame submarine sounds). Well, not really, more of a Medifast(tm) diet with alterations.

This has been a GOOD thing. I decided it was time last year. On January 1st it was like someone flipped switches in my brain. One was the "fat" switch, OFF. Then they turned on the "skinny" switch ON, and away I go....

Since the first I've lost over 60 pounds. BUT that wasn't the GREAT WEIGHT that has disappeared. I think it was the decision. No more screwing around (okay I've not done that in YEARS), no more playing around, dressing when I could, sometimes for as much as a week at a time. No, it was when I decided. The indecision was over. I'm on my way. And THAT got rid of the weight that has been hanging over my head all my life. Gee, I knew I was a girl, why couldn't everyone else see it??

So, here I am. My wife's still not fully on board, but I can't do more than I am to fix that. The train is rolling on a down hill slope picking up speed. I love it when my mom talks to me like a daughter ( I KNOW that sound stupid, but what can I say?), People in my group therapy call me by my real name. I'm no longer hiding. I made an appointment with my doctor just to tell him the news, waiting for an eplosion that never came. His response? "Oh, I worked with trans people all the time during my residency, do you know there's more resources for you in the SF bay area?" Wow!

And that is why I'm so much lighter. The weight of indecision is gone.

Blessings to All!!,
Beth

PS. I don't know if it's just me. I've not taken any hormones yet (THANK YOU, you know who I mean ), but as I've lost weight I'm losing it from the stomach area. My boobs are actually almost a B cup, the fat seems to want to linger there. I'm NOT complaining though