By in large, I have had a good time here; though I know that I emoted far too strongly at times. Hurt more than I thought it was posible at the time, I am gratified to have found a place to vent it. Every one of my stories were from my heart,honest and blunt at times.
I've been feeling really restless for quite some time. I thought I was going to Mosul, Iraq one time to help in an English school but that was poorly conceived. Recently, I wanted to go to Haiti to help out but as some of my detractors speculated, it did not happen. Sometimes it is like people just think badly of you for reasons you can't understand. When I transitioned, I did not realize the difficulty I would have in finding a suitable mate. I was gullible.
I am a very friendly and caring woman and I am often told that I do not look my age, and that I am beautiful. I have tried to keep busy volunteering at the VA Hospital and doing other projects to help the poor, but the longing for someone to hold me was always there.
Today, I met the prospective Husband of a young Muslimah who sees me as her Mother figure. They both look good together and I liked his Jordanian accent imediately. He is so handsome that I shudder to think what it would be like to have a dark, handsome man of my age come into my life. I would not be able to resist him perhaps.
For some time, my friends here in Portland have urged me to put myself in circulation once again. I loved my family more than life its self but they are gone and I can do nothing about it. I have finally accepted that they are not coming back. For me the time to sit around lamenting about my partnerless state is over. I am persnickity in that I havta be the girl and I want a man. It coulda been a FtM, but none of them knocked on my door. Lesbians seem to hate me and gay guys, well what can you say about them...such hunks and not even interested. :(
So, at the urging of my Muslim friends, who all know about me, I have joined a social site, and by their urging, I have not engaged in destructive self disclosure. They all say that no one will know if I do not tell them. At this point, I am taking the risk, no matter what the danger.
My friends are also urging me to break all ties with the T community and remove any T information from my computer. I may put all my documentation in a safety deposit box, but at this point, if dropping my panties and feeling me up doesn't say I am female, then no amount of documentation will.
Deleting all my stories will be hard, and unpubing is not suitable. It will be very hard to do and I know that I will be broken hearted to do it. A part of my own soul is in those stories, and I am feeling really awful just writing about it now. Maybe a copy of those stories will go on a Thumb Drive and go in with the Documentation if I save it...
One of my girlfriends helped me to start the site tonight. Most of us are really bad about saying good things about ourselves. I have a lot to think about.
In case I do go away, it will mean deleting email accounts, changing phone numbers and one friend even recommended that I change both my names legally. I have no idea what so ever where this will go now. But, if it does progress like I want it to, in a few months time, I will have a husband, and maybe living in another country, maybe even England, the country of my fantasies. Good heavens, I've the accent to support it now!
This is not meant to be drama, but I just wanted to make sure that I got the chance to say "Thank you so much", to the many friends I have made on this site. I would not have survived with out you, and I hope that someday, someone will say the same of me. As I said, I have much to think about and feel I have so little wisdom.
Many Blessings
Khadijah Gwen
Comments
I wish you all the best.
I wish you all the best.
If you do decide that you need to 'purge' the bulk of your writings and electronic documentation, I would suggest that you get an encrypted flash drive. They aren't cheap, but you'll only need to buy it once.
Put everything on that, encrypt it with something you know you'll remember, and store that in the safe deposit box. That way, even if it gets uncovered, it won't give anything away to anyone.
Good luck with your adventure.
BW
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
Good luck
and best wishes.
Hilltopper
It won't work
I don't think this is going to work, Gwen. I mean, the cutting all ties and pretending it never happened.
Firstly, your T past, good and bad, is what made you the person you are today. Nothing can ever change that. You may wish that you had more of the good times and less of the bad times - well, don't we all, but that would mean that we were now someone else, not who we currently are.
Secondly, what you seem to be proposing is nothing more than a lot of us here have done in the past, which is a denial, a purging, of what went before. We all know from bitter experience that it doesn't work. Whatever you do in the future, however happy you convince yourself you are, sooner or later reminders of your past will intrude and cause dissatisfaction.
You've just emerged from a land of make-believe: your male past. Do you want to go into another land of make-believe, your imagined future? Isn't gonna happen, sister.
Finally, if you make good on your decision to change your name and disappear, why bother cleaning out Gwen Brown and the stories she wrote? They are good enough to stand on their own, even if it would no longer be possible to contact the author. I ask you, make Erin or Bob or someone else here custodian of your writings, so that they are not lost to posterity. There's absolutely no need to pretend that they never existed, all you need to do is sever the connection between you and them.
Even more finally, there are UK readers/authors here who might prove useful contacts if you do travel this way. PM us if you wish, and we will provide a means for getting in touch should you need us.
Penny
Moving along?
...cutting ties with friends and support here? Please don't. You're moving quickly; understandable considering your frustration. But don't cut ties with a community that has provided you with encouragement; at least until you're established with new support and friends. We care about you, I'm sure you know that, and we want you to be happy, but safe and supported as well, and I'm worried. All my love dear heart, but please think about what I just said, okay.
Love, Andrea Lena
I fear for your personal safety
I am very torn over what you said.
Sure, sometimes we need to make a clean break, start fresh as it were.
BUT cutting ALL ties to friends, supporters, aquantances, community? Geting close to someone who you know very little about, possibly moving to a new city or even country?
It could be innocent and your dream, it also is the way cults work. Isolate you, remove all outside influences so you have no reality check to fall back on IE no point of reference, no white knights to ride to the rescue.
You are you, why MUST you change so radically to be you? Why can't they accept you as you? Rememeber your old family abandoned you over religious differences due to your TG status. Are these people any different? They seem accepting BUT only if you fit into THEIR cubbyholes. Or so it seems IMHO.
I hope all goes well, I hope this is paranoia on my part but unless I've read too much fiction what these new friends want is very suspicous, a perfect set up for being sucked into a cult or even slavery. Both do happen. I pray it is not the case here.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I have to agree with John
Please Gwen, consider what John and Andrea have said. This community has provided much support for you and you rely on it strongly, I've seen your posts.
Throwing away your body of work or archiving in a secret location will only serve to cause you great anguish, it will be as if you never opened up to anyone.
It can be physically dangerous not to be honest with any potential mate, if he ever found out about your past he could become so enranged over the revelation as to hurt you. One thing is for certain, it would cast a pall of deception over your entire relationship, if not ruin it entirely.
I will not pretend to say I understand the loneliness and isolation you feel or the longing for intimacy with another. One can only relate to that in terms of their own life, and in my case, though my family relationships are strained at times we are all still together. I do know how lonesome and emotionally draining it can be to not feel accepted by those who should love you unconditionally but it is not the same.
One cannot run away from their past. We are the sum total of life's experiences, successes and failures and nothing can change that. We can only look forward.
Putting yourself back in circulation is not a bad idea. You do not have to advertise your past. But if a relationship continues, you need to open up to your potential mate. To love is to risk hurt.
If you feel you must continue this path, please stop and put it on hold for a week. Do something to get your mind off it, then come back and reexamine it again. If you still feel this way, at least you will have a more considered outlook on it.
If you do go, I will miss you.
Hugs
Carla Ann
Like you I'm frustrated with
Like you I'm frustrated with being alone, though in my case I never expected anything else. But I feel that this is a rather extreme approach. You shouldn't have to cut all ties, especially ones you find painful to cut, in order to move on.
Also, if you're going to cut all ties that could reveal your past, you would have to cut your ties with those friends who are suggesting this as well, since they know about you.
It's your life and your choice, and I hope whatever choice you make you can be happy with. And if you do go, you'll be missed!
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Good advice
Thank you for the good advice. Last night, my girlfriend and I made me a page on a networking site. It all seems risky and frightening but the excitement I feel makes it all too seductive.
As this develops, I hope that I know what to do. You're right, there is really no need to delete all my stories; maybe not using my real name here is enough.
Many Blessings
Gwen
I am with Penny, John and others
First, based on your history here I do not see you parting from the support you get (need)from here. There is a lot of drama in your life that needs venting, this is a good place for it.
If the environment you are going into is so fraught with danger should your past be disclosed that you have to go to this level of security and eradication, why go there? Why is this so attractive to you? I know someone who has done the same thing in a different faith/culture, it has taken over 15 years and there is much resistance/bigotry/homophobia still and much more down the road yet their path is nowhere near as opposed to them as yours is to you, their only dangers are dissapointments, rejection and loss of time. The difference being they have never concealed their past though they do not offer it either.
Your very life could be on the line.
Gwen, I ask people over and over again about people they may lose in their lives because of this "If you had known they were were so bigoted and transphobic when you first met them, would you have bothered to make them your friend?" Same applies to your life from this point forward, would you enter into a relationship with a man that would rather kill or disfigure you to salvage his honor? Is the abuse acceptible to you? Do you honestly believe you are so charming that once he gets to know the real you that you will overcome and overwhelm a lifetime of cultural conditioning as well as his own family and peer pressure? As it is genetic women are chattel in their culture, a transwoman's status is where?
No Crisis, no Drama
I certainly did not intend to create a crisis atmosphere or insinuate that I was committing suicide or anything like that. I was simply thinking through the next move in my life and greatly appreciated the input I got.
The most stern but welcome advice I got was from my English friend who lived with me this summer and regretably went home to the soggy. She said that it was absolutely imperative that I was absolutely honest, and anything less was completely unacceptable. She said it in a tone that indicated that she might just pull my chest hair out, should I have any left. She takes advantage of the fact that I am very submissive and now I would not dare to disobey her.
I did get one very hurtful message from someone to say that they had enough going on in their life, without my bringing more shit into theirs. I am confused about when one person has more right to share more than another.
Thank you all.
Gwen