I am up to my neck in one of the G11 stories, and had an epiphany because of it. In reading the story, a huge question mark in my life is closer to resolution.
I was married to the same woman for 39 years before coming out, and after it all ended, there have been a seemingly never ending line of questions come to my mind; trying to resolve it all. Part of it has been my hurt at not being allowed to go overseas with her on relief missions. She went to Honduras twice on medical relief missions before I was allowed to go. Then she went to Mozabique after they Typhoon there. Then, later she went to Kosovo. She told me I was not allowed to go and because of my very bad self image at the time I allowed her to tell me what to do. Later we both went to Kenya together.
In looking back, it makes me wonder why we stayed together all those years and now I think the answer might be very simple. I think she is mostly masculine and even then, I was mostly feminine. At the time, I had no idea that I was grapling with a gender issue. I would have felt far too shamed to accept it.
Looking back, I feel considerable embarrassment that I fought the inevidible for so long. I was so convinced that being a woman was the ultimate perversion. Little did I know at the time that I would one day greatly enjoy my fate; being a woman that is. :)
Khadijah
Comments
Which memories are true ?
Dear Gwen,
I have had some similar expereinces. And sometimes, when I look back on my life, I am not really sure that I remember all things right. DO I put my eye-glasses on to see something that I can see as a small hint on where my life would turn so much later, or were those episodes really a true signs of what was to come. Getting six years old in my new /?/ personality I cannot really say that I know. I just put those perhaps-memories back in the storage were I as well store all comments about me beeing girlish even while I was still far, far away from thoughts about transition.
Just take my hand and let us wander into this new decade and hope that our foot-steps will soon be wished away by all those that we have removed some obstacles for.
For you and all our brothers and sisters around the world
I wish a good new decade
Ginnie
GinnieG
It has taken me 10 years to
It has taken me 10 years to come to accept myself as well Khadijah,Since I was young, I found how easy it was to let go in the internet and be who I wanted to be. I didn't know at the time, but I found out that I was being a girl years later. confusing a lot of people in the process. Someone brought it to my attention one day, I have been since coming to terms with it, and trying to bring what I've been online into my real life. It's not easy, lowering the mask I've had up for so many years, hiding behind the defences, and the fear of not being accepted. but I'm slowly coming around to telling my family. and I'm happy you found someone to share with. and I'm sorry for coming into your blog and talking about my problems. I just find it easier to relate to someone, if they share my experiences. It's easier to relate, when you know where someone's come from and what they've been through. Like you I question myself. I do know though, where I come from, and where I'm going won't change who I am, and how I see things. it all comes down to we are who we are, no more, no less. and no matter the experiences, the questions we have, the answers we find or the shell we live in, will ever change it. Alright, My rant is done. ^^: feel free to agree, disagree or ignore.
I used to be broken, I used to be lost. Unsure of what I was, until he found me...
Never be afraid to push yourself to new limits. While you might not see the path, you will be amazed at what you can achieve.
Being Swept Off My Feet!
Oh I would so love to have a MAN come into my life and spill all my baggage! I did try for a while, but the men I met had all stopped living, and just waited to die. At 63 I still ride my bike, want to go camping, or boating, or hiking. Act my age? Piss off!
I would so dearly love to fix him breakfast, or set a pretty table for him, or iron his shirts. It would be nice to let him drive, to lay on his chest at night,to steal his shirt, to have him pin me down and make me squeal with delight! I would love it if he took my tools from me and forbid me to work in live electrial panels or even check my oil.
The other day, I had my adoptive family with me and got out to check the oil while we got petrol, and my friends young saudi husband got out and took the cleanex from me, saying that this was not "woman work; strictly forbidden; completely Haram". He was adamant enough that I did not create a scene, though I was doing that sort of thing before he was even born. When I sat down in the car, a delightful frission passed through me. He made me behave like a woman and I liked it!
We eventually work through our baggage do we not? Life after the pain can be so nice. You are not a bother. Please come talk to me anytime. :)
Many Blessings
Khadijah Gwen