Those of you who read my sagas will have observed the regular occurrence of the ersatz complaint, either at the protagonists or by them in a self declaration. I see it in the works of other authors as well, and I've also known it in real life with other transgendered people. It's a very common phenomenon -- the feeling that despite all your inner drivings, you're still different to biological women (or men) and therefore inferior.

Most people have feelings of being down, of worthlessness from time to time, which if instigated from outside and reinforced often enough can be difficult to shift. Ironically, many young women have very low esteem, so if they suffer from it, what chance us?

As an egalitarian - we're all equal in the eyes of God (if one exists)- it's an issue I try to ignore in myself, besides, I've got there, legal and above board, hold down a demanding job, have a cat who loves me(?), seem to live without any significant questioning of who or what I am - but I still get it, the self questioning.

I've been accused of being perfectionist - it isn't a state I recognise in myself, or I'd have lost weight and done more housework, so maybe this sneaks in under my defences, if it can get past the pile of Cycling Weekly which fills my hallway. My unconscious always wants to be better at something I do or am, and sometimes feeds this through to my waking moments, like every time I come out of the shower, 'I need to lose some weight'.

It's all double standards of course, I can happily reminisce with other women about births and periods, which in my case were a virtual reality experience, or PMS which I suspect I do get occasionally. Then I come home and talk on the phone with my ex, and realise that she can still undermine me with a single phrase - "but you're not" or "you weren't". I tend not to mention being a little girl when I was young in order not to tell lies to people, I talk about being a kid or my childhood. So despite more than twenty years of transition, and nearly as many post op, I still have an Achille's Heel, which at unguarded moments tends to bite me.

Some of this would presumably disappear if I just wore a big badge - 'I'm transsexual - so what?'It isn't what I feel inside however, there I'm female, anything else is a non-starter. I didn't leave the safety (if discomfort)of my male status to be transsexual, that's an interim stage, and relates to my body not me, okay, I have to mention it to any doctor or surgeon who may be looking for bits which aren't there, but isn't otherwise relevant. So why do I keep on about it?

Perhaps it's my way of dealing with the parts of my life which could be better, of course if I'd been female from the start... yeah, I might have died from ovarian cancer, or in childbirth or been just as crazy as I am now. Or what if...oh my goodness, what if I had been born female, and still been GID? Now there's a nightmare scenario for you.