With just a few chapters until the end of 'Dear Rylee' I feel I owe readers an explanation for what happened in today's chapter. When this happened to me in real life, there were a lot of thoughts feelings, and emotions that I couldn't adequately put on paper, so I sort of had to fudge the truth a little.
After Rylee reaches the shack, saves Chelly, and is pulled under the water, she subsequently blacks out and experiences a rather strange vision (which definitely didn't happen in real life). She first of all sees Ryan, the male version of her who has followed her around throughout the story, first as a reflection, and then as a more tangible manifestation as her dysphoria increases. In this chapter 27 he's more visible than ever before and in danger of taking over. As trans people, we often deal with a displacement of one personality over another, and there's always a risk of the older personality worming its way back in. Ryan has attempted this throughout the entire book and Rylee has managed to fight him off at every turn. This rescue served as a sort of 'final battle' between her personalities, and during it, we saw the return of the little girl that Rylee saw during Chapter 24.
The little girl represents that childhood that Rylee lost due to being socialized male and abused by her parents. She always appears to be bruised and bloody, but here, as Rylee fights Ryan off one last time, we see her become a healthy, happly little girl. Rylee helps her up, she smiles, and then she disappears, which represents her and Rylee becoming one as her fragmented personality heals.
It wasn't this dramatic in real life. Yes, during this incident, I did finally understand that the resistance I was putting up against Tori wasn't necessary and that I just needed to allow myself to be her little sister but there wasn't a good way to write that...other than this. When Rylee awoke and listened to Fiona's speech, she gave no resistance, because she was not only happy to be alive, she finally understood what it was Fiona et al were trying to do.
In real life this incident served as one of many wakeup calls, and I sustained several permenant injuries from it. Whether or not I regret it remains to be seen, twenty years later.
In July, following my gender confirmation surgery(finally), I will be releasing Dear Rylee in both ebook and paperback format. You'll be able to purchase it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Smashwords, and a number of other storefronts too numerous to list. Thanks everyone for being here, it's meant the world to me, even though I've been a dick about comments. In the future...I will probably still be a dick about comments because that's just who I am as a person. Thanks everyone.
Comments
A very well written explanation…….
Which helped to put things in perspective. It is understandable that any writer might just get a little bent out of shape about a comment or two - hell, I am not a writer but I still take offense when someone criticizes something I have done. Not always - after all, sometimes their criticism is correct and very constructive. But sometimes criticism is wrong and unwarranted, and being a dick about it is entirely normal.
However, I would suggest that you try to use the term bitch instead of dick - especially as you are going in for your GCS. Dick is no longer an appropriate description Honey.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
dick / bitch
I don’t know. To me “bitch” is dehumanizing whereas “dick” is not, but then again “dick” is a step away from deadnaming. Maybe “prickly?” But it’s got a prick also.
Rylee, I get that you want to be polite and not offend us, and I’m grateful. Still, I think all of us who have been moved by your work, do understand what enormous emotional investment you have in it. That’s a big part of what makes it so powerful.
I remember the fight I had with my male ego
He would insult me over and over and tell me I was crazy for transitioning. I would calmly talk to him and told him I had to do this and there was nothing he could do about it. He would always be a part of me, but I would eventually silence him. It took some time, but I believe he's gone now, at least he keeps to himself.