. . .”What the fuck?”
In the mid 90s, I’d grown weary of the poorly written transgender stories I read on FM, Storysite, and other online locations.
My massive ego (more about that later) told me that I could write better stories. In college, I’d taken every writing course I could and wrote a humor column for the campus paper, along with sports articles.
My mother was an English teacher who made me write a theme a week, which she graded and corrected. Although I never had her in a formal class, she had a big influence on me. Every once in while I’ll look at my outfit and hear a faint giggle of recognition -- that she’s passed on her taste in dresses. (She also had an art major and loved brilliant colors.)
My first TG writing attempt taught me a lot about what I didn’t know. For example; I had no idea how to structure and punctuate dialogue. I started to buy books online and eventually amassed and devoured over one hundred “how-to-write” tomes.
I read what I could find online in the way of tutorials and joined a writing group that included a very kind published author.
I posted on Storysite and FM for about three years before Erin read “Baseball Annie” and invited me to publish on BC. I soon had a group of writing friends who help me immensely, by editing for me. Over the next twenty or so years, I managed to publish over one-hundred stories.
Along the line, I edited for many dozens of writers. My estimate of stories on BC that I’ve edited would be over one hundred and fifty.
To help Erin with her expenses, I’ve donated quite a number of novels for Hatbox and for her to publish through Doppler Press. I don’t get any of the revenue from those novels.
BC has given me thousands of hours of pleasure.
Lately BC has become much less enjoyable. In fact, it has become somewhat painful. None of this is Erin’s fault. All of the pain is due to my BFE (Big Fucking Ego.)
Several days ago, Erin asked me to write a blog requesting that people write comments on Amazon for the recently Doppler Press published “Texas Two-Step.” According to Erin the number of comments a novel receives has an impact on the number of times Amazon recommends that novel to prospective buyers. Only two or three people bothered to place a comment, which was a blow to my BFE. (So much for all the so-called “friends” I’ve made on BC.)
When your BFE is damaged, that allows doubts to creep in. All of a sudden I started to ask myself – am I a good writer or not? Is Erin publishing my books merely to thank me for the financial support I’ve given BC over the years? It occurred to me that maybe people weren’t commenting on “Texas Two-Step” because their mothers’ taught them, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Then someone, instead of commenting on “Texas Two-Step” on Amazon, elected to tell me in a BC comment, how bad a story it was. Her comments included, “I almost threw it at the wall in disgust.” and “. . .where the FUCK did that insanity come from?”
I suppose I could simply write that off as one person’s desire to rewrite my story to fit her fantasy, but DO I REALLY NEED THIS KIND OF ABUSE? I have a deformed leg due to an injury I got in a fight. I once called out the college conference shop-put champion, who I felt had said the wrong thing. In RL, I’ve sued several people for libel and slander. I don’t react well to unjust public disgrace. If this person felt this way, she should have told me privately. . .if it was such a huge thing to her. It’s cowardly to attack a person online.
In my work, I’m paid a goodly amount to put up with a lot of nonsense. I’m not paid a dime to be embarrassed on BC.
Then the results to the latest BC contest were announced and my story “The Princess Passer” was given a “Third Place,” which really meant it tied for ninth. Based on the number of kudos it received versus the number of hits -- it would appear that a big percentage of people liked it. In fact – I wrote three stories for the contest and the other two didn’t place at all. . .and they weren’t all that bad either – in my BFE’s opinion.
There’s no shame in placing ninth in a BC contest. There are a lot of good BC writers. The problem is -- I’ve read the other stories and judged mine to be one of the top three. Given my mauled BFE -- I can now see that maybe those who judged the contest were right and my writing isn’t as good as I think it is. That means I don’t know what makes a good story.
I normally don’t take part in BC contests. I did take part in Melanie’s a few months ago, and won an award for having the highest percentage of readers continue through all parts of a serial. I now can easily imagine that those people kept hitting my story -- to keep me from complaining so much.
So, what’s the big deal? No one is forced to read what I write. I write for the enjoyment of writing. Basically, writing is putting my thoughts on paper. I’m allowing you to see what I’m thinking. It’s embarrassing to now know, after all these years, that people don’t really think my thoughts are all that interesting.
But – more importantly – I’m guilty of massive intellectual malpractice. As stated above, I’ve edited a lot of stories for a lot of writers. Setting aside my BFE, I now realize I’ve taught a whole lot of people to write just as poorly as I apparently do. That is very disheartening.
I’m un-publishing my stories. I’ve already spent two hours doing this. I’m about halfway through the list. I’ll leave those stories published that are in Hatbox and the promos for the Doppler Press stories. If I’m on the site in the future, it’ll be to copy my stories, so I have an archive. Erin has one more story of mine to publish on Amazon, which she’s free to do, if she really wants to make that effort.
If you’ve read this far, you probably think I’m upset for other reasons. For example, you might think I’m upset because of the number of blogs and comments of mine that have been deleted due to political content. No – I support Erin’s policy of keeping BC apolitical.
I thank Erin for keeping this place going. It serves a great purpose, but not mine – not anymore. I wish her good luck in the future.
Jill
Comments
I'm sorry to see you go
I understand what it is to be unappreciated. I'm not sure just how that can be changed. I for one have always thought you were one of the better writers here on BCTS, certainly one of the most prolific. I hope that after a time, you might be willing to reconsider and come back.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
A sad day for BCTS
I'm not going to beg you to stay or to leave a small sample of your stories to remember you by. Maybe if enough of us did we could talk you out of it, but that's just selfish if you're not happy here. And since you've never done anything like this in the decade+ I've known you I'm well aware this isn't some Drama Queen's attention-seeking gesture but something you've weighed and decided and-
I'm not gonna fucking cry, goddamn it! I'm not gonna- Oops, too late!
I'm going miss you, Jill Honey! You've been a great friend
and have really helped me grow as a writer.
~hugs, Veronica
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
You
Gave me my first advice about P.O.V. I have several of your stories in a file on my laptop. A copy of Sky you printed out for me and sent along with two books authored by your 'other' self sit on my bookshelf. And Baseball Annie holds a special place in my heart and on a flash drive.
But more than that, you were kind enough and generous enough to send my family some help when we first got to know each other. You let me help on a parody and you sent me a DVD that proved to become one of Mrs. D's favorites - As It Is In Heaven, which in turn inspired me to write a short story. I really am saddened that you're leaving; of course because of the absence of your work, but even more so because of your friendship. Thank you for being my friend.
Love, Andrea Lena
I'm not too proud to beg
Angela, please don't go. Your stories and books are well-read and you have 1000s of positive comments to counter the opinions of one.
Your books sell, in the last five years, you've earned tens of thousands of dollars for DopplerPress and BC. Shannon's course alone was $6,500 of that. Heck, we have two more of your books on the publishing schedule right now.
I have a huge ego myself. Sometimes I take it out and let it punch a few walls or scream at the sky because I get my feelings hurt.
Please reconsider. For my sake, because I feel like I failed to protect you from hurt.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Erin
You do all you can to make this a safe place. You didn't fail me.
I'm pleased that those books have generated some income for you. As you know I never would have published the books on my own and when I tried non-TG the publishing world didn't want me.
You're the best; and I'm just really worn out.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Rest up
Our paths will run along together again someday.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
You are a great writer
and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When I first started posting here, I read many of your stories and learned a lot from them so thank you.
I didn't comment on your post about Amazon reviews as at the moment I'm not reading any E-Books at the moment. I'm reading the three volumes of 'The History of the Great Western Railway' by O.S. Nock. I bought a set on an Ebay auction. When I get around to looking at getting some more books then I will comment on them.
Angela, thanks for the comments that you have made on my stories. Please re-consider your actions.
Samantha
I'll miss your stories
it breaks my heart to have an author leave because they don't feel appreciated here. If it helps, I've enjoyed all the stories of yours that I have read.
Would you reconsider?
Angela would you reconsider please. I am not a writer and will admit writing it is one of my weakest skills. I really admire Arin and Samantha an can not think of any greater praise than to have other authors sing you such praise. I do not do Amazon and I would be very surprised if many readers on BC do. If I had your talent for writing I would just say FUCM! and keep on posting. If you decide to stay then GREAT if not then you will be truly missed. Thank you for the joy you have given us.
I'll miss your stories
I almost always read your stories the first day they appear. That's not what I do with poor authors. Whether you leave or not you should know that you write well; you produced good product for your effort. Not every story even if well written will please everyone. If you pleased yourself you have succeeded. Every kudo after that is a bonus.
One of the Best Writers.
As far as I am concerned, you are likely the best, or close to it, writers on the Internet. Whether you stay or go is your choice.
Keep going
Like you, I got started writing TG fiction because I really didn't like the TG fiction I was reading and thought I could do better. But unlike you I guess, I didn't invest in any training. I just sat alone in my apartment and wrote. Whether that was good or bad, I don't know. But I got some positive feedback on my stories. Here on BC there used to be a consistent group of commenters, but they don't comment on my stories any more for whatever reason. And I've gotten more than one review on Amazon that made me cry. Literally. Even here, when writing Texas Belles, I faced some pretty heavy headwinds. And on Amazon, for me anyway, reviews are more scarce than comments on BC. So now my focus is going to be mainly writing for publication on Amazon. I can't just stop writing, so for now I'm just going to limit my exposure on BC since the appetite for the readers here seems to have changed lately. But unless the pitchforks come out, I'm not leaving all together.
Melanie
Keepers
I read every word of Texas Belles and Moxie. I'm sure I'll read them both several times. They're page turners.
You seem to write "younger" than I do, which is a failing for me.
Thanks.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
We all
We all will lose if you go.
Please don’t go.
Please don’t go.
Or If you have to take a break, please come back. Please don’t un-publish your stories.
I didn’t even see the request for comments because I’m working two jobs and freaking out about Real Life Problems. I read (And re-read) your stories because of your skills as an author. I often do not comment except through kudos. I know that I am no one important but I would have commented before now had I seen the blog request. Please do not go. Please do not un-publish your stories.
Please, please do not take your editing services away.
You Are Important
When I get to the point where my ego is so easily bruised I know I need to do "something" about it. Yesterday, Amazon delivered a new dress. I looked pretty in it but I'm didn't feel pretty. I know my petty problems are nothing compared to the RL problems many have. I also know that if I don't back off I'm going to start to lash out. Thanks but you'll soon more that I'm a fungible commodity.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I'm saddened
To hear that someone here on BCTS attacked you in that way and more so that you are considering leaving. I wish that you didn't feel it was necessary, but I also understand that you need to do what you feel is right. I have loved every story of yours that I have ever read and I would have gladly bought your books left positive reviews on Amazon, but alas I've had no money to do so for years. Do not doubt in your abilities though, you are a DAMN fine writer and although some people may try to tell you otherwise through harsh comments and attacks like that, they can never take that away from you.
I lack confidence about my own writing and I fear how it may be received when published, but you? You have not only conquered your own self doubts and fears, but you have proven yourself to be a successful and prolific writer and I admire you greatly. No matter what you decide, no matter what others may say or not say about your writing, never doubt that you are both talented and an inspiration. In your case, I don't think it's ego, but well deserved self-confidence, and I wish that I had half as much as you seem to at times.
*big hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
I Would Trade
. . .all my confidence for a bit of your kindness. Thank you.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
The cowards way out?
Jill, you are no better, no worse than hundreds, thousands of other people I've met. But from our verbal jousting, this isn't you. You're bigger, stronger than this. It isn't one thing such as whoever made nasty comments about one of your stories. That wouldn't make you turn rabbit and run. It's the death by a thousand paper cuts.
You lashed out at me over politics. That was you seeking a relief valve.
Do you have any idea how much you are hurting all your friends with this temper tantrum? Am I one of those friends? I like to think I am. You want to see how much this is hurting me? I can turn the camera on so you can see the tears, the pain.
Damn you Jill, typical human reaction. You're hurt so you hurt those you care about so they can share the pain. It's what humans do.
You and me are a lot alike in a lot more ways then you know. You see, I have an ego too. One where I though I could enrich other's lives. Look in the mirror, you're looking at US. You write to share those stories you enjoy yourself, enriching other people's lives.
You have my email but this is going to take a whole lot more. Pick up your PM. If you're the beautiful person I believe you are who has traded verbal volleys with me over the years I'll be waiting for that person.
The next move is up to you, Love.
Barb
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
You Know I Am A Fan
Not only of your stories but also of you personally. I WILL beg you not to go because of one ill-mannered review. I haven't written except to comment for a while now, because I've simply run out of inspiration, but an Angela Rasch story is always a welcome treat. Please don't deprive us of future enjoyment.
Well damn
I don’t understand why several of my preferred authors here pull the plug. You are a competent writer. Do I like all of your work? No. Do I always read all the way through? Yes. (I don’t do that with everyone.) Do I buy your work on Amazon? Yes, even when I’ve read it here first. Are you a Heinlen class author? No, but your way better than that Faulkner putz. Take some rest time, but please come back. You’ll be hard to find on Amazon without a sign post here on BCTS.
BAK 0.25tspgirl
Hardest part of putting yourself out there: Some thougths
People take a risk when they open up to others. Whether it is meeting a new person, trying to date or learn about someone new, you risk rejection. It is only when we open ourselves up, that we can truly experience friendship, honest relationships, and love.
Schoolmates are mean to you and your parents try to tell you it's not your fault.
Classmates reject your child and you have to explain that it is not your child's fault.
Love fails because people change and evolve. It doesn't mean that the old love wasn't an invaluable part of your past. It means something ended but you still had the good times.
You run into a person at work, in a store, in a social situation, or god forbid online who you disagree with. It happens. 40% of Americans are Democrat and hate the Republicans. 35% are Republicans and hate the Democrats. 25% swing back and forth or hate everyone and try to find the least painful path. In the end, they just want things to work.
When you write a story, create a product or state an opinion, there are going to be a lot of people who agree/like what you have done and a large number who do not.
Years ago Procter and Gamble determined that only one in a hundred thousand customers would actually take the time to complain about their product or call to laud their product. Instead of saying, no one bothers to really complain, they decided to treat every complaint as if they had gotten a hundred thousand complaints. They reacted and dealt with issues identified and they thanked people for complaining. The goal was not to wipe away the complaint but to let the customer and everyone else know they took it seriously.
People can be hurtful from 3 years old until death.
Only a fraction of people will ever take the time to thank you or comment on stories. They are more afraid of being attacked for their opinion than they are worried about helping the authors. Other times, people are thoughtless jerks and they don't care what anyone thinks about their opinion.
You are not a little kid who has never confronted adversity. Someone was a jerk. Great. Do you really care? I don't. I get them on story reviews all the time. Look at my reviews on Amazon. The cheerleader stories get consistent five star reviews and then some person drops a one star and shoots arrows at the story and characters. I search to see if there is any information I can use to make things better in the future and move on. I can't delete it and It'll be there for a long time. It doesn't define me or my work.
The hardest part about putting yourself and your creative work on public display is knowing that someone will not like it. However, over the many years your work has been out there, you consistently get an overwhelming amount of positive responses and support. You are a positive influence to all the people you interact with and you may hurt yourself by abandoning things you have been great at for years.
Like you, every time one of my stories is published, I wait for the first review, usually from Commentator. Then I want another one. I check multiple times a day and when I get a positive review with reasons why someone liked the work, I am thrilled. If I get a bad review, that doesn't take away the good ones. It is simply one of many.
Take a deep breath and remember that people can go crazy when dealing with family and outside influences. Everyone here is a special part of your family. 99% of that is positive. Blow that breath out, take a walk in the park and get back to the life you have been happily living for the last few years and don't blow the opinion of a few people or the lack of response to a blog out of proportion.
I have to admit, I missed your blog. Therefore, I never did what you asked. It wasn't a reflection on you. It was a reflection on the fact that my real life interfered with a lot of things over a few weeks and things got dropped. You are reading too much into this.
You're not a quitter. Get back online and do what you love.
Hopefully, my thoughts are not too disjointed and you get the point.
DD
Your Thoughts
WWLD
(Lee)
Your thoughts are never disjointed. You're 100%correct.
A lot of things hit at once and this was one I could control. Right now "control" is about the last thing any of us has.
I'll keep your words in my heart.
Thank you.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Control is an Illusion
Remember the take down of Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder
"Control is an Illusion ... Nobody knows what is going to happen next.
Not on a freeway, Not on an Airplane ..."
Not at home, Certainly not on the internet where anyone can anonymously attack or threaten you.
When everything in life turns upside down, take a deep breath and step back.
A close relative who was a trauma and emergency surgeon taught me that the more out of control a situation is, the more important our decisions become. In the midst of collapse and disaster, avoid decisions that are not required. Take an extra minute to evaluate because as a situation deteriorates, your actions are more impactful and you have fewer things you will actually have time to do. Rushing in without all the information will lead to decisions you may regret later. Don't react, Decide what to do.
In crisis, I usually become calmer and try to avoid reacting. It unsettles people, but I make wiser decisions.
DD
I love your books ...
... and that's why I grab them up right when they are published.
"Texas Two-Step" is currently sitting on my "SUB" (stack of unread books), even if it is just a virtual stack. So, my general problems with writing comments aside ;-), please don't expect me to comment on a book I haven't got around to reading yet.
Maybe others are doing the same thing and so not commenting on this book is not because of low quality (which I sincerely doubt) but maybe because they are saving it for later (I intentionally keep a few books that I'm sure I will enjoy for times when I'm down and need something to pick me up).
Please don't stop writing, many of us DO cherish your books and are eagerly waiting for the next one - even if we have problems expressing this most of the time.
I felt very sad after reading your blog explaining
that you feel so down you have to remove your stories. However you view your writing at the present time, I could imagine your anger and hurt as I read the blog. I don't think a person that writes so clearly and passionately is a poor writer IMHO. I had to stop and compose myself for a while before I could go back to finish reading. I sincerely hope that you will regain the enjoyment of writing at BC after a time. Thank you for your stories I have read. I did leave kudos, but maybe I was remiss in not leaving comments. Now ending my response sadly.
A Hearfelt Thank You for all that you have done here
Despite the the sad circumstances I want to give you an
ENORMOUS THANK YOU
for all you have done for the site and us readers.
If circumstances change be sure that you will be welcome back.
Also a reminder to me, and probably many others, to give more feedback to authors here. Positive in public, constructive "negative" in private. We certainly don't want to lose more writers.
The Measure of a Good Author
How good of an author are you?
I think one of the best ways to measure how good an author is is by how many people their stories impact in a positive way. It doesn't matter how many people don't like your stories. They can always move on to another story. What matters is how many people like your stories. Love your stories. Have had their life improved by finding your stories.
I signed up for Amazon Kindle on June 19, 2015. I borrowed two books that day. Football Girl by Susan Brown and Rise to the Challenge by Tanya Allan. Two days later I borrowed two more books. Sexy, Cute and Popular and Peaches by Angela Rasch. The next five books I borrowed were also by authors on Big Closet Top Shelf, including When I Count To Three by Tanya Allan. I have read Football Girl and Peaches and many of these other books so many times.
Alas, none of these books by BCTS authors actually mentioned BCTS so it took me a while to find out about this site. When one author mentioned their story was originally on an unnamed site where readers gave feedback that allowed the author to improve the story I started hunting. I eventually found BCTS and was amazed by the all of the awesome stories here, as well as so many of my favorite authors. Alas for me, it was a while longer before I actually got around to creating an account so I couldn't leave comments talking about how awesome I found these stories and I couldn't really join in the conversations here.
What it comes down to is that finding and reading Peaches and Football Girl and When I Count To Three, plus all of these other stories and eventually BCTS, made a huge change in what I typically read. And reading these books had a major impact on how I perceive myself, live my life and who my closest friends are. The only other event I can think of that had such a huge impact on my life was the first time I went to a Science Fiction and Fantasy convention.
I have about 40,000 dead-tree-format books in my house. I have probably read at least three quarters of them. I have no idea how many books and stories I have read since I switched to reading e-books and web stories. But I can tell you this. Out of the many tens of thousands of books and stories I have read in my life, the stories by you and Susan Brown and Tanya Allan and Karin Bishop have had the biggest impact on my life.
That is how good of an author you are.
A Lot of Tears
And, that's how good a reader you are.
Life isn't easy. We're all fragile for one reason or another.
When we say things to one another we can't possibly know what mental state the other person is in. I've told the tale many times of the person who told me one of my stories had caused her to want to commit suicide because the family I depicted was so loving and caring, while hers was not.
You might think that the pebble you've tossed at at a person is something they can easily withstand, when it just happens to be that ounce added to other tons they're already carrying that causes them to come crashing down.
I just got hit with some very small pebbles when I already had too many rocks in my sack.
The opposite is also true. You're comments are as positive and genuine as your avatar. I can only imagine how many other people you have inspired with your kind words. I know that you've made me want to get better at delivering an uplifting message.
(I apologize for Sexy, Cute, and Popular. That was an experiment. It was written strictly for commercial appeal to raise money for BC.)
To understand how I feel -- you have to understand how I think about writing. I imagine crafting a story a lot like sculpting. I start with a huge boulder of a theme and shape that theme around a plot. By chipping away with exposition I hone the story until it becomes readable. The editing process demands that I have a great deal of confidence in my decision-making about what does --and does not -- make a good story.
When I start to doubt my ability to judge a story those decisions become cloudy and the process grinds to a halt.
My BFE is as important to my writing -- as you are. When I write, I give a lot of consideration to how readers like you will react to elements of the story.
I HAVE TO care what the readers think. If if appears I'm starting to miss the mark, the whole game falls apart.
And, maybe - like a lot of us - I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months. Remember, I live in the Twin Cities, so we've had a lot to deal with.
My son - a very determined young man, who played college footbal --, has put his condominium up for sale. He's lived just off trendy Lake Street for about fifteen years, but the riots and burning buildings were within two blocks of him.
I'm soooo on the side of the protesters but wish there had been another way to wake people up.
I've lost a lot of sleep lately because my daughter is pregnant. She was married a year ago to an actuary and even if the school where she teaches doesn't reopen they won't be hurting financially. But - she loves teaching. She's been doing it six years and is really starting to feel like she's good at it -- and does make a difference with her kids.
No big problems - just lots of them.
I spent a day trying to wrap my head around governmental jargon to fill out the PPP loan forgiveness forms -- swearing the entire time - only to find out that the forms probably won't be needed due to a bill going through congress.
Pebbles.
It used to be that when the pebbles got heavy I'd hug my grandkids.
Not being able to hug them is a rock! My daughter-in-law is a mid-wife and in a very large hospital every day, so hugging her kids is out of the question.
Hopefully the world will somehow make a major correction and I'll get back to a place where pebbles don't matter.
Thank you for being so positive!
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I fear this is the real problem
Life does get in the way and right now millions are struggling because of the stress, lack of family contact and worries about the pandemic and the financial consequences.
I'm from the UK but I've visited Minneapolis on several occasions and it's a wonderful part of America and what happened seemed totally out of character with the area.
I found visiting this site helped me tremendously when I was under great stress a few years ago and I recommend that you hang fire. Lots of us find it difficult to feel motivated or to feel appreciated when under pressure from things we have no control over.
Why not just visit to read for a while and take a break from writing and posting?
Your family will be concerned about you so don't make the situation worse for yourself and them.
You seem to have a family here too.
Goods-bye Angela
I hate to see you go. You are one of the better writers on BC
You will be missed :-(
Red MacDonald
Dearture
I am sad to see you leaving this site but I doubt that anything I say might sway your decision.
I did buy "Texas Two Step" simply on the merit of who the author is. I haven't read it yet but will comment on it once I have read it.
Best of luck on all future endeavors.
Please don't leave.
Do what I do when a site has become to much ( for any reason ) and just walk away for a while.
leave your works here and just walk away on a time out from here until you feel you can handle it again.
We lose to many from here where they can't return ever, we don't need to lose anyone when there are other ways.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
I'm a little late to this discussion....
I'm a little late to this discussion...but I would just like to say, "Don't stop writing or publishing your stories."
I have different circumstances, but I had to stop writing about a year ago. You see, I was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia back in 2013. First symptoms became apparent in 2008. I was writing a novel, was also an artist working in stained glass panels, and a grocery store cashier. Within one year I lost my job (could no longer do math or count out change reliably) and then I started losing my vocabulary and verbal skills. By 2010 I was almost non-verbal and it took forever to write or construct sentences. As a sort of 'Hail Mary,' my psychiatrist started my on Aricept, which had helped the cognition in some Alzheimers patients. It worked. In 2013, I spent a week at Mayo Clinic and was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. In 2017, I dusted off my old novel and started rewriting it--using the old manuscript as a template. I shrank and condensed it down to a tight, carefully plotted mystery and self-published it through Smashwords. It's not been wildly successful, but I sold around fifty or so copies the first year after it was published. I started a sequel (the first four chapters are available here--author's name Charles Schiman) but then I started having strokes. And the writing started causing headaches. After three strokes, I decided to quit writing. I miss it a lot and wonder what I could have created if I was just able to continue writing through the pain.
I guess I live vicariously through the writing of others. Sometimes, I feel like they are developing the story and their characters just like I might have done. That feeling is, I must say, wonderful.
Please continue to write. I'll miss you. And to the rest of you writers here at BC, I read your stuff, too. Keep at it. You really are appreciated.
charlie
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/missing-without-a-trace-cha...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/832524
I have a couple of things to say here.
none of them, however, are "Please stay!!!"
There are times in everyone's life when they have to take a long step back and a hard look at themselves and what they're trying to accomplish. This, apparently one of those times for you.
We've crossed swords verbally a few times, but you've always been kind about my writing and I've always admired your way of putting words together to make sense and a damned good yarn.
So, in closing, I ain't gonna say "goodbye." I'm gonna say..."Til we meet again," and thank you for all you've done. Viya con Dios. you go and do what helps you recover your "wanna." We'll wait. Forever if that's what it takes. Anything good is worth waiting for...and you're good.
You know you can message me, call me, skype me, P.M. me...whatever if you need to or want to.
hugs,
Cathy
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
I have heard some of what is
I have heard some of what is going on, and I finally decided to read this post after I've read some of your writing on Hatbox.
I haven't read all of your stories yet, and obviously, I won't get to since you're unpublishing them. I'm very sorry that you feel the need to do that, and honestly, if you decide not to repost them, I would ask for a copy so that I can read them. What I've seen is that you are an outstanding author. Do I like all of your stories? For the writing, yes. For the plotlines? Not all of them, however, that doesn't mean I don't like any, or that they're poorly written.
I'm a musician, and I compose music. Most of what I love writing is classical music. Not everyone likes it. In fact, in this day and age, very few like it. :-) That doesn't mean I'm a terrible composer. It just means that people don't like some of what I write.
It took me many years to realize this. I've been a music minister for many years, and I've heard many things that have hurt me in churches. I've chosen not to leave my faith behind because it is part of who I am. It has made me what I am. Many of the people I deal with regularly, however, really stink (I'm putting it very mildly (-: ).
I understand your feelings in this matter, but I would like to point something out. Look at all the people who have commented on this post of yours. They overwhelmingly say how much they love you and enjoy your writing. I'm one of them. As I said above, there are some that I have really enjoyed.
Some will always put us down to make themselves feel better. I believe everyone on this site would agree with that observation. Why let them win? All they are showing is not how bad you are. They are showing how little self-confidence they have.
I remember when I was the music pastor at a church in Dawson Creek, BC. I had a piano tuner come in to, you guessed it, tune the piano. :-) He did a nice job of it, then asked me to play a bit for him. I did, and he said to me, "You don't know much about music, do you?" Now, keep in mind, I majored in music in college, and I play 26 different instruments. Why would he say that to me? I'm guessing A, he was hurt in a church and was taking the opportunity to slam it by taking it out on me, something very likely, and B, he had a very low self-esteem.
You say you have a BFE. So, why let some twerp who can't even bother to PM you win? They're not worth it. Don't let them.
Hugs!
Rosemary
Sorry, Jill
I can't leave comments on Amazon, because I'm not buying ebooks on Amazon. I'm between a rock and a hard place right now. My state is one of those hardcore red states that wouldn't give a lesbian a helping hand, just the back of the hand. For some reason I have to qualify for state medicaid in order to get Medicare and I can't qualify for Medicaid for any one of a number of conflicting reasons. The state seems to pick a new one everytime. I haven't paid my hospital bill in several years, no mon.
I admit, some of the published stories were previously posted for free on BC, but I didn't read them at the time, and now I can't. I almost geeked on "Texas Belles" which I didn't read when it was free. But when I saw the cover art for the sequel I decided nope.
I considered HatBox or Pateron but after finding out that would require two separate memberships I dropped that idea also.
So, as much as I would like to leave reviews I can't afford the admittance fee. Also, my doctor dropped the Hammer of God on me and I go into the hospital later this morning for three days of big time tests. Joy.
So, just a note to say Thank You for all your writing and advice, even when I didn't follow it. Hope I get to see you back again.
Karen J.
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Texas Belles
Curious about your comment on the cover art for the sequel to Texas Belles. You know the old saying, you can't judge a book by it's cover. Despite the cover, there's nothing racy of off-color in Moxie.
Melanie
Yup
I chose the photo for the cover because I thought it showed a young Asian woman who had a guitar and a lot of Moxie—grit, determination, emotional stamina, whatever. It wasn't meant to be an illustration of anyone or any happening in the book.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Not the popular line.....
Anglela? I call horse shit. You are an artist. Artist create for their own degrees of creativity and expression. Artists crave recognition in order to feed their muse and ego. The truth is artists are the worse self hypocrits. As an artist, writer, graphic designer, etc your own self perspection of your art will never live up to its potential simply due to your very creative nature. Thats why so many seek recognition and fall into their own id of needed the attention in order to perpetuate further creations. Its a viscious and incorrect cycle or judging your own worth.
Another very real concept of ALL creative endeavors is the eventual burn out, no matter how good or prolific you are. EVERYONE needs a break from their own muse. Mine goes on vacation quite frequently over the years but i always seem to come back in better form. One thing i have learned is not to burn all your canvases and brushes as well as take a torch to your studio. Simply walk away. maybe leave a quick note that you need time and might return at some unknown date but you dont know. You cant because your ego and muse need to sit in time out and stfu arguing with each other.
This will take time. The only one you may possibly hurt is yourself in the long run. People, whether creators, readers, voyeurs, gamers, art gallery types, everyone has their own individual point of view that does not match what you think they may be thinking. its only circular madness if you try to figure it out and make it fit your own point of view.
Now if you have actually paid attention and read the BS above, then all i truly have to say, Angela, is go. Leave your stories here in safe keeping. you go do you and hopefully eventually we will see you again when YOU feel the time is ready for you to take up the keyboard once again here at BCTS. No excuses. No worries. You do YOU.
So long for now from someone who isn't as into TG fiction on an everyday or every week basis as i may have been for a couple of decades previously. I trust Erin to do her best to still have our haven here when I care to return to the TG genre as is it represented here at the closet.
Beverly Colleen
**********
I am a leaf on the wind, but someone turned the fan off.
Makes Sense to Me
Thanks for the great advice.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)