The Holidays are near....

Guess everyone is expecting me to single jinglebells and toss tinsel around in a jolly green sexy elf girl costume (well ok that would be fun lol) but seriously.....

Am I the only one that feels more like a Scrooge at this time of year (minus the intentional mistreatment of your employee, if you read/watched a scrooge based thingy you know what I am talking about)?

I love the winter, but hate the cold
Love a summers breeze but hate the heat
Can take care of others with ease, but cannt take care of myself, or at least as adequatelly
Used to be able to make excellent decisions, now every decision I make blows up i my face
Got no money, daddy is all I have anymore, but he will not even consider celebrating either
I used to love even through the bitter distain, of the holidays... now I am colder then Glacial Ice towards it

Most of the winter monthes for me, dispite it being my favourite season, ironically is filled with nothing but traumatic & terrifying memories.
I see the little kiddies opening or bragging or buying and picking out their favourite toys, toys I was denied & punished for showing even the slightest desire towards.
I can honestly say I would give up every single present I recieved from the whole of my 30 years of life, just to have gotten a doll, just once
The only xmas celebraion that I relativelly enjoyed was when I was 13... we did not get much that year, because of my hospital bills.... meghan; my sister & I just got something special we asked for.... I do not remember the magaine, it was one of those artsy creative hobbyist ones, my step dad had back when he was considering getting into woodcarving & well mum got those tiny lil porceline whatever realistic looking palm held size babydolls... myself I had alot of things circled... but there was only 1 thing in there that I would keep gawking at over monthes.... I was getting into calligraphy & as I had no set I used outlines for Gothic or old english type (that is what, the font names were back then) and used a ball point pens, regardless of my disdain for ball point pens, to practice... eventually I got better then mum which aggrivated her quite a bit actually but I reminded her, I did this partially for you, just as I taught myself chess so ken...my stepdad and I could bond & as he did not have anyone else to practicse with he enjoyed it until and he was like a master he could beat the most difficult comp levels... I wore him down from hours and hours of continuous loosing, but then as he got tired and bored, he got cocky and i used it to my advantage.... when your a transgirl, one thing we all know well is being able to function on almost no sleep, so I began beating him again and again and again.... which ended up amusing him but also p****** him off relentlessly. So I reminded mum, we each have our artistic talents.... she is excellet at sketching, which she taught herself by peeking regularily at a classmate back in the day she used to cheat off of lol (ya.....she is not afraid to admit it).
Anyways this that I was so mesmeried with, was a dipping set... It came with this beautifully decorated glass & silver ink well, the pen was beachwood on either side of a silver link cap thing that also was delicatelly patterned, and a set of some of the most beutiful tips I have ever seen... I still use it today, even for basic writing, I hae bicks, and ballpoints, I prefer to right with a dipper, suits my history loving personality I guess lol.... but when I opened that for the first and likely only time ever in christmas I cried happy tears, even for a brief moment...
All others however were just the usual, enforcment of masculiniy, denied femininity, estrangment and splits amung family ovr stupid rivalries.
For over a decade I prayed etc for the all so typical 'make me a complete girl' demand, begging everything... too like every other damn morning wake up as the same I had fallen asleep.
I hated present time, only thing I enjoyed about it was wrapping them
I had well even still have such bitter envy towards my sister, whom took it all for granted, bitched about it and alwyas been a self righteous sociopathic narccist that hated being female...
I seriously doubt many here would disagree with me on this for themselves, but I would never be like that, being a girl is a gift that the only thing higher is motherhood... I would take it in stride, but waking up with the constant realization, that beliving in divine Genies especially prayer is fruitless, why I made my last one, more or less with tht very stipulation that if I had not be made fully female by the time I woke up thatthere would never be another feeding (praying, dieities feed off worship)
I seriously hate the holidays; broken promises, unanswered prayers & wishes, estrangment, trauma's, povertyetc, what the hell is the point?
This past week... month even like usual has been a breakdown everyday, several daily... now the lat couple days, I have been in a fowl disgruntelled mood
I am tired of the envy
I hate the holidays
I understand life is unfair..... but to have caused me so much agony.... How can someone look to someone as maliciously sadist as that?where the 3 ghosties when ya nreed the
Hopefully you all have a lovely holiday