Hello out there,
So I'm at it again and this time wanted some feedback. I've been experimenting with Showing like I talked about yesterday and wanted to run one of my experiments by you.
The scene is Adrian finishing up in the restroom. This scene also happens to be the scene I want as the cover of my book.
Have a look.
***
09:59 Nov 17
I rubbed my hands dry on one of the towels on the wall, opened the door and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stopped and stared at myself. The person in the mirror ran his hands through his sandy-blonde curls and smiled, dimples forming as his face tightened. It was a hollow smile. He leaned forward, I looked into his green eyes and saw a spark of what could be.
The boy in the mirror disappeared and a thin girl appeared in his place, her curly blonde hair pulled back into a pony-tail. She spun around in her red dress, one arm held daintily to her side and the other one clutched to her chest.
The girl faded and was replaced by the boy again. The smile faded from his face as he looked down at his T-shirt, lifted it and stared at his stomach. He grabbed it squishing a small portion of it with his hands. Why am I so fat? I hate how I look!
I forced myself to think positively. You’re going to therapy next week. You can control your weight.
I turned away from the mirror and grabbed my stomach. YOU CAN LOSE THIS!
Tears ran down my face, and as I was about to wipe my eyes, I noticed my mother in the doorway. I quickly pulled my shirt back down and dried my eyes.
Her face scrunched up and tears ran down her face. She spread her arms out, I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her.
***
So this scene is also in the book I posted here but there are some pretty big differences. Previously I focused on Adrian's weight which is still there but I really wanted to play with the mirror.
I'm not sure if it worked but Adrian seeing a boy in the mirror and them imagining how she really wants to be is what I wanted to focus on instead. I want to know if it's confusing or if it was reimagined well.
Anyways thanks for reading.
~Katherine
Edit:
Added Original for comparison.
***
09:59 Nov 17I finished washing my hands and dried them off. As I was leaving the bathroom I got a glance of myself in the mirror. The person standing before me was a young sandy blonde curly haired boy with green eyes and dimples for days. I lifted up my T-shirt and looked at my stomach, it was big enough I could grab it and squish it together. *Why am I so fat?* I didn’t want to be this way. I thought back to the last couple of days. *I’m transgender. I can’t change that, it’s beyond my control.* I’d read a lot about it and knew. *Your weight.* I thought to myself. *Your weight you CAN control. You can lose this.* I grabbed my stomach, *YOU CAN LOSE THIS!* Tears started running down my face and as I was about to wipe my eyes I noticed my mother in the doorway. I quickly pulled my shirt back down and wiped my eyes.
I could see the tears forming in my Mom’s eyes. She didn’t say anything but she spread her arms for a hug.
***
Comments
Good
This is a good scene. Showing more than telling, using vivid words, and illuminating character thoughts through actions.
Good work.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Not Bad
Not knowing how the original version went to compare it to I can only parrot what Erin has said. You've used a good selection of descriptive words and phrases to bring color and life to the small scene.
- Leona
Fixed it.
I went ahead and Quoted the Original so you can have a comparison.
*Beams*
Thanks, I appreciate the feedback.
Sorry not trying to out do
Sorry not trying to out do what you had done but I think with practice...
Grabbing one of the hand towels, the door was left open. It was as I was closing it the mirror caught my eye. Standing there he stood with dirty hands wishing to rub them trough the curls that framed his face; my face. Sandy blonde, my hair was thinning, pulled up on my forehead. I gave a smile that felt hollow and thought of how the spark that always filled green eyes had dimmed somewhat.
It was as I stared back into my reflection another imaged appeared. Overshadowing herself on top of the one in the mirror. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail letting the curled blonde ends bounce from shoulder to shoulder. Instead of a drab shirt she wore a red dress. Was it my imagination or did she do a twirl for my benefit then place an arm daintily to her side giving a laugh as she clutched her chest for breath? Her eyes glistened, sparkled where mine looked drab and dull.
And in a fleeting moment she was gone, replaced by the boy again as my own smile faded again into the background as her face melded into mine again. Looking down at my T-shirt with its smudges and dirt, my image did the same then lifted it high to stare what sat underneath. His stomach and how the shirt barely covered it. Grabbing as much flesh as possible he squished a small portion leaving a red mark from his fingernails once released. Why am I so fat? He seemed to ask me. We both hated the rolling flesh as grabbed more of this unsightly mess that bounced it in place like Santa Clause or a jolly fat man. But I wasn't one. It disgusted me. YOU CAN LOSE THIS! I demanded before turning away from the mirror for he to was didn't want to be seen with staining water running down his face. It was as I turned there she stood just outside the door-frame. Quickly I pulled my shirt up to my face only to expose my shame before her while trying to hide what many said should be done behind closed doors. Quickly I tucked it back in even as my face burned before her.
Who was I kidding trying to hide something from my own mother with arms spread own before us. Unashamed I took several halted steps over to her and found myself pressing my face into her scrunched up expression. Embracing her two sets of embarrassment and shame intermingle into one from two shared sets of cloth.
Not bad overall.
"I stopped and stared at myself. The person in the mirror ran his hands through his sandy-blonde curls and smiled, dimples forming as his face tightened." It sounds as if the narrator is frozen while his reflection runs his hands through his hair.
Beyond that, well, maybe one more thing:
"Why am I so fat? I hate how I look!" This is the first time we read about his fat issues -- after the hair, after the appearance of the girl, after his reappearance. I think the fatness should appear as he appears in the mirror.
I'm not satisfied with that myself. One thing one can do, let the SDT imagery appear with revision.
Again, I'm not really satisfied with that. It just came to mind. "I hate how I look," is another telling, that should be shown.
I think the best is if you improved over my examples.
-- Daphne Xu
Thanks for the feedback.
I was sort of going for an otherworldly feel of someone else being in the mirror. Someone who wasn't her. Because she's trans. I feel that way sometimes like "WTF who the hell is that in the mirror?!"
I really like your mirror revision though. The thing with Adrian is she really isn't fat but like someone with Anorexia, she sees any fat on her body as her being fat. In your revision that part about seeing the fat person in the mirror really works and I may add something similar.
Earlier on in the book Todd a bully pushed Adrian into a pole knocking her down and yelled at her that she was fat. Then Adrian explained that the bully overheard a conversation between Adrian and Anne talking about her being concerned about her weight. Todd's been using it as ammo against Adrian. Todd's not phobic or anything Todd's under a lot of stress and Adrian happens to be his stress ball. I was thinking about writing book 2's prologue about Todd and his family putting a lot of pressure on him.
Later on, in the book, there's a part where Adrian pulls her hair because she's frustrated about being trans. Maybe I can do something similar here.