5:22 in the AM, and I can't sleep...well, not much anyway. Too many things running into one another in my mind. Nobody to sleep with anyway. Used to have a cat, but I let him down and had to have him put to sleep. Interesting phrase, that, 'put to sleep.' Everyone knows they aren't really sleeping, they're dead, but I guess it's easier to swallow if you just think they went to sleep and will never wake up...or something.

Got my Real Life Test beginning next Tuesday. Was nervous about it, and I guess in a way, I still am, but somehow it doesn't seem as urgent as it did a couple of days ago.

Got the book signing next weekend on Saturday. You'd think I'd be nervous about that too, but I'm not. Not any more anyway. Got some posters put up around town in a few places...the ones who would LET me put one up anyway. Gotta set up things with newspaper and radio stations, and cement the deal with local television for the spot they wanna do the night before the signing. (They don't work Saturdays, you see.)

Mom is in the hospital with pneumonia, only a month or so from having had her left leg taken above the knee. This doesn't bode well at all. 81 years old with breathing problems, diabetes, high blood pressure and various and sundry other ills. I love Mom with all my heart, but I fear that ain't gonna be enough. One more loss coming, and this one will, in a sense, leave me an orphan...at MY age? Dad went back in 2000, peacefully in his sleep. Made it to 84 the old reprobate did. I wonder if he would have understood about 'Catherine?'

Feeling really dumb about baring my feelings and soul in blogs here about my dumb cat, but got some wonderful, heartfelt responses so maybe I at least helped others to remember their lost friends and maybe smile just a little.

I gotta make sure to get this book signing thing right. I feel a responsibility to all the other wonderful, talented writers here at Top Shelf and elsewhere on the TG 'net', a lot of whom make me look like a second rate hacker with a one track mind. As small as this deal really is, it's big in the sense that I'm gonna be representing every TG, writer or not, to the general public, and I gotta do it right...for them.

Feel REALLY guilty that I got folks out there, hoping for another chapter in my stories, but I have ZERO inspiration right now. Shouldn't have ever started on them til they were finished. Well, live and learn...hopefully.

Lotsa folks say I've helped them in some way or another. I guess I don't see it, or I'm selling myself short. All I do is try to make people feel good about themselves and not put them down. Society does enough of the 'putting down' thing. It doesn't need my help.

Hell, I've gotten so much help over the years I've been online, that all I'm really doing is 'paying it forward,' even though I really DO mean the things I say to help people feel a bit better about themselves. I dunno. It always feels, to me, like I'm not doing NEARLY enough for others.

Looking around, I know that I've been blessed when compared to some others. I never got beaten by my parents. Oh I got picked on a bit by other kids and stuff, but never anything as serious or as heartbreaking as some of the 'kids' have been. God, my heart goes out to them and I wish I could heal their pain.

Thing is, I've always been a lazy shit. Always just cruising along, hoping things don't get too bad and dealing with stuff as it comes up. Never planned to get this old and have no clue how I'm gonna keep things together when I can't work anymore.

Ya know, it's lonely, even on the internet, at this time of the morning. 'Course, I'm lonely a lot anyway. Oughtta be used to it by now, don't ya think?

Still, usually I'd be curled up in bed with a warm little furball snuggled up against me. Now, I just got me. Oh I know I did the 'right thing' and all that, but damn I miss that little idiot. Only been a day. What's it gonna be like a week from now? Am I ever gonna be able to stop crying?

Then there's my sisters. My real life sisters I mean. To them, once I start my RLT and finally transition, I'm dead. Oh I'll always love them regardless, but it hurts a lot to know that they can't accept and help...even if just a little. I know they're gonna be embarrassed when I start to appear in public as my real self, but what can I do? It's damn near driven me crazy, hiding my real self, as it is. Still, like I said before, I got it better than a lot. Count your blessings Cathy and soldier on.

Probably boring the shit out of anybody reading this mish-mosh right now. Sorry about that, whoever you are. I just gotta get this stuff outta my head.

Guess I'm in line for Chantix, the stop smoking miracle drug. That'll be a good thing...I guess. After 50 years, it seems like I was born smoking. Hopefully the V.A. will be able to supply it to me. I damn sure can't afford it myself. It's said that it workd relly well...for those for whom it works. For some, it increases what they call, 'suicidal ideation.' Well, I've been there and dealt with it okay...with some help. I can do it again if the worst happens.

Don't get me wrong. I have a lot for which to be thankful. GOOD friends, both here at home, and on the 'net.' Supportive co-workers and an understanding boss who is backing my move into the Real Life Test, as well as the County Attorney who is also backing my play. I can't let them down either...and yet...it seems like that's what I do best...letting people down.

Oh I talk a great game...but way down deep inside, I always know that it's mostly only talk. I mean, what I tell others, to help them, is the real deal, and I mean every word of that, but when it comes to me...well, look in the dictionary under the word failure. There's a picture of me. This RLT and book signing are gonna be real tests for me in more than one way. Can I do this right? Can I follow through for once and not let myself down...again?

Looking outside. Dawn is breaking on a new day, and I can see where I buried my cat. and crying...still. Got stuff I should do today, but somehow, it seems less important than it did a couple of days ago. Oh I gotta do it...I just don't wanna do it as much as I did then.

Someone wants to include me in a writing project, and I'm honored and flattered, but...I don't know if I can give it the attention it deserves. At least, not right now. How do I tell the rest involved that I just don't know? Damn. Guess I just did...if they read this, anyway.

I suppose I oughtta end this thing, but it's comforting right now, to just sit here and type. I'd talk to somebody...if there was anybody up, but...it's just me.

There's so much I wanna do, but I don't see that I'll ever accomplish any of it. Well, at least now, with the book, there'll be something to remind people that I was once here. Do I wanna die? Hell no! But it will come. Maybe sooner, maybe later. Will I be able to face it with courage...or will I bawl like a baby? Guess only time will tell.

In celebration and mourning of one kitty's life, I am,
Catherine Linda Michel