This morning I was listening to an old song, Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here." And it made me want to post today. Not sure why, but it definitely made me think about posting something here today. Several weeks ago, I asked Erin to re-publish my stories. My old laptop's hard drive failed and took everything I'd written and posted here, and a lot of other material as well.
It was hard to re-read them. I hadn't touched any of those stories in a very long time (over 3 years ago). That distance allowed me to see errors that I'd glossed over and that bothered me. It always does. But I also noticed a few days later that people had been reading them. Got a few kudos and even a nice PM (thank you!). Back before I gave up on writing completely, I had mapped out a complete revamping of the Battletech story I did for DarkKitten's contest. Expanding it into a full on novel length story, and perhaps more. I remember most of what I had worked out. The outline was another one of those things lost in the drive failure. >Shrugs<
I really love storytelling. I turned 50 last year, and I've been coming up with stories since I was very little. I've ran RPG games since I was 14. I love it. And now, I have a hard time explaining how much it hurts when I go and try to write. I stare at that cursor on the blank screen and my hands shake. My stomach starts to churn and the nausea starts. Then there's that need to go and check email, or see if there's something new on one of the YouTube channels I watch, etc.. I distract myself from the idea of writing, and the shakes stop. The nausea goes away. That fear kills me. Just writing this stuff bothers me, makes me extremely uncomfortable. But today, my need to share got the best of the anxiety. I've tried so many times over the last few years to write stories again. It never works out. I get an idea and my mind starts to run with it and it all seems really clear. I go to put it on the page and it dims, and while minutes ago it was all worked out in my head, it's all awkward now. Writing used to be a release for me. Things that sit and fester in my mind weren't so bad after working them into a story. And then I gave up. Last October, as I mentioned in a comment on another blog post, I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore and pretend that I was going to accomplish anything for NaNoWriMo.
Mentally, I've kicked myself over and over and over again due to not being able to get past the fear. And when the depression is bad, and I'm in a deep blue funk as I call them, that little voice in the back of my mind taunts me. It taunts me about how I've never accomplished anything with my writing. That I will never accomplish anything with it. That I should just give up. I get to when I try and sleep, I pray to gods I don't believe in to stop me from waking up. Just let it all be over and done with.
I want to write stories, and I can't. And, it's killing me. Sorry for bothering you all with my emotional crap.
Comments
I'm so sorry you're struggling.
I'm kinda in the same place writing wise. have a huggle, maybe have something soothing like a cup of hot tea near when you want to write?
I second this suggestion.
Copious cups of hot tea (perhaps of the green or black variety if you need a little caffeine boost) have always worked for me in calming this! :)
Depression
I have the opposite of your problem. I find that writing helps ease my depression.
The problem I have is after writing a couple of stories I don't have any ideas for a new twist on the same subject. I have written one chapter about a little boy who would rather be a girl. His dad left, but his mom is totally supportive of the boy. Now, I've run out of anything for the characters to do that is not the same old bla bla bla.
I read somewhere on this site that one of the main problems with new writers is happy people with no problems. That describes my stories. My life is the opposite of that, and it's hard to put my characters through anything like what I've gone through.
Still, when you look at the best writers, problems and their resolution is the core of the story. People don't want to read about a world where the main character has one problem...gender dysphoria...the problem gets solved and she or he lives happily ever after.
I guess I care about my characters too much. Maybe it's time to inflict some pain.
Jamie
Sometimes the best approach
Sometimes the best approach is to intentionally NOT try writing what you have thought through in your mind. You can't imagine how many starts of stories I have saved under the growing electronic dust... or that have fallen to the delete key. The more I have thought something through... the more the story might bore me enough to make the putting to paper (or keyboard) anticlimactic... at best.
Sometimes, it's almost easier to start a piece of fluff with no intention of going anywhere (which is often what happens), though sometimes a story can suddenly take a life of its own. I would extend this thought to suggest that one shouldn't try TOO hard to push the direction.
Just keep writing, even if a string of pieces never see the light of day.
A little trick that I do sometimes is to start with an innocuous piece of dialogue. Something as simple as a character saying "Why?" can allow you describe thoughts, feelings, and settings/clothes/etc... like: "Why?" he said in a trembling whisper as he looked down at the impossibility of cleavage in his girlfriend's LBD that clung to other curves that his body shouldn't have had either. Something like that might lead to: Until earlier that morning, (name) didn't even know what that meant. Another character's response shouldn't follow too far down the road to loose a reader. A setting can almost be a character of sorts too (like the hotel in the Shining).
Before long, your alternating dialogue, descriptions, an emotions might lead you several pages down a path... that you might want to keep writing to see what happens next too!
Even know, my silly little example has left me almost itching to expand it into a story where our hero MIGHT have agreed to accept a "Women in (fill in the blank)" award in her stead while his girlfriend simultaneously attends another must-go-to function. Just for the one night of course... maybe she didn't mean to pluck his brows so much... maybe... well... sundry hijinx ensue.
Good luck and, most importantly, don't let it become work. I should probably follow my own advise (as I find myself feeling some of the very things you describe while I am working on a piece right now). It has been way too easy to check emails, or favorite YouTube updates, or to read wonderful postings here or on Amazon, or to even respond to blogs!!!!
Sigh...
Have fun!
Hugs,
Stacy