What I need: A proofreader, and possibly an editor. Someone to check spelling, grammar etc. Also someone to help me with flow and consistency issues.
What I'm working on: A Whateley fan fiction or Whateley independent fiction.
What I have: Currently about 10,000 words +- a few... I'm not stuck per se, but can see some issues with what I have written.
What is posted: look here to get an idea of what I'm writing.
Thank you for your help!
Editor proofreader needed
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Comments
I'll have a look
Hey Missy Mousey/Anne/Tori (not sure what you call you :))?
Is the story titled Nowhereville the one you want proofread/edited?
At any rate, I'll see to read into it and if I feel like I can help I'll let you know :)
Tori will do
I'm using a slightly different pseudonym to write than I originally signed on here with. But since I had this account set up... Meh I'll work that out when I get ready to post!
Had an initial look
Hi Tori.
I had an initial look but was unable to finish, yet.
This was partly because I was already rather tired but also because I found the story hard to follow and read.
While on the one hand, I like some of the immediate approach ("One step… pause… drag… wobble… ") it's also something that doesn't make for a fluid reading. Also, It was hard to follow where the protagonist was, at least at the beginning - was he inside and wanted to get out, or the other way around? Why was he there, at all? Why was he in such a bad shape?
I haven't read far enough to give an overall impression.
It may help for you to post this as a google doc so editors can make corrections or suggestions.
google docs...
For some reason Google docs is misbehaving for me today. I will try something else.
Nowerevill
I read what you have and i wan't more,Look good too me. You might want too post it hear on BC.
Thank you
Thank you for reading, and commenting. Hopefully I can get this beaten into shape as a story and get it up here and at The Chrystal hall. But to do that I will probably need a writing partner which is why I'm asking here.
Some thoughts ... mostly what I see are simple mistakes
For example, WERE instead of WHERE. Or failure to keep consistent in language. The little girl speaks archaically one moment and not the next.
All pretty minor stuff. Of course, picking on the name Kelly gets to me. But, it would anyway. I am Irish.
But, I would say that a majority of your mistakes are simple blindness that as authors we all share. We fill in words or self correct and miss mistakes as we write.
You don't really need anything more than a standard proofreader for that.
However, as far as plot devices, I can see you might feel you need someone who can embrace the genre of animism and mysticism to bounce ideas off of and see if they work.
My recommendation is to go for a skeptic who embraces existentialism but not mysticism. They will find the loopholes fast. Kinda like the How It Should Have Ended youtube videos.
That will enhance the story. They will feel the motivation to hide in the haunted place. Kelly was running for his life. A primal instinct. Yet, after transforming into a dog, the primal force evaporates and Kelly considers vengeance without the same passion to survive. There needs to be a palpable reason to go from flight to fight. That psychological motivation of a partner will give the story a vibrancy and intensity.
Your added mysticism will have Kelly feeling the power of the dog he has joined, have him becomes aware of a strength unfamiliar to him, and more. The opportunity to build tension from what he is, to what he has become, and then to what he can do could be a rich source of internal dialogue if you partner with a skeptic.
For inspiration, pun intended, think 'The Stranger' by Albert Camus for your companion muse.
Look for a kind of Albert.
Good luck,
AuP
Thank you
For reading, and for taking the time to write this insightful comment. Yes, I'm hoping to find someone to poke holes in my plot, so that I don't get all wrapped up in something that fails to play, so to speak. I also sent you a private message as well. Keep well, and I shall hope for a writing partner.
Re: Some thoughts
Overall, I'm in agreement with AuP, the errors that I can see there are mostly rather minor.
One thing I noticed is that you use parentheses when they aren't really needed, separating those bits with a comma on both ends, or with comma on one end and semi-colon on the other, would make just as much sense as how they are written now.
Also, there were places where you added phrases or worded things in ways that didn't quite make sense. Here's an example:
"some small part of Kelly's mind warned to be out in would be deadly."
Change that to this: "some small part of Kelly's mind warned him that it would be very deadly to his person to be out there that night.",
And it makes more sense as well as getting the idea of the danger across rather implicitly.
If you want someone to edit and proofread, I'll be glad to offer my help. I might also be able to come up with ideas on how to continue it.
Thank you!
Thank you for taking time to read my story and comment on what I have up. I really do hope I get this one right. I'm continuing to drive forward with getting a complete story done, rather than spending forever polishing the beginning. Not that I think the beginning of this story shouldn't be polished some more, but I'm well aware of the useless nature of endless polishing while not moving toward some end that will bring about a conclusion.
Re: Thank you!
I read what you sent me last night, proofed and edited it and sent it back to you just now, marked as Revised. Hope you like it.
I have to say that there wasn't a lot that absolutely needed to be changed. You have a good story there.
I tried to keep the changes as small as possible and still keep the story progressing as you initially envisioned it.
I got it!
I got what you sent, made the changes you recommended, and have been noodling around about how to drive the story forward. Thank you for your time!
It continues forward with a ...
It continues forward with an encounter with a mirror. Trust me.
AuP
P.S. Ever read Gilgamesh?
Why?
Why should I use a mirror when I can use dream space? Oh eventually she may have to drop the seeming of Coyote and look at herself as a girl :-) but not soon. Nope, she still has a lot to process, and an arrival at Whateley to get through. Though I haven't really mentioned who else came through with Kayda have I? Hmmm... I wonder who it was and why they haven't been mentioned yet!
Actually no I haven't read Gilgamesh, too much other stuff to read, Nor have I read Beowolf.
Because it isn't ...
Because it isn't dream space. An extensional mixture of reality can propel a story like this and move it forward. My favorite use of this technique is Alice through the Looking Glass.
Trust me. Give it a try.
Oh, and don't assume the Coyote is looking at just herself. She could also be looking at her tormentors or where she came from, etc. hint hint.
You have an excellent foundation in this story for a rich heroic epic in which Kelly finds and discovers the heroine she is. That is why I mentioned Gilgamesh. But, Beowulf works too.
The reason I recommend using a mirror to propel the story forward is that a mirror is devoid of the tangible strengths of the coyote. The coyote can't smell it, hear it, taste it, or touch it. A mirror projects a reality a coyote can't deal with.
Alternatively, your story could go in the direction of staying in the dreamscape sans mirror. Gulliver's Travels is that kind of story. However, Gulliver by the end of the book has gone totally insane.
AuP