As Deputy Chief Johnson might say, Whaay Thank yooou!

Thanks for all the love and care and of course a special thanks to Dottie!

My niece was wed a few weekends ago. I don't socialize well due to panic attacks, but that day was as challenging as I've ever endured. The older I get in mere daily increments, the harder it becomes to face dysphoria. The pain grows less in many small ways because Mrs. D and I talk about gender a lot. She recently remarked, (TISSUE ALERT) "I don't know if you're my husband...or brother... or even maybe sister. I just know I love you."

At my niece's wedding reception, the talk was about my son and his girlfriend being 'next,' which is a very reasonable assumption, I have never seen him so happy. I continually am concerned about how much of a struggle it has been for him and how grinded he is in spite of my problems he endured growing up. He is aware of a good deal of the abuse I endured, but he knows nothing of my father;s role. What also knows is that I got help, and while our relationship was never in doubt, he is as much of a friend to me as anyone and a great son.

The service was at dawn at a lovely park but between the long drive and lack of sleep I was in rough shape from the start. He sat next to me and noticed my shaking - the tremors get very pronounced under stress. When the service was over, there were the obligatory pictures, and I hated being photographed - I don't hate or even dislike myself, but being around 100 or so folks who likely don't accept transgender; coupled with my already anxious morning, and I was left feeling vulnerable the rest of the day - spent at a BBQ at the family post-reception. I don;t want to be his mom, but I really hope that someday he'll know this part of me.

I was so physically drained by the tremors and balance issues that the rest of the week to the following Sunday , cry became de riguer; especially when Mrs. D was out and about. I have neuropsych eval the beginning of August and we're going into NYC for ot immunologist. The ironic thing is that everything is organic, but gets worse with stress. It's nice to know, in an odd way, that while everything IS in my head, it's reason to relax,

So the outpouring just helped me gain some needed perspective - love does that, you know? I'll be okay. I should just quote Louise Gehrig when she said " I consider myself the luckiest girl on the face of the earth. " Thank you!