...When I'm worried and I can't sleep... I count my blessings instead of sheep and then I fall asleep counting my blessings. There's always been a connection for me to music. I would lie awake at night when I was little...tunes danced in my head more than the memory of a new bike or a model plane. There's so much comfort and strength in music. I sing to myself all the time...I've taken to learning Italian just so I can sing to my wife. And I sing to God, I suppose, since it really is in me to do so.

It's oddly coincidental, but My Lament and Adventure/Confession really fit together. When I was little, like some of us; too many I fear; I found that I didn't want to be a boy. My father, as much as I loved him, was a brutal man who beat my sister and me...My older brother escaped beatings by simply allowing my father to slap or punch him. My little brother escaped literally by leaving the house early and coming home late. My sister and I escaped by moving from what was real to what made us feel better. She ate..too much, a way of protection and comfort for the twin horrors of abuse and the molestation we both endured at my uncle's hand. My escape...a little girl with no voice other than to sing in my ear every day...she didn't have a name until now. My friend Liz reminded me that my name can be interpreted as warrior; in Basque it actually means lady or ladylike. Andrea is part of who God provided in a way to protect me and Joann and sorta fight our battles. We stood side by side in defiance of the abuse...Joann told her friend just before she died how she thought of me every day. Andrea is not a mere name slapped onto a misfit who wears a dress, as some might see it.

I wrote Confession as my parallel to Todd's frustration and feelings of loss and hopelessness. Just as many of us here have suffered the dilemma of coming out as transgender; forced somehow to either be a girl and live without family or stay a boy and live without hope, Todd has to choose at least for now which is more important. But a dilemma is always painful because the choices appear almost equal. One choice rejects the other. I am not transsexual; I have no yearnings in that regard. It doesn't make me any less transgendered, since even my therapist says the Andrea is a vital, significant part of the whole, and is more than just an expression. She is me, and I her, in a way. Just as Todd is faced with choices, so am I. So are you.

If I had never come out to this community as a crossdresser, would you have thought any less of me; I know there are many here who embrace my persona and call me friend. I found out recently that I may have a bit of African-American heritage, my grandfather being an orphan with no background, but pictures reveal he wasn't just another white guy from New York. I'm sorry to say, but some "out there" might be taken aback by that revelation. I suppose, and I've almost tasted this several times; there are some who might be taken aback by the revelation that "Hey...I thought she was a girl." Well, in more ways than one, I am...Ask my best friends here.

Like Todd explained, and some might disagree, it's not merely about the dress. The Lament is an expression for me and even some others here who I know, who have felt rejection, not from their families or girlfriends or wives...but from their sisters-in-arms.... some who might believe that we who have not changed outwardly are somehow not the daughters and sisters and wives and mothers we are on the inside. Todd has made his choice, even though the consequences are yet to be known, he loves Jeannie more than life itself, including Claire's life. He's been forced to make a painful choice, leaving him at least for now with loss no matter what. And as The Lament shows, some of us feel like we're being forced in some small way to make the same choice. You can't really be TG...unless...you can't know how horrible it is to deny yourself unless...putting conditions on some of us they would reject for themselves from others.

It is a time to be truly thankful. I have a home to go to where, as Stan reminded us the other day, "everybody knows your name." A haven in the midst of the fear of rejection. Friends and new sisters every day...blessing me beyond belief with encouragement and support and unconditional love. I finally know who I am...I am a father, a brother, a husband, a son...I embrace who I am; my past and my present. But I am also a mother, a sister, a wife and a daughter. I am growing stronger as the whole person because a long time ago, in a dark room on the floor, holding my scared sister very tight, a little girl was born...she grew up in secret, and she was my sister's best friend, even if she didn't have a name until this year. I have a family who may never know "her" name, but they will always be loved and love her back, even if they don't know that she is their he.

I had...rather I have a sister who no longer resides here on earth. I have a family, who I expect will, with some awkwardness and fear, get to know Andrea eventually, or maybe not at all, again, we make choices. But I have a family here; lovely folks who have embraced me and made me feel good about myself in some ways for the first time in my life. I have two daughters here as well as a best friend who is the Lucy to my Ethel. I have a friend who tells me not to cry too hard. I have a friend who reminds me to cry as often as I need..and they're both right. I have a "big" sister here who brightens my day just with a smile from a photo. I have a sister who takes me seriously all the time, even when I'm kidding, and I have a sister here who reminds me not to take myself or life so seriously. I have a friend who, with just a single word, can make my day, and I have sisters here who with eloquence and words worthy of a Pulitzer lift my heart. I have a few brothers here as well, including one who is always there to offer support. My family may never get to know you; I hope that's not the case. But they will get to know you as they get to know me better as I grow together more each day. You all are such a blessing, and I am so thankful that you are in my life. Happy Thanksgiving, mi sorella e fratella
Andrea Lena DiMaggio

Count Your Blessings
Words and music by Irving Berlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2-XXzYU77E