I will admit that early on in life I didn't identify as a girl. I know there are those who claim to have known ever since they were two or three, that was not me. The cynical side of me (which as a born New Yorker I got a heaping double portion of) wonders if it even possible for a person to realize their is even a gender divide at that age, but I understand that I am trying to place things in my own frame of reference and can see how that can get in the way of being accurate.

My earliest memories are from when I was three. There are a lot of mundane things that I recall that validates some of the more unpleasant things. I remember the wrought iron staircase in my Uncle Sal's home that took a ninety degree turn halfway up. I remember the grandfather clock on the center landing and how I was fascinated by the swinging pendulum. I thought the clock was magic. I remember having this big plastic coloring canvas of all the super heroes on it that never got finished. I remember my cousin Teresa teaching me how to wipe my tushy after going potty. There were some not so pleasant things I remember too, but I don't want to go into those. What I don't remember was a sense of identity or a feeling that I was of the wrong biology. I just was.

Throughout my early childhood, mostly between the ages of 4-8, I do remember that when I went to sleep and would curl up into the fetal position and imagine myself a baby again, but the distinct difference was that I was a baby girl. Looking back it was an odd image for a young child to have, but perhaps that was the genesis of Katie (and it is Katie, not KT, please). I do have a memory of my Aunt asking me if I wanted to be a girl when I was about 6, but that is a memory I cannot confirm. Perhaps people saw things in me that I was doing subconsciously. I do know around the time I was 9 I was getting corrected quite often and severely for the way I walked, the way I stood, the way I talked, the way I pouted, nothing was quite masculine enough. I don't know if other 'boys' went through this or did everything come ever so naturally to them.

Then there was Jason Reynolds. (Last name changed). He was the first boy I had a crush on, only, I didn't know he was a boy. He wasn't trans or feminine at all, but the first interaction I had with him was brief and with his long hair, I thought he was a girl (this was mid 80s when long hair was not yet in vogue). I remember one of my earliest fantasies were of he and me. Then come Monday I find out that the pretty girl I was lusting after wasn't a girl at all, but a boy. That didn't change things though, I just changed the fantasies to me being a girl in them. In those days I had no clue as to what homosexuality was and relationships consisted of a man and a woman.

Perhaps that was when the gender divide happened for me, because that kind of fantasy (me being the girl) would reign supreme for quite some time.

That kind of fantasy also created in me quite a dilemma. It was something that kept me from going forward with transition for quite some time. If my wanting to be a woman was only to fulfill some carnal pleasure, then it was in some way wrong (please note I am stating my belief system and not trying to negate anyone else's, just because I give my perspective I am not saying any one else's is bad or wrong). It made me think that my wanting to be a female was cheap and immoral. Early on I don't think it mattered as much because I didn't know about being transgender or transitioning and thought that I was destined to live life being a man, kind of a play the hand you're dealt mentality.

Then I started writing. It gave me an avenue to explore what it was that was inside of me. Was I a girl in a biologically incorrect body or was I in need of some sexual fetish in order to achieve orgasm. To me, one was noble and the other I should work on to eradicate (again, I am working in my belief systems that I only apply to me). Early on I wrote often about children because it took the sexual component out of things as much as it could. Being abused early and often, some sexual content did filter in and at the time, I couldn't divorce the two concepts (so sorry about 'how life can change').

Gradually I was able to get past some of the more disturbing images of my past and was able to explore my gender in a more healthy way. I didn't think I would ever get to transition. I wanted to, but it seemed unobtainable and I didn't even know if I "really" wanted to. I was functioning very well as a man. I was an international wrestler, I was in college and had won my first nationals as a freshman under a very prestigious coach, and was looking towards going to the olympics.

Then came the dream. You will notice dreams play a big role in my stories, almost as big as some underlying Christian themes. I remember the dream well. At the time, in real life, I was a 19 year old college freshman who just won his first nation championship and was getting ready to finish his first year of school. In the dream I was an 8 year old girl in a pink party dress and white stockings, my hair was long and curly and bounced as I made my way down the stairs towards my step father. He was smiling at me and I remember feeling pretty. I didn't even know pretty could be an emotion. He was going to take me to Toys-R-Us and I was going to pick out a doll.

I didn't know if I was dreaming an event that didn't happen or one that was a conglomeration of a few other events (won't go into details about my abusive step father here). I seriously doubt he ever took me out in public dressed as a girl, but there are other less pleasant memories.

Either way, I remember waking up from that dream and distinctly thinking "I'm supposed to be a girl". It was so certain. As if something in my mind unlocked. I didn't do anything with that revelation though. My life was on a course of my own choosing and I was the captain of a great luxury liner that was bound for competing over seas for my country. I didn't have time to "be a girl" and in a homophobic (where the word is used correctly, wrestlers fear homosexuals and fear being perceived as homosexuals) sport would have meant almost certain death. So I put it on the back burner and lived vicariously online through reading stories.

A few years later I discover Fictionmania and write "The Wishing Blanket". The initial response was so overwhelmingly good that it was like a drug. Then I found Big Closet, and started writing here and living vicariously through characters I created. I wrote How Life Can Change and The Christmas Diary, all extensions of things I wished would have happened to me.

But still there was no desire to transition. Sure, I had a few wardrobe selections that I could wear in private, but I would never go out in public and disgrace myself so. (this is my personal view as myself, and again not a value judgment on anyone else).

The biggest hurdle was separating my sexual appetite from my identity. I don't know if others have this issue, but it took me the longest time to realize that my desire to be female had nothing to do with homosexual tendencies or sexual gratification. Unfortunately when you place yourself in a bubble and marry those concepts to each other, sometimes it becomes next to impossible to see them as separate entities. I think that is why I sometimes get upset at transgender erotica (yes it is hypocritical of me because I have several erotic titles). I think it says more about me than it does the whole genre. I don't want my identity to be confused with some kink. I wonder if that makes any sense.

But it gives me pause to think about what it is to be transgender and when I fit that description. Unlike what some have claimed, I do not think that one has to be living in transition to be transgender. I think there are a lot of people who are transgender and don't transition at all for whatever reason and that doesn't make their identity any less valid. In fact, I think in some cases it is quite noble for some people not to transition because of prior commitments (like a marriage or military service - which I hope that changes soon). Nor do I think I am more transgender or batter transgender that I decided to transition, that's just silly. As if a person's identity is conditional. Kind of like saying I'm more American, or I'm more Christian. So when did I become trans?

I smile.

I smile because I am coming to the conclusion that the when and the why doesn't really matter at all. What matters is the now? I am, in this moment, living a more authentic life and am finding peace and happiness are not determined by how I dress or how long my hair is, but in being honest with myself and the world around me.