Next year will be 20 years since I came out, 18 years since I had mtf surgery. Now I have questions. You old timers know who I am, and the problem logging in with my old user name. (Gwen Brown)
Tonight I looked on the internet to hire a male escort. The results were chancy and evasive at best. I stopped because it all seemed really dangerous. It sounds like most encounters with escorts end up being counselling sessions with no sex. That's OK because I won't have a climax and my neo vagina is too small to be useful. 1" x 3" and that is pushing it. Might be blood. My body is completely non-responsive to sexual stimulation. I can't complain about my looks at 5'7" 170 lbs. Nice breasts. At 77, I'm no longer beautiful. Bummer.
All the time I was looking, I was wondering what sort of STDs I might contract. Hepatitis is a worry too. I have mild Multiple Sclerosis, so I wonder how that would react to my misbehaving.
The other day I called the VA crisis line, saying that I was not suicidal but just wanted to talk. Now I've had two phone calls and one letter from them. I should have known better because they always want to give drugs or get me in a group with people that ... yeah.
I was using a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)(I don't know what they are called in the UK). I'm thinking that I should start using her again. Medicare does not pay, so it would be on me. Fine.
Just venting. Advice would be welcome.
Ahabidah
Comments
End of Life Party
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light." 'Dylan Thomas' Credit.
Rant: What is this pinning for sex??
Please forgive me for ranting on about this issue.
Disclosure: I am located the asexuality spectrum. Specifically I am demisexual.
I have a very hard time with the huge obsession many people have with sex and all things related to sex acts and intercourse. Especially from people who insist that they are good Christians.
I grew up in a community where obedience to Bible principles and Christian values were very important. Reading the Bible every day and “meditating” on how what we read in the Bible would apply to our daily life was a practice I grew up with. Though I also started questioning from an early age what I perceived as discrepancies between what the Bible teaches and how [especially] authority figures lived on a day to day basis.
I put meditating in quotation marks because meditation was considered idolatry (akin to satanism) based on the budhist practice of meditation. I have since learned that the definition is far broader than just that one far eastern religious practice.
But back to the sex thing. To this day, I still consider that having sex should be the expression of a healthy relationship built up over a period of time. I was taught, and I can see the logic behind that teaching, that having premarital sex undermines the trust of fidelity that is the foundation of any long-term stable marriage. Because, if you go for premarital or extramarital sex so easily now, how easily will you go for extramarital sex in the future?
I also admit to not being innocent in this regard. Though knowing what I now know about my sexuality, I can now understand why those encounters were so difficult, unsatisfying and even emotionally painful.
I also find it difficult to make and keep friends, because the social expectation has become so focused on sex and sex acts. It seems to me, that just people are just seeking to satisfy their own lust for instant gratification instead of investing time and effort into a meaningful relationship and friendship. And having to pay a therapist, counselor or even an escort just to have a “chin wag” defeats the purpose in my mind. Because you can NOT buy friendship or relationships with other people!
Gwen, I will NOT tell you how to live your life. Please take my rant with a grain of salt. And if you find something beneficial for yourself, I am glad to have helped. Otherwise, please forgive me for ranting.
Jessica Nicole
You Are Right.
I am a complete hypocrite. It is not so much the pining for sex, but when one deals with men, sex is often the price of companionship. Sometimes it is the same with women. It is not the need for sex. As I related in my blog, my body does not respond to it. The loneliness is hard and online relationships do not replace those that are in person. I have an acquaintance who is a gay male that is about half my age...
Still, you have given me food for thought.
Ahabidah
Sex is highly overrated.
I'm73, been widowed 14 years this month, my wife was bedridden with MS for her last 9 years. She was the only one I ever dated starting with her in US 11th grade and myself in 12th. So I've had no sex for 23 years. Very seldom does the urge strike and when it does I take matters in hand. I have no urge to find another partner. I like being alone. I see my daughter once a year for a few hours. The only thing I miss is a cuddle. Had an 18 year old cat until 3 years ago who filled that need. Knowing pets, they often get underfoot. With 2 artificial knees, most of my back plated and screwed together, I can't afford the possibility of being tripped. So life goes on, my modest needs mostly met by those here at BC. I regret nothing in my life, I made my own decisions and will until the day I die. The worst problem I see amongst the sad and depressed is when they start to "what if" or "but only" their decisions. For better of worse the past is the past and can not be changed. So do your best to not second guess yourself, it only leads to frustration.
Jennifer Sue
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue