Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 10-16 , 2016

January 10, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

We had choir today. The church is more fun when we could sing as that was something I could look forward to. My voice was not broken yet, so I still had all the good solos. Father Immer was a bit frustrated over the teasing in the choir. He warned everyone to stop teasing me. We sang much better when we sang as a united group of friends. I think it would take a miracle for Noah to be nice.

When I was home, I sat in my bedroom and thought about things. So much has that besides I would never be famous on Netflix. I could still do modelling. I did not care if I was famous. When everyone thought I would be famous, they wanted to be my friends. They didn't want to be my friends now. I did not care. Things were going much better now at home. I was happy! There was no drama or arguments.

In the afternoon, I worked on the essay. I wanted to win a new laptop and my essay would be in the newspaper!

January 11, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I did not go to school today as I had to visit Doctor Mary. She gave me the puberty blocker and took a lot of measurements. She sighed as she said that I was not growing and my muscle mass was still declining, which meant that I was getting weaker. I did not think it was such a problem, as I did not plan on getting in any fights. She also said my co-ordination was still bad

Doctor Mary said it was disappointing that I did not get the Netflix contract because the media found out how the mad doctor fooled around with my body. Doctor Mary thought the picture in the newspaper of me in a dress coming home from Annie's house was cute. It looked like the doctor was getting frustrated as she said that it was a shame that Netflix would not take chances with a boy caught in a dress. I listened as she said that I could have been a role model.

I told the doctor that I was not sad about Netflix. I was not even sad that Annie has dumped me. I told her that Dad now was trying his best. Bella and Andrew were good friends. I was happy modelling and in the choir. I do not know if doctor Mary said, she did not like when people put others in boxes or give children titles such as Transgendered, ADHD child and all those categories one can be in. I did not understand a lot of what was being said. I did understand that I should not let the idea of being gender fluid define me. It was only a part of me.

We were finished with the doctor and driving home. I told mom that the doctor was quite distant today, as it seemed as if she was thinking out loud and did not care if we understood her. Mom did not say anything. I noticed that she was pale and sweat was on her forehead. Mom looked like a corpse. I asked if she was feeling well, but she did not answer.

January 12, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I wonder if Bella is mad at me. We have not talked since the big kiss. It was as if we did not know what to say to each other. I started to think that the kiss was a mistake, even if it was not planned. The big thing was did the kiss mean we love each other? Did I want Bella to be my girlfriend?

Maybe I was gay! We had school showers today and it was so embarrassing. I could not help but look at the other boys. Then I remembered that Andrew has a heart in his book with the initials “A and A”. I dreamt a few times that Andrew and I kissed. Being a teenager is so hard. Teenagers are confused about their identity and at the same time, society tells us what our identity should be.

At dinner, I spilt my water. This has happened a lot lately. I thought that this was meant that my coordination was bad.

I worked on the essay all night.

January 13, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Noah was his usual self today. He teased me that I was in the wrong class. I should be in primary school. He was right in some ways. I was not tall and I bet even some children in primary school was taller than me.

I worked on my essay when I was at home. This was hard, as Sarah wanted me to play some games with her. I tried telling her that I had to do this essay. Sarah did not like this so I promised her that we can do something later. Sarah sulked and sighed. My sister was not born with patience. I worked on my essay once again and I forgot my promise to Sarah

As I was going down to say goodnight to my parents, I heard Dad speaking, “I am trying my best with Allie. I do not get mad when he is in his girl mode. I think he has been brainwashed by his aunt, the media and other things. Even though I am trying, I am worried about him. Does society accept that he is more feminine than masculine? Is it our fault as parents because we do not know what to do? Will he have friends? What about his salvation? Does God approve of sissies, especially if they become gay? The Bible is clear that this is not right.”

I could not sleep that well after what Dad had to say. I did not want my parents to worry about me. I did not hurt anyone. I considered that I had a good heart. I had good parents. There was no need to worry about me

January 14, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was a bad day, just as I was convincing myself that life was perfect. I could not find Bella at lunchtime. I wanted to finally talk about the famous kiss that we had. I looked everywhere. I was distracted when I saw an ambulance at the school. I wished that I was taller, as a group of children were gathered around and I could not see what happened. Then I was told that Bella was taken to the hospital as she was badly beaten up. It was Noah and his friends that had done it. I could not believe it, they beat my best friend up so much, that she had to go to the hospital.

Dad met me after school and said that we should visit the hospital I was afraid that Bella would die. What would my life be like if Bella was dead? I cried on the way to the hospital. I was relieved when we were told at the hospital that Bella was released and was now at home. Dad rang Bella's granny but was told that we should wait a few days until we visited Bella.

I felt as if it was my fault. I should have been there to protect Bella.

January 15, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

It was hard being at school all day. Andrew and I were so sad that Bella was bullied so hard that she had to go to the hospital. I did not understand why Noah was expelled, especially when he told me that I could be next. I was now afraid of my life. I usually did not snitch on others or tattletale, but fear made me tell Dad about Noah's threats. After I told dad this, I felt bad as Dad now had more to worry about.

When it was dinner time, there was a sippy cup at my place. I protested and told mom that I did not need it. Mom got mad at me and asked me how many times did I drop my glass this week? I had no answer and could not answer as mom said she was too tired to discuss it. I thought that mom must be having that middle-aged crisis that people talk about.

Mom and Dad were not impressed when I found an old pacifier and used it when we were seeing TV. I told them that if they think I was a baby, then I would use it. My parents did not comment on it. They probably thought that I would get tired of the protest. I used the pacifier all night, as I admit that I liked it. It was relaxing and soothing.

January 16, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Billy moved out today so there were boxes all over the place. I wanted to help him move out, but the boxes were too heavy. It was a bit embarrassing that Sarah had no problem lifting them. Billy would now live in a small flat, that was more like a big bedroom. It was what he could afford. I noticed that he lived close enough that mom could still do his washing.

Sarah asked if she could use Billy's old bedroom as a walk-in closet.

I visited Bella in the afternoon. Her face was all swollen and black and blue. She warned me not to make her laugh as it hurt. After some silence, we talked about the kiss. Bella was as confused as me. She told me that she did not want to be my girlfriend, as girlfriends come and go, and she did not like smoochy things. She considered that we were more than girlfriend and boyfriend... we were soulmates. Soulmates were for eternity. I agreed with her. On my way home, I decided that I had to google what a soul mate was