Friday, June 3, 2016

Pillow talk.

Some evening conversations are more interesting than others. Take tonight, for instance.

"Now really, Alonzo, your parents weren't anywhere near as bad as you made me think."

"You didn't have to live with them once Dad saw the light."

"Now really, I didn't smell even a hint of brimstone. Chantal doesn't seem to think they're so bad, either."

"Grandchildren get spoiled, children don't have that luxury."

"My, you're contrary tonight."

I know, I get that way when I have to deal with my parents."

"Actually, your mother had some very good suggestions for a small wedding, although every time I think about it there's someone else we just have to invite. I just found out my New York grandparents are planning to come."

"I suspect both sets of mine will be there."

"And then there's Amahle's folks and Dawn's grandmother Mary and the poker boys and…

"And the sisters and cousins and aunts. That's it! We could have the wedding on the HMS Pinafore!"

"Only if you want the bride puking at the ceremony. I get seasick."

"We may have to rent the hockey arena before we're done."

"Too much ice. Maybe a soccer pitch?"

"Then we had best 'make a little list' and stick to it. Could we get Gilbert & Sullivan to provide the music?"

"It would involve a court order to exhume them and I doubt they'd be too lively even after we dug them up."

"You're getting gruesome. We need some practical plans."

"We have to make some plans for after the wedding, too."

"Like who moves when and where. You did notice how I made sure Mom and Dad knew I was still living in my apartment and not with you. Some subjects aren't fit dinner conversation."

"Well, you are still living in your own apartment, even if we trade sleeping spaces. Poor Chantal couldn't figure out why we put her on the couch when she got sleepy instead of in her own bedroom with Dawn."

"At least she's still young enough not to know why we did that."

"It won't be much longer, though."

"My lease is up at the end of July, so that's one deadline."

"So you and Chantal need to move in here, of course. We wouldn't all fit into your apartment."

"I didn't want to be the one to suggest it, but it certainly makes sense. You have much more room, and with no rent to pay on a second place we have more for your surgery."

"And we can think about expanding the studio if we need more room for our professional lives. Once we're set up you wouldn't have to worry about renting space for special projects."

"We did pretty well working together for the picnic. I certainly enjoy working with you, but let's put off those decisions until we figure out how well we live with each other. I learned the first time around that living together is quite a challenge. I don't want to flub it again."

"Think you could get out of the last month of your lease. You could move in tomorrow and we could start to find out how it would work."

"Impetuous little thing, aren't you?"

"I miss having you in bed with me."

"Think how much easier planning the wedding will be if we don't have to keep traveling between houses."

"I assume Darcy is part of the deal?"

"Of course. We're a family. A weird family, but a family."

"Good. She's a really good kid."

"Not so much a kid any more. The tentative high school girl who didn't know what to do with her life is no longer with us. She filled the holes that were holding me back with her computer expertise and I seem to have unlocked her creativity. Symbiosis in action."

"I love you, you crazy woman."

"And I love you, you crazy man."

"And we better get to sleep or we're just asking Dawn to decide she's hungry in the middle of the night."

"Crazy, but wise. Good night, lover."
 

A Side Note:

It occurs to me after talking about who we were inviting to the wedding that I have given short shrift to the friends I made through Alonzo. I certainly don't want to give anyone the impression we abandoned everyone he knew when we got together, but since this journal is about my journey as a transwoman his friends sort of got lost in the shuffle. We just didn't tell too many people about my previous life.

We made an effort to let Chantal have time with her friends from school and her old neighborhood. Fortunately our places were only a mile or two apart, but with our busy life that distance was daunting. Likewise, Alonzo had his own cadre of friends and we spent time with them whenever possible.

As anyone who moves from being single to being married can attest, you lose touch with single friends as your life begins to revolve around your family. Our sudden shift to a large family only made the change more evident.

So feel free to fill in with some backyard picnics, trips to the park and such family oriented things to supplement the gaps in my recollections. There were plenty of summer days when we arrived home tired but happy from spending time with friends from both of our past lives.
 

Monday, June 6, 2016

I did it. Made the call, transferred the deposit and I will have my surgery done on July 25. It hardly seems real after all this time.

Alonzo took us all out to dinner to celebrate.
 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

You know what's crazy? It was easier to book my reassignment surgery than to book my flight.

Make that our flights. Ursula came over to help with the air miles stuff, but Janet came with her. I was informed that there was no way I was flying to Thailand all by my lonesome, so Darcy was going to accompany me. With the two of them I kind of just said 'yes, mother' a lot and let them bulldoze me.

Not that I resisted all that hard. The buggers had already worked it out with Alonzo for taking care of the kids while we're gone.

Then it was 'this flight goes there but you can't use air miles on it' and 'you can use the air miles but there isn't a seat for Darcy' and 'we appreciate your business but we're going to give you the runaround just because we can do it.' I swear Ursula got into cop mode a dozen times to browbeat bureaucrats into submission.

We get on a plane July 22 at godawful in the morning, fly for hours and hours, wait in an airport for hours and hours, fly for more hours and hours and have some poor sap who probably doesn't speak English pour us into a hotel room near the hospital.

At least I hope it's near the hospital. If we can recover from the 14 hour time zone change fast enough we might get to see a pagoda or two before I get to count backwards for the anesthesiologist.

I hope they speak English there, I can't count in Thai, forwards or backwards.

Then I get to recover for a couple of weeks and fly back home. If I feel good enough I may even get to be a tourist.

Here's hoping.

If all goes as planned we'll be back in time for my birthday in August.

I'm psyched! It finally seems real.
 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Moving day. I'll say one thing for Alonzo, when he makes up his mind he just does it. I got to meet his best man Dean. Rory, Alonzo, and a couple of my poker buddies (now our poker buddies) came over, we rented a U-haul and began schlepping stuff around. Some of my furniture went to the Goodwill and his took its place, we found room for another dresser in our bedroom and a lot of stuff from my place and his is at the Goodwill as well. I had a lot of stuff living in a big place all by myself. Choices had to be made!

The closet became much more tightly packed with all of our clothes in there. Good thing I haven't been presenting as a woman all that long, I haven't had time to fill the closet completely.

Yet. I'm working on it, though. Maybe a closet expansion before a studio extension?

Dawn's big sister got quite the workout keeping the baby out of the way. Dawn is enthusiastically climbing on everything climbable these days. If she isn't climbing she's scooting around and if she isn't scooting she's threatening to start walking.

Alonzo assures me I'll live through this stage, after all he and Chantal did, but I have my doubts.

It was sweet to kiss Alonzo goodnight and know he didn't have to go home, he was already there.
 

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Mom called, asking if she should have both Alonzo and me on the adoption paperwork. I hadn't thought of that, but I gave Alonzo a quick call and he was very pleased that my mother had thought of him. Of course he wanted to adopt. Back to Mom and she will get things finalized. The final home inspection should be on Friday.

I wonder if a formal adoption for Chantal is in order? She already has a mother who keeps in touch with her, so I wouldn't want to come between them. An idea for later on, too much going on right now to think about it.

Thursday night we all cleaned like busy beavers. Of course, Dawn will undo all that in only minutes, but that's life.
 

Friday, June 10, 2016

Roweena came back for the inspection. I think she was taken aback by the changes. No longer a single mother and a month old baby, now a happy, boisterous family of five. We didn't tell her that most weekends it's six with Rory there - TMI.

Darcy met her at the door since I was finishing up a sitting. Alonzo had postponed an appointment until the afternoon to be there and Chantal was dressed in her finest with beaded pigtails clacking every time she moved her head.

I joined them partway through the house tour after finishing up and was able to get Dawn awake to greet our company. After a few minutes of shy, Dawn frog hopped her way over to Roweena and climbed up her legs babbling away. The kid knows how to make friends.

Check off another box in on the way to our future as official parents. I just hope the case is before Judge Mika, I'd love to have him see just how Dawn has grown and meet her new family.

This proud mother knows no bounds to showing off her family.
 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I'm a failure as a transgendered bride. I know I'm supposed to go bananas over finding the perfect dress and the perfect shoes and the perfect…

Yes, I wear skirts maybe eighty percent of the time just because I can. I like jewellery and accessories and sometimes go for out-and-out bling. I can even appreciate wearing a bra regularly on rare occasions I remember my past life, but dammit, I'm a working mother with two little girls to take care of. My man helps with the cooking and housework and such, but I just can't get excited about spending a fortune on a dress I'm going to wear once and then hide in a closet somewhere.

So drum me out of the corps, I'm going for something simple, probably white, reasonably low cut (I got 'em and intend to flaunt 'em) and no more than a couple of hundred bucks.

My mother was shocked. After whining about really being a girl all those years here I am waffling about a chance to go all-out feminine.

Life it strange.

So we go dress shopping tomorrow evening. Actually, I've gotten into the mother-and-daughter dress thing with Chantal. Dawn's too little yet, but I love going out with her matching my dress, and screw the looks some people give us. She's my daughter and I love her! Which makes me wonder how my mother would react if I proposed mother-daughter-and-grandmother dresses. I seldom see my mother in a dress or skirt. I'll have to save that idea for after the wedding. I don't want to put the poor woman in a tizzy.

Frankly, my first thought was to search the second-hand stores for a gown. When I first started dressing up my wardrobe came from Goodwill and the Salvation Army. Those first selections were in atrocious taste, but with a little experience and a lot of looking at the Internet and fashion magazines I actually found some very nice stuff.

Nah - that will never do for my mother. Now I wonder if I can con her into paying? That would be sweet - my mother actually buying something feminine for me. She's stood by me all the way, even though with a bit of skepticism, but she's seldom buys me anything girly.

What could be more girly than a wedding dress?
 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

I've got a dress, and yes - mother sprung for it. Also the underwear. She wanted to help dressing me up, so now she's seen my uncovered and baby-chewed breasts.

Snigger!

I did detect one little sigh - perhaps a note of regret for her lost son? - but I'm sure she had a good time dressing her daughter. I don't remember dreaming of having my mother doing this for me, but I certainly had some 'dressing the bride' dreams. I kind of lost it and gave her a big hug in only my lingerie once she had adjusted my bra straps. It's so good to feel like her daughter.

We did find something simple, white and reasonably low cut. Missed out on the cheap part, though. Thanks, Mom! I'm sure Alonzo will appreciate your efforts.
 

June 20, 2016

Dawn is ten months old today. She's mobile, climbing, walking if you hold her hands up, handling toys more dexterously, starting to actively play with her sister and the rest of us. She's eating almost as much real food as nursing. Since I have started to consciously wean her in anticipation of my surgery, she sometimes gets a bit torqued at not having 24/7 access to Mommy.

She's sleeping six hours or more at night pretty consistently, and so am I. That sure does make it easier to go through the day without drifting off if something immediate isn't happening.

She's at the stage where when she encounters something new she looks at it and you can practically see the wheels whirling around in her head as she tries to figure out what's going on. She'll sit there for however long it takes and suddenly move - often just to lose her balance and flop over. Most times she gets right back up, but she can still let the entire county know when she's displeased.

I love that little girl so much!
 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Adoption day. Mom said we didn't all have to troop down to the courthouse to make it official, but it just seemed right that we make a big deal of our daughter being officially and legally part of our family. We did get to see Judge Mika and he played the part of Doting Uncle as much as Stern Judge. We included Mary in the celebration.

Afterwards went out for ice cream. You wouldn't believe how messy the child was after being let loose with her own dish of the stuff. She's had it before, but still scrunches her face up when the first cold bite hits her mouth. Alonzo insisted on chocolate sauce, so he got to clean her up after the damage was done. She obviously loves chocolate - I just hope she doesn't expect chocolate milk from me!
 

Monday, June 27, 2016

Final dress fitting. There is something magical to see a bride when I look in the mirror. Alonzo will be sporting a dove gray tux and looks very handsome.

Funny how I just hated having to put on a monkey suit as a boy. Disgusting things! Vile! Mom and Dad were puzzled as to why I felt that way since I couldn't figure out how to tell them I was really a girl.

So why does Alonzo look so handsome and masculine?

Good thing he's not transgendered, at least from my point of view.
 

Monday, July 4, 2016

With all the bustle for the wedding and having to actually work to earn a living I haven't written diddly squat in ages. The kids are snuggled in bed after enjoying the fireworks, even Dawn. I was a bit worried that the banging and flashing might upset her. Chantal was flying about a thousand feet above the light show she was so excited.

I've started reducing the prolactin in order to wean Dawn before I leave. She's been gradually cutting back naturally as she learns to eat regular food, but I am going to miss nursing.

Less than two weeks to the wedding! It's really going to happen. I'm psyched.
 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

We got the wedding license today. Clerk looked askance at the Male checkbox under my sex but these days they know better than to make an issue of it. Sadly, I'm still legally male for about another month. Alonzo had the paperwork from his divorce ready and all they did was click some computer keys and take our money.

Things are getting very real, now!
 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The rehearsal party went off nicely, even though we had to hold it a day early since the room was booked on the Friday before the wedding. Both sets of parents met for the first time and peace reigned. Those from my side of the aisle had strict instructions not to burden Alonzo's folks with anything approaching gender or LGBTQ.

Cowardly? Maybe.

Practical? Most assuredly!

I'd be surprised if they make it through the wedding without finding out, but with any luck Alonzo and I will be off on our too-short honeymoon. I refuse to feel guilty with sticking our friends and family with the resulting contretemps.

Our phones will be turned off and stashed deep in our luggage for the weekend. We aren't fools, no way, no how!

We decided to pass on the traditional stag and hen parties. At our age and being dedicated to family life, drunken revels and lewd jokes just don't have the appeal they once did.
 

Saturday, July 16, 2016

You can probably figure out I'm not actually writing this on the date above, but I'll try to hit the highlights: now that we're back home:

The entire wedding party made it there on time, the invited guests were there on time, the ceremony was brief but moving. We wrote our own vows.

Chantal pushed Dawn down the aisle in her stroller while she tossed rose petals about, grinning madly. The sisters had matching lilac dresses and they stood with us while we said I do.

Dawn had something emphatic to say as well, but we weren't going to leave her out.

I don't think I've mentioned Darcy was my maid-of-honor yet. Who else would I pick? We matched Rory with a girl I knew from college. She got a real kick out of being an attendant to the guy she used to know, now that he wasn't a guy any more. She didn't spill the beans, either.

My friends at the restaurant went all-out for us. You could hardly move without tripping on a photographer, amateur or pro. This included Chantal and her little digital.

There was a tense moment at the reception when Weird Uncle Burt cornered Alonzo's parents. You never know with Weird Uncle Burt but he had been warned not to tell any off-color jokes at our wedding. For a miracle, he wasn't the one that mentioned my trans status.

We ate our wedding cake like civilized people, none of this stuffing frosting into the other's mouth.

Dawn abandoned any pretense at civilization while eating her cake. This time I got to clean her up and change her.

The kids were wilting by the time Darcy and Rory packed them up. We made our exit along with them. As we left we saw my poker buddy Chad in conversation with Alonzo's parents. Either he didn't get the message or he had enough champagne not to remember. He's the one who let the cat out of the bag.

At that point we didn't give a damn!
 

The Honeymoon:

You don't really think I'm going to tell you about that, do you?
 

Monday, July 18

"Oh boy am I glad you're back!" Darcy greeted us.

"And we love you, too."

"Mommy! Daddy!"

Lots of hugs.

"Hey Alonzo - the Jesus Freaks are freaking out."

"I rather figured. The phone was brimming with messages when I turned it back on this morning. Warnings from my sister, demands from my Dad, lots of pithy bible verses. Even a couple from their preacher. I didn't think the guy knew how to text. How many times have Mom and Dad called?"

"I stopped counting. They didn't believe me when I told them you were actually on your honeymoon."

"Probably because the don't figure I'm really married."

"They were incensed that you didn't answer your phone, so they called the studio line."

"Which shows fundamentalists may be crazy but they aren't dumb."

"A shame they weren't dumb in the sense of deaf-and… So what are you going to do?"

"Face the music. I guess I'll have to go over there and give them a dose of reality."

We'll have to go over there. We got hitched, remember? Teamwork all the way!"

"I knew I married a brave woman."

"We all have our cross to bear."

"Oooh - you're bad!"

"First things first. This weaning business still isn't over yet. I feel like a cow with a broken milking machine."

"When you're done, you need to change your clothes."

"You can't mean Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, can you?"

"I'm thinking more casual-go-to-the-devil clothes. That pretty yellow sundress that's cut down to your navel? That one kind of lets the world know you're all woman. Might distract the old man while we're at it."

"You're bad!"

"It distracts me, a consequence of the evolution he doesn't believe in."

"They know I'm breastfeeding, for cryin' out loud!"

"Knowing and seeing are two different things. Don’t forget some glitzy sandals to show off you pretty toes and those long dangly blue earrings that sort of spin around like a sun-catcher."

"You're developing a fashion sense. I'm proud of you!"

"And I'm proud of you. If they don't like it then they can go to the hell they keep preaching about."
 

Once again I will resort to the highlights, you really don't want to slog through the details, believe me. It was pretty much a recap of the tripe that made me a lapsed Catholic.
 

* Love the sinner, hate the sin.

* Ignore all the rest of Deuteronomy except that one lousy verse about what clothes to wear.

* Lots of verses about proper behavior. Dad must have the entire bible indexed in his head.

* Mother was suitably demure and supportive, just like it says in the bible. Heaven help us if she had something to say for herself.

* What about grandchildren? (They ignored the fact we already have two of them.)

* How could you do this to us?
 

At least there weren't threats of excommunication. Do fundamentalists even have excommunication or is that just for Catholics? Darned if I know. Or care.

We parted without any minds being changed, but there will be a lot of years ahead of us to work things out.
 

When we got home we opened the wedding presents. We have thoughtful friends who really thought about things we would actually like and use. The kicker was the humongous check from Mom and Dad. How many people get to finish financing their reconstructive surgery with their wedding present? I couldn't help but think of the stark differences between Alonzo's parents and mine.

I'm one lucky girl!
 

Friday,July 22, 2016

Damn the TSA and Homeland Security. The buggers won't let you say goodbye at the airplane any more.

Cue the emotional scene as Darcy and I head for the security check. Damn the fucked up medical establishment in the good 'ole USA that makes me fly around the world to be able to afford surgery.

OK, I'm over it.

A likely story.
 

 

That was the next twenty plus hours stuck in a metal tube hurtling through the air so high that the land looks like miniature Lego villages.

Boring!

I repeat: Boring!

I came loaded with several JD Robb mysteries that I hadn't had time to read. This turned out to be a good choice because her detective Eve Dallas can't quite grasp why people have to change time zones when the get farther and farther away from New York City. She's convinced it be so much easier if everybody used the same time. She's a great detective but a lousy astronomer. As I was in the process of having my personal clock inverted, I could see her point.

You wouldn't believe how grungy you feel after a day in an airplane. At least Bangkok hotels have lots of hot water and fluffy towels.
 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Once again I'm going to do the bullet point thing. With the wedding there was so much going on I probably couldn't remember half of it. With the surgery I simply don't want to remember most of it.
 

* Yes, they do have lots of people who speak English there.

* Yes, the doctors are every bit as good as any I've encountered at home.

* Yes, it hurt. What did you expect?

* Yes, I got bored once the worst of the pain was over.

* Yes, once the catheter was removed peeing with my new configuration was interesting. Half of the world's population will understand because they've always peed like that. The other half will never understand because point-and-shoot didn't just get invented for camera fanatics.

* Yes, the medical dildo looked too damn big to fit in there.

* No, I'm not going to make any comparisons to my husband, thank you.

* I don't remember any stories that mentioned that pooping wasn't a unalloyed joy after surgery.
 

Eventually they let me out of the hospital and eventually I could walk again. Not far and not fast, but I almost always made it to the bathroom on time.

When I didn't it was embarrassing.

I did get to see a little bit of Bangkok before I left. Darcy loved the place and I thought it would be worth it to come back some day when I was feeling normal.
 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Exhausted, grubby, jet lagged but home. Everyone was at the airport to greet us. Dawn toddled over to me with a smile; she had started walking while I was gone and I missed it. Video of her second time on her own two feet just doesn't cut it, but it's what I've got.
 

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Dawn's first birthday. Quite a party, but Darcy and I were still jet-lagged. I spent as much time as she would let me hugging her and Chantal. I spent as much time as I could hugging Alonzo when I wasn't hugging the kids.
 

Sunday, August 21, 2016

My twenty-seventh birthday. Or maybe Hope's first birthday. No matter how you slice it it's a day to celebrate. How did I ever find a baby with a birthday only one day off of mine? I'd say the Lord works in mysterious ways but I don't want to tempt fate by getting religious. The kids don't object at all to having birthday cake two days in a row.
 

We tried to give my new body a test drive, but I'm not healed enough yet. I do have some help with the dilation, though.

Lucky me!
 

I had been dreading this birthday for some time, but the sky didn't fall. Before I got married this would have been the day I aged out of my parents' health insurance plan and I would have had to start paying my own way. The good news it that isn't going to happen now. The bad news is that it did happen anyway when we got married and we're already paying those outrageous premiums.

No way I can go without health insurance, though. I support too many doctors these days.
 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Exactly one year ago today I became an instant mother and my life changed drastically. While I feel bad for Dawn's bio-mother, I'll always be grateful to her for giving me a daughter to love and cherish. We are a loving family and life is on the upswing.

I'll close this journal with one observation. I was healed enough to have Alonzo fuck me silly.

So there!