Prologue - Saturday, November 15, 2014

Lillian Terrell was one pissed off teenager. Saturday night and she was grounded! Her parents were so unfair. They got to go to a party and she had to sit around the house and do nothing!

Just because she told then she was going to study with Shelly and ended up at Mark's place. Mark had scored some great weed and was willing to share. And it was great weed. So she was a little bit high when she got home? So what?

She had worked up a really great sulk by the time her parents left with great and portentous warnings about staying in the house and no company. It was so unfair! Christ, she was sixteen already!

That's when Kathy called to tell her there was a really rockin' party over at Dylan's place and she ought to get her ass over there. Right! Fat chance, she was grounded.

But Dylan's parties were epic.

Fuck being grounded. She was going, she could walk there in five minutes and be back before her asshole parents got back. They'd never know.

She'd wear the new skirt that torqued her father off. Too short my ass! Hell, it was supposed to show off her ass. And no panties, flash 'em a little pussy and let the boys wish!

The party was epic. Whatever was in the bottle Jason passed around was flaming! Then the caps that Kurt gave her were the best. At least she thought so, she didn't remember much after that. She must have made it home before her parents because they weren't on her case, but damn, she sure hurt down there. What the fuck happened?

That question contained its own answer.

 

My Enhanced Diary

Let me introduce myself. I started life as John Paul Waldrop, as you might have guessed my parents were fond of the Pope who made so many changes in the Catholic church. I was son of a kick-ass lawyer and an occupational health and safety specialist. The family joke was Dad would cite his clients for their screw-ups and Mom would get them off.

From just about the earliest time I can remember I just plain knew that there was something wrong. I didn't feel like a boy, I was sure I was a girl. I hid it for many years, but by the time I was eighteen I knew I was a woman. Trouble is, I'm also a bit of a coward, I was afraid to come out.

I was also rather stupid and slightly insane. My therapist doesn't like that description, but I think it's close enough to the truth. I turned the money I had saved into traveler's checks and took a trip to Mexico to 'find myself''. What I actually did was find a doctor to do an orchiectomy, so I actually lost part of myself. I haven't missed it, not in the slightest. I no longer had to worry about developing further as a man, and at the time that was enough.

By the time I was a bit older I don't claim to have been all that much wiser or less insane, but at least my therapist Emma kept me from being too crazy. As you will see, I'm not sure how well she succeeded or I wouldn't have this story to tell.

In the freewheeling atmosphere of college I started to let Hope out of the closet, mostly at parties and in bars - you know how that goes when you're in college. Trouble was, it was John-Paul who was becoming known as a photographer, not Hope. I was afraid to let her out and lose my reputation and livelihood.

Then, when I was twenty-three my grandparents died unexpectedly. Grandma Norma dropped dead of a heart attack. Her heart had been dodgy for a few years, but it still blindsided the family when she died. I was close to my grandmother and it devastated me. Grandpa Walter took it hard, so hard that three days later he got drunk and drove head-on into an 18 wheeler. The other driver was only shaken up. Grandpa's little car wasn't much against that behemoth, but I still feel sorry for what the man had to go through.

That's when I finally broke down and saw a shrink, and it wasn't long before my gender issues were revealed. The first shrink didn't really understand gender issues, so he referred me to Emma and she's been helping me cope ever since.

I inherited a bit of money and their home. I was financially stable - well almost - I finally came out and started down the path to outwardly become the woman I was inside.

My parents had a hard time understanding, as did I, but they loved me and we managed to work things out. I was well on my way to transitioning when my life took a very unexpected turn. I had started hormones and my body was changing, but there was still that psychological barrier that held me back from going full time.

I was out and about as Hope often enough that my friends were aware and most were accepting of my tentative transition, but in my professional life I was still John-Paul. I'm a professional photographer, and quite a successful photographer at that. In the world of modeling gender fluidity is no big deal, but I still made a good deal of my income from family portraits and weddings and such. Seems silly from the perspective of the slightly older woman I have become, but no matter how sure I was that I was a woman fear of humiliation or loss of customers or whatever held me back.

This is the story of how that suddenly changed. I call it an enhanced diary or a fictionalized journal; I did keep a diary of sorts through most of my life. Today I watched my daughter walk into the big, brick school building to start kindergarten and I couldn't help but go back and read that diary. The story is interesting enough that I've decided to write it up in more detail with the things I remember and try to make it as immediate as it felt back then.

I do have to warn you that I don't intend to let the letter of the law or piddling things like how the courts and the Department of Social Services actually work get in the way of telling a good story. Perry Mason would be right at home in my courtroom, even if my lawyer mother would have a conniption. So grab hold of your seats, it's been quite a ride.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015 - Early morning

On this beautiful fall day, John-Paul Waldrop had nothing scheduled, but I was up considerably before dawn anyway. I wanted to get some pictures of the sunrise, so naturally I had to be up before the sun rose.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. Hope Waldrop wanted to get some pictures of the sunrise. There was no way John Paul was going to waste this beautiful day when Hope could be enjoying it. The hormones were starting to show results, but my final declaration to the world that Hope was here to stay and John Paul was one with history was somewhere in the near future. I was not quite ready to make the change permanent until the hormones had a little more time to do their job. I easily filled an A cup and it wouldn't be long before I need a bra for physical support, not just the emotional kind.

I'm twenty-six years old, and Hope has been described as an interesting woman. Certainly not beautiful, perhaps handsome might do, or even striking. Long, blonde hair, (after all this is California) rounded face with blue eyes and a small nose. I still use falsies. I know, vanity - but I want to look like a woman when I present as a woman, not an overage teenager. Shoulders perhaps a bit wide, hips still a bit narrow but dressed in a sweet, cap sleeved print blouse, flirty mauve skirt ending slightly below the knee and sandals I think I made a pretty typical California specimen.

Being California - the place with all the nuts and flakes according to some people - I haven't been hiding the Hope part of my personality, but mostly have been John-Paul in my professional life. As the time to transition approaches, I have been even more open.

Hang a high-end SLR around my neck just above my modest enhanced bust, a camera case and a purse and presto! You have a the appearance of a bona-fide tourist. You see them all over the place in California.

With sleep still in my eyes, I made a pilgrimage through the McDonalds drive-thru. Contently nibbling on a steak bagel and sipping coffee, I headed for the mountains. Driving the twisty mountain roads in the predawn was a challenge, but the view from the top made it all worth it.

I took the time to set up my equipment at my chosen spot then, sipping the last of the coffee, waited as the glow in the east brightened. Then I started taking a snap every few seconds to capture the glorious sunrise frame by frame until the ball of light stood dramatically above the peaks.

As I carefully packed up my equipment I noticed the tram cables fading off into the distance. It had been quite a while since I rode the on the tram. Why not do it today? I could always get some good candid shots of the people enjoying their day.

So I drove back down the mountain road, much more enjoyable now that it was light and parked in the lot for the tram. Fitting the telephoto lens on my camera, I left the camera bag behind. Candid photos are much more easily obtained from a distance, so I didn't need any of my other lenses.

As I headed toward the ticket booth a car pulled in at a far higher speed than was prudent. A young girl got out, but something seemed off to my photographer's eye. Yes, my transgendered soul winced at the oversized shirt, ragged pants and hiking boots the girl was wearing, but that wasn't the problem.

I faded back a bit and continued to watch as the young girl - a very young girl - reached in the back seat and pulled out a baby carrier.

Now I was really interested. The girl looked far too young to be a mother, but history had shown that age isn't a barrier to pregnancy. Loaded down with the carrier and a diaper bag, the girl headed for the ticket booth, but not directly. Her gait was odd and she couldn't seem to keep walking in a straight line. Following a couple of rows of cars behind, I took a couple of snaps, knowing full well that all I was going to get was the back of the girl, but what the hell, I had a big memory card.

The girl bought her ticket, apparently with some difficulty. I was too far away to hear the conversation, but the girl spent a lot of time digging through her purse. At last the girl proceeded through to the waiting area; so I quickly bought my ticket and followed.

Sitting as far from the girl as I could, I studied my subject. There was something odd about her eyes - could the girl be high on something? So far the baby seemed to be asleep, but the girl's body language seemed to be ignoring the infant. Strange. I surreptitiously added a few more images, taken with the camera sitting on my lap while I glanced at the camera screen. Autofocus had its uses.

Eventually the empty tram arrived - nobody was going down this early in the morning - so the girl, the baby and I were the only passengers. I tried a smile but the girl utterly ignored my presence. If you ever needed an example of the 'thousand yard stare,' this girl was just who you needed.

I was admiring the view, but suddenly a loud crash startled me. The girl was standing at the tram window with a hammer and systematically smashing it out. With a strange smile the girl cried 'Now I can fly!' as she crawled through the broken window. I was frozen in shock, but finally I leaped to try and catch the girl but it was too late, she was gone.

Still staring at the shards of glass and the discarded hammer beneath the hole where the window had been, I could only stand frozen and try to process what had just happened. It was unreal, this sort of thing just didn't happen!

My trance was broken by the cry of the baby. No woman, transgendered or otherwise, could ignore that cry. I looked at the infant, maybe a month old, starting to wiggle and fuss in the carrier. I wasn't exactly ignorant of infants, having had occasional visits to my brother's home when his children were small. Of course, a photographer has to develop some expertise in jollying children to take a portrait. Not exactly proper training for caring for a suddenly motherless infant, but there wasn't anyone else, was there?

A glance out the window told me the tram terminus was fast approaching, so I seated herself while still trying to comfort the infant. A certain odor in the air made the problem quite obvious, but it would have to wait until the tram was stationary. Just what was I going to say to whoever was waiting at the station?

The door opened and I began to frantically wave at the kid who was at the controls.

"We've got a problem here!" I shouted.

"What's the problem?" the kid replied.

"Some crazy woman took a hammer to the window and jumped out of the tram!"

"What?"

The kid was having a problem processing something so strange, too.

"Some crazy woman took a hammer to the window and jumped out of the tram! She said something about being able to fly and out she went! You'd better call the cops and the rescue people. I doubt if she's still alive, but somebody needs to check."

"Right," he finally responded.

You'd better hold the car, too. The cops will want to look at it, I suspect I've got to go and change this baby before it wakes the dead."

The infant was getting louder as we spoke. Retrieving the diaper bag and carrier, I adjourned to the ladies room and held my breath while changing the kid. How can milk go in white and sweet and come out brown and disgusting? Another mystery for the universe to unravel.

Fishing around in the diaper bag, I found some formula and water, so I read the directions. Not having any idea how much a baby this size would eat, I filled the bottle with water from the diaper bag and added the powder, then shook it robustly.

I knew from the movies that a mother always dripped some formula on her wrist before feeding the baby, but just what did that do? I'd have to ask my sister-in-law sometime. I must have got it right, because with the little girl - at least I knew that much after changing her - quieted down and suckled happily.

Seated with the child cradled in my arms and watching that beatific face, I had a sudden urge to take the darling home and provide all the love an nurturing her mother would no longer be able to give her. Sure, I had watched my niece and nephew in the throes of a major tantrum, but right now this child could do no wrong.

With the tram out of service, it took quite awhile for anyone to get up to the top on the service road. By the time the authorities arrived, the child had been fed and was once again sleeping in her carrier. The poor thing had no idea just what she was in for. I felt intensely protective of my little charge, no one was going to hurt this child if I had anything to say about it!

I told her story over and over, showing everyone the tram and the girl's purse. The police identified her as Lillian Terrell, seventeen years old. Christ, seventeen years old and she killed herself and left her child behind! I told the cops I had pictures of the girl I had taken before boarding the tram, offering to duplicate the memory card when I got back to my laptop in my car. I also gave them the description of Lillian's vehicle.

Eventually I strapped the baby seat into the back of a 4-wheel drive SUV as best I could and settled in beside her for the trip down the mountain. It was a good thing the little girl (name unknown as of yet) was too young to understand what was outside the SUV windows. I wasn't and kept my eyes closed for much of the journey. This was a lot more hairy than the roads I had traveled in the morning and the 4-wheel drive was certainly necessary!

At least at the bottom of the mountain there was someplace for me and the baby to have some quiet time. Funny how my day of wandering the mountains and maybe a stop for pizza had turned into Hope's Mobile Day Care. Not that I was unhappy with the baby. I suppose every male-to-female transperson had a secret - or not so secret - longing to be a mother.

After a while we could hear the thumpa-thumpa of the helicopter as they searched for the body. I was awkwardly playing a game on my phone one handed to pass the time as I cuddled the baby when a loud and belligerent voice demanded "Where's that goddam junkie daughter of mine. I'm sick and tired of her making me come and bail her out of her own stupidity!"

°°Not a good sign,°° I thought. °°If he thinks I'm going to let him have this sweet little one they're going to need that helicopter to medevac him to the hospital.°°

"Please, Mr Terrell. We need to talk. If you would come with me?" came a stern female voice.

"Who the hell's in charge here? I don't need to talk to some damned flunky!"

°°He may need a hearse and not a helicopter if he keeps that up.°°

"I am Lieutenant Ursula Sanders, and I'm in charge here. If you would control yourself, there is a room where we can talk in private."

"Fuck private. Just tell me where that bitch junkie is so I can get her the hell home!"

"Mr Terrell, your daughter is most likely lying dead on the side of the mountain. You will not be taking her home, I'm afraid."

"Shit! So she finally killed herself with her fucking drugs. When you find her just stuff her in the ground and send me the bill. I'm just fucking glad I don't have to chase her all over hell any more."

The only reason he didn't slam the door was because the electronic sliding doors couldn't be slammed. The silence in the place was profound.

"I just love this job," muttered the Lieutenant. "You never know how someone will react when you tell them their loved ones are dead, but that's the strangest reaction I've ever had."

"I know we're trained to say 'loved one', Lieutenant, but if that bastard loves anyone it should be headline news." her sergeant opined.

"You may be right, Sarge. You may be right."

I came over to the policemen and said "He never even asked about the baby!"

"No, he didn't. so I suppose I have one more thing to do here. Thank you for being so kind and watching her, you've made my life much easier."

"And mine much richer. I don't even know her name."

"Dawn. We found some papers in her mother's purse, so at least we know that much.

"Do you believe in kismet, Lieutenant?"

"Not unless it's admissible in court."

"I suppose with your job you'd have to be that way. Anyway, the only reason I'm here holding little Dawn is because I got up early this morning to photograph the sunrise from the top of the mountain."

"However it happened, I'm damn glad you're here. I suppose I need to get hold of family services to take care of the baby."

"I think I can make your life even easier," I said. "One of my poker buddies is a county social worker. I could call him and see if he could help out."

"Could you?

"I'll enjoy hitting Darryl with something besides a full house."

"You seem to have developed a rapport with little Dawn."

"Professional training. I'm a photographer and making kids happy long enough to get it on film is a major asset in my line of work."

"Thank you, Ms Waldrop. I'll check back with you in a while."

"Hope, please. No need to be formal on my part. I'll stick to Lieutenant so I don't undermine your discipline with your troops."

"Thank you, Hope. I'm glad you understand the need."

"I've learned, Lieutenant. Go do your job and I'll call Daryl.

 

I called Daryl and was maybe half a second from getting that annoying woman's voice saying 'You have reached three eight…" when he picked up.

"Yo John Paul! How they hanging, buddy?"

Obviously he wasn't at work with that greeting.

"It's Hope and they are certainly not hanging anywhere at the moment, you sexist pig. You need to update your contact list."

"Well pardon me all to hell, madam."

"You are pardoned, but don't you have to be convicted before you get pardoned?"

"What? You giving up photography and becoming a lawyer like your mother?

"Nope, I'll keep the photography and become a mother, I think."

"Whatever you're smoking I think I want some too. It has to be some seriously good shit."

"Seriously, it's been a hell of a day and I need your help."

"You say that like it was breaking news or something. I've known you need help for years but have tactfully not pointed it out."

"Your professional help. Daryl, I watched a seventeen your old girl commit suicide this morning and I'm standing here holding her baby right now. I need help and so does the kid."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"As serious as a broken body laying on the side of a mountain with the rescue people trying to recover it."

"Damn!"

"Yeah. I am not letting this adorable little girl be abandoned to the system, not after holding her in my arms all day. Daryl, I'm thinking seriously of adopting her. Her grandfather is a complete asshole and never even asked about her when he came to bitch out everyone about his daughter. He just got even more pissy when they told her she's dead.

"You don't do things by halves, do you?"

"I never admired Solomon for that trick he played on those women. Daryl, little Dawn needs a home and she needs one now. I'm willing, but I know I just can't take her home with me and live happily ever after. That's where you come in, buddy."

"I admire your spirit, Hope, but do you have any idea of the shitstorm you're in for when a tranny asks to adopt a baby?"

"I think I do, but I'm not going to let this little girl be hurt. I watched her mother kill herself, Daryl. You know there were a few times I seriously contemplated killing myself until I got my head straight about being transgendered. I can't do anything less."

"There goes my evening in front of the TV. Where are you, Hope?"

"You know where the cable car is, I'm there. Just look for all the cops and I'll be there somewhere."

"Hang in there. Help is on the way."

 

Shortly before sundown the news came that the helicopter had located the body. The rescue teams would attempt to retrieve it when daylight returned - no sense risking more people in the dark.

The police were packing up and Lieutenant Sanders was starting to get worried about what to do about little Dawn when Daryl arrived. Spotting me in full female mode, sitting on a chair and making silly noises to an infant in my lap, Daryl came to a sudden halt. Yes he knew that John Paul was transitioning, he had even seen Hope a time or two, but this woman with a baby was not something he was prepared for.

"Quite as sight, isn't it?" asked a police Lieutenant.

"It certainly is, ma'am. Daryl Compton, social worker with the county."

"Ursula Sanders. I'm with the police."

"Maybe we should get the county to spring for uniforms for us so people know who we are just by looking."

"I've been on a few calls with social workers. I'm not sure it would be such a good idea to mark yourself as a target."

"I guess you're right. Hard to believe that's the guy I play poker with on Saturday afternoons."

"Wait - guy you play poker with?"

"Oh shit! I'm rattled and I have a big mouth. That's supposed to be confidential."

"As long as it doesn't have any bearing on the situation here, I'll forget you said anything. The human aftermath is your bailiwick, not mine."

"Thanks, Lieutenant. I haven't got a clue what to do in a situation like this and neither has my supervisor. Normally we'd have the child taken to stay with foster parents, but right now we don't have anyone cleared for infant care available. I've known Hope since we were in kindergarten together and I'd trust her with my life, but she's not trained as a foster parent."

"Catch 22?"

"Yeah, except I'm the one going mental."

"If it means anything, I've been watching her with that baby for quite a few hours and there is a clear bond forming. I raised three of them myself and that's a mother and daughter over there if I've ever seen one."

"So it seems. The boss left it up to me and I'm going to make an executive decision. If Hope is willing, she has temporary custody until this whole mess is straightened out."

"Good luck with that! She may be the mother of the bride before the courts get around to acting."

"They aren't that bad. Maybe her first communion…"

"You're an optimist."

 

"You going to introduce me to my goddaughter, Hope?"

"Oh! Hi Daryl, glad to see you. May I present Miss Dawn Terrell."

"Dawn, eh? Now there's an appropriate name. I suspect by the time dawn arrives in the skies you're going to be one sleep-deprived mother figure."

"Really?" Hope's face was beaming. "I can keep her?"

"Overnight, at least. Tomorrow we can petition for custody and talk to the grandparents and my boss and the lawyers and who knows what else. You just shot my week's schedule all to hell."

"Yeah, I know. I have a studio session tomorrow at nine. Ought to be interesting when I show up with a baby in tow."

"You're making the big switch, then?"

"Made it the first time I picked up little Dawn. She doesn't need to get confused about who her new mommy is."

"Amazing! Are you OK for the night with baby things?"

"I'm going to stop and get some essentials. Lieutenant? If I could trouble you to get the baby seat from her mother's car? I wouldn't want anything to happen to Dawn in my care."

"Certainly, Hope. I don't know why you're doing this, but I don't think I've ever met a woman quite like you."

"You don't know the half of it, Lieutenant."

"It's none of my business, but I want to know how it all turns out. I'd appreciate hearing from you, Hope. Not as a cop, but as a mother."

"Mother-to-mother then, Ursula. I just might need some help learning to be an instant mother. You'll hear from me."

 

I knew I was a girl from about the age of four, even if the rest of the world didn't. Unusually for a boy, I did a lot of babysitting as a teen, so taking care of a baby was nothing new. Acquiring clothes and supplies from scratch for an infant - now that was a learning experience.

When I arrived at my friendly, neighborhood Big Box store I began to realize just what I had put myself in for. I could no longer just get out of the car and start shopping. Find a cart, figure out how the baby carrier attaches, load the cart with the diaper bag. Baby starts fussing after the transfer, do the Basic Baby Check - wet diaper, very wet diaper.

Remove carrier from cart, enter ladies room, put baby on baby change thingie on the wall, discover there are no more diapers in the diaper bag. Return baby to carrier, return carrier to cart, find baby department. Puzzle over just what size diaper is needed, put box in cart, pay for box.

Remove carrier from cart, enter ladies room, put baby on baby change thingie on the wall, change baby. Return baby to carrier, return carrier to cart, take diapers to car so some security guard won't think I'm shoplifting. That could be embarrassing. Find baby department once again.

Half an hour and nothing accomplished but a dry baby.

Now I have been shopping for clothes for both sides of my personality for years, but this was my first venture into baby-land. Terra incognita, indeed!

I knew that pacifiers disappear and re-appear with disturbing regularity, so toss a couple in the cart. Baby bottles - check. Another can of formula - they want how much!? The kid could live on caviar cheaper. OK, check the formula.

Baby towels - the kid's gotta puke sometime. What else? Darned if she knew. Only one thing to do, haul out the cell phone.

"Hi Alan, it's your aunt Hope. Can I speak to your mother?"

"HEY MA! AUNT HOPE WANTS YOU ON THE PHONE!"

Oh my aching eardrum. I think the lady two aisles over heard that.

"Oh, Aunt Hope, is it?"

"From this day forward, Judy. The day has come."

"Well hot damn! I thought you were going to wait a while."

"I was, but I became a mother this morning."

"You want to say that again? I couldn't have heard that right."

"You probably did. I became a mother this morning."

"And I thought I had married the crazy one in the family."

"Judy, never underestimate the power of sibling rivalry."

"I hesitate to think of what Ralph will try to top that one. But back to this motherhood business. I didn't know the techniques were so advanced that you could get pregnant nine months before you had the operation."

"Medical science can work many miracles. The trick is to pay for them…"

"And you're going to pay big time if you don't start explaining."

"You been listening to the news today?"

"A little bit. Why? I didn't hear your name."

"Fortunately. Did you hear about the woman who jumped out of the cable car?"

"Yeah. I thought those things had safety locks on their safety locks. How did she manage to do it?"

"With a hammer on the window. Judy, I watched her do it."

"NO!"

"I'm afraid so. She left her month old baby behind."

"Hope, are you all right? I can't imagine…"

"I've been too busy to think much about it. I have a month old foster daughter to take care of now. I couldn't abandon her to the system. No way."

"Hope, when you do something, you don't do it half way."

"You're not the first one to tell me that today."

"So how can I help?"

"I'm in the baby section of the store and I need some help to know just what I need for the next few days. I don't know how long I'll have her, but if there is any way on god's green earth to do it, I think I want to adopt her."

"Hope, not only were you one hell of a good guy, you're one hell of a good woman. Utterly crazy, but that little kid is going to be very lucky to have you as her mother. I mean that, I really do."

"Her name is Dawn, and I need to get the shopping done because I know that face - she's ready to eat again."

"They always are. OK, you'll need something like a porta-crib for her to sleep in, but only get enough stuff for overnight. Lord knows why I kept it, but I have boxes of baby clothes in the attic that Ralph has been bugging me to get rid of. I'm out of the baby business. Permanently."

"You just made me a very happy woman. The county will eventually give me some money to help, but my charge card is going to get a workout."

"A bit different than shopping for your feminine side, isn't it?"

"Terra incognita. So what should I get?"

"A couple of blankets, onesies, washcloths…"

If I thought the cart was full coming into the store with one small infant girl, the cart was overflowing when I left.