Vanilla Sky…Part two.

I’m breathing a bit rapidly and shallowly as I’m looking at the store. I’m almost frozen in I don’t know fear… from going inside.

“Kitten?”

“Dad…? What do I do dad?”

“Just calm down and breathe it’s okay.”

I’m sort of whining. “Okay…look at me I can’t go in there…”

He turns me to look at him and stares in my eyes and then all over. “You’re right. Come on.”

“Where?”

“The salon.”

“What?”

“Samantha, you’re right kitten but it’ll be a lot easier on you and the store girls if they get that you’re in transition.”

“But…just…just telling people…letting them know?”

Oh god I’m not just scared but I feel sorta sick too. He kisses my forehead and we’re getting looks then he goes inside. I know I’m getting more looks as I’m sort of pacing and fidgeting.

I can hear him.

“Hi.”

“Hello can we help you today sir?”

“Well that all depends, what’s the policy here with LGBT customers?”

“It doesn’t matter here, we try and treat everyone the same.”

“I’ve a teen daughter that’s just starting to transition and she’s really nervous and scared.”

“It’s not easy coming out, I can tell you that much from personal experience.”

“Oh?”

“Tell her it’s fine, we’ll be gentle.”

I’m sort of pacing and sort of watching and I see her waving at me and smiling…I can’t help it I’m hugging myself a little and I’m scared because this is getting very, very real. Dad comes out and looks at me.

“She said she’d be gentle Sam.”

“I know…I heard you guys….You outed me…sorta…”

“No…I was asking as your dad if they’d be cool with you before you set foot one into a place that isn’t as cool as thee people are…And now I’m walking you inside and paying for your first make over.”

“I’m scared…I don’t want to look stupid or like some gay boy.”

“Well kitten we’ll tell her that and see what you want and what the can do okay?”

(|Sniffle.) “’Kay”

Dad…

Most dad’s wouldn’t walk into a place like a salon and they’d never have done stuff like what he’s done. Heck my Step-father wouldn’t even go in where mom goes to wait. He’d look at me like I did something wrong when I would.

Big Failure of the whole male-tests he’d put me through.

Oh course I failed them, I’m a girl.

I’m a girl…I’m a girl…I’m a girl…I’m almost mentally chanting it in my head like a strength mantra.

“Samantha? Hi I’m Lori, I’m going to take really good care of you okay sweetie?”

There’s times I get sick of getting treated with kid gloves, they did that a lot after my suicide attempt but I’m kind of glad she’s doing what she’s doing…taking off my jacket and then taking me out back behind the partition where they have he tanning stuff and waxing and stuff.

“First things first honey you’ll style a lot better once we get you feeling better, no more hiding as a boy with some of the fun stuff.”

“Fun stuff?”

“Lets get you waxed and smoothed and do the stuff that you’ve been missing.”

“My Step-dad in the states would have flipped out if he knew I’d tweezed or shave my armpits even.”

“Uh-uh, it’s here too some honey. My dad’s pretty cool too like yours but still uneasy with how to be around me. My mother…she just can’t wrap her head around how I can like girls.”

“I was born up here but I grew up mostly in Atlanta…you have to really be in the LGBT community there to be safe…the stereotypes are really justified down there especially with my school and my family.”

“Your mom wasn’t cool about it?” She’s measuring me as we’re talking and writing stuff down on a notepad.

“No, I’m not sure if it’s me being like this is making her look bad with her friends and stuff or that she’s all sort of one of those born again Christians since marrying my stepfather.”

“I take it he wasn’t cool with it?”

“No…not at all…my unmanliness I think was an insult to his presence or something.”

“Oh…, Yeah no shortage of assholes honey you just have to hang on…people are getting better…they’re caring a lot less about this stuff. Okay hon I’ll be right back…hey Lisa make Samantha a tea!”

This black girl with really long hair makes me a tea and I’ve never had chamomile tea before and I’m so not used to being in a place where I sound normal. Well not normal it’s just they don’t really have an accent here.

They don’t say eh all the time or hoser or aboot either. Gawd the used to tease me home about being half Canadian.

And in school it even got mixed up with me being outed. Socialist? Queernadian, Go back to Canuckistan, Get back to Canada where you queers belong…

We actually had a Youth of America Tea Party at my school. Oh no LGBT there not really but we had them.

I gotta admit though someone called me an Eski-Spic once that was inventive.

There’s nothing like that going on here. No one’s looking at me funny…no one’s being an asshole to me or to Lisa.

And the tea is really helping.

Lori give her paper off the notepad to dad and they talk a minute and then she’s back.

“Okay first thing’s first we get you out of those clothes and get started. Here’s a robe.”

Thank god I’m not getting like totally naked she even has a changing area. Yes I’m wearing panties…plain white cotton ones utility panties that I bought at my layover in New York.

As scared as I am being naked with it flopping out would be horrible and wearing boy shorts would have just felt so wrong.

I step out. “Ready…?”

“Okay the first step to is getting some of that boy you’re wearing off.”

“Okay like…”

“Body hair.”

“Oh…”

God my heart feels like a hummingbird…getting smooth…

Lori takes her time and she’s good. Well I think she’s good and she uses wax and some creams and stuff and we even shave my armpits and she does my eyebrows.

The feelings, the smoothness the smells just sort of balm my heart…I feel so much better like this…so much more me than that and it just gets getter.

Dad came back with some bags.

“Here you go girls, I’ll be out in the waiting area.”

Huh?

“Uhm okay Dad…”

Lori takes out clothes from the bags and underwear, a bra and gel inserts….

“I…oh…”

“Good man your dad, there’s no point getting me to try and do your hair without you looking the way you really should honey. And he said you were scared o go into the stores right?”

“Yeah…I…It just felt like I wasn’t allowed to go in there because of…” I just gesture at myself…”

“Hey, being a girl’s in you’re head…it’s in your soul not part of your biology Sam.”

“But…”

“Oh but nothing honey, I have genetic women in here that are broad in the shoulders or hairy as a gorilla they’re still women.”

“Yeah born women.”

“So were you Samantha.”

“Lori?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you so good with this? I though Lesbians had problems with t-girls?”

“Not me, there’s eve a couple of decent drag-clubs here in Halifax, the LGBT scene here isn’t huge and why there are some militant types that are so pissed they have a period they hate everything male they’re not the majority. We all hang out together and we all try to get along.”

“Oh…”

She doesn’t get me dressed right away instead we get my nails done just a mani-pedi which was over the moon good and she shampoos and conditions my hair while their drying.

Oh…a real shampoo job, with the hands running through my hair, doing stuff to my scalp…the rinse, the conditioning…I swear I can feel these soul toxins washing away…I had to battle had home to keep my hair long…

They had threatened to chop it off several times. If they did…I honestly think I would’ve walked into traffic or something.

She even shows me how to wrap it in the girl towel turban.

It means so much really. Even that.

It’s like I’ve gone from being me and locked out of a world I was supposed to belong to into this whole other world where they’re holding the door open for me and saying come on in little sister.

I’m wiping tears away.

Happy tears.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had happy tears since…well since I knew the difference between boys and girls and was so sure something was wrong…

The clothes are next and there’s a expensive pair of panties and bra. They’re really nice but tight too in this kind of stretchy fabric way. I tuck and they hold me in really well! There’s that just so kind of little bulge that a lot of girls have naturally anyway.

Gosh…looking in the mirror I see…I see me and I’m so glad I’m not wearing make up because it’d be wrecked.

The gel inserts are next and okay it sort of sounds ick but Lori actually uses a bit of denture adhesive gel in the center and apparently once in the bra up against me for awhile they’ll hold okay. If the bra is off they won’t stay in place but she says some of the drag queens use it too because tape and real glue’s hard on the skin.

I never heard of it and we get them in and settled after I slip the bra on. I actually don’t have a hard time with that. I’ve worn enough of mom’s that its easy. I’m wearing a 26B cup and they’re flesh toned and by the time I’m all in.

“Oh…oh Lori…”

“Hey Samantha, great to see you.”

“It…It…it’s good to be seen…?”

I stare in the mirror sort of shaking from all of this and it takes actually some effort to tear myself away from the mirror.

The clothes are next…just jeans flared ones and they have some pretty wildflowers embroidered on them here and there. They’re really pretty and I slip them on and they’re a bit off but not badly off…tight on my waist, a bit loose in the back and on my hips but they fit…not typical teen girl skin hugging but they fit.

And the right style of crotch resting against me in my panties just pushes home the right shape and the feeling of the right shape. Snug…and nothing just gross and …..gross…you ever have one of those skin tag things that sort of just hang off you like a freaky ugly wart thing…that’s what I’ve had all my life growing like this…this thing…and like cancer it’s stolen away my life…Dammit I never wanted this, never wanted to be a boy…I don’t hate them…I’m not like that but just…It’s not me…It’s never been me.

I’m shaking and crying and I must’ve looked like an idiot there in my bra and hugging myself with a hand over my flatness.

Lori walks me over to a seat and sits beside me. “I don’t get it, I can see the way this means to you but…I’ve always been good with being a girl…I can’t imagine what it’s like…”

(Sniffle.) “Sorry…I’m okay it’s just this was not something I…something I thought that I’d ever have…”

“You’re going to go all the way with this huh?”

“If I can…as soon as I can…”

“You’re Dad will get you there I haven’t seen many guys like him.”

“I barely know him mom got custody.”

“But he’s here and he’s trying.”

(Sniffle) “Yeah…”

“C’mon let’s get that top on and we can get you into a chair finally.”

“Okay…”

The top’s nothing really special either but it is too I mean it’s mine like the jeans. It’s a grey long-sleeved tee with a rose decal down the left side and it has girlish ruffle cut cuffs.

It is scoop necked a little and it sort of shows off my bra a bit…the long sleeves make my too big shoulders seem not so bad and even the nail polish helps.

I can see all these things I hate but they’re all being overshadowed by well by me…

Lori takes me out to her chair and she gives me a haircut…just an inch here and there but a really easy to manage girl style that fits me…bangs and just a little wavy in here and there.

I’m hugging them all and Dad pays with his credit card and gives me another bag with these velcro and nylon sandals that match my nails. I hug him hard and hang on to him for awhile.

“Thanks Daddy…”

“No problem Kitten.”

He holds me awhile longer and he looks at me. “So are you done in for the day, or can we go shopping.”

“I…we…we can go shopping I guess.”

He takes my arm and we head off into the mall to go look at least at stuff in the stores. I have…I’ve never felt this happy or this scared. Even after all the stuff this morning…I’m scared it’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me but there’s a huge part of me afraid to go into some of these stores where everything’s so pretty including the sales staff.

I’m afraid to even touch these things…it’s so scary in the higher end places because it’s like that or even the stores set up for my generation. I buy a few things looking at dad each time if it’s okay he nods.

“Sam, don’t worry about how much it costs.”

“But it’s, this is a lot of money.”

“It’s stuff you need honey, it’s just stuff yeah but it’s stuff you never got to have.”

“You…don’t have to make up for stuff dad…it’s…it’s okay.”

“Well…how about if you’d be making me happy?”

“Dad…” I cross my arms at him. He gestures at me smiling.

“That’s my girl.”

I’d just slipped right into it…oh…

I’m blushing both and smiling a bit at that. But I keep getting things…dad get’s me things too…cheap but fun costume jewelry stuff…the stuff we all sort of get or have wanted to at those mall kiosks.

He bought me an I-pod and an I-pad and my own laptop and a smartphone while he was at it…

“Dad! No, that’s…”

“Claimable both for your education honey and for the farm…he holds up a different credit card.”

“Oh…”

“Yep and I get a deal on the phones since we use there for the farm anyway.”

“Oh…cool…Frank never told me about his contracting business.”

“Well you’ll need to learn to help out, the farms a family business.”

“I will…”

“What is it Kitten?”

“I’m scared of getting bigger…like with all the farm work and everything.”

“Well I’m sure I can use you in the office and a half dozen other places.”

“Office?”

“You’ll see.”

We shop for a few more hours actually and the bigger department stores are easier for me in a way. Wow women’s clothes at The Bay are pretty expensive but it was more looking and me getting modest clothes that fit me…The changing rooms are scary…I…the though of cameras maybe makes me almost sick but I got through it. We even went to Toys ’R Us…I’m a little too old for toys and stuffies and Barbies but he gets me stuff anyways. It just makes me smile.

But I did notice dad buying school supplies for an army, and clothes for kids when we were at Zeller? Zellers…yeah that’s it and even some toy and sports stuff.

It took nearly an hour to pack and repack the truck.

“You hungry Kitten or can you wait until we get home. There’s going to be a big feed on and everything.”

“A Party?”

“Yes, no…you’re coming home so it’s a big deal but we try to do this not just for our immediate family but for other things.”

“Like?”

“We’ve staff that live on the farm, there’s birthdays and getting into the next grade and all those things.”

“Oh…no…I can wait…might be better with my nerves and everything today.”

“Okay.”

We leave Halifax/Dartmouth I guess that’s what they call it actually and head out on the highway. Instead of the interstate it’s called the Trans-Canada highway and I’m watching stuff as we go it’s a nice drive and there’s no where near the kind of traffic that I’m used to.

Dad’s got the radio on and he listens to this rock and roll station with some new stuff but mostly sort of semi older stuff. I don’t really know all the bands and stuff but I like the music. Home there’s a lot of country…not my choice but rap and hip hop is popular too…I’m not crazy about those either.

I guess I like pop, and some rock, a little grunge and some metal…some. The metal heads and rappers and the twangers all kind of are an intolerant bunch when it comes to people like me. I guess we offend their machoness.

I like Dido and Adele, Amy Winehouse and Katie Perry a bit. Red hot chili peppers, Greenday…stuff like that.

It doesn’t take long at all really to get to Wolfville…it’s just about sixty or seventy miles away and it’s really sort of déjá  vu. I lived around here when I was little so I kind of recognize things.

It…it might be okay to live here…it’s a university town home to Acadia University there’s enough here that you get a lot more going on than in a lot of towns this size and that might be good right?

We come in and go through town slowly then actually leave heading down main street until we leave town and it becomes the Evangeline tail heading out towards Grand Pre. We actually head out on something named the Old Post Road and five minutes later we’re pulling in.

There’s white painted fencing along the front of the property and we drive down a long dirt driveway. There’s goats in the fenced off areas and some small but long barns back along the edge of the pastures.

The main house is really big with three floors and a wrap around porch and a nice flower garden around it and then there’s the yard like a great big dirt parking lot set behind the house and there’s two huge but really nice looking wooden barns all stained and looking really classy? There’s another building with a more sort of modern barn look and an old sign with a this simple dusty yellow sign with white letters saying Vanilla Sky dairy? Then there’s a smaller building like a pre-fab home with a sign saying “office.” and several mini-homes or like trailers along one side of the parking area opposite the dairy place actually…I see also a really nice little playground jungle gym set up and picnic tables and people.

Indians (Native Americans.) and Mexicans and Asians?

“Dad? Who are they?” I’m not racist not really, I try not to act like that but the Natives well I can see there’s reservations I think near her but the others?

“Oh, like I said we’ve got people that live here. We get really busy around harvest and need the help and afterwards too so we helped get them work visas then their citizenships.”

“Not being…but why not locals?”

“Not enough interest, a lot of the kids won’t do it now and some just won’t bother so they’ve been bringing in migrants for awhile now in peak seasons here. I’ve got enough work that they can stay and give them a better shot at things. The Latinos came first in over from the states and the Phillpino‘s just in the last two years.”

“Oh…I’m sorry about not wanting to do farm work dad…I guess I’m kinda selfish that way.”

“No kiddo, the fact is a lot of it’s a generation thing, I didn’t want to work here either when I was your age or even come back here when I was younger. When your grandfather got sick and I had to come home I was kind of getting really sick of things down in Atlanta.”

“Mom said, she hated it up here.”

“I thought she’d come around but she never wanted to come back here.”

“How’d she end up here anyway?”

“She came up with me. She was in New Jersey visiting relatives one summer getting out of Atlanta and away with her family and I was down with a crew from Bragg’s.”

“Bragg’s?”

“Blueberries and other stuff they’re the biggest producer and handler of blueberries in Canada but we’d get a lot of our berries from the U.S.”

“Oh…so you two met over then?”

“Yeah and we did the long distance thing for two years and when I graduated college I went down and got a job and helped put her through school and she ended up getting hired up in Truro hospital through one of your grandmothers friends.”

“But she really never liked it up here.”

“Yeah…I think I missed it though…some stuff’s sort of familiar.”

We get out and I’m hit with smells that are just…good but odd and there’s a huge spread and close to thirty people.

Then there’s this woman coming over tall for a woman with long brown hair tied back out of the way and mixed skin, she looks Native American but half? Light skinned…but just stunning…jeans, t-shirt from what looks like a local beer company something called Alpine? Sneakers and these huge amazing chocolate or coffee brown eyes. And she’s not some waif Pocahontas wanna-be either…big full breasts, a little extra weight not much and pretty wide hips but they all fit her tall frame.”

“Hi you must be Samantha right?”

“Uhm…yes…yes Ma’am.”

“I’m Liz.”

“Hi….”

She looks at me and she just walks over like I’ve only been gone a short while instead of like forever.

Her smile goes right into her eyes.

Then she hugs me. “Welcome home Sam.”

There’s just so much mom coming off of her that I can’t help it…I’m shaking because it feels like forever since I’ve felt this. I start tearing up and she does too and then like just…I don’t know…we’re wiping tears and smiling and sniffling.

“Thank you…it feels good to have a home…”