Solitude

It’s something that you live with when you’re trans.

People don’t get it.

People don’t want to get it usually either.

And unless it’s rare it’s that just sort of knowing us around our edges.

Not knowing us deeply.

And that sort of doubles up our problems too as we can only be this person in our heads and they don’t get to have all the exposures everyone else does.

Everything is filtered.

And sometimes that’s filtered through things like dysphoria.

And I could go on a long time about the isolation and the hurt and the pain and how some of us just pull back and away.

Apartments or houses, moving to the back beyond...we pull back, we all just tend to pull back.

But I have to say despite all of the bullshit the solitude can be good.

Centering.

Cleansing, all those other people, they don’t live my life, they don’t live with me. So I let it drop away there.

A shower or a long bath with something scented that I like.

Shaving because I want to, because I like the simple sensation.

Wearing things I want to because I want to.

Lovely coffee, or a nice tea, good books that I want to read with no busy body looking at me because of the cover not matching who holds it.

Listening to my music, mine.

Passing, not passing sometimes it just doesn’t matter as much when you can just breathe, just have that place to breathe in.

That’s my strength in my solitude.

And I’m showing a peek because sometimes we just get too lost in the bad stuff.