Images 20

Chapter 20

The party is great, Taylor and I dance for a couple of hours sometimes fast and sometimes slow and we do a lot of kissing. A lot of kissing. I was not expecting to have a good a time as I had. When I wasn’t dancing with Tay I was dancing with my Net girls and even some of the other club goers. I’ve never really got to do this before, I love it the feeling of freedom, of getting to be sensual with out being sexual and I’m not without a few moves despite not getting to do this as a girl all my life.

Ingrid taught me a lot back when we were friends. I mean we’d dance like two best girlfriends at her place or at mine when I knew it was safe…thought it was safe. I loved those days…I’ll never understand why…I ask the DJ for some harder beats and for awhile I’m really into it, dancing out my pain…

Marley ends up dancing with me. “You’re getting a bit intense out here you okay?”
“Ingrid…”
“Oh, So…”
“So?”
“Are you going to let it out like you did at the store or just let her ruin your night?”
“I…”
Marley leads me over to the bar and get’s us two vodka tonics. “Alright tell me.”
I take a drink, a big one. “It’s kind of just a memory, a good thing that…It was something that she ruined.”
“What did she ruin?”
“This, dancing with friends. She was my best friend…she was my fucking sister! I let her in and told her things that I never told anyone…we used to do this all the time…Ingrid used to say the best way to learn how to move as a girl is to dance like one.”
“Makes sense actually. You move as well as any other girl I know, better even.”
“Yeah well…”
“Well?”
“I wanna know why dammit? We were so close so why did she betray me? We were best friends! I want to know why? What did I ever do to her?”
“I don’t know, but can I ask you something?”
“Okay?”
“What if it was just nothing, nothing you did but her?”
“What?”
“Well why’d you go to Ingrid in the first place, she wasn’t part of your usual crowd was she?”
“No, she was one of those freaky drama kids.”
“Hmm…”
“What?”
“You just kind of snubbed her just now.”
“I did?”
“Yes, you talked like Ingrid being one of those freaky drama kids was a bad thing.”
“When I was still in school it was, they were all the gays and lez and the Emo kids.”
“Yes and if you’re talking like them like this now, after all you’ve been through just how much of an asshole was Jaime.”
“You…You’re supposed to be my friend?”
“No, not all the time you’re my patient.”
“But...But…”
“Jenna, you want to know why, then this might be why. If you treated her this way that you’ve been coming acrossed. Then you might have crossed a line.”
“So this is my fault?”

I’m bawling now, I’m hurt and angry and pissed at her. What if this is all true? What if I’m…What if I’m not the person I thought I was….or am? Or I guess I thought I was.
Marley gives me this sympathetic look, she rubs my arm as I cry and shake and kill my drink, she passes me hers and I down that too.
“God, was I a horrible person Mar? Did I ask for this?”
“No, I’m not saying that or anything close to it. What happened to you was wrong, really fucking wrong. Jenna nobody asks for what they did, or what you’ve been through but face it. Jaimes was a bit of an asshole.”
“An asshole?”
“You used people, you used them for sex and just were onto the next one after that. It’s not your fault entirely, Jaimes was searching for something he could never find but in doing so you…he walked over a lot of people. Jaimes was on this golden boy fast track and I’m sure a lot of girls you were with though she might be the one to be with you, to hook you or change you. Picture if Taylor did that to you.”

I do and the vodka is suddenly not agreeing with me. I run to the bathroom and I’m throwing up and she’s holding my hair and Holly and Nin are there and so are a lot of the others.
“God I am a horrible person.”
“Hardly Jen, Jaimes was messed up, he was a spoiled golden boy, but he was really messed up.”
“But why?”
“Do you want my honest opinion?”
“Yes…”
“She did it on purpose, I’m honestly feeling if she was really your friend there was a lot of things she would have done and she wouldn’t have taken all those pictures.”
“But…but why?”
“Honestly, Jenna revenge, or to hurt Jaimes and to make herself feel better than you. I think she really just wanted to wreck you by outing you though.”
“So…so...I can’t, I can’t put all of this at her feet can I.”
“No, I don’t think so. Ingrid didn’t make your step-father do the things he did or what Natalie did either. I don’t think she was behind the website either.”
“So?”
“So, what she did was really petty but considering Jaimes and her and everything…Jenna, it was bullshit. It was cruel and nasty and a bad fucking thing to do but it was teenaged bullshit and you were both all caught up in it.”
“I was caught up in it?”
“Freaky drama kids?”
“Oh…”

It makes a sort of sense, I’m sitting on the tile floor and in a hot dress my knees together, but legs apart and I must look like hell. Holly and Nin are there with Marley in the stall and the other girls, are in here too.

I keep thinking and reviewing things and Holly, Holly rolls a joint. I’m not a druggie but I’ve had the odd puff or too over my years since becoming Jenna. I had my first taste in the group home. I smoked a few at the club, but I’m still too much of a jock really to get into it too much. I’m sorry if it disappoints people but when I’m offered it I take a few tokes. Then pass it on. It’s kinda amusing and not surprising when I see my doctors take a few well practiced hints too.

I can see it, the calmer I get, I can see it.
Back when I was Jaimes, I did go through girls…like changing underwear.
I was a bit of a shit then, I was James “Iron-man Morgan” football star and I didn’t think I was the shit but I knew it.
I can’t remember, treating Ingrid like shit but…I never really though about her or her crowd at all until I needed her.
We were just kids….I know, I know I’m not even eighteen so yeah I’m still a kid but. You know what I mean. High-school bullshit, mine and hers and…I’ve seen her twice since, and she wasn’t screaming hate at me or foaming at the mouth so…she wasn’t even all coyly bitchy either. She was just there, guarded actually. She’s…hah…both times she seen me she was waiting for me to strike back some how.

I take another toke and get up. “I’m okay…Thanks Marley…I…It’s been a.”
She smiles at me. “It’s been a long night.”
“Yeah, can I have a second? I gotta pee.”
“Yeah sure.”
“Holly?”
“Yeah Jen?”
“You got a cigarette?”
“Yeah.” She passes me one and her lighter.

I know, I know smoking can kill you. And I don’t smoke often, I don’t really like to but drinking, and tonight, and everything else. Once in a very blue moon I’ll want one. It’s more of a once or twice a year thing at most. Don’t worry; I’m not going to turn into a drinking, smoking drug abuser. I’m just normal…barely ever but at the same time, I’m human….

I sit on the toilet and sort of smoke the cigarette and I do have a pee. It’s almost funny that it’s like two or three in the morning at a LGBT friendly nightclub and having just gone through this spur of the moment second burst of intense therapy in one night. I’m smoking a cigarette and quietly praying to god.

Does it matter? I feel it doesn’t. Jesus taught from hillsides and mountains and I imagine the odd campfire or two. I don’t think that the church or any of the stuff that goes with a lot of that really has much to do with god as much as it does the religion. Honestly, God to me doesn’t care who you are, what, you are, or what you wear, or where you live.

It does help.

I feel a feeling of what I should do.

I mean in my head I know it’s what I should be doing anything if only to not let it have so much power over me but…I just couldn’t forgive her, not really, not with the stuff that happened because of what Ingrid did. But, she didn’t do those things or even make these things happen.

With this sigh, I feel something drain away from me…It’s like this weight leaves me as I forgive her and let it go. I smile and drop the half a smoke between my legs into the toilet and pull off some TP and pat myself dry before flushing and getting out of the stall. I’m hug mobbed by the girls and my Net-girls as I come out.

There’s a lot of us in the bathroom, as I’m getting help, getting cleaned up and my teeth brushed and my make up fixed. My story comes out; I can’t help it because they know most of it already from online. But it all get’s rehashed and even as we leave the bathroom and…well we’re pretty much done here at the club and it’s like 4AM in the morning. If anything they’ve been really good at letting us get our/my shit together.

We pile into the bus and Dad actually has a great idea and gets us over to Denny’s for pancakes and waffles and stuff…Like all big things in the lives of women we’re talking about what happened in the club and what it means, how it feels and talking out our war stories some more and getting out some of the hurts that we’ve been carrying.

Again I’m double blessed with getting off kind of middle of the pack as things go when bad stuff happens to us T-people for one, and two is Taylor. He holds me on his lap as we sit sideways and kisses my neck occasionally and is just there as I vent and express and talk out my stuff….does he even know how much I love him for that. How much of a huge thing that is for me? That, that’s one of those things that you can actually feel yourself falling deeper in love when your soul mate, husband, wife is there for you like that.

The fact that he wiped a few of his own tears away at some of the things I’ve said and others here have said means a lot to me. I know that empathy from him and the regulars in our mostly T-girls means an awful lot to all of us.
It’s nice but kind of weird to be eating at someplace other than home. I just love the thought of that. Home, I have a home…and it’s going to be mine a Taylor’s and…I can’t help but smile just at the thought of it.

I order the regular waffles, I’m not a fan of the Belgian style waffles and the fancy stuff but I order bacon separately and cottage cheese. I used to eat this…I need to let go of so much and just because I’m a whole different person doesn’t mean I’m a whole different person.

I smoosh the cottage cheese into the waffles and put the bacon onto of that and more cottage cheese and then just a little syrup. Taylor watches me eat it and it’s still good as ever. I’m only eating two waffles instead of Jaimes’s six or eight. It’s such a strange combination that he’s making faces as I eat it.

Taylor’s having some of my bacon and he’s having French toast. He’s got nothing on his. Taylor’s more of a savory guy, well that’s not true he likes my cinnamon rolls.

It’s ten in the morning by the time that we all get home, or to the hotel or home wherever the case might be. I’m too tired to me freaked by the thought it’s Saturday and that I’m getting married…Tomorrow.

We crash for a quite a few hours and I cuddle up to Taylor and spoon into him. I need this, I need him and it’s been such a long day and night. It’s been such an emotional one. I wake about four in the afternoon, shower, take my meds and just slip into Taylor’s shirt from last night and a pair of track pants. I can’t help but to inhale the scent of him off the shirt. Tay’s sweat and hint’s of the soap he used in the shower, and some of his cologne it hardens my nipples, it get’s my brain going in a good way. I head downstairs and the place is full again and Taylor’s cooking things up and prepping stuff for our reception. I smile and kiss him with a long slow sweet kiss and I can’t help but feel…kind of floaty, happy. I hug a whole bunch of people and get a coffee. I kiss Daddy and the Taylor again. “I’m going to go up on the roof honey. I’m going to go talk to god for awhile and maybe write for awhile.”
“Mmmn, you go ahead…I’ll see you when you get back.”
Taylor and God don’t see eye to eye on things. Taylor…he’s angry. I don’t blame him either. I can’t really be one of those people who’d preach at anyone. I practically have my own version of faith between me and him.

I do take the laundry from the washer up with me and hang it up to dry. When I’m done I sit down and read for awhile from Psalms, I like a lot of the wisdom there. No I don’t like or even believe in all parts of the bible. I read until I’m ready to talk to him. It’s a lot of what I went through last night…and that I’ve done and been living with all this time. I pray, I cry and I think get the last of it out of my system.

I read a bit more and sit a scribble away at my wedding vows as I drink my now cold coffee.
It’s after supper really by the time I went downstairs and Grams kisses me on the cheek.
“Evening honey how’d all of it go?”
“Good Grams I feel a lot better now.”
“Why don’t you get a bite then head upstairs to be with Taylor. The charter bus is going to be here at nine to take us all up to the lodge.”
“Oh, wow…”
“Are you okay? Is it all moving to fast?”
“No Grams, I’m fine I had my freak outs I’m good with everything just I’m nervous you know?”
“Oh yes honey I know.” She hugs me and there’s this bond between us getting stronger all the time now. Like now, going through the wedding stuff the nervous jitters. It’s all stuff that I never thought would be possible. I love that I’m feeling this messed up over getting married and it being normal sharing it with my Grams just like any other girl.

When you transition or even come out as T you very, very often get hurt, ostracized and at the least really, really misunderstood. There is so much of you screaming inside that you’re not right that you don’t get the chance to even dream of the not so nice stuff. You focus so much so often on not being right, and nor being real and that ache…I gotta stop over thinking things so much.

Over analyzing your shit is a major TG thing. I mean everyone one does it but we got self doubt, recrimination, fear and guilt down. Like professionally down, Us T girls are experts of tearing down our hearts and lives.

And with a kiss I go to the kitchen and get some leftovers and take two sandwiches a bowl of chips and couple of pickles upstairs. I see him and go over and kiss him. “Sandwich?”
“Mmmn, okay?”
I smile as we settle in on our couch. I know we’d might make love or do all kinds of stuff and actually all we do is sit on the couch. With me leaning all over him and we watch Iron Man 2 It was all right but I was actually more identifying with Pepper Pots at this point in my life. Gwyneth Paltro plays her and yeah I can’t help it but yeah…I’m comparing myself to her. Sigh, I really miss my hair. But it was still just really nice. Sometimes it’s good to turn your brain off for a few hours.

When it’s done we pack up all of the things I’m going to need and with time to spare we go downstairs and spend the rest of the time making out and straddling him and kissing and feeling each other up unabashedly in front of everyone even with the teasing we’re getting.

Taylor kiss walks me to the bus. Of course I’m the last one to get on and even as we start to slowly leave Taylor and I are kissing in the bottom of the stairwell of the bus all the way to the point where we’re turning off to head to the main streets. “Unless your coming up to the resort with us Hon you’d better get off here.”
“I could take a cab from there back to here.”
“No…It’ll take to long and we’ve got things to do…no matter how tempting this is.”
“Yeah, I love you Jenna Powers.”
I grin and kiss him again. “This time tomorrow I’ll be Mrs. Jenna Winters.”
“Say that again.”
I kiss him and push him out the doors as we stop in front of the stop sign.
“Tomorrow Taylor.”
The bus driver closes the door on him and I wave and the girls all break out into yells and squeals and even a few cat calls out the windows. Someone hit him in the face with a pair of panties yelling. “There’s your bachelor party!”
I couldn’t help it but we burst into giggles for about two blocks.

We chat and talk about what the resort might be like and how it was going to look and stuff about the wedding but we kind of wind down into thinking and traveling mode. I can see nerves building up because there will be people there that aren’t part of our little group and some, not all but some of the girls are scared.

I want everyone to have a good time. I’ve been on a heck of a lot of bus trips as Jaimes and know a few good tricks. I sit on the edge of my seat near Holly and Nin and her mom. I close my eyes and channel my inner cheerleader and sing.

“Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain.”
“We all have sorrow.”
“But if we are wise…”
“We’ll know that there’s always tomorrow.”

“Lean on me!” Everyone sang shouted.

And that’s about all the solo I got in as we break into a very loud, very girly group as we belt out this timeless classic that every bus of cheerleaders has sung that I’ve ever been on. We smile and sway and laugh and I start throwing in the claps that the cheerleaders I knew threw into the song and stuff. This is a kind of girl bonding thing we all have missed to a degree really.

We just got done that song and started to turn off the highway and in through a small town called Winston Creek and then through there and a few other close together places until we pull into this gated road with a sign saying Willow Lake Lodge. We finally arrive at about 11:15PM.

I can’t see the entire place but the things I do see are lovely. The grounds have lots of willow trees and poplars and the grounds look well tended and groomed. The lodge itself is like if you crossed a big three story motel or hotel with a log cabin each floor is fitted with small decks/balconies for each room and there’s a larger main building built at the far end of it that looks like a log cabin built convention center. The place has these lovely windows everywhere and has this almost maybe German lodge like design like you’d see somewhere like in the Black forest or something like that. Don’t quote me on it because really I’m only guessing.

The lake is absolutely breathtaking because even here at night you can see out over it and this scenic romantic view of it and we’re up in a valley so the whole place is sort of flanked by these breathtaking mountains. I really can’t wait to see this all in the morning, in the daylight.

Inside the lodge is breathtaking, it’s all wood work and stonework and just lovely. I feel like I’ve stepped into some grand chateau somewhere in the Alps. Lovely carpets are all over the place and this honey colored wood and the staff is very present and helpful and even nice to all of us. They’re very mannerly to all of us and even the girls that pass are being treated like ladies. There’s even a few of the porters that are French speaking and call us Mamoiselle or Demoiselle in their cute and sexy fun accents.

It’s a heck of a lot of fun and Grams and the concierge are handing us all these itineraries of the stuff that we’re going to have to do tomorrow. There’s a lot of stuff on here and I’m going to be made up and primped and powdered all morning and then fitted and then everything else.

You think I got any sleep?

Yeah not much. I was in my room by 12:45 and putting things away and it was 1:22AM by the time I settled into the whirlpool bath and soaked or tried to soak the stress and the nerves out of my system. Honestly apart from my coma, I haven’t slept alone without Taylor since we’ve gotten together. I mean it shouldn’t bother me; we haven’t been together that long but it does. It really, really does. I can’t sleep because of my nerves and being here alone without Taylor’s throwing me into that funk of what if he doesn’t make it? It’ll be like this…the rest of my life.

About 3:12AM Grams comes and rescues me and moves her stuff in to cuddle with me and soothe me to sleep. She’s also there to wake me up all bright and early at 7:40 in the morning.

I’m bustled off to the shower and then we’re downstairs in a hurry to eat this whole group breakfast thing as we take over one of the event rooms as there’s a whole bunch of us and a massive team of stylists and make up people and that entire place is turned into this massive pampering spa. I know, we just kind of did this but these are real professional people and the stuff they are able to do is just amazing even the girls who are never going to pass get really, really close. There’s even a professional photographer there and she plus her staff are doing these amazing pics of the girls and even using photo-shop to have these brilliant pictures of them done up like some of them could only dream.

There are a lot of tears and some of them are upset because they can’t take these with them because of how their lives are. I have an excellent idea and talk to some of the more tech-savvy net girls and ask if they could build a web page for the wedding and we can give each one of the girls a place to put up all of their pictures and we can put up videos and keep in touch and together about the whole experience here.

It goes over really well now that they’ll just be able to log onto the site or whatever and they can see it all again and watch it all and we can all keep in touch. Then there are a lot of happy tears and a lot of make up repairs being done.

I’m really happy because one I can share this with these girls; they saved my life on more than one occasion before I met Taylor. That and I’m getting hair extensions! Squee! I’m going to have long hair for my wedding! And you know? I’m all jumping and giggly and excited! Yeah, right up to about the first hour in the chair and with my butt falling asleep. See I knew next to nothing about getting a weave done and then getting it styled. There’s a lot and I mean a lot to getting this done.

But it also just flies by, I’m slipping into my lingerie…Oh...lacey patterned white stockings and matching French cut panties, garter belt and a corset/basque thing that is tight but made mostly of some kind of elastic stuff and white satin with these push up cups. Then the dress came on next. I can’t help but laugh a little. Holly is beside me getting her hair styled. “What’s so funny hon?”
“Oh I was just thinking about my life as Jaimes.”
“Oh Jen, you’re not him, you never were.”
“Yeah I was Hols but its okay, it’s not bad stuff.” I tap my temple with my newly done  ½ inch nails.
“Then what?”
“I was just thinking about how all the stuff I had the get on in football was really good practice for being a girl.”
Holly blinks and we stare at each other a few seconds before we burst out in a fit of giggles.
Then the girls turn me around to this full length mirror and I get to see myself in the mirror….
I…
I…
Oh my god….
I’m in complete mental neutral for a few minutes as I’m caught between tears and the disbelief that all of us T-girls always seem to carry. “That…that’s not me…I mean it can’t be right? right?” I’m kind of swaying back and forth trying out all these angles trying my damndest to find the boy in there…I think about an hour into the process what was left of him just said I’m outta here. I’m still kind of staring when I hear my dad…

“You Look Beautiful Baby-Girl.”

Yeah I caps it all because I’ll never forget those words. There’s this majikal way only your daddy can say stuff like that to you in this hushed reverence his voice half full of pride and halfway to tears that you here those words and they resonated right in the middle of your soul.

If the way he said it wasn’t enough then that look of love and pride in his eyes cinched it and I start bawling. I’m not the only one either. Both Dad and Gramps are there and both of them in real tuxedos too. Dad looks great but Gramps really pulls this off with that silver haired really older gentleman look.
Dad hugs me and gallantly dries my eyes then tells us.
“Taylor and all the guys are here and we’re nearly ready so let’s get you ladies all over to the chapel and get the places all set up.”
We head over deciding to do the final fixes and touch ups to our make up jobs and stuff over there and as we’re getting ready and everything I notice Dad and Gramps being really good with the girls and Gramps telling those girls he’s really got a surrogate dad thing going on with how lovely they look and how beautiful they look and how proud he is. There’s a lot of pictures taken and stuff and more plus video as we all move over to the church…

Well its part of the resort and technically it’s a chapel but still. I’m getting married, really married. It might just sound lame but I wanted this a lot. I needed this I think. I’m not sure if I could have done this as that whole civil union stuff. I want god in my life and…he’s my other father, I want him at my wedding. It’ll never really be church sanctioned here but Dad flew in the preacher who’s going to do our wedding and apparently his church is good with same-sex marriages even though my ID’s all say that I’m female thanks to Daddy.

Our touch ups and regrooming takes what only feels like minutes and then the girls start to leave. I’ve got Holly, Njinda, Dallas and Hunter as my bridesmaids and Grams is being my Mother of the Bride. Marley and Em are dressed really awesome and all of their girls are my flower girls and I give them all hugs, kisses and thank you’s as they head out to the sound of the processional music.

The girls head out and there’s one thing that I brought with me. And I take it out of the bag that I carefully out it into. See you might have noticed? None of the girls were my maid of honor.

I step into the hall where Daddy is waiting and Gramps and they both give me these funny looks with me carrying this big rectangular thing covered in white satin clutched to my chest like a book and my bouquet too. “Jenna? Uhm what’s…?”
“It’s a surprise you guys, it’s something I have to do.”
“Okay then…?”

The wedding march starts to play and both of them lead me down the aisle to where I see my Taylor there looking just amazing in his tux. He’s tall and he’s fit and his gorgeous blonde hair has been trimmed to where it hangs just off his shoulders and has been styled. He’s the best looking guy I’ve ever seen or known, I’m almost crying because standing there, looking like that he’s every little girls dream come true. Even as I walk I’m thinking, I’m getting married. I’m getting to marry my best friend in the world. And you know, even in my head there’s not really the words to say how happy or thankful I am.

I thought there wouldn’t be a lot of people here at the wedding on Tay’s side of the chapel but there really isn’t a side of the chapel with us. Most of the people I know are the people I’ve met through Taylor instead the small chapel is full of people we love. I see Davey with Nin’s mom and his white tux looks great with her African dress and headscarves.

Billy’s there as best man and he looks good in his tux that’s so black it almost glows darkly, this has got to be a designer tux. I know Billy’s on the wrong side of the law and the guys don’t talk about it but there has to be money in it. Then I look at Taylor again and yeah, this time my breath catches there’s this look of…there’s that look the Taylor gives me sometimes when we make love but right now there’s like almost a glow coming off of him right now. It’s only thrown off by the quizzical looks that everyone has with me carrying my surprise.

I get to the altar and kiss both Daddy and Gramps and get Daddy to hold my flowers. I go and take down one of the flower arrangements and take its stand over to where the Maid of honor would stand. I look at everyone. “Sorry but we wanted this to be a surprise for everyone.” I remove the white satin wrap and arrange it over the back of the stand then set this bid picture portrait of my Aunt Katie up on the stand and set the flowers that where on the stand at its base. It’s an old picture of her when she had been fitted for the very dress I’m wearing. “Okay I think everything’s all set now that my maid of honor is ready.” I give Daddy and Grams and Gramps my biggest I love you smiles. All three of them are crying now, Grams is sobbing a little and did a little rush over to hug me. “Oh God Jenna, Thank you, thank you, thank you…you don’t know what this means to me honey.”
“Yeah I do Grams, it means that much to me too, ever since I’ve found out about her I just couldn’t shake the feeling of Aunt Katie guiding me, watching over me.”
I look at my Daddy and Gramps who are crying more than I thought men could; and the smiles that both of them give me…I have to keep swallowing hard to keep from bursting into tears with them. I hug Grams and smile at her. “Well I best not hold things up right? I mean I am getting married.” She nods and steps back into position and I step up beside Taylor who stares at me. “Jen…god Jen you are so amazing…” Taylor looks near to tears too. Even the priest, gives me this fond smile then opens his book.

“Dearly beloved we are gathered here by love. I’m honored to have been asked here on behalf of these two amazing young people who have brought so much joy and love to all of us here called to bear witness.”

“God has found such joy in the union of these two people that he has shown them to each other through very dark times and many great ones and hopefully many more to come.”

“A wedding is a beautiful event, it’s a promise between two people that no matter what, through good times and bad, in times of illness and great joy that these two people have vowed that each one is the other half of the others soul. A wedding is to say to everyone they know and love a decree of I am not Jenna, I am not Taylor because our love is so strong that our two souls are as one, our two souls are one.”

“Times like this are to be treasured because they teach all of us that love is the greatest thing in the world, our greatest gift for each of us. It’s what I have always believed that God has meant for all of us. Free will is there so that we can choose to step out of the cold and the loneliness in our lives and choose love. We hold weddings like these so that in bearing joyful witness to the love of these two here today we are reminded that true love is real and love is possible for all of us no matter who we are.”

“Now we have the honor of hearing Jenna and Taylor speak about love and promise in their own words as they recite their own vows to one and other.”

There’s a few moments of quiet as we hesitate because we’ve never rehearsed this so it’s like who goes first. Taylor takes a deep breathe and smiles at me.

“Jenna…it seems impossible to me that we are even here, nobody has ever had such an effect in my life as you have. You loved me when I had really give up on life and you loved me when things get real and frightening…when no one else did, or would. You keep amazing me everyday we’re together and you have to be the bravest and caring and most beautiful girl in the world.”
“I promise Jenna that I’ll always love you… I’ll listen to you when you need to be heard… hold you when it hurts… make you laugh when you want to cry and I promise, I promise I’ll never give up…I’ll never give up on us.”

I’m crying, I’m crying the most beautiful tears I think I’ve ever shed. I’m trying to get my eyes clear and trying to get my voice to work. I takes three tries.

“Taylor…My god Taylor, I wasn’t alive when we met. I was just going through the motions and I had no idea what it was like to live. You, you showed me that. You showed me that I’m the person that I’ve always should’ve been. You showed me…you showed me I was a real person and …Taylor you saved my soul.”

“I promise you that I’ll never run away from you. That I’ll be there when you need my hand to squeeze… to hold you when it all goes wrong…to chase away your demons and sing away your pain…I promise I’ll be there Tay, I’ll love you forever and I’ll never give up.”

The priest smiles at both of us, then addresses us and the room. “Taylor Winters do you take Jenna to be your wife, to love and to cherish and to place her heart before your own?”
“I do.”
He looks to me. “Jenna Powers do you take Taylor to be you husband, to love and to cherish and to place his heart before your own?”
“I do.”
“The rings please.”
He passes the rings out to each of us and gives us the nod to put them on. We kind of do it a bit clumsily. He smiles as we finally get them on.

“With the wearing of these rings we bear witness before our loved ones and god that this marriage. Is of a love that shall be like an enduring circle. And like that perfect circle their love shall be continuous and flowing. God bless this union, God bless everyone here and God bless Taylor and Jenna Winters. By the power invested in me buy god and the West Charlottetown parish and the governments of Alberta and Canada I now proudly pronounce you husband and wife.”

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Taylor’s kiss was deep and sweet and amazing. It was so, perfect….It was, my very first kiss as Mrs. Jenna Winters. He even dips me a little. It’s quiet for a moment then the place erupts into thunderous cheers and whistles.

The rest of things become a blur as we run through the crowd. Most of them are throwing confetti and colored rice crispies for the kids who laugh and squeal and even chase us out the chapel doors. I loved that entire bit, I love kids and this is great fun for all of them. I even tuck down like I’m ducking so Marley’s girl Phoenix can get me good. It’s worth getting it down the back of my dress and down my bodice to hear that explosive giggle of hers.

We take a break as we get to the lodges dining hall. I need to take a pee break and that’s easier said than done in a wedding dress. I get the stuff out of my hair and shaken out of my dress and touch up my hair and make up. It’s good because it gives us all a chance to get refreshed for the reception.

Everyone is set and ready at their tables as Taylor and I eventually make it out to the head table after a few minutes of passionate kissing. The priest actually announces us out again and just hearing. “Ladies and gentlemen, our newly-weds Taylor and Jenna Winters!” There’s a live band that plays out a rock version of the end riffs of the wedding march and we take our seats.

Then of course the food.

I think honestly despite some of these really excellent things there like Alberta prime rib beef and great salads and Kentucky fried chicken and all the fixings two things stood out or at least to me. Daddy brought in something called Dungeness crab from California which was really good and Gramps who brought a lot, a lot of lobster all the way from Prince Edward Island. I ate just a little bit of everything, But I liked the seafood the best and we all had a blast about the lobster because if you ever have really good ocean lobster you won’t like going to places like red lobster again. Like me there’s a lot of us here that this was a huge treat and even a new experience for.
Then there’s my wedding cake. I loved it, it was picked out by Daddy and Angie who confesses that some of their dates were cake testing dates. Honestly those sounded like they would’ve been kind of fun.

They went with a three tier cake with a light vanilla butter cream and a lemon cake interior that’s very good and tummy friendly in how it plays with the other food.

There’s a lot of champagne, flowing and there’s toasts and jokes and stuff but I can’t remember all of it with the excitement and we honestly wanted to keep that at least to a minimum. Tomorrow Taylor and I are off to his oncology appointment.

But that’s tomorrow.

Before the dancing we do the bouquet toss and that becomes a huge thing with the girls in the group. I tossed it over my shoulder and Kendal catches it and her eyes go so huge and she bursts into tears. I even do a bit of a leg show when Taylor shoots the garter off into the group of men. I was kinda rooting for Dad to get it but it ends up whacking Billy in the head.

Then comes the dancing, Taylor and I starting things off and Billy stuns Kendal by pulling her out to dance too. The dancing is my favorite part. The very first song is the live band playing Tay and mine’s “Kiss from a rose.” It’s our song…I’m so happy, I’m floating as we dance. Daddy looks great dancing with Angie and him dancing with Hunter looks so…I can see where this means so much to hunter where her dad and his family won’t have anything to do with her because she’s transgendered. I see the same thing going on with Gramps and some of his personally adopted daughters. There’s a loss of family that so many T-girls and boys go through when they decide to come out, huge gaping wounds that I can see being healed here.

The fact that the guys here are very nice and supportive of the T-girls here is also a kind of boost to their hearts and souls that you just could never buy.

Marley and Em are amazing too. The fact they look like two beautiful women together dancing when they are really husband and wife shows to a few of the net-girls here that wished they could be like this with their wives that this is possible. It makes me smile when I watch the two of them together, Em might look like this chestnut haired beauty but there’s no doubt in a way when you see em kind of take charge leading as kissing Marley with this deep passion.

I think that so much of my wedding I could share like this really made it so very special.

I’m dancing with daddy when Taylor is talking to the band and the concierge and they clip this mike to his lapel. The guy who was singing for the band says into the microphone as the lights dim. “Ladies and gentlemen we’re getting to the last hour of the dancing and the groom would ask for one more special dance for him and his lovely wife.”

The dance floor clears and Taylor comes over to me and he starts to slow dance with me to this song I’ve never heard. The band isn’t singing just playing this really nice slow blues music. Taylor starts to sing to me as we’re dancing and his mike carries it around the room, his voice is soft and so full of love.

“If I was the sun way up there.”
“I’d go with love most everywhere.”
“I’ll be the moon when the sun goes down.”
“Just to let you know I’m still around.”

“That’s how strong my love is, oh”
“That’s how strong my love is.”
“That’s how strong my love is, baby, baby..”
“That’s how strong my love is.”

“I’ll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears.”
“You can go swimming when you’re here.”
“I’ll be the rainbow when your sun is gone.”
“Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm.”

“That’s how strong my love is, darling.”
“That’s how strong my love is, baby.”
“That’s how strong my love is, ooooh.’
“That’s how strong my love is.”

“I’ll be the ocean so deep and wide.”
“I’ll get out the tears whenever you cry.”
“I’ll be the breeze after the storm is gone.”
“To dry your eyes and love you warm.’

“That’s how strong my love is, baby.”
“That’s how strong my love is.’
“That’s how strong my love is, darling.”
“That’s how strong my love is.’

“That’s how strong my love is…”
“So deep in…”
“Well, that’s so strong my love is.”
“So much love…Yes so much love, oh…”
“Yes so much love, yes so much love…”
“Anything I can do…I’ll do for you..”
“Any kind of love you want…I’ll be with you…”

“Because…Jenna, that’s how strong my love is…’

The song ends and we keep dancing and I’ve crying and rivers of tears are sliding down my face as I stare up into the eyes of the most wonderful man in the world.