all right, so last night I had another nightmare within moments of falling asleep.

Both were about losing control on a slippery surface - the first while driving a car, the second while trying to walk down a set of stairs.

I'm officially concerned now . . .

so apparently last night I started shouting in my sleep.

I cant remember what I was dreaming that would make me cry out.

The thing is, as a kid I did that a lot, and even as an adult I still did it until I started going to therapy and recovered some of the memories of my abuse (which is when I started having flashbacks instead), and as far as I know I no longer cried out in my sleep - until last night.

You're gonna have to forgive me if that's a little concerning for me.

Okay, so yesterday, after I has an exhausting day running Sharon and Sam around, my mom offered to make supper for me.

And while coming back to the kitchen while carrying a heavy pot with a heavy lid on it, the lid fell off and hit her on the top of her foot.

the top of the joint of her big toe was pretty swollen, couldn't put any weight on the foot, and I started struggling with guilt.

And then the day got worse.

I managed to trip and slammed into the carpet just about as hard as I could

So at this point I was sore, guilty, and worried about mom.

So I called the bank that has my car loan, and after next week, I can authorize a lump sum payment and clear the debt.

I haven't been debt free since I graduated high school, so it will be a good feeling.

I finally deleted Kylie from my hangouts contact list and all the emails we have exchanged.

Pardon me if I'm less than cheerful for a while.

When I usually talk about my negative self talk, aka "Mr. Nasty", its a "tape" of my various failures.

But sometimes, I get a "tape" that's much, much worse.

This "tape" is connected to my rapes, and the word it uses to describe me isn't "failure".

It's "Evil".

The reason I'm bringing it up now is that I spent most of last night trying to fight off that "tape".

So I think Team Dorothy to come to my rescue again.

Send words of encouragement, praise, or just send a hug if you can.

Thank you in advance.

Since my mother has begun to suffer from dementia, she has been constantly worried that the place is on fire.

We couldn't figure out why, until I remembered her telling me that when she was a small child the cabin she and her family were living in caught on fire, and she had to help get the kids.

which has me wondering if there is a connection between dementia and PTSD. And whether I'm going to be reliving my rapes if I get dementia as well ...

so its been a good news/bad news situation here.

the good news is my mom is eating a little bit more, although it's still probably below or at best at the daily minimum.

the bad news is her anxiety has increased to the point she can't be left alone, even while in bed.

sighs . . .

well, I got good news and bad news.

the good news is mom finally was able to keep something down, even if it was just a small cup of rice pudding, a liquid yogurt, and 4 spoonfuls of broccoli soup. she also has been given a new medicine which may help keep things going in a good direction.

Bad news is I'm headed in the opposite direction, as a crippling depression snuck up on me tonight.

sighs, keep sending hugs ...

I'm afraid I don't have a Christmas story to share this year.

sorry everybody

So my mom called 911 at 4 AM this morning. But it wasn't all bad, they checked her oxygen levels, her blood sugar levels, and any signs of infection, and all clear.

which just leaves brain issues, I guess.

So now we wait for a psychologist, and hope we can get through Christmas.

ah, well.

my mom is starting to hear things during the day, as 3 times today she has thought she heard Mike go up into the crawl space and work on the wiring, as well as her now usual 4 AM panic session.

I'm just trying to hang in there for her ...

So today was a craptastic day.

Mom started in on how Carol is spying on her and when I tried to reassure her she basically accused me of lying and conspiring to put her in an insane asylum.

then Mike came down tried to talk to her got frustrated and said if she didn't want to see the nurse who is coming on Tuesday or I wanted to eat myself to death he wasn't going to get involved anymore.

Both of these hit me just as I was already struggling with Mr. Nasty, so it made things worse.

I can only hope tomorrow is better.

okay this morning after mom's nightly waking me up thinking Carol has set a fire in her own bedroom to drive my mom out of the house, I laid on the couch and put on a episode of "Too cute" so I could relax and get back to sleep.

I slept for about 2 hours and woke up to discover I was having what felt like a seizure,

My body shook, stopped, and shook again as if I was getting electrocuted.

After about 5 minutes it stopped, and then after I slept for a while the seizures happened again.

if you are on facebook, check out a group called Affirming Ministries, they have published my story, "Dreams and Truth", and I'm really stoked about it.

https://www.facebook.com/AffirmingMinistries/photos/a.104151...

I've got a new story up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/87837/superiors-genesis

I haven't had a lot of spoons for writing for a while, mostly due to not being able to get a full night's sleep with my mom having paranoid delusions every night.

But I still have hopes to have something by the first week of December.

so stay tuned ...

I'm having a visit from Mr. Nasty.

hugs appreciated.

I wanted to give everybody an update, because its been a busy time since I last blogged.

First, we have a therapist in our house. My brother and sister in law's cat Blanka somehow sensed I was having a tough time, and did something she doesn't normally do - jump into my bed and purr in my ear. That pushed Mr. Nasty away, and thank God.

Second, we were able to get my mom to see her doctor, and he's arranging an appointment with a specialist to help us figure out why she's having these episodes in the early morning.

so at 4 AM my mom had another episode, and I was not able to do anything to help her.

Then Mike and Carol managed to get her to make an appointment with her doctor while I was pretty much useless.

sighs ...

I had a PTSD dream last night, but one thing was different: I was externally a girl.

Is that an improvement?

I was watching a video about the "Make a Wish" foundation, who give kids with serious health issues a chance to do something they always wanted to, and it occurred to me, this might make an interesting premise for a story here, like a trans kid uses their wish to spend a day as their true selves, or something.

Sadly, right now my writing spoons are missing, so I cant run with the idea, but maybe someone else would like a crack at it.

what do you think?